reenka

The thing that really bothers me is how everything comes down to the lowest common denominator when it's a group activity, when it's appreciated -by- groups or -in- groups. Like... even porn can be... visceral, intense, meaningful... not just about getting off. Or at least, one gets off, but it's not... tawdry, it's not -stupid- until it's a mass event, it seems like. The popular stuff, the stuff that gets the biggest feedback numbers... it's not that it's bad. It's just that it's... made bad by the way it's trampled on, maybe. Suddenly, it's all about the superficial pleasure in it. Does it make you feel good? You can bet it'll be popular if it's not already. Is it easy to swallow and quick to please? Oh, it'll be a hit.

I sound like such a grinch. I mean, I love a lot of the same things everyone else does, so what's that stick doing up my ass, etc. *sigh* I love this, but being a part of it kind of makes me partly sad and partly embarrassed even as I enjoy it.

There's a conflict in me, I think. I've always been a hedonist, someone who enjoyed pleasure for the sake of pleasure, and I've always been obsessive about it... but possibly I just take it too seriously. It means something to me, when it's about characters I care about. I can't just... dip in without a whole lot of emotional baggage anymore. Sometimes it feels like I've got -too much- at stake emotionally, by now, to really enjoy H/D stuff on some sort of balanced, "normal" level, I dunno. I know I take it too seriously. Like, it hurts my feelings if I think people are "using" images of them without really... caring about them, without knowing what they're really saying.

I was thinking, earlier, that maybe it's just that whole old-fandom-geezer thing setting in, where you can't take in new stuff very easily. Maybe I -have- become "jaded", except I'm -more- sensitive, not less. I've always been "porn for the masses!!1" so it's hypocritical to be all "but H/D is -speshul-" about it.

I'm not sure what to do. I still love coming across new things (even though I don't look actively, these days), but I've gotten so over-sensitive. I dunno. It's gotten to the point where they're so real to me, porn of them feels almost invasive. Isn't that insane? It is, isn't it. But it's not the sex, it's the attitude towards it. I feel like... the characters are more important than the acts, and I'm actually offended if they're used as kink-objects by people. I'm like... embarrassed for their sake, if I see people just... ogle them like sex-objects or whatever. I mean, I realize I have a problem, here, I really do.

It is at this point that people would say "I really need (another) hobby", which is why I've avoided H/D fandom, partly, while still loving to write and having the old thrill with fanfic/fanart (when I do see it). It's not (just) fun anymore, I guess, and. So most likely I'm not really coming all the way back, am I.