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Mar. 28th, 2004 10:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaThe thing that really bothers me is how everything comes down to the lowest common denominator when it's a group activity, when it's appreciated -by- groups or -in- groups. Like... even porn can be... visceral, intense, meaningful... not just about getting off. Or at least, one gets off, but it's not... tawdry, it's not -stupid- until it's a mass event, it seems like. The popular stuff, the stuff that gets the biggest feedback numbers... it's not that it's bad. It's just that it's... made bad by the way it's trampled on, maybe. Suddenly, it's all about the superficial pleasure in it. Does it make you feel good? You can bet it'll be popular if it's not already. Is it easy to swallow and quick to please? Oh, it'll be a hit.
I sound like such a grinch. I mean, I love a lot of the same things everyone else does, so what's that stick doing up my ass, etc. *sigh* I love this, but being a part of it kind of makes me partly sad and partly embarrassed even as I enjoy it.
There's a conflict in me, I think. I've always been a hedonist, someone who enjoyed pleasure for the sake of pleasure, and I've always been obsessive about it... but possibly I just take it too seriously. It means something to me, when it's about characters I care about. I can't just... dip in without a whole lot of emotional baggage anymore. Sometimes it feels like I've got -too much- at stake emotionally, by now, to really enjoy H/D stuff on some sort of balanced, "normal" level, I dunno. I know I take it too seriously. Like, it hurts my feelings if I think people are "using" images of them without really... caring about them, without knowing what they're really saying.
I was thinking, earlier, that maybe it's just that whole old-fandom-geezer thing setting in, where you can't take in new stuff very easily. Maybe I -have- become "jaded", except I'm -more- sensitive, not less. I've always been "porn for the masses!!1" so it's hypocritical to be all "but H/D is -speshul-" about it.
I'm not sure what to do. I still love coming across new things (even though I don't look actively, these days), but I've gotten so over-sensitive. I dunno. It's gotten to the point where they're so real to me, porn of them feels almost invasive. Isn't that insane? It is, isn't it. But it's not the sex, it's the attitude towards it. I feel like... the characters are more important than the acts, and I'm actually offended if they're used as kink-objects by people. I'm like... embarrassed for their sake, if I see people just... ogle them like sex-objects or whatever. I mean, I realize I have a problem, here, I really do.
It is at this point that people would say "I really need (another) hobby", which is why I've avoided H/D fandom, partly, while still loving to write and having the old thrill with fanfic/fanart (when I do see it). It's not (just) fun anymore, I guess, and. So most likely I'm not really coming all the way back, am I.
I sound like such a grinch. I mean, I love a lot of the same things everyone else does, so what's that stick doing up my ass, etc. *sigh* I love this, but being a part of it kind of makes me partly sad and partly embarrassed even as I enjoy it.
There's a conflict in me, I think. I've always been a hedonist, someone who enjoyed pleasure for the sake of pleasure, and I've always been obsessive about it... but possibly I just take it too seriously. It means something to me, when it's about characters I care about. I can't just... dip in without a whole lot of emotional baggage anymore. Sometimes it feels like I've got -too much- at stake emotionally, by now, to really enjoy H/D stuff on some sort of balanced, "normal" level, I dunno. I know I take it too seriously. Like, it hurts my feelings if I think people are "using" images of them without really... caring about them, without knowing what they're really saying.
I was thinking, earlier, that maybe it's just that whole old-fandom-geezer thing setting in, where you can't take in new stuff very easily. Maybe I -have- become "jaded", except I'm -more- sensitive, not less. I've always been "porn for the masses!!1" so it's hypocritical to be all "but H/D is -speshul-" about it.
I'm not sure what to do. I still love coming across new things (even though I don't look actively, these days), but I've gotten so over-sensitive. I dunno. It's gotten to the point where they're so real to me, porn of them feels almost invasive. Isn't that insane? It is, isn't it. But it's not the sex, it's the attitude towards it. I feel like... the characters are more important than the acts, and I'm actually offended if they're used as kink-objects by people. I'm like... embarrassed for their sake, if I see people just... ogle them like sex-objects or whatever. I mean, I realize I have a problem, here, I really do.
It is at this point that people would say "I really need (another) hobby", which is why I've avoided H/D fandom, partly, while still loving to write and having the old thrill with fanfic/fanart (when I do see it). It's not (just) fun anymore, I guess, and. So most likely I'm not really coming all the way back, am I.
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Date: 2004-04-02 05:49 pm (UTC)The "embarrassment" I was talking about is something I feel anytime I see mass emotional displays or squeeing or just... er... public kow-towing and such. Like, "OMG YOU ARE MAKING ME CUM BUCKETS!! YOU ARE A GENIUS!!! OMG YOU ROCK MY UNIVERSE, AAAAAAAHHH THAT IS SO HOT I WANT TO FUCK THEM BOTH RIGHT NOW!!!! >:O"
That. Embarrasses me :> Seeing page after page of it makes me feel like, "okay, I will never look at Harry or Draco sexually ever again. Poor woobies."
Mostly 'cause like... the objectifying being so body-oriented... all... I dunno, Mary-Suish maybe, inserting yourself and your lust into the picture so blatantly? I've never been comfortable with that, being a part of that. I could never be, "OMG I WANT DRACOS COCK!!! OMG LOOK AT HARRY TAKE IT!!! YEAH!!!" Y'know? I mean. Eurgh.
It's not any particular kink I'm not comfortable with, it's the public orgy-ness and the objectification. I mean, okay, writing porn about them... I guess I can be seen as objectifying them... but I'm not -trying- to, honest!! Even if/when I get off on writing/reading them, I'm identifying & losing myself in the emotional situation, I'm discarding my ego, y'know? I'm very uncomfortable with... using them as sex-objects without really... I dunno, connecting that to their personalities. Just... kinda thinking of it as a hot show, or whatever. Does that make sense? I'm totally okay with erotica, sensuality, with pornifying children's books, whatever-- but when it's pure base lust, I have issues. Then again... it's such a personal emotional thing to me-- lust, I mean. All intense and vivid. It really embarrasses me to have it be just... casual ogling & drooling. I dunno.
But it's not about what they're doing or how-- it's just that I care about them and I'm not entirely comfortable with seeing them sexually from the outside. I mean... it's okay from the inside, when I'm in their heads, but... "outside", they're just... two boys I care about. Er. In a platonic way ^^; I dunno. The whole... public bacchanilia aspect of fangirlism always freaked me out. I'm just a shy person, I think :>
It's like... to me, the fans' reaction to the drawings is part of the experience, part of the "fandom" experience. It's more intense for me than Ron's voyeurism, somehow. Like... Ron is part of a story, which is confined to that one picture. The fangirling is widespread and encompasses not just this pic but a whole attitude which embarrasses me. There's something weirdly private about H/D sex to me... or like, not private, but between the two of -them-. It's -theirs- not -mine- (or Ron's for that matter). But like... it's more Ron's than it is -everyone's-. I dunno. I'm sounding really messed up now :>
I'd never be conflicted by enjoying my kink, or anything -I- enjoy or anything someone else enjoys... though demonstrativeness itself embarrasses me, of any sort. Like... it's just that I can't be part of that without... er... well, I can't. It's too... weird to me. I think I'm just... bad with group enthusiasm, I really am. I'm just... it's the crowd objectification thing, that's all.
Anyway, you're right, I didn't touch on any of this, ahahah. Oh man -.-