(no subject)

[reenka]

The thing that really bothers me is how everything comes down to the lowest common denominator when it's a group activity, when it's appreciated -by- groups or -in- groups. Like... even porn can be... visceral, intense, meaningful... not just about getting off. Or at least, one gets off, but it's not... tawdry, it's not -stupid- until it's a mass event, it seems like. The popular stuff, the stuff that gets the biggest feedback numbers... it's not that it's bad. It's just that it's... made bad by the way it's trampled on, maybe. Suddenly, it's all about the superficial pleasure in it. Does it make you feel good? You can bet it'll be popular if it's not already. Is it easy to swallow and quick to please? Oh, it'll be a hit.


I sound like such a grinch. I mean, I love a lot of the same things everyone else does, so what's that stick doing up my ass, etc. *sigh* I love this, but being a part of it kind of makes me partly sad and partly embarrassed even as I enjoy it.

There's a conflict in me, I think. I've always been a hedonist, someone who enjoyed pleasure for the sake of pleasure, and I've always been obsessive about it... but possibly I just take it too seriously. It means something to me, when it's about characters I care about. I can't just... dip in without a whole lot of emotional baggage anymore. Sometimes it feels like I've got -too much- at stake emotionally, by now, to really enjoy H/D stuff on some sort of balanced, "normal" level, I dunno. I know I take it too seriously. Like, it hurts my feelings if I think people are "using" images of them without really... caring about them, without knowing what they're really saying.

I was thinking, earlier, that maybe it's just that whole old-fandom-geezer thing setting in, where you can't take in new stuff very easily. Maybe I -have- become "jaded", except I'm -more- sensitive, not less. I've always been "porn for the masses!!1" so it's hypocritical to be all "but H/D is -speshul-" about it.

I'm not sure what to do. I still love coming across new things (even though I don't look actively, these days), but I've gotten so over-sensitive. I dunno. It's gotten to the point where they're so real to me, porn of them feels almost invasive. Isn't that insane? It is, isn't it. But it's not the sex, it's the attitude towards it. I feel like... the characters are more important than the acts, and I'm actually offended if they're used as kink-objects by people. I'm like... embarrassed for their sake, if I see people just... ogle them like sex-objects or whatever. I mean, I realize I have a problem, here, I really do.

It is at this point that people would say "I really need (another) hobby", which is why I've avoided H/D fandom, partly, while still loving to write and having the old thrill with fanfic/fanart (when I do see it). It's not (just) fun anymore, I guess, and. So most likely I'm not really coming all the way back, am I.

Comments

[trolleys.livejournal.com]

Ahaha, you linked my pic! *HIDES*

Heh, you know, several times you've used my artwork as examples of H/D stuff that irked you, which made me all :(( and "wahh why is she picking on me out of all the fanartists!!!11one" At the same time, I appreciate that you force me to analyze my own art and keep me on my toes, so to say. Making me aware of my fanon trangressions and all that. ;) Anyhoo, onto your point... When it comes down to it, I want H/D to retain its grit and complexity and everything else I love about the pairing, but reading one type of H/D for too long, no matter how good, would be suffocating. I love that one can seek fannish stuff that will visually or emotionally satisfy on an more immediate level (smut, AU, smut... smut) while still being devoted to their... roots, I guess? For example, I'm currently on a major smut kick and am lapping up nearly everything at pornish_pixies, but soon enough I'll be craving the sprawling plot-driven H/D. Variety is the spice, blah blah, et al. I see the pr0n as a fun, natural part of the kooky fandom experience rather than something invasive or degrading as long as I keep in mind the context in which it is presented and all that jive.

Just to throw in - What I admire about you, Reena, is that while your train of thought is... often difficult to catch in one take, you may love H/D in a way most fen (including me) do not. It's so rooted in them and not just an idea of them. I find your protectiveness rather comforting, even if I don't agree with everything you say. And yes, you do contradict yourself a lot - but it's on a totally conscious level, not mean-spiritedly hypocritical or anything, and I contradict myself all the time in my mind, except I rarely post my H/D thoughts out of fear of chasing my own tail. :>

[trolleys.livejournal.com]

Oh dear, I just received your comment on my pr0n! Had no idea. I need to hit the sack right now, but I shall reply tomorrow because liekwoah you wrote a novel. :D

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

waaahhh, I didn't mean to pick on youuuuu. It's not really... I mean, it's only a coincidence that it's you. It was an afterthought to link that, basically to give anyone any clue what sort of thing I was talking about. I was complaining about the fannish attitude in general, which bothers me in all fandoms, just in general, and also I was being touchy and stressed. I think the whole second time thing is a bit of a coincidence, though it's also because I actually seek out your journal even though I don't follow anyone at the moment, 'cause I don't have a tradition of commenting on your pics so I don't feel obligated so I can "just look", y'know? Yeah -.-

Anyway, I wasn't trying to be anti-porn or pro-meaningful-plotty-fic, y'know? I was more... saying that there's -always- meaning, for me. It's not something I can turn off, when it's H/D. It can never be just about the pretty pubic hair or whatever, to me. I feel a bit embarrassed, just seeing them as bodies, 'cause they're so... real to me. It's like, without emotion, it's a bit like checking out your best friends' bits without remembering it's your best friend. Checking out the bits is fine, I do it myself, but I usually remember the difference. Or something. It's an obscure and overly picky point :>

I wasn't attempting to like, police you or the fandom at large by any stretch of the imagination, though, y'know. That'd be rather ogre-ish of me. I get satisfied on an immediate level all the time-- 'cause, duuuude, I'm all for porn, H/D pr0n most especially-- I read it, write it, -crave- it. It's more... just the way I relate to it, rather than -what- it is that I'm relating to. Porn is 100% gr8, and your art in particular, but... I get uptight about the whole lowest-common-denominator thing, which isn't the same as porn, it's more the... thoughtlessness, the bodyfic/body-fanart phenomenon. Where they're just -bodies-, not people/characters. Just kink-objects.

Eh, I'm prolly not explaining very well, but then, this wasn't trying to be a thoughtful post, y'know. I was gonna delete it, I just had to take a bus home first ^^;

Anyway... yeah.
I'm glad you're okay with it, though, at least somewhat :> *coughs* :>

[trolleys.livejournal.com]

:-*

Of course I'm okay with it! I love reading everything you have to say about H/D... You put so many layers into your posts that it sometimes takes me several rereads to get the gist. And obviously, I pretty much missed the point here. *Shame face* Cuz you're so smart, man, and I'm kind of in awe and I'm always afraid to comment in your journal :p and I didn't mean to sound whiny about you commenting on my art; it was a harmless jab at a pattern I noticed in your journal, s'all. <3

Oh btw - this'll probably be my last post as 'duckpuppy'... in case you missed my personal drama, I had to jump ship and change my name to greeksong. You can defriend duckpuppy and add the new one if you want. I'll be friending you anyhow, hope you don't mind. ;)

~DP