(fear is not the end of this)

[reenka]

What confuses me... okay, most things confuse me, but. In particular: when most people (whoever you are-- and who are you, anyway??)-- when they believe something, do they believe it without doubt? Do they really? Or do they just not go on about their crises of belief the way I do?

I was just looking through my H/D posts in my memories, and I realized that most of them were about how I -want- to believe, and -need- to believe, but also what a struggle it is. It generally sounds as if I'm trying to convince myself more than anyone, and basically I use a lot of my most unrealistic and romantic ideals to back me up 'cause I have such a hard time 'seeing' it, realistically-speaking. Mind you, I don't think my love of the pairing ever wavers significantly-- only my tolerance for pretense.

It's a weird, masochistic thing, in a way, believing in the necessity of things-- the necessity of impossible love-- that never let you rest. I'm listening to Ani's `Both Hands' right now, thanks to the H/D soundtrack on hp_soundtracks, and yeah, it's such an H/D song-- just. Yeah. Ani's great for H/D-- `As Is', especially. Oh man, I -wish-. I wish.


and i am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
and i am getting nowhere with you
and i can't let it go
and i can't get through

I think. I think... yeah. I think it can't work. It won't work. You know? I always sit there and think "it won't work" like I'm condemning my own spirit to pain (as in, I know it'll hurt when it happens), and then I nod and go "well, back to it, then". And I feel like... this isn't what 'shipping' is about for most people, is it? People break up, get up and do it again and tell themselves it wasn't 'right' the last time, that's all. But what if it -was- right? What if love is the only thing that really -matters-, but what if it's not enough anyway? That's the question that won't leave me alone, and I try to answer it to my satisfaction (yes? no? neither answer seems to -work-) and I -can't-.

Every time I look into the future of love, I feel all depressed, so I prefer not to look. Love dies, doesn't it? Especially stupid, passionate, teenage love. It dies. But that's the point-- the story becomes more poignant, more important, more vital. The knowledge of its death creates its life, for me. It makes the life more intense, this constant threat of extinction-- I mean, isn't that the human condition? We, none of us, will last.

please use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
i am writing graffiti on your body
i am drawing the story of how hard we tried


...It's Achilles' love: flying though you know you'll fall-- fighting though you know you'll die. It's that story.
    But not always. Not always. Those are the good days, man. Listening to Live's `I Alone' (intended as being from Dumbledore to Harry, and it fits) makes me think of how Draco might feel. Because Harry isn't the only one 'chained to fate', and Draco's chained to Harry's. Sometimes I believe they can break fate together.

it's easier not to be wise
and measure these things by your brains

Comments

[wobblygoblin.livejournal.com]

Every time I look into the future of love, I feel all depressed, so I prefer not to look. Love dies, doesn't it?

Mmm, that sparks a different sort of thought for me. After awhile all the "shipping", all the "fanfic", leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I have to back away quickly, very quickly. Because with each story we're given days and months and weeks of unresolved emotions and tug-at-the-heartstring situations that really only last a few pages and in the end--no matter if it ends happy or sad--I'm left with a bad taste in my mouth.

Because I think it creates the illusion that love is a tidy tidy bundle like that. After the last paragraph, I always wonder... What happens next? No matter how deep or poignant the story, it's never -complete- and that's what frustrates me, because it doesn't seem likely that anyone can or will write a story that spans in detail fifty years of a person's life with the kind of writing displayed in all the fanfic I've read.

It's like, I look at my parents, married for 25 years, or my grandparents, one set married for fifty years and another forty-three years, and I think how does that work? I mean honestly. Their lives are not the angst-ridden, emotionally charged dramas/romances you read about but they have this deep, profound love for one another that shakes me to my core and makes me wish with everything in my heart that I will know how to do what they do, find someone to spend my life with and work through all the mundane every day things that nobody ever seems to think about in fanfic.

And reading fanfic and the like sort of -lies- to you and makes you think love has to, has to, be this roller-coaster frenzy of feeling. I mean, where do you go from there? It makes me feel that anything but the kind of passionate scarring/healing, consuming/renewing love I read about is really just boring, and wouldn't you rather just escape into fantasy, my dear, hm? A quick read won't hurt, there's a lass. Let's just make you feel inadequate and ruin all your chances at that kind of steady, solid love you observe in your parents or grandparents because you pass it up in favor of something you think you should be feeling.

So after a while I can't stand to read about love because I wonder if the people writing it have actually FELT, really FELT the kind of connection or emotion or whatever they describe or if they're writing the ideal or writing refried beans of what someone has written before them.

And the language is pretty and the characters say they feel all these wonderful things so reality and truth are considered unimportant in the face of... oh I don't even know if there's a word for it. Writer's fancy or audience's desire or something.

Sigh. This is what happens when I eat candy before bed.

also

[wobblygoblin.livejournal.com]

As for belief, well... I think that there are just certain things you believe that you don't have to convince yourself of. But that it differs for every person. I believe that homophobia is ignorance and that people are basically good even though there's often sewage in the way and you shouldn't hurt people unless you really have to and even then you have no right, just survival. I believe love exists, but not the kind in the movies and that intelligent people are always attractive, even if they're ugly, because their mind is beautiful.

As for God... I think belief is easier for some people than others, in respect to their intelligence. The more intelligence a person possesses, the more curious the mind; consequently, the more they question. A tiny part of me believes there is a God and a tiny part of me always questions it, but I've accepted that about myself.

And I think more importantly, after I've accepted, it's what I want to believe that matters because you'll never stop yourself from questioning because you can't put blinders on your mind. But figuring out what you -want- to believe, and even if you question it, trying to believe it. That's what matters. I -want- to believe in a higher power even if I question it. So the part of me that believes outweighs the part of me that doesn't, that questions, that dissects. And I can be content with that.

Haha, I sure hope I made some sort of sense. It is awfully past my bedtime.