~~ valentine woes.
Feb. 13th, 2004 09:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaThe trouble is, I can't write Draco in any normal sort of love with Harry, to start with. I mean, normal love is where you care about the other person, where they make you happy, where you're at ease with them and they just make your world brighter. It bears some serious resemblance to friendship. It's not all rage and resentment and desperation and need.
It's like how Buffy says to Spike, "you can't love", right. I mean, in that case it's the soul thing, but the effect is the same with Draco-- he has all this resentment and bitterness and anger, and how could love truly survive in that sort of environment? What makes it love, exactly? Clearly, it's not hate-- but if there's no essence of friendship in it, then how is it what either of them needs? It can only be destructive for both of them and end badly.
They say hate is not the opposite of love. And in fact, in my head Draco & Harry tell each other "I hate you" quite a lot, whisper it and moan it and scream it. It's certainly code for something, and it's not really hate. It's like what they feel is beyond love or hate, like it's beyond rules and reason and even as it destroys them, they grow more addicted. And I love that-- I do-- but I want more. There should be more.
A part of me feels like they'll never love each other like other people. Real love would change everything, and who would they be after that? It's easy to want everything to be different, but how does that -work-? It's easy to just envision snark and make-up sex and jealousy and cuddles, but their scars are just so -deep- and the need for forgiveness is a real issue. I don't know how either would -admit- to loving the other, how they could look each other in the eye, then. It's such a reality-bending identity-shifting idea that I imagine they'd be in denial for a good nice long while. And yet, I don't want to just settle for hate-sex, not at all.
It's not that I think love can ever be impossible-- love is always possible, -if- it's there. Clinging to each other because you make each other feel alive, because you turn each other inside out, because you make each other burn-- that's part of it. But without acceptance and understanding, what is it worth? I mean, it's like a flicker of marshlight compared to real love, which is steady and fierce like a sun, which is full of sacrifice and trust as -well- as possessiveness and need.
I believe they're perfect for each other, but trying to write H/D right now, I realized that I don't think it's a -given-. I think they have to work for it, and that neither of them deserve to drown in hate and rage and fucking till they bleed. It's so easy to forget what -hard work- this pairing is, 'cause people's fics either wallow in the angst or prettify the dynamic. But if one can't write them as friends without making Draco softer and Harry readily forgiving, then I don't see it as a fic where I ship H/D. I mean, supposedly it's a pairing steeped in darkness-- and I see that potential-- but what bothers me is that the most in-character beginnings for it post OoTP are mired in selfishness and desperation on Draco's part and in self-destructive behavior on Harry's part.
In my mind, Draco -wants- Potter, wants to -be- him in some ways, to -possess- him, to destroy him and yet to keep him for himself, too. He wants to finally win and have Potter acknowledge that. He's a little boy in so many ways, wanting approval and vindication and affection. He's not ready to love Harry-- what he wants is for Harry to love -him-, and Harry -can't- love him (not as is, not -now-).
So I mean, I'm drowning in angst and that sucks. I want them to be happy, but this is what I see. Two needy, lonely boys and neither really knows how to give the other what he needs, what he really wants. Draco wants Harry, in his secret heart, to accept him. Harry-- Harry is just about giving up on having what he wants, and it coming from Draco wouldn't ever occur to him, and he's become more and more wary of opening up and that's only likely to get worse. I'm starting to think that romance would just complicate things too much for them, that maybe they really need to learn to -see- each other first.
My Draco... he doesn't love Harry Potter. But he can't not love him. It's like his journey is to learn how to love him without losing himself. To learn what love is. And it's not like any of us are born really -knowing-. We all have to be taught. It's trial-and-error and it's painful but eventually, maybe years later, he could finally wake up and realize that that's what it is. Finally-- finally-- that's what it is.
Or maybe... maybe... it's not a question of validity. Maybe we all love differently at different times in our lives, and the capacity changes and the exact type of emotion changes, but it's always true love, always what's -there- and that's all one could give. It's like, he could say "I love you" to Harry at 15 and at 19 and at 34, and he'd mean wildly different things, but as long as he believed it--as long as he meant it-- maybe that's all anyone would need. Maybe that's all -Harry- would need.
Maybe all we can ever do is feel to the best of our ability-- grab what's -there- and hold on, and not let go. And let everything else come as it may-- just don't let go. Maybe that would be enough.
It's like how Buffy says to Spike, "you can't love", right. I mean, in that case it's the soul thing, but the effect is the same with Draco-- he has all this resentment and bitterness and anger, and how could love truly survive in that sort of environment? What makes it love, exactly? Clearly, it's not hate-- but if there's no essence of friendship in it, then how is it what either of them needs? It can only be destructive for both of them and end badly.
They say hate is not the opposite of love. And in fact, in my head Draco & Harry tell each other "I hate you" quite a lot, whisper it and moan it and scream it. It's certainly code for something, and it's not really hate. It's like what they feel is beyond love or hate, like it's beyond rules and reason and even as it destroys them, they grow more addicted. And I love that-- I do-- but I want more. There should be more.
A part of me feels like they'll never love each other like other people. Real love would change everything, and who would they be after that? It's easy to want everything to be different, but how does that -work-? It's easy to just envision snark and make-up sex and jealousy and cuddles, but their scars are just so -deep- and the need for forgiveness is a real issue. I don't know how either would -admit- to loving the other, how they could look each other in the eye, then. It's such a reality-bending identity-shifting idea that I imagine they'd be in denial for a good nice long while. And yet, I don't want to just settle for hate-sex, not at all.
It's not that I think love can ever be impossible-- love is always possible, -if- it's there. Clinging to each other because you make each other feel alive, because you turn each other inside out, because you make each other burn-- that's part of it. But without acceptance and understanding, what is it worth? I mean, it's like a flicker of marshlight compared to real love, which is steady and fierce like a sun, which is full of sacrifice and trust as -well- as possessiveness and need.
I believe they're perfect for each other, but trying to write H/D right now, I realized that I don't think it's a -given-. I think they have to work for it, and that neither of them deserve to drown in hate and rage and fucking till they bleed. It's so easy to forget what -hard work- this pairing is, 'cause people's fics either wallow in the angst or prettify the dynamic. But if one can't write them as friends without making Draco softer and Harry readily forgiving, then I don't see it as a fic where I ship H/D. I mean, supposedly it's a pairing steeped in darkness-- and I see that potential-- but what bothers me is that the most in-character beginnings for it post OoTP are mired in selfishness and desperation on Draco's part and in self-destructive behavior on Harry's part.
In my mind, Draco -wants- Potter, wants to -be- him in some ways, to -possess- him, to destroy him and yet to keep him for himself, too. He wants to finally win and have Potter acknowledge that. He's a little boy in so many ways, wanting approval and vindication and affection. He's not ready to love Harry-- what he wants is for Harry to love -him-, and Harry -can't- love him (not as is, not -now-).
So I mean, I'm drowning in angst and that sucks. I want them to be happy, but this is what I see. Two needy, lonely boys and neither really knows how to give the other what he needs, what he really wants. Draco wants Harry, in his secret heart, to accept him. Harry-- Harry is just about giving up on having what he wants, and it coming from Draco wouldn't ever occur to him, and he's become more and more wary of opening up and that's only likely to get worse. I'm starting to think that romance would just complicate things too much for them, that maybe they really need to learn to -see- each other first.
My Draco... he doesn't love Harry Potter. But he can't not love him. It's like his journey is to learn how to love him without losing himself. To learn what love is. And it's not like any of us are born really -knowing-. We all have to be taught. It's trial-and-error and it's painful but eventually, maybe years later, he could finally wake up and realize that that's what it is. Finally-- finally-- that's what it is.
Or maybe... maybe... it's not a question of validity. Maybe we all love differently at different times in our lives, and the capacity changes and the exact type of emotion changes, but it's always true love, always what's -there- and that's all one could give. It's like, he could say "I love you" to Harry at 15 and at 19 and at 34, and he'd mean wildly different things, but as long as he believed it--as long as he meant it-- maybe that's all anyone would need. Maybe that's all -Harry- would need.
Maybe all we can ever do is feel to the best of our ability-- grab what's -there- and hold on, and not let go. And let everything else come as it may-- just don't let go. Maybe that would be enough.
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no subject
Date: 2004-02-14 01:09 pm (UTC)But maybe that's not the only version of love there is, as you sort of say towards the end. He could mean all kinds of things by it, and maybe "I hate you" isn't incompatible.
I think that I'm drawn to this particular type of story (especially with these two--I really wasn't as into it with Spike and Buffy) because it breaks down the typical ideas we have of both love and hate and just shows us powerful passion. I think it's hard to say what love is and when we try to define it, we get stuck in traps. The rage-and-burn fics break those traps, though they don't give us much comfort afterwards. Both Harry and Draco seem stuck in traps, and there's an appeal to having them break each other free, even if they didn't want it, even if it's painful. (Buffy and Spike, on the other hand, seem much more tragic; there should have been other options, it should have gone differently.) (But that's just me and I have a lot of side issues riding on it and don't need to get into a huge Buffy/Spike debate unless you really really want to :)
I mostly keep coming back to the Draco/Harry fandom because I want Draco to have something. He is, both in pschological terms within the story and narrative terms outside the story, really screwed, and I sometimes hope for something better for him. Or something at all. Some spark of life for him. I sometimes feel the same way for Snape but I can't seem to pair him with anyone. Draco, on the other hand, is obsessed with Harry already.
But love, yeah, don't know about that. One of the nice things about the fandom was that you don't necessarily have to know--there's room to explore and to say different things. However, that doesn't make for a happy Valentine's Day. :)
no subject
Date: 2004-02-15 04:22 am (UTC)Plus I've always had this weird obsession with H&D friendship. Can't write it for crackers, but am obsessed with it. I don't think either of them are -that- emotional-- they're not "on" all the time-- who is? It's not that I want normality so much as... some comfortability with them as human beings rather than forces of nature, 'cause that's just exhausting :>
I want to think of them as human; both of them. Like... for me, -they- come before the fic. That jsut sounds weird, but. I just want Harry & Draco to be happy, together or apart, but I want it to be both of them. I mean, challenged and emotionally sparking and intensely alive, but still... on their way to going where they need to go. Or need to grow. Or just... maybe it's my basic affinity for positive emotions :>
I don't mean steady lovers. I just mean basic conversation skills, some sort of affection, an ability to have some form of partnership-- to work -for- something together instead of just against each other separately. Just a moment where they're fond of each other's company instead of trying to tear off each other's skin. That would be good. Those moments, you could build on. I like those moments.
I want the rage to break them out, but then I want there to be something waiting for them, and that's hard to always grasp and keep hold of. I'm addicted to the rush too, but it all feels so hollow after a while, especially when I can't get either of them to loosen up. At all.
I only see B/S as tragic if you take it that he died in the end. Which he didn't, eheheh. And he's got his body back! They have their whole lives ahead of them. And yes, I'm addicted to post-S7 fics, and there's not enough good ones. Herself_NYC's `Disenchantment' is bloody brilliant though. *happy sigh* I agree that things could/should've gone differently, but they needed those stages, too, in -some- form. I think Spike's journey to separate himself from his need to just "do it for Buffy" was important, and Buffy's journey to see Spike as someone she could trust -had- to take a while to be believable. It could/should still have been... less ridiculously apocalyptic, of course~:)
I want Harry to have something too. People forget that Harry needs him just as much, even if he has no clue. I want Draco to love-- I think it's what they both need. Otherwise it's kind of... like fire without heat. In my head, he -does- love. It's just. Er. Very. Very. Complicated ^^;
no subject
Date: 2004-02-15 10:29 am (UTC)Yes... so the thing is, can they manage to see each other that way? We know that they're both not balls of rage and energy all the time, that they're human beings, but can they manage to see each other as human beings? That seems more of a challenge for them than tearing each other apart.
The idea of an almost accidental affection reminds me a bit of Wesley and Lilah. I had appreciated watching them but had never really thought about them or translated them to all the archenemy slash I'm so obsessed with. I should consider that more.
The thing with Harry and Draco is that they can manage to need each other in some ways but would be horrified to need each other in other ways, so there's a barrier to their relationship just growing. But, perhaps it would happen against their will, anyways.