(a funny hat!)

[reenka]

I wish I didn't always have to come up with some grandiose reason for why I don't like things, in stories anyway. It is kind of pompous, isn't it. But I don't know how to stop. Is there some sort of Metaholics Anonymous group out there or something?

If anything, the reason I don't like things is usually some sort of gut-level "ick" reaction, and then I go back and try to rationalize it and decide it must be because of -this-. And then all's right with the world 'cause I've figured out the source of my literary angst, which is just... sad.


Maybe I'm already too negative, so I feel it'd be too much if I just made fun of things outright... right? People's feelings might get hurt. This way, a large percentage don't know what I'm even talking about, so I'm in the clear. Usually, though, I'm saying something like, "god, such-and-such fic REALLY SUCKS ASS". Not that that matters in the grand scheme of things, of course. 90% of everything is crap (and I'm not excluding myself here), isn't that what they say? No reason to get worked up over it.

It just hit me when I was walking along, ranting in my head about how I hate DragonBall Z (which has the most music vids of any show I've seen), ahahah. I don't really hate it, but I certainly can work myself up. I barely saw one whole episode ever, but I just have this knee-jerk "omg, that animation style makes me -heave- AND I BLOODY HATE FIGHTING SHOWS" reaction. I'm like that with writing styles, too. I see three sentences and am ready to lynch someone, especially if I already have a negative impression of their writing. Mind you, I can easily change my mind if exposed to more material, but I'll yell bloody murder meanwhile. *sigh*

It's funny 'cause I'm supposedly such a "thinker", but I'm really ridiculously irrational. I suppose what I do is think irrationally, which disturbs me. 'Cause I just said I hate fighting shows, right? Well, my little mini-obsession right now is RahXephon (since yesterday), which is a mecha anime, with-- you guessed it-- lots of fighting. It's great and I love it. The animation's great, the music's great, the characterizations are given center stage, there's this cracked-up philosophy in the plot. So what I really wanted was a fighting show done -my- way, not "no fighting shows, EVER".

On the other hand, I'd say I love shoujo (girl's anime), right. But I really can't stand more than half the shoujo out there. I hate few things the way I hate Marmalade Boy (whoever said it's just like Hana Yori Dango has my undying resentment), and the magical-princess shows make me want to bite things. All this isn't good for my self-confidence, since I know better than anyone that all my little meta theories are built on quicksand.

Basically... don't trust me. I wear a funny hat.
    EDIT - That said, I do feel I might have some views I can make valid if I took the time to get past the lashing out and rationalizing stage. I truly do think, for instance, that way too many writers mistake the "angst" genre for the "pretentious morbidity" genre. Things can easily be "too dark", "too indulgent", even "too long". Yep, it's that whole baby vs. bathwater thing again -.-
    EDIT#2 - To make a long story short, I think I've been simmering in my own juices (so to speak) for too long. I'm too self-indulgent, I know this, and when I'm not challenged by others, I begin to think less critically than I otherwise would. Since I realize my own lack of intelligence at times and the presence of it in others, a strange little mind-state is born. Cue second reference to funny hats. There's something to be said for being forced to think (in some direction other than circles). I think, anyway.

I forget how much of a geek I am, too, and -allow- myself to be all touchy-feely to the point where I don't even care, I'm just foaming at the mouth all the time. It's like I'm constantly running on low power or something, my mind tricking me into thinking it's actually operating on some sort of permissible mental aptitude level. It's weird. I can probably blame the fact that I've consistently priviledged entertainment (not so mindless as some, but still) over learning. Learning is what would afford me some sort of greater ease at reasoning rather than rationalizing, I feel, but my endurance for conscious (vs. unconscious) rigor is just ridiculously low. That is to say, I'm horribly lazy.

Then again, I've never actually been very different. Always -wanted- to think better, but only did in little bursts. The frustrating thing is, I can see my own limitations, the way I -want- things that I never bother to pursue because of their imagined difficulty-- the sheer -bother- of it all. I don't like to be bothered. That is why I'm not a physicist, why I haven't written a novel, why I'm wasting time with anime rather than even writing fanfic. Whatever's easiest at any given time, generally, is what I do. It's really amazing my mind isn't pure -putty-, come to think of it. Resilience, that's all I can think of.

The idea that most people operate at a lower thinking intensity level than I is just laughable to me. Then again, I try not to think about "normal" people too much, just so I don't feel the strong desire to knock myself out with a jackhammer.

And this whole introspective jag is only part of the problem, probably, but they don't make "how not to navel-gaze and wear yourself out asking unanswerable questions" handbook either, do they?
~~

EDIT#3 - does this amuse me -way- too much? why yes, yes it does.

Comments

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Hmm... "too platonic of a character", huh. I think it depends how you wanna see it, since... well, this -is- a shoujo female, remember. There's this significant trend to make 'em blushing pink-slippered virgins. I mean, all I have to do is mention Card Captor Sakura (*shudder*) who got a romantic interest even though she looked about 5.

See, what Tohru is, is the ultimate "uke" (if she was male), except not -that- bad. In Japan, I think the dynamic you're talking about is different 'cause there's a certain attraction to sex-crazed boys/men semi-forcing their attentions on completely innocent, pure maidens. There's -much- more of a NCS kink than in Western stories-- or at least, Western stories from this century. I don't really see a trend (in shoujo, and especially not in shounen, but eh) where there's such a thing as "too pure and innocent and platonic".

I can't say with any real confidence what will happen, of course, but sometimes mangas take like, 20 volumes or more to get to the romance. I admit Furuba is more about friendship and family & all that, but it's aimed at a teenage girl age-group, see, so there -has- to be romance of some sort.

Plus I don't think Kyou idealizes Tohru the same way Yuki does. It's less... blind, I guess. But of course, I don't have any innate special regard for platonic love-- platonic friendship, yes, but not platonic love. It doesn't satisfy me as a reader because usually there's no solid reason "why not".

In terms of DV....
I don't think it'll end up H/D, probably, but... I don't think theyh'll end up with Hermione, either. It's really kind of unfair for me to talk about this 'cause I'm pretty biased. "Meant to be" isn't a concept I subscribe to as such, and yet I do believe they're in love and I believe sexual love isn't inferior to platonic love. And if they -were- meant to be, it's kind of an insult to the person they're with instead, to be with them, 'cause they could never give that person what they deserve.

It's kinda the way I wouldn't approve of a gay male marrying a girl, you know. Regardless of what actually happens in the story, I thinkwhat's -best- for any person would be to follow where their heart leads them.

Then again, like I said... re: DV, I'm should admit, I wrote like -2- tribute H/D fics, so ^^; .

[lestrange.livejournal.com]

well, this -is- a shoujo female, remember. There's this significant trend to make 'em blushing pink-slippered virgins.

This is 99.9% true, but...I think with Fruits Basket, it's going to be different, because--because it's Fruits Basket. This manga does originality like no other. So, yeah, I really believe that they're going to remain primarily platonic. Tohru's just too...kid-like and innocent, and OH I LOVE EVERYBODY--everyone's so KIND. I'd love to be proven wrong, though. :D

Uke? Like, blocking? Eh??

Heh. Yes, did notice that the Japanese have a thing for non-con and young kids and, oooh, talk about complexes. re: Tsukasa's sister complex.

Interesting. I always thought that Yuki and Kyou are equally blind when it comes to Tohru. And between the two, if I had to pick the one who understood Tohru more, wouldn't it make more sense to go with Yuki, since he is the mouse, known for his astuteness and shrewdness. (Like, he was the one who pointed out to the cow that just because others call him dumb doesn't mean that he actually *is*. It's his belief that makes him so.) Perception is clearly one of Yuki's traits, and Kyou, well, Kyou has a good heart, but he's more ruled by his emotions, so...it would make it harder for him to discern other people's personality, wouldn't it?

Anyway. At this point, I don't think either are really in love with her. I think they kind of just view her as someone special, someone who understands them, but that's about it. God, I wonder if she'll ever get to kiss either of 'em by the end of the manga. I mean like kiss-KISS. Not the flimsy peck-on-the-cheek-because-I-think-you're-sweet thing.

Back to DV, I have mixed feelings about who Harry and Draco will end up with. I mean, a small part of thinks maybe H/H, but, still, there's always going to be Draco, so I can't see how that'll work out. The bigger part of me thinks that neither will get together with Hermione, but they won't 'get together' with each other, either. They'll probably just end up wandering the globe side by side and fulfilling the promises they made to each other (like Draco showing Harry some places or new things, was it?), so they'll be together, but just not, y'know, in the 'going out' sense. More like lifelong friends who everyone else including me will view as lovers even though they're too blind to admit/see it. *g*

I read your HD fics from the DV-verse (hell, I've read everything you've written), but even though I like them, I can't--I can't see them as a part of the DV world, because everything's just too...spelled out, y'know? The subtlety of subtext is gone and all you get is the stripping of their emotions, heightened and over-sexualized. In a way, it does resolve some of the UST posed in DV, but...I dunno, it does it in too blunt of a manner, so I can't connect the characters to ones I see in DV.

That said, have I mentioned that I love everything that you write? *g* *shamelessly fangirls, since it's about time* No, really, am not just saying in the spur of the moment thing. Have loved your work since forever. I love the intensity and the angst and the desperate feel of all your HD fics. Lovelovelove. Just never really extrapolated on it, since, y'know, feedback = laziness. ^^; Especially fond of "Shallow" and "My Favorite Things"--reading the latter never fails to amuse me, because I'll keep thinking about how you said it's angst-free. I mean, the part where Draco's toes curl after inhaling Harry's scent from the pillow? AHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

Obviously you conception of fluff is the same as spare_change's.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

I think we just see Kyou rather differently. I'm very sensitive to him... maybe too sensitive. I think he's a pretty empathic and insightful (in his own way) character, with some serious barriers preventing him from really connecting to most people.

While you're right, Yuki -should- be able to understand Tohru, in reality I don't think they have a very strong conneciton. It's that sense of connection that makes me think Tohru & Kyou have something special, something different. Mind you, it's been something like two years since I saw it, but there was this tendency for them to see each other at their weakest (sick or upset or just vulnerable) and to kind to make each other act against their reflexes of lashing out (in Kyou's case) or sweeping things under the carpet (in Tohru's case).

There's a kind of rawness there that Yuki never quite exhibits in any situation, I think, that's what I'm saying. There are patches of it since the beginning, but it's most obvious in the forest scene in the last episode. Everything turns ugly and Tohru's not so kind and loving and brave and kind-- the masks are all off, and you get the feeling it's not that Tohru's being nice and kind, but that this spoken need for Kyou to come back has been ripped out of her. She's not just crying sympathetic tears, like with Akito-- she's -sobbing-. She's totally lost it. She doesn't do that with anyone else.

And that expression on her face, when he hugs her. It's not just sweet loving gentleness. She looks... she has this look of wonder, of something that's deeper than some general pleasure she usually shows. There's a -transcendence- there. And Kyou-- just looks like he's... I dunno... man. His VOICE. The way it cracks on her name. The way he just curls up in her arms, trusting her completely... and the way she looks, holding the cat, like she's found perfect contentment.

Don't tell me she'd look like that with Yuki or the others, 'cause she wouldn't. But dude, I'm a shipper ^^; And I admit I latch on to moments like that, in any story-- those broken raw moments of pure feeling. If that doesn't lead to romance, I think I'd say there was nothing there. Heh.

Also. Heheh, um... I didn't bring up my DV fics 'cause I think they're so "canon" or whatever, you know. I just meant that obviously I have a deep emotional stake in that Harry & Draco, which is I think mostly what the stories are good for showing. I'd never actually claim that they're in any way indicative of DV-canon reality, especially since I haven't even read all of DV canon at the time I wrote them.... Yeah, I started reading the Trilogy around chapter 10, I think. -.-

They were more for my own emotional catharsis, you know, at the time... 'cause I was so upset, I just -had- to write something, get it out. Which is why it's so melodramatic and over-intense, I guess-- 'cause that's what I was angsting over the lack of, partly. I wanted it all out in the open, so it was a bit like poking at an open wound. More... emotional impressionism than any realistic depiction, I think.

Heheh. Thanks. :D :D! I keep thinking I don't write enough angst, for some reason. Dunno why. The fluff, man. It's out there. It's out to -get me-, ahahah. *coughs*

[lestrange.livejournal.com]

I was rewatching HYD.

Am at episode 49.

*cries heart out*

Don't leaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave.

God, the nostalgia will KILL me every time.

Can make no other coherent comment. *criesmore*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Wah. Yeah, I remember that.
Wanted to show you this (http://www.animemusicvideos.org/members/members_videoinfo.php?v=10231) if you haven't seen it. It's the one decent HYD music vid I've found. Gets me all "wah" every time I see it~:)

[lestrange.livejournal.com]

Can...not...access.

Must wait two weeks.

Wah, indeed.


In the meanwhile: *longs, longs, pines*

[lestrange.livejournal.com]

PS -- Sorry for the late reply. *feels the need to explain* I, er, have a busy schedule and masochistic tendencies, so I tend to deprive myself of internet until late night, so, yeah, just so you know.

*stabs midterm*