~~ to sum up: wibble.
Jun. 3rd, 2003 06:24 pmthis is stupid, but.
i just realized that the hardest thing for me to write, hands down, out of all possible plots and all possible stories, is h/d where draco doesn't really love harry.
i can write about them dying, i can write about rape, murder, disease, disillusionment, break-up, jealousy, apathy, hatred, abuse, evil, anything, anything, even if i haven't yet.
but just a sincere, simple lack of love (given they're together to begin with) makes me want to run away screaming into the night.
i don't care if the character never shows it, or never realizes it in himself, or in fact believes something completely false. i don't care if they never get together, remain antagonistic, become friends-but-not-lovers, leave each other, hurt each other, betray each other, kill each other.
the idea that the thing is, one of them simply doesn't love the other is like... armageddon. i simply can't deal with it. my mind shuts down. i gibber and whine and want to cling to the skirts of somebody suspiciously maternal and non-existent because i never -did- that when i was -three-, forget now.
i'm not sure if this is a function of how i see having an otp, or just me being a basketcase, or what. but fact remains, i read and write romance because i -need- it. i need to believe it. i realize that as a serious writer, i need to be able to write about all the range of human relationships, which includes false love, deceptive love, love that never works out or really -flowers- into anything -true-. people are together for all sorts of stupid reasons. sometimes yes, for comfort, for reassurance, just not to be alone, just because they need -somebody-, somebody to validate them, somebody to hold them, just because it's easy. yes.
maybe it strikes too close to home, i don't know.
this is when it becomes obvious i've invested -way- too much into them. at the point where i can't let them go, play with them this way and that, the way any author plays with their characters. they're not free to not love each other, and that's just scary. sigh.
( man. the most unpredictable things send me into a tail-spin sometimes. an overactive imagination isn't really a girl's best friend, heh. )
gahd, i can't believe i'm freaking out about this ><;;
back to um... beta-then-qaf-because-even-i-know-there-are-more-important-things-than-gay-sex. or not, 'cause i'm betaing gay sex. heeee. ^^
i just realized that the hardest thing for me to write, hands down, out of all possible plots and all possible stories, is h/d where draco doesn't really love harry.
i can write about them dying, i can write about rape, murder, disease, disillusionment, break-up, jealousy, apathy, hatred, abuse, evil, anything, anything, even if i haven't yet.
but just a sincere, simple lack of love (given they're together to begin with) makes me want to run away screaming into the night.
i don't care if the character never shows it, or never realizes it in himself, or in fact believes something completely false. i don't care if they never get together, remain antagonistic, become friends-but-not-lovers, leave each other, hurt each other, betray each other, kill each other.
the idea that the thing is, one of them simply doesn't love the other is like... armageddon. i simply can't deal with it. my mind shuts down. i gibber and whine and want to cling to the skirts of somebody suspiciously maternal and non-existent because i never -did- that when i was -three-, forget now.
i'm not sure if this is a function of how i see having an otp, or just me being a basketcase, or what. but fact remains, i read and write romance because i -need- it. i need to believe it. i realize that as a serious writer, i need to be able to write about all the range of human relationships, which includes false love, deceptive love, love that never works out or really -flowers- into anything -true-. people are together for all sorts of stupid reasons. sometimes yes, for comfort, for reassurance, just not to be alone, just because they need -somebody-, somebody to validate them, somebody to hold them, just because it's easy. yes.
maybe it strikes too close to home, i don't know.
this is when it becomes obvious i've invested -way- too much into them. at the point where i can't let them go, play with them this way and that, the way any author plays with their characters. they're not free to not love each other, and that's just scary. sigh.
( man. the most unpredictable things send me into a tail-spin sometimes. an overactive imagination isn't really a girl's best friend, heh. )
gahd, i can't believe i'm freaking out about this ><;;
back to um... beta-then-qaf-because-even-i-know-there-are-more-important-things-than-gay-sex. or not, 'cause i'm betaing gay sex. heeee. ^^
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