(fear is not the end of this)
Jul. 5th, 2004 10:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaWhat confuses me... okay, most things confuse me, but. In particular: when most people (whoever you are-- and who are you, anyway??)-- when they believe something, do they believe it without doubt? Do they really? Or do they just not go on about their crises of belief the way I do?
I was just looking through my H/D posts in my memories, and I realized that most of them were about how I -want- to believe, and -need- to believe, but also what a struggle it is. It generally sounds as if I'm trying to convince myself more than anyone, and basically I use a lot of my most unrealistic and romantic ideals to back me up 'cause I have such a hard time 'seeing' it, realistically-speaking. Mind you, I don't think my love of the pairing ever wavers significantly-- only my tolerance for pretense.
It's a weird, masochistic thing, in a way, believing in the necessity of things-- the necessity of impossible love-- that never let you rest. I'm listening to Ani's `Both Hands' right now, thanks to the H/D soundtrack on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
hp_soundtracks, and yeah, it's such an H/D song-- just. Yeah. Ani's great for H/D-- `As Is', especially. Oh man, I -wish-. I wish.
and i am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
and i am getting nowhere with you
and i can't let it go
and i can't get through
I think. I think... yeah. I think it can't work. It won't work. You know? I always sit there and think "it won't work" like I'm condemning my own spirit to pain (as in, I know it'll hurt when it happens), and then I nod and go "well, back to it, then". And I feel like... this isn't what 'shipping' is about for most people, is it? People break up, get up and do it again and tell themselves it wasn't 'right' the last time, that's all. But what if it -was- right? What if love is the only thing that really -matters-, but what if it's not enough anyway? That's the question that won't leave me alone, and I try to answer it to my satisfaction (yes? no? neither answer seems to -work-) and I -can't-.
Every time I look into the future of love, I feel all depressed, so I prefer not to look. Love dies, doesn't it? Especially stupid, passionate, teenage love. It dies. But that's the point-- the story becomes more poignant, more important, more vital. The knowledge of its death creates its life, for me. It makes the life more intense, this constant threat of extinction-- I mean, isn't that the human condition? We, none of us, will last.
please use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
i am writing graffiti on your body
i am drawing the story of how hard we tried
...It's Achilles' love: flying though you know you'll fall-- fighting though you know you'll die. It's that story.
But not always. Not always. Those are the good days, man. Listening to Live's `I Alone' (intended as being from Dumbledore to Harry, and it fits) makes me think of how Draco might feel. Because Harry isn't the only one 'chained to fate', and Draco's chained to Harry's. Sometimes I believe they can break fate together.
it's easier not to be wise
and measure these things by your brains
I was just looking through my H/D posts in my memories, and I realized that most of them were about how I -want- to believe, and -need- to believe, but also what a struggle it is. It generally sounds as if I'm trying to convince myself more than anyone, and basically I use a lot of my most unrealistic and romantic ideals to back me up 'cause I have such a hard time 'seeing' it, realistically-speaking. Mind you, I don't think my love of the pairing ever wavers significantly-- only my tolerance for pretense.
It's a weird, masochistic thing, in a way, believing in the necessity of things-- the necessity of impossible love-- that never let you rest. I'm listening to Ani's `Both Hands' right now, thanks to the H/D soundtrack on
hp_soundtracks, and yeah, it's such an H/D song-- just. Yeah. Ani's great for H/D-- `As Is', especially. Oh man, I -wish-. I wish.and i am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
and i am getting nowhere with you
and i can't let it go
and i can't get through
I think. I think... yeah. I think it can't work. It won't work. You know? I always sit there and think "it won't work" like I'm condemning my own spirit to pain (as in, I know it'll hurt when it happens), and then I nod and go "well, back to it, then". And I feel like... this isn't what 'shipping' is about for most people, is it? People break up, get up and do it again and tell themselves it wasn't 'right' the last time, that's all. But what if it -was- right? What if love is the only thing that really -matters-, but what if it's not enough anyway? That's the question that won't leave me alone, and I try to answer it to my satisfaction (yes? no? neither answer seems to -work-) and I -can't-.
Every time I look into the future of love, I feel all depressed, so I prefer not to look. Love dies, doesn't it? Especially stupid, passionate, teenage love. It dies. But that's the point-- the story becomes more poignant, more important, more vital. The knowledge of its death creates its life, for me. It makes the life more intense, this constant threat of extinction-- I mean, isn't that the human condition? We, none of us, will last.
please use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
i am writing graffiti on your body
i am drawing the story of how hard we tried
...It's Achilles' love: flying though you know you'll fall-- fighting though you know you'll die. It's that story.
But not always. Not always. Those are the good days, man. Listening to Live's `I Alone' (intended as being from Dumbledore to Harry, and it fits) makes me think of how Draco might feel. Because Harry isn't the only one 'chained to fate', and Draco's chained to Harry's. Sometimes I believe they can break fate together.
it's easier not to be wise
and measure these things by your brains
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no subject
Date: 2004-07-06 12:34 pm (UTC)And see, I've been on the verge of giving up on H/D. I rarely write it, mostly because everything turns cliche after so many people have thought of the same thing, but also because it seems too hard. I mean, you can have risks and frenzied love in other pairings, but it's not so difficult to get them together, at least. But I think of Only the impossible is worth the effort and the way my girlfriend and I make up stories about everyone we see, one entailing these two boys at our former school who are obviously in love. (Even if they aren't, it makes for a beautiful - if really messed up - story.) Yet they're probably the last two people anyone would expect to get together, even if they were gay, yet together they're impossibly right. And Jen always says that it makes her believe in a world where two people like that can find each other, even when it's unexpected, improbable, impossible even.
"As Is" - gah, yeah. That's what we all hope they can reach, isn't it? That's kind of where I was going with "The Space Between," because sometimes that gap just can't be breached, not unless they fight hard enough. But sometimes it can. I mean, it can because they do. And believing in H/D is believing in the chance of them. I mean, the chance that this could be the love to live on, the one that could be made enough. Sometimes I believe they can break fate together. Yes. That's it, right there.
Ahaha, sorry for this. ♥♥♥!