(fear is not the end of this)

[reenka]

What confuses me... okay, most things confuse me, but. In particular: when most people (whoever you are-- and who are you, anyway??)-- when they believe something, do they believe it without doubt? Do they really? Or do they just not go on about their crises of belief the way I do?

I was just looking through my H/D posts in my memories, and I realized that most of them were about how I -want- to believe, and -need- to believe, but also what a struggle it is. It generally sounds as if I'm trying to convince myself more than anyone, and basically I use a lot of my most unrealistic and romantic ideals to back me up 'cause I have such a hard time 'seeing' it, realistically-speaking. Mind you, I don't think my love of the pairing ever wavers significantly-- only my tolerance for pretense.

It's a weird, masochistic thing, in a way, believing in the necessity of things-- the necessity of impossible love-- that never let you rest. I'm listening to Ani's `Both Hands' right now, thanks to the H/D soundtrack on hp_soundtracks, and yeah, it's such an H/D song-- just. Yeah. Ani's great for H/D-- `As Is', especially. Oh man, I -wish-. I wish.


and i am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
and i am getting nowhere with you
and i can't let it go
and i can't get through

I think. I think... yeah. I think it can't work. It won't work. You know? I always sit there and think "it won't work" like I'm condemning my own spirit to pain (as in, I know it'll hurt when it happens), and then I nod and go "well, back to it, then". And I feel like... this isn't what 'shipping' is about for most people, is it? People break up, get up and do it again and tell themselves it wasn't 'right' the last time, that's all. But what if it -was- right? What if love is the only thing that really -matters-, but what if it's not enough anyway? That's the question that won't leave me alone, and I try to answer it to my satisfaction (yes? no? neither answer seems to -work-) and I -can't-.

Every time I look into the future of love, I feel all depressed, so I prefer not to look. Love dies, doesn't it? Especially stupid, passionate, teenage love. It dies. But that's the point-- the story becomes more poignant, more important, more vital. The knowledge of its death creates its life, for me. It makes the life more intense, this constant threat of extinction-- I mean, isn't that the human condition? We, none of us, will last.

please use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
i am writing graffiti on your body
i am drawing the story of how hard we tried


...It's Achilles' love: flying though you know you'll fall-- fighting though you know you'll die. It's that story.
    But not always. Not always. Those are the good days, man. Listening to Live's `I Alone' (intended as being from Dumbledore to Harry, and it fits) makes me think of how Draco might feel. Because Harry isn't the only one 'chained to fate', and Draco's chained to Harry's. Sometimes I believe they can break fate together.

it's easier not to be wise
and measure these things by your brains

Comments

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's that lack of choice that was so inspiring about the second thought I added as a postcript-- `I Alone'-- that's the point of it. The point of `Both Hands' is that these two people are somehow lesser than what they feel-- they are fallible and human, and they can't live up to what they -should-, somehow. It's a typical sort of modern cynicism, yes-- where you know your failings but you can't seem to do anything about them.

And then I listened to `I Alone', and I remembered that sense of 'fate'-- another word for being 'connected', yes. Because they -are- connected, and there's nothing they could do about it. They may choose to run away and they probably wouldn't, but it'd be a lot like running away from themselves, since they're such reflections of each other.

I also really love what you said about belief and choice-- because in my experience, belief really isn't a choice, but questioning mine doesn't seem a choice for me either. A function of either self-consciousness or some existential fear, I dunno~:) And in the end, whatever one believes in terms of ideal, it's all trial and error anyway-- the individual story has to -work-; that particular variant of the future has to stand alone and speak. That's why I dislike saying that a fic appeals to 'shippers'-- people who'll read anything. I want to be convinced over and over again, ideally~:)

Because it doesn't matter of "love" can do something or not, it only matters that you and this person can do this thing.
Yes! That's what hits me eventually-- this sense that it doesn't matter what you say about them or what -they- may say about themselves, only that they're both just so powerfully desperate-- so obsessive-- that they couldn't let go anyway. They both believe in themselves and it their own power, and in the necessity of going after what they -need-. So it's like, if anyone could do it, -these- two can, strangely enough.

It's like, what I'm doubting isn't even Harry & Draco and the strength of their characters-- it's just a general disillusionment I sometimes feel with the world. But... yes. The story is fascinating, either way-- because, in the end, no story is final, so it's all about the struggle-- the neverending conflict between the different possible fates. And all of it's so dramatic and meaningful and has so much potential to illuminate the world.

And the bit about them denying the disbelief-- that's great :D Because there's clearly a lot of denial going on, isn't there? And you're never quite sure, and neither are they. And... maybe The Story is more about the question than about the answer, 'cause the answer is always different while the shippers' (my) question remains~:)