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reenkaOkay, so there's this vid. `Prayer for the Dying', about Spike & his reasons for getting a soul, and. Omg, it's just doing a number on me. Every time I watch it, I cry. I think partly it's Rufus Wainwright and his singing ('Hallelujah'), which just drives me insane. Sometimes it seems too maudlin to me, but other times it just breaks me into tiny little pieces like nobody's business. I'm curious as to what reactions other people have to this vid, I guess.
This is the kind of thing that gets me-- this sort of hopelessness coupled with transcendence. I keep wondering why the "good guys" don't usually hit this spot inside me-- I just think I identify more with the painful need for something never quite reached and possibly never reachable. But Buffy & Angel aren't very reachable either, so it's not just that. It's all about the desire to go through with it anyway, I think. The desperation that's so overwhelming, common sense just flies out the window. I don't think I could ever forgive Angel for giving up on Buffy, you know.
It's like that quote by Blake: "Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained". And isn't that one of the central tragedies and joys of existence? Always craving the thing you can never have. Being love's bitch. Wanting to become someone you're not. Aspiring to things you know are doomed.
See... Angel didn't -want- his soul. Spike did-- and to me that makes a much more resonant story. Angel is all about refusing the things that he needs and wants in penance or fear-- Spike is all about clinging to them come hell or high water. And while I do think that this refusal and restraint is "romantic"-- is, in fact, one of the major touchstones of the "romantic hero"-- it's a different ideal of romanticism. More Apollonian than Dionysian, I would say. More in common with the Greek ideal and less so with the Pre-Raphaelites.
I'm still kind of upset 'cause I read somewhere that anyone who's really into Buffy/Spike-type love is emotionally immature because they don't realize that kind of thing can't last and is thus useless compared to "real", "permanent" companionship. It's like-- people who assume permanence and ease and trust are the adult things and thus the desireable things-- they make me insecure. They may be right, and it scares me. Passion dies-- but to me, that makes it beautiful-- because before it dies, it really -lives-.
That's partly why I can't think of how Harry&Draco "end up", and don't particularly enjoy "mature" relationship stories about them-- because, well... truth is, they probably end up breaking up after a year or less. Right? Well, in most universes. It's not inevitable by any means, and in fact I don't want to even consider it, but... that's how the cookie crumbles, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, just being realistic here.
Anyway. It just breaks me, thinking that Spike got a soul -for- Buffy, in a sort of hopeless desperate gamble-- and that he never seemed to regret it even though it didn't exactly pay off. It's like... we really live in those moments. Disconnected from the rest of our lives. Those moments... when the past peels away... and there's just pure emotion and nothing else. And Spike died happy, because he died in that transport of pure emotion; pure love. And then, there you have it. Death-- and endings-- and loss. They become painfully beautiful.
This is the kind of thing that gets me-- this sort of hopelessness coupled with transcendence. I keep wondering why the "good guys" don't usually hit this spot inside me-- I just think I identify more with the painful need for something never quite reached and possibly never reachable. But Buffy & Angel aren't very reachable either, so it's not just that. It's all about the desire to go through with it anyway, I think. The desperation that's so overwhelming, common sense just flies out the window. I don't think I could ever forgive Angel for giving up on Buffy, you know.
It's like that quote by Blake: "Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained". And isn't that one of the central tragedies and joys of existence? Always craving the thing you can never have. Being love's bitch. Wanting to become someone you're not. Aspiring to things you know are doomed.
See... Angel didn't -want- his soul. Spike did-- and to me that makes a much more resonant story. Angel is all about refusing the things that he needs and wants in penance or fear-- Spike is all about clinging to them come hell or high water. And while I do think that this refusal and restraint is "romantic"-- is, in fact, one of the major touchstones of the "romantic hero"-- it's a different ideal of romanticism. More Apollonian than Dionysian, I would say. More in common with the Greek ideal and less so with the Pre-Raphaelites.
I'm still kind of upset 'cause I read somewhere that anyone who's really into Buffy/Spike-type love is emotionally immature because they don't realize that kind of thing can't last and is thus useless compared to "real", "permanent" companionship. It's like-- people who assume permanence and ease and trust are the adult things and thus the desireable things-- they make me insecure. They may be right, and it scares me. Passion dies-- but to me, that makes it beautiful-- because before it dies, it really -lives-.
That's partly why I can't think of how Harry&Draco "end up", and don't particularly enjoy "mature" relationship stories about them-- because, well... truth is, they probably end up breaking up after a year or less. Right? Well, in most universes. It's not inevitable by any means, and in fact I don't want to even consider it, but... that's how the cookie crumbles, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, just being realistic here.
Anyway. It just breaks me, thinking that Spike got a soul -for- Buffy, in a sort of hopeless desperate gamble-- and that he never seemed to regret it even though it didn't exactly pay off. It's like... we really live in those moments. Disconnected from the rest of our lives. Those moments... when the past peels away... and there's just pure emotion and nothing else. And Spike died happy, because he died in that transport of pure emotion; pure love. And then, there you have it. Death-- and endings-- and loss. They become painfully beautiful.
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no subject
Date: 2004-01-25 01:51 am (UTC)It's because it was semi-fluffy, wasn't it :>
Well... I know what you're saying. I mean, I'm very easy-- gimme them looking at each other meaningfully in any context and I'm there. Actually... well... I ship them because of `Once More With Feeling' & 'Crashed'. I probably would have during Season 5 if I'd -watched- Season 5 that much. I remember seeing the marriage episode ages ago and immediately shipping them, and duuuude, I barely knew anything about them back then. I mean, put Spike & Buffy on the screen (apparently) and poof! I ship!
They've just got this. Chemistry. And they still had that, didn't they? The looks they give each other... they still did that. And okay, it was kind of pathetic and sad in a whole new way, and I actually didn't enjoy S7 much at all (which isn't to say I hated it, I just didn't like it/love it, really)... but.... I do think that Buffy was bound to crack sometime. A part of me is just happy 'cause they gave us clips to use out of context, like the holding-each-other scene and the wiping-his-blood scene and the -holding-his-fist and the cutting-him-free-from-his-bonds and the holding-hands-while-on-fire. I think this is Reena's Brain on Spuffy drugs. Mmmm, happy place :>
no subject
Date: 2004-01-25 01:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-25 02:14 am (UTC)Still, didn't he have some powerful moments, anyway? Like... truly breaking-down-and-losing-it moments? I think I have really selective memory sometimes :> But I know what you mean. I just kind of... give lee-way, I guess.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-25 02:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-25 02:25 am (UTC)So you're saying it's anti-Spike, then~:)) I think I'm pretty open to pathetic whiny losers 'cause I'm pro-canon!Draco, y'know? Ahahahah. I mean, it has to get preeeetttyyy bad before I'm like, "no! You loserish fiend! Away from me!!"
I mean, I adore Andrew. That should tell you everything~:)) Though I do have my limits, as my exes could testify. At some point I snap and can't take the whining no mo'. Heh.
Still. I feel Spike did transcend the whining in the last ep. "Chosen" was pretty good, wasn't it? Wasn't it? *wheeeeedles* Selective memory is your friend~:)
no subject
Date: 2004-01-25 02:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-25 02:32 am (UTC)I think as an episode, it was written pretty well and had good acting and then there was the last bit, which made me all "!!!!". But... if you're looking for some sort of... specific finale to the overall arc... I can see how it would be disappointing. Although,
Me, I just like the very end, eheheh. I am easy, this is basically what it is~:)
no subject
Date: 2004-01-25 02:44 am (UTC)Sadly, it wasn't.