~~ valentine woes.
Feb. 13th, 2004 09:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaThe trouble is, I can't write Draco in any normal sort of love with Harry, to start with. I mean, normal love is where you care about the other person, where they make you happy, where you're at ease with them and they just make your world brighter. It bears some serious resemblance to friendship. It's not all rage and resentment and desperation and need.
It's like how Buffy says to Spike, "you can't love", right. I mean, in that case it's the soul thing, but the effect is the same with Draco-- he has all this resentment and bitterness and anger, and how could love truly survive in that sort of environment? What makes it love, exactly? Clearly, it's not hate-- but if there's no essence of friendship in it, then how is it what either of them needs? It can only be destructive for both of them and end badly.
They say hate is not the opposite of love. And in fact, in my head Draco & Harry tell each other "I hate you" quite a lot, whisper it and moan it and scream it. It's certainly code for something, and it's not really hate. It's like what they feel is beyond love or hate, like it's beyond rules and reason and even as it destroys them, they grow more addicted. And I love that-- I do-- but I want more. There should be more.
A part of me feels like they'll never love each other like other people. Real love would change everything, and who would they be after that? It's easy to want everything to be different, but how does that -work-? It's easy to just envision snark and make-up sex and jealousy and cuddles, but their scars are just so -deep- and the need for forgiveness is a real issue. I don't know how either would -admit- to loving the other, how they could look each other in the eye, then. It's such a reality-bending identity-shifting idea that I imagine they'd be in denial for a good nice long while. And yet, I don't want to just settle for hate-sex, not at all.
It's not that I think love can ever be impossible-- love is always possible, -if- it's there. Clinging to each other because you make each other feel alive, because you turn each other inside out, because you make each other burn-- that's part of it. But without acceptance and understanding, what is it worth? I mean, it's like a flicker of marshlight compared to real love, which is steady and fierce like a sun, which is full of sacrifice and trust as -well- as possessiveness and need.
I believe they're perfect for each other, but trying to write H/D right now, I realized that I don't think it's a -given-. I think they have to work for it, and that neither of them deserve to drown in hate and rage and fucking till they bleed. It's so easy to forget what -hard work- this pairing is, 'cause people's fics either wallow in the angst or prettify the dynamic. But if one can't write them as friends without making Draco softer and Harry readily forgiving, then I don't see it as a fic where I ship H/D. I mean, supposedly it's a pairing steeped in darkness-- and I see that potential-- but what bothers me is that the most in-character beginnings for it post OoTP are mired in selfishness and desperation on Draco's part and in self-destructive behavior on Harry's part.
In my mind, Draco -wants- Potter, wants to -be- him in some ways, to -possess- him, to destroy him and yet to keep him for himself, too. He wants to finally win and have Potter acknowledge that. He's a little boy in so many ways, wanting approval and vindication and affection. He's not ready to love Harry-- what he wants is for Harry to love -him-, and Harry -can't- love him (not as is, not -now-).
So I mean, I'm drowning in angst and that sucks. I want them to be happy, but this is what I see. Two needy, lonely boys and neither really knows how to give the other what he needs, what he really wants. Draco wants Harry, in his secret heart, to accept him. Harry-- Harry is just about giving up on having what he wants, and it coming from Draco wouldn't ever occur to him, and he's become more and more wary of opening up and that's only likely to get worse. I'm starting to think that romance would just complicate things too much for them, that maybe they really need to learn to -see- each other first.
My Draco... he doesn't love Harry Potter. But he can't not love him. It's like his journey is to learn how to love him without losing himself. To learn what love is. And it's not like any of us are born really -knowing-. We all have to be taught. It's trial-and-error and it's painful but eventually, maybe years later, he could finally wake up and realize that that's what it is. Finally-- finally-- that's what it is.
Or maybe... maybe... it's not a question of validity. Maybe we all love differently at different times in our lives, and the capacity changes and the exact type of emotion changes, but it's always true love, always what's -there- and that's all one could give. It's like, he could say "I love you" to Harry at 15 and at 19 and at 34, and he'd mean wildly different things, but as long as he believed it--as long as he meant it-- maybe that's all anyone would need. Maybe that's all -Harry- would need.
Maybe all we can ever do is feel to the best of our ability-- grab what's -there- and hold on, and not let go. And let everything else come as it may-- just don't let go. Maybe that would be enough.
It's like how Buffy says to Spike, "you can't love", right. I mean, in that case it's the soul thing, but the effect is the same with Draco-- he has all this resentment and bitterness and anger, and how could love truly survive in that sort of environment? What makes it love, exactly? Clearly, it's not hate-- but if there's no essence of friendship in it, then how is it what either of them needs? It can only be destructive for both of them and end badly.
They say hate is not the opposite of love. And in fact, in my head Draco & Harry tell each other "I hate you" quite a lot, whisper it and moan it and scream it. It's certainly code for something, and it's not really hate. It's like what they feel is beyond love or hate, like it's beyond rules and reason and even as it destroys them, they grow more addicted. And I love that-- I do-- but I want more. There should be more.
A part of me feels like they'll never love each other like other people. Real love would change everything, and who would they be after that? It's easy to want everything to be different, but how does that -work-? It's easy to just envision snark and make-up sex and jealousy and cuddles, but their scars are just so -deep- and the need for forgiveness is a real issue. I don't know how either would -admit- to loving the other, how they could look each other in the eye, then. It's such a reality-bending identity-shifting idea that I imagine they'd be in denial for a good nice long while. And yet, I don't want to just settle for hate-sex, not at all.
It's not that I think love can ever be impossible-- love is always possible, -if- it's there. Clinging to each other because you make each other feel alive, because you turn each other inside out, because you make each other burn-- that's part of it. But without acceptance and understanding, what is it worth? I mean, it's like a flicker of marshlight compared to real love, which is steady and fierce like a sun, which is full of sacrifice and trust as -well- as possessiveness and need.
I believe they're perfect for each other, but trying to write H/D right now, I realized that I don't think it's a -given-. I think they have to work for it, and that neither of them deserve to drown in hate and rage and fucking till they bleed. It's so easy to forget what -hard work- this pairing is, 'cause people's fics either wallow in the angst or prettify the dynamic. But if one can't write them as friends without making Draco softer and Harry readily forgiving, then I don't see it as a fic where I ship H/D. I mean, supposedly it's a pairing steeped in darkness-- and I see that potential-- but what bothers me is that the most in-character beginnings for it post OoTP are mired in selfishness and desperation on Draco's part and in self-destructive behavior on Harry's part.
In my mind, Draco -wants- Potter, wants to -be- him in some ways, to -possess- him, to destroy him and yet to keep him for himself, too. He wants to finally win and have Potter acknowledge that. He's a little boy in so many ways, wanting approval and vindication and affection. He's not ready to love Harry-- what he wants is for Harry to love -him-, and Harry -can't- love him (not as is, not -now-).
So I mean, I'm drowning in angst and that sucks. I want them to be happy, but this is what I see. Two needy, lonely boys and neither really knows how to give the other what he needs, what he really wants. Draco wants Harry, in his secret heart, to accept him. Harry-- Harry is just about giving up on having what he wants, and it coming from Draco wouldn't ever occur to him, and he's become more and more wary of opening up and that's only likely to get worse. I'm starting to think that romance would just complicate things too much for them, that maybe they really need to learn to -see- each other first.
My Draco... he doesn't love Harry Potter. But he can't not love him. It's like his journey is to learn how to love him without losing himself. To learn what love is. And it's not like any of us are born really -knowing-. We all have to be taught. It's trial-and-error and it's painful but eventually, maybe years later, he could finally wake up and realize that that's what it is. Finally-- finally-- that's what it is.
Or maybe... maybe... it's not a question of validity. Maybe we all love differently at different times in our lives, and the capacity changes and the exact type of emotion changes, but it's always true love, always what's -there- and that's all one could give. It's like, he could say "I love you" to Harry at 15 and at 19 and at 34, and he'd mean wildly different things, but as long as he believed it--as long as he meant it-- maybe that's all anyone would need. Maybe that's all -Harry- would need.
Maybe all we can ever do is feel to the best of our ability-- grab what's -there- and hold on, and not let go. And let everything else come as it may-- just don't let go. Maybe that would be enough.
