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reenkahow you are...
have you ever thought that maybe if you tell yourself something long enough, it'll become true? have you ever wondered what was the product of someone's "issues" and what was "real", whatever real is? have you ever wanted to both be someone else completely while being horrified at the idea of changing anything about yourself at all?
it's harder to write my h/d story right now. it's like, i'm at the meat of it. i have to finally ask myself, --why?-- why? why are they doing this? what's actually happening?
i ask myself that too.
i know why i read fiction. i know why i like nature, and what type of architecture and music appeals to me, and it's all perfectly fine.
why does love get much more insane when it comes to people? why do you think of that and go, man, that's a mistake, whereas i still think it's perfectly reasonable i liked elfquest and star trek and that peter pan cartoon, it's just that i'm um... on the flipside of that obsession now, no hard feelings....
what kind of sad thing is it when one's feelings are a mistake? of course, my "wise" self tells me, feelings are never a mistake. there is no true, honest feeling that isn't "good"-- so even if i paired wufei and duo, it's like, more power to them, theoretically. why am i happy that i get tingly and happy from fictional smut the same way as in real life, or something that calls itself that sometimes? it means the "real" wasn't all that special, i don't have to worry. it's ok. it's safe. just like in the books. it's safe, won't hurt, doesn't have to mean anything. it doesn't have to mean anything except what i want it to mean.
when did i become such a chicken?
my burning desire is to not shake myself up too badly. i'm afraid i can't deal even with the most mundane of life's demands (can reena get to the grocery store on time?? uh...well... not always). i can deal with fiction-- and even that overpowers me. i don't want things to be bland and boring and yet, if they aren't, how does one hold on to one's hat?
actually my hat stays on most of the time. it's a miracle :)
sometimes i forget it's on. i have to finger my hat to remember-- yes, it's there. hat, check. sanity, check. imagination, check. hope, in progress.
i'm tired of being helpless. i want to help-- myself, others, the world-- but i can't.
i want to help harry and draco (in my fic) but i don't have a clue about that either.
i need to be needed, i want to be wanted, don't we all? i want to be more like harry, or hermione, or draco. i want to have a place, a purpose. even if it's a messed up and dangerous place, a pathetic, mean-spirited purpose-- at least it has style, rhythm. i like that. i don't -admire- draco, but he at least pretends he knows what he's doing-- ie, following his fathers' and his own single-minded whims. hey, everyone needs goals.
that statement, "i can't help myself, but i want to. i can't help it, but i want you." there's something wrong with that, isn't there? of course there is.
what about, "i can't help you, but i want to. i can't help it, but i want to." that's me. better, or worse?
i keep running into this dilemma, over and over, different variations. always failing to figure out what to do about it. what does one do about it?
can harry help draco? can draco be helped? can harry spare himself? can he even help himself?
what does want mean, when everything is so messed up with years of misunderstanding and malice to taint any future?
can harry ever forget all those things draco said? does he even want to?
can he really ever forgive? it doesn't even -matter-, see, even if in the story, in the "real story", draco didn't mean it, he was just acting, secretly he's even been looking out for harry, see he even formed the "Potter Rescue and Torture Society," isn't he special. see depends how you look at it, he'd say. see, i felt like this all along, he'd say. aren't you happy?
if i was writing harry, he'd say, no, i don't care. it HURT, those things you did. you can't take them back. you can't just explain them. those years of hating-- those don't go away in hindsight. you can't paint over them with pastel colors. they're ugly and they're here to stay. -you- aren't ugly, draco, he'd say, and -you- will always have hope for a beautiful future-- but you can't just say, the past wasn't really what it seemed-- yes it's always different for everybody, everybody has a different idea of what was -really- going on, so what. that's always how it is. for -me-, it was as if your reality didn't exist. for me, it didn't. and that's just something you'll have to deal with.
i can't tell you the future, even if you think you can tell -me- the future (and the past). i can't say where we'll be, or what we'll become. we can only be who we are, isn't that true, draco? i am who i am, he'd say. you have to deal with that. i'm not who i would've been, had you been honest with me or yourself. i'm not that person. and -you're- not that person either. you are draco malfoy, the boy who lied, and if you thought there was a good and noble reason, or a selfish and cowardly reason, it doesn't matter, does it. what's past is past.
man. harry channeling reena.
ha. what'll they think of next ;p
and now... for the fluff:
what movie symbolism are you? find out!
on another note~ as far as what stupid online quiz i am, i'm glad to see i'm totally random, but randomly interesting *grins* i love being interesting. beats DULL anyway.... :P
--i'm da man-- behold my terrifying power of.... telepathy! oh yes. oh yes. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING dammit. mmf. don't laugh;p
have you ever thought that maybe if you tell yourself something long enough, it'll become true? have you ever wondered what was the product of someone's "issues" and what was "real", whatever real is? have you ever wanted to both be someone else completely while being horrified at the idea of changing anything about yourself at all?
it's harder to write my h/d story right now. it's like, i'm at the meat of it. i have to finally ask myself, --why?-- why? why are they doing this? what's actually happening?
i ask myself that too.
i know why i read fiction. i know why i like nature, and what type of architecture and music appeals to me, and it's all perfectly fine.
why does love get much more insane when it comes to people? why do you think of that and go, man, that's a mistake, whereas i still think it's perfectly reasonable i liked elfquest and star trek and that peter pan cartoon, it's just that i'm um... on the flipside of that obsession now, no hard feelings....
what kind of sad thing is it when one's feelings are a mistake? of course, my "wise" self tells me, feelings are never a mistake. there is no true, honest feeling that isn't "good"-- so even if i paired wufei and duo, it's like, more power to them, theoretically. why am i happy that i get tingly and happy from fictional smut the same way as in real life, or something that calls itself that sometimes? it means the "real" wasn't all that special, i don't have to worry. it's ok. it's safe. just like in the books. it's safe, won't hurt, doesn't have to mean anything. it doesn't have to mean anything except what i want it to mean.
when did i become such a chicken?
my burning desire is to not shake myself up too badly. i'm afraid i can't deal even with the most mundane of life's demands (can reena get to the grocery store on time?? uh...well... not always). i can deal with fiction-- and even that overpowers me. i don't want things to be bland and boring and yet, if they aren't, how does one hold on to one's hat?
actually my hat stays on most of the time. it's a miracle :)
sometimes i forget it's on. i have to finger my hat to remember-- yes, it's there. hat, check. sanity, check. imagination, check. hope, in progress.
i'm tired of being helpless. i want to help-- myself, others, the world-- but i can't.
i want to help harry and draco (in my fic) but i don't have a clue about that either.
i need to be needed, i want to be wanted, don't we all? i want to be more like harry, or hermione, or draco. i want to have a place, a purpose. even if it's a messed up and dangerous place, a pathetic, mean-spirited purpose-- at least it has style, rhythm. i like that. i don't -admire- draco, but he at least pretends he knows what he's doing-- ie, following his fathers' and his own single-minded whims. hey, everyone needs goals.
that statement, "i can't help myself, but i want to. i can't help it, but i want you." there's something wrong with that, isn't there? of course there is.
what about, "i can't help you, but i want to. i can't help it, but i want to." that's me. better, or worse?
i keep running into this dilemma, over and over, different variations. always failing to figure out what to do about it. what does one do about it?
can harry help draco? can draco be helped? can harry spare himself? can he even help himself?
what does want mean, when everything is so messed up with years of misunderstanding and malice to taint any future?
can harry ever forget all those things draco said? does he even want to?
can he really ever forgive? it doesn't even -matter-, see, even if in the story, in the "real story", draco didn't mean it, he was just acting, secretly he's even been looking out for harry, see he even formed the "Potter Rescue and Torture Society," isn't he special. see depends how you look at it, he'd say. see, i felt like this all along, he'd say. aren't you happy?
if i was writing harry, he'd say, no, i don't care. it HURT, those things you did. you can't take them back. you can't just explain them. those years of hating-- those don't go away in hindsight. you can't paint over them with pastel colors. they're ugly and they're here to stay. -you- aren't ugly, draco, he'd say, and -you- will always have hope for a beautiful future-- but you can't just say, the past wasn't really what it seemed-- yes it's always different for everybody, everybody has a different idea of what was -really- going on, so what. that's always how it is. for -me-, it was as if your reality didn't exist. for me, it didn't. and that's just something you'll have to deal with.
i can't tell you the future, even if you think you can tell -me- the future (and the past). i can't say where we'll be, or what we'll become. we can only be who we are, isn't that true, draco? i am who i am, he'd say. you have to deal with that. i'm not who i would've been, had you been honest with me or yourself. i'm not that person. and -you're- not that person either. you are draco malfoy, the boy who lied, and if you thought there was a good and noble reason, or a selfish and cowardly reason, it doesn't matter, does it. what's past is past.
man. harry channeling reena.
ha. what'll they think of next ;p
and now... for the fluff:
what movie symbolism are you? find out!
on another note~ as far as what stupid online quiz i am, i'm glad to see i'm totally random, but randomly interesting *grins* i love being interesting. beats DULL anyway.... :P
--i'm da man-- behold my terrifying power of.... telepathy! oh yes. oh yes. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING dammit. mmf. don't laugh;p
