![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaOkay, so there's this vid. `Prayer for the Dying', about Spike & his reasons for getting a soul, and. Omg, it's just doing a number on me. Every time I watch it, I cry. I think partly it's Rufus Wainwright and his singing ('Hallelujah'), which just drives me insane. Sometimes it seems too maudlin to me, but other times it just breaks me into tiny little pieces like nobody's business. I'm curious as to what reactions other people have to this vid, I guess.
This is the kind of thing that gets me-- this sort of hopelessness coupled with transcendence. I keep wondering why the "good guys" don't usually hit this spot inside me-- I just think I identify more with the painful need for something never quite reached and possibly never reachable. But Buffy & Angel aren't very reachable either, so it's not just that. It's all about the desire to go through with it anyway, I think. The desperation that's so overwhelming, common sense just flies out the window. I don't think I could ever forgive Angel for giving up on Buffy, you know.
It's like that quote by Blake: "Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained". And isn't that one of the central tragedies and joys of existence? Always craving the thing you can never have. Being love's bitch. Wanting to become someone you're not. Aspiring to things you know are doomed.
See... Angel didn't -want- his soul. Spike did-- and to me that makes a much more resonant story. Angel is all about refusing the things that he needs and wants in penance or fear-- Spike is all about clinging to them come hell or high water. And while I do think that this refusal and restraint is "romantic"-- is, in fact, one of the major touchstones of the "romantic hero"-- it's a different ideal of romanticism. More Apollonian than Dionysian, I would say. More in common with the Greek ideal and less so with the Pre-Raphaelites.
I'm still kind of upset 'cause I read somewhere that anyone who's really into Buffy/Spike-type love is emotionally immature because they don't realize that kind of thing can't last and is thus useless compared to "real", "permanent" companionship. It's like-- people who assume permanence and ease and trust are the adult things and thus the desireable things-- they make me insecure. They may be right, and it scares me. Passion dies-- but to me, that makes it beautiful-- because before it dies, it really -lives-.
That's partly why I can't think of how Harry&Draco "end up", and don't particularly enjoy "mature" relationship stories about them-- because, well... truth is, they probably end up breaking up after a year or less. Right? Well, in most universes. It's not inevitable by any means, and in fact I don't want to even consider it, but... that's how the cookie crumbles, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, just being realistic here.
Anyway. It just breaks me, thinking that Spike got a soul -for- Buffy, in a sort of hopeless desperate gamble-- and that he never seemed to regret it even though it didn't exactly pay off. It's like... we really live in those moments. Disconnected from the rest of our lives. Those moments... when the past peels away... and there's just pure emotion and nothing else. And Spike died happy, because he died in that transport of pure emotion; pure love. And then, there you have it. Death-- and endings-- and loss. They become painfully beautiful.
This is the kind of thing that gets me-- this sort of hopelessness coupled with transcendence. I keep wondering why the "good guys" don't usually hit this spot inside me-- I just think I identify more with the painful need for something never quite reached and possibly never reachable. But Buffy & Angel aren't very reachable either, so it's not just that. It's all about the desire to go through with it anyway, I think. The desperation that's so overwhelming, common sense just flies out the window. I don't think I could ever forgive Angel for giving up on Buffy, you know.
It's like that quote by Blake: "Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained". And isn't that one of the central tragedies and joys of existence? Always craving the thing you can never have. Being love's bitch. Wanting to become someone you're not. Aspiring to things you know are doomed.
See... Angel didn't -want- his soul. Spike did-- and to me that makes a much more resonant story. Angel is all about refusing the things that he needs and wants in penance or fear-- Spike is all about clinging to them come hell or high water. And while I do think that this refusal and restraint is "romantic"-- is, in fact, one of the major touchstones of the "romantic hero"-- it's a different ideal of romanticism. More Apollonian than Dionysian, I would say. More in common with the Greek ideal and less so with the Pre-Raphaelites.
I'm still kind of upset 'cause I read somewhere that anyone who's really into Buffy/Spike-type love is emotionally immature because they don't realize that kind of thing can't last and is thus useless compared to "real", "permanent" companionship. It's like-- people who assume permanence and ease and trust are the adult things and thus the desireable things-- they make me insecure. They may be right, and it scares me. Passion dies-- but to me, that makes it beautiful-- because before it dies, it really -lives-.
That's partly why I can't think of how Harry&Draco "end up", and don't particularly enjoy "mature" relationship stories about them-- because, well... truth is, they probably end up breaking up after a year or less. Right? Well, in most universes. It's not inevitable by any means, and in fact I don't want to even consider it, but... that's how the cookie crumbles, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, just being realistic here.
Anyway. It just breaks me, thinking that Spike got a soul -for- Buffy, in a sort of hopeless desperate gamble-- and that he never seemed to regret it even though it didn't exactly pay off. It's like... we really live in those moments. Disconnected from the rest of our lives. Those moments... when the past peels away... and there's just pure emotion and nothing else. And Spike died happy, because he died in that transport of pure emotion; pure love. And then, there you have it. Death-- and endings-- and loss. They become painfully beautiful.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-01-24 10:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-25 02:50 am (UTC)[I hope you don't mind me butting in here. I normally just read your fic quietly and don't say anything.]
no subject
Date: 2004-01-25 02:59 am (UTC)The lyrics knock me dead. Just. Again and again. Wah.
And, dude! Who ever -minds- getting comments, anyway? More, I say! More! :>