~~ valentine woes.

The trouble is, I can't write Draco in any normal sort of love with Harry, to start with. I mean, normal love is where you care about the other person, where they make you happy, where you're at ease with them and they just make your world brighter. It bears some serious resemblance to friendship. It's not all rage and resentment and desperation and need.

It's like how Buffy says to Spike, "you can't love", right. I mean, in that case it's the soul thing, but the effect is the same with Draco-- he has all this resentment and bitterness and anger, and how could love truly survive in that sort of environment? What makes it love, exactly? Clearly, it's not hate-- but if there's no essence of friendship in it, then how is it what either of them needs? It can only be destructive for both of them and end badly.

They say hate is not the opposite of love. And in fact, in my head Draco & Harry tell each other "I hate you" quite a lot, whisper it and moan it and scream it. It's certainly code for something, and it's not really hate. It's like what they feel is beyond love or hate, like it's beyond rules and reason and even as it destroys them, they grow more addicted. And I love that-- I do-- but I want more. There should be more.

A part of me feels like they'll never love each other like other people. Real love would change everything, and who would they be after that? It's easy to want everything to be different, but how does that -work-? It's easy to just envision snark and make-up sex and jealousy and cuddles, but their scars are just so -deep- and the need for forgiveness is a real issue. I don't know how either would -admit- to loving the other, how they could look each other in the eye, then. It's such a reality-bending identity-shifting idea that I imagine they'd be in denial for a good nice long while. And yet, I don't want to just settle for hate-sex, not at all.

( Oh man, my own fic is depressing me, that's basically it. )