~~ and some days i hate being a romantic.

one of the stranger things about myself is how i constantly re-discover my americas. for instance. i feel weird about the limitations i place upon myself with my otp obsession, right. how it's hard to write in a more "realistic" style, basically, where love isn't assured and people aren't right for each other sometimes, and it just "doesn't work out" for mundane, stupid reasons, and so on and so forth.
    you wouldn't think i'd be able to forget that i'm a hopeless romantic and that kind of tints everything.

i mean, the cute kind of realism comes easily to me. i can easily remember all sorts of minute details about life, random observations and silly things most people would ignore. the problem is the ugly things, the things that you wish you didn't have to know if you knew it as a child. how dreams can be empty and promises can be lies and you're not who you thought you were when you looked up at the sky to check if the moon was still following you. life was full of possibilities, everything seemed alive, you most of all.

in the end, i think the terms "otp" and "otp'er" are just misleading. i'm not an otp'er. it's not about harry & draco being my otp and me being obsessed with them, really. because i basically -always- feel that way. i'm an old-fashioned romantic, that's all.

in a way, i feel bad, because i'm kind of imposing my own emotional make-up onto the characters. -i- am very picky about who i would consider worth being with. sure, you -can- be with any number of people, but what's the point if it's not... like -that-? you can pair up any character-- any person-- with any other person. it's like a game. people in real life go to bars, pick up strangers. etc. people live with all manner of people who're bad for them, who they have nothing in common with or -worse-, who abuse them and make them miserable. that's a pairing method too. hey, why don't i pair characters X and Y, they'd really have interesting misery together. why make them be happy? misery is more interesting. that's a point of view, too.

i always wanted perfection-- and you don't tend to get that with a whole range of people. at -most-, at the very -most-, you can expect to end up being equally fulfilled with two people you would know simultaneously, in real life. usually, this doesn't happen. usually, out of all the people you know at any point, there is a number you may be nominally attracted to, a smaller number you love, and an even smaller number you would want to spend a whole lot of time with. but-- and this is only if you're really lucky-- there's only one person in your life who is -everything- to you. you adore them, you want them, you need them, you would die without them. how can this be five possible people? who the hell is that lucky (or cursed)??

-that's- why i tend to have an otp. just because this other pairing has chemistry too doesn't mean it has to -happen-, in my head. you could remain friends-- that's realistic, isn't it. just because there are issues there doesn't mean they fall under the category of `immortal beloved'.

i realize a lot of people don't even believe in all that `immortal beloved' bullshit. and isn't it limiting to only write about that sort of love, considering just how rare it is? i can see writing about other possibilities to detail how they'll fail, how they won't work out. the sad thing is, i realize this is pretty much an impossible ideal, anyway, so why deny a character love just because it's not perfect. nothing is perfect, anyway. but that is only one truth.

( sometimes i believe there may be another.... or maybe, i just remember what i have always believed. )

~~

i leave you with this. an overhead conversation between two boys:

- do you think i have a soggy penis?
- YES.