~stop being like that, stop it!... you know....

how you are...

have you ever thought that maybe if you tell yourself something long enough, it'll become true? have you ever wondered what was the product of someone's "issues" and what was "real", whatever real is? have you ever wanted to both be someone else completely while being horrified at the idea of changing anything about yourself at all?

it's harder to write my h/d story right now. it's like, i'm at the meat of it. i have to finally ask myself, --why?-- why? why are they doing this? what's actually happening?

i ask myself that too.

i know why i read fiction. i know why i like nature, and what type of architecture and music appeals to me, and it's all perfectly fine.

( but why does love.... )

i'm tired of being helpless. i want to help-- myself, others, the world-- but i can't.

i want to help harry and draco (in my fic) but i don't have a clue about that either.

i need to be needed, i want to be wanted, don't we all? i want to be more like harry, or hermione, or draco. i want to have a place, a purpose. even if it's a messed up and dangerous place, a pathetic, mean-spirited purpose-- at least it has style, rhythm. i like that. i don't -admire- draco, but he at least pretends he knows what he's doing-- ie, following his fathers' and his own single-minded whims. hey, everyone needs goals.

that statement, "i can't help myself, but i want to. i can't help it, but i want you." there's something wrong with that, isn't there? of course there is.
what about, "i can't help you, but i want to. i can't help it, but i want to." that's me. better, or worse?

i keep running into this dilemma, over and over, different variations. always failing to figure out what to do about it. what does one do about it?
can harry help draco? can draco be helped? can harry spare himself? can he even help himself?
what does want mean, when everything is so messed up with years of misunderstanding and malice to taint any future?

( & here i go again.... )

man. harry channeling reena.
ha. what'll they think of next ;p

and now... for the fluff:
( um. which symbolism am i. ha! i'm the post-reenaist colonial model X47 symbolism... )

on another note~ as far as what stupid online quiz i am, i'm glad to see i'm totally random, but randomly interesting *grins* i love being interesting. beats DULL anyway.... :P

--i'm da man-- behold my terrifying power of.... telepathy! oh yes. oh yes. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING dammit. mmf. don't laugh;p

~~agape and shnoogle and adore...

cool. i um.... i do think, sometimes, of why is it i want to *glomp* and *worship at the feet of* and say *oooooohhhiloveyou* to-- well-- people i don't know. this entry of earthquake1906's made me realize, for the first time (duh!), that maybe "love is just a word".

well. i mean, i feel weird about it.
what is that adoring, manic, happy, burst of insane affection i get for fics...? and just words in general, and thus naturally spilling onto the people behind them? what is it? love is... well have any of us figured out what love is? of course, in comments to the above post.... ``Stupid, obsessed or in love? (Or, stupid and obsessed, i.e. in love?)". heh. thus, "i'm struck dumb, and am happily obsessed" should be a good, honest stand-in for "oh god ohgodohgodohgod, I LOVE YOU, heh.

i'm careful, usually. i don't throw that word around, in day-to-day life. but something about fiction. makes me *squee*. and yell i love you's and adores. i don't actually think this is even unusual :) i think i'm over-excitable. but still, i say. it's true love :>