~~merp

( me, going on about meta-reading stuff, inspired by an lj post: )

uh. yeah. is it me or is hp anime-style kinda...... freaky? um. it's prolly just me. but still.

~~`"Kiss me, Harry!" Draco said, making kissing noises' heehee um. disregard subject...

that was um. random fluff from a fic that is now on my official "to read" list, heh... i can't believe i thought i could resist cute!draco :> anyway....

was rushing to 'puter lab where i work to write things down. was exhilarated by the wondrous mist hovering over mountains in the distance. decided i would shrivel up and die without mountains. words can come and go, lust after them as i do, but mountains? (yesh, i do `have feelings' for good old gotham, but it kills me, it really does). decided (once again) that the feel of sunlight on me and dry hilly grass under my feet keeps me sane. well, relatively speaking of course. was seeing sign saying `paleobotany' on the way to lovely lovely lab (huge windows, we've got, yum), rolling the word on my tongue-- pa·leo·bot·a·ny. felt lucky to be near paleobotany headquarters, today. there are huge windows, in the corridors, and you can see the science-building's bird-cages through them. well they're not really cages. caged-off cubes. with lots and lots of parakeets. i love parakeets. they make life sweet. indeed. plus i'm right now using a G4 mac, which is by itself, a lovely thing. it's all shiny and translucent and... and...flat-screened... and stuff. it's cool here. there are mirrors, reflecting window-light. almost no one here, to answer stupid questions for. yes. life is good.

earlier, i was feeling self-conscious. was thinking about how... uncomfortable i am, with the idea that maybe i'm saying too much. (isn't this a lot of words? why am i so babbly? i hate being babbly.) thinking how, as much as i resist 95% of cultural evil!memes, the idea of "less-is-more" (for women especially) has thoroughly wormed itself into my subconscious. i valiantly resist it, but not always successfully. thinking how i fetishize slim, wraith-like bodies, paleness, minimalist expressions, emotional distance. thinking how i feel somewhat dirty for not meeting any of those standards, late in my psychic night anyway. large, ebullient women, with attitudes are somehow shameful in this culture, anyway. sure, they could put on this act, like "i don't care, fuck you all", but. i'm not loud. in real life, i'm the furthest thing from loud. is it because i feel i -shouldn't- express myself? who wants to hear me, anyway? possibly.

it's not that i want to be anonymous. it's not that i really think i have nothing to say. but sometimes... i realize i'm not being quiet, and it disturbs me. i realize i'm just babbling nonsense and amusing myself, and it'd be totally ok if no one ever read it, but.... it's still ok. i can't even imagine saying things that i wouldn't want anyone to read. it's all a question of who'd -want- to read it. same with "just wanting friends to read it"-- in fact, if only `friends' read something, that puts -more- pressure to say something interesting (they know you and they aren't afraid to say you're a dumbass). of course that's probably not what most people are concerned with. of course no one reads this who doesn't want to. this is reassuring. *pats self on back* yeah.

btw. thinking about `love'. thinking how it seems one loves every person differently-- just-- completely differently, in quality (if not quantity). thinking how that's weird, and how it doesn't fit with my "romantic ideals", and i don't know why, and i don't know if it should, or why it should. also thinking, if i ever read about harry and/or draco feeling anything `suspicious' about anyone else, i'd want to (fictionally) kill them. (arrgh, arrrgh, and so on). maybe that's why it's hard for me to finish the last bit of luciusmalfoy's story, much as it rawks (and much as it's actually humor-- and much as i'm scared to imagine what that promised `happy ending' can actually entail). apparently, this sort of feeling isn't unusual (one small, tiny one-person-wide survey later, heh). what does it mean? who knows, i'm not yoda. i don't know (and yes, as far as cop-outs and flippant answers go, i like that one, thankyouverymuch).

    i do know that i'm starting to think (having seen some new-movie!harry) that um... i think i think mr. radcliffe is as cute as mr. felton, heh. um, yeah, earth-shattering i'm sure, but hey. i like those glasses... mmm... glasses... anyway. mind.... going... must.... get....away.... from.... 'puter....need... sustenance....

oh, and-- btw #2. i wrote a whole new story! it's about this prince, who gets turned into a frog. it's slashy! whoa, yeah. you gotta luv those random inspirations, where i feel forced into a writing frenzy ;p

eeew.

anyway--

ADDENDUM:

it's at ff.net now, since um, even though, it's not like any ff.netters actually wannit (*snorts* oo, yeah, i'm sure they wannit, alright), i'm a needy bitch and i want reviews for my horrid little babie, dammit ;p hee.

onwards....