~~ sirius/remus fic post; being afraid of the truth; and catharis.

Happy Birthday, rhoddlet~!!~
i wish i had something to give you, but... all i can write lately is fluff. if you wanted lucius/dead!james, i'd probably write fluff. okay, maybe not. i wish i could honor your stories with something, but all i have are words in response to words. they make me think of seashells, those spirally ones, with the iridescence and the feeling of ancient waters, the sense there's much more you could see if you looked closer, and closer, and closer still. there's an opaqueness to the writing that turns translucent when you turn your perception a certain way-- like a slant of light. it's hard to review or even say anything (at first) because of the delicacy, the sense that it's using its own language and i would just be translating it roughly, in bits. this atmosphere says with me though, a memory of lemon and sunlight and aching flickerings of something that never quite becomes palpable, something that says -ginny- to me, still. my memories are wordless, all images and tastes-- like of the warm sticky days by the beach, dream-like and dense with deception, the sheer contrast of everything that -isn't-, that you -want- to be but -isn't- and you can't help but be aware of it because the knowledge haunts and never leaves you. i keep the formless memory of the words in my mind like a bottle of pale sand which looks like any other bottle, smells like sun and salt and seems unremarkable except for the constant lingering of feeling in it.

and this is a v. strange birthday greeting, yes, but my babble is all i have and i just wanted to thank you.
~~

and WHY IS THE WORLD SO CRUEL?!? whyyy..??! *sobs*
    yes, okay, that's hot, okayfineokayFINE but it's... well.... het!! though tom... *coughs* yeah. everyone else is like, orgasmic at it, and well. yes. but the first thing i saw was that it was -hermione-. it's gotta be the most d/hr-ish thing i've ever seen, seriously. mrraaarr. and no, i did not just type that.

secondly, i'm um... looking for a beta, since ishuca won't be around for the next half a year. someone ruthless and nazi-like who likes my writing and feels like they can make sense of it. heh. i'm wibbly about it and probably only want people i actually -know-, but. yeah.

    after having read aja's blindingly brilliant new h/d yesterday, `inscription', i realized why i berate myself for writing so many of these lighter pieces so much.

( i seem to have a ridiculous amount of angst about my light-hearted writing not being cathartic. [story-babble & recs] )

and it's not even the smut-- i think the smut factor doesn't influence whether a fic is happy-buzz or cathartic, 'cause aja's fic is NC-17 and so is mine, and they're different as can be.
    so yes, now i come to my actual -fic-. this is my first sirius/remus and may be my last. i wrote it in response to the fuh-q-fest challenge before realizing that particular challenge was closed-- to wit, `sirius and remus babysit infant harry', ehehehe. it amuses me (who knows why-- obviously i have issues).
    it doesn't aspire to anything, and that's why it was so easy to write. actually letting yourself -say- things takes a lot out of one (in my experience), and just blabbering on like a silly goose is easier than breathing. so basically, i suck, go read aja & ivy >:D<

( that said.... here be fic: `Learning Curves' - Sirius/Remus - NC17 humor/smut, v. lame and stupid, but that's the fun of it, no? although, if anyone who reads s/r actually reads this, i would muchly appreciate being told how and where i messed up, characterization-wise-- i would bake you donuts. no, really )