~~ sugar & spice & everything...
Feb. 20th, 2004 03:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaThe truth is, I think analyzing literature is really a lot more like navel-gazing than talking about one's day. I mean, one is chronicling one's day-- possibly entertaining to others and yet not too self-centered-- while the other is chronicling one's most meandering thoughts. Which is a bit like talking about one's dreams, especially with me. One gets the feeling that it doesn't actually -matter- in any larger scheme of things, and by "larger", I mean, larger than my skull.
I've always wanted to keep a writer's journal. That's what I really want. Pieces of what has snagged my attention, bits of random information, mementos and reminders and random observations. My life has always been processed, like, you know, American cheese. I am not "out there", in your face; there's no Reena Lite. It's always... what I think about this-and-that, rather than some simulation of raw product. What this-and-that reminds me of. How this-and-that relates to so-and-so. Most writers I know on lj don't actually talk about writing, one way or the other, 24/7, and I think in a way I'm puzzled by that. Where does the passion reside for you?
I just talk about my (mental) kinks all the time. That's what I do. Seriously. heh. Yeah, it's pitiful, I know.
I was thinking how my biggest kink, in terms of characters, is when someone (generally a boy) is deceptive. That is, he has a mask-- a wall behind which there are all sorts of hidden depths of passion and pain and just-- Issues (with a capital "I"). Two-faced individuals are probably a dime-a-dozen, but I never grow tired of them. I think there are dark sides to every person, usually more than one hidden side, etc-- but it's just more dramatic when the more visible self is particularly... offensive somehow. Maybe it's violent, maybe it's cold & unemotional, maybe it's mean, maybe it's happy-go-lucky to the point of insanity. Whatever it is... it's too much (or too little).
And of course, the corresponding kink is that there's someone-- some one Special Person-- who'll destroy that illusion, break through just by being who they are. I don't even mean romance here-- I just mean, I love to see this dynamic more than I love any other type of human dynamic that exists. I'm pretty perverse, I think, in this. As perverse as someone who wants to see up people's skirts or catch people going at it in public. It's like... the act of reading is the ultimate voyeurism, to me, and my preference in characters steps that up in intensity even more. I want to see people crack. I want to see walls crumble. I want to see the raw beating secret heart of people who'd -die- before they let that happen. I want to see what makes people tick when they've lost all control or semblance of order within themselves. Pure chaos.
This applies, in one way or another, to every character I really love, but I was thinking particularly of Heero (Gundam Wing). He's like, a reeeally simple example because his "surface" persona is almost null. He's got this stone-cold-blank facade, right, and one senses that he's a boiling raging vulcano of emotion inside. You also get the sense that if he -does- crack, he'll be really dangerous and destroy either himself or lots of innocent civilians. This just makes me want it more. *sigh* Oh yeah. It just doesn't -get- more perverse, not to me :D
I realize this is a pretty popular device, and that I'm a bit of a sucker to go for it so much. Never let it be said that I'm not a huge sucker, however. Hell, I might as well have "sucker" tattooed on my forehead. But anyway... its popularity is probably why fanon!Draco exists. Canon!Draco is offensive, therefore it's only reasonable to give him a "sekrit" self. The only problem I see with this is that most people don't bother to actually keep up the duality. They cut out the middleman too often, going straight to the "real" Draco, who doesn't really resemble canon by necessity. People who write him seem to either get lazy or forget that people are generally pretty tough to crack. This is probably why a number of them resort to extreme angst and abuse storylines. People are remarkably adept at keeping up the status quo, really, which is what makes it fun, of course.
Maybe the reason I like offensive characters is 'cause... well... if you're "nice", then there's nothing to break-- you'll just... bend, 'cause there just isn't that resistance there, that brittleness that internal conflict gives you. Semi-well-adjusted people are... "nice"... but ultimately more static than I like 'em. However, they make great foils for really screwed up & torn characters, especially if their kindness and/or normality provides the push the other one needs to crack. It's great how simple kindness (and, of course, love) drives people out of their minds, isn't it?? Ahahah I love it, anyway.
(Picture me cackling madly, right about here).
The scary thing is, I'm like this about real people, too, though it's hard to get as much opportunity to watch people be vulnerable. And if I care about them, it's not really as fun, y'know? I mean, it hurts me. Whereas in fiction, all is well. People get tortured and I hurt, but not -really-. Not like I would if this was -really- my friend. So I'm guilt-free and they break into pieces and everything is great.
I used to think that I just liked the process of putting people back together; wanted to be a psychologist, even. Maybe I still do. But I have to admit that there's definitely a flip-side to it. I definitely like to see how (fictional) people fall apart, too.
I can only imagine what you guys must be thinking right now. Like, "okay, well, must make mental note to stay further away from Reena than originally planned". Heh.
I'm harmless, really. Especially after I've had my brain-candy fix, anyway :>
I've always wanted to keep a writer's journal. That's what I really want. Pieces of what has snagged my attention, bits of random information, mementos and reminders and random observations. My life has always been processed, like, you know, American cheese. I am not "out there", in your face; there's no Reena Lite. It's always... what I think about this-and-that, rather than some simulation of raw product. What this-and-that reminds me of. How this-and-that relates to so-and-so. Most writers I know on lj don't actually talk about writing, one way or the other, 24/7, and I think in a way I'm puzzled by that. Where does the passion reside for you?
I just talk about my (mental) kinks all the time. That's what I do. Seriously. heh. Yeah, it's pitiful, I know.
I was thinking how my biggest kink, in terms of characters, is when someone (generally a boy) is deceptive. That is, he has a mask-- a wall behind which there are all sorts of hidden depths of passion and pain and just-- Issues (with a capital "I"). Two-faced individuals are probably a dime-a-dozen, but I never grow tired of them. I think there are dark sides to every person, usually more than one hidden side, etc-- but it's just more dramatic when the more visible self is particularly... offensive somehow. Maybe it's violent, maybe it's cold & unemotional, maybe it's mean, maybe it's happy-go-lucky to the point of insanity. Whatever it is... it's too much (or too little).
And of course, the corresponding kink is that there's someone-- some one Special Person-- who'll destroy that illusion, break through just by being who they are. I don't even mean romance here-- I just mean, I love to see this dynamic more than I love any other type of human dynamic that exists. I'm pretty perverse, I think, in this. As perverse as someone who wants to see up people's skirts or catch people going at it in public. It's like... the act of reading is the ultimate voyeurism, to me, and my preference in characters steps that up in intensity even more. I want to see people crack. I want to see walls crumble. I want to see the raw beating secret heart of people who'd -die- before they let that happen. I want to see what makes people tick when they've lost all control or semblance of order within themselves. Pure chaos.
This applies, in one way or another, to every character I really love, but I was thinking particularly of Heero (Gundam Wing). He's like, a reeeally simple example because his "surface" persona is almost null. He's got this stone-cold-blank facade, right, and one senses that he's a boiling raging vulcano of emotion inside. You also get the sense that if he -does- crack, he'll be really dangerous and destroy either himself or lots of innocent civilians. This just makes me want it more. *sigh* Oh yeah. It just doesn't -get- more perverse, not to me :D
I realize this is a pretty popular device, and that I'm a bit of a sucker to go for it so much. Never let it be said that I'm not a huge sucker, however. Hell, I might as well have "sucker" tattooed on my forehead. But anyway... its popularity is probably why fanon!Draco exists. Canon!Draco is offensive, therefore it's only reasonable to give him a "sekrit" self. The only problem I see with this is that most people don't bother to actually keep up the duality. They cut out the middleman too often, going straight to the "real" Draco, who doesn't really resemble canon by necessity. People who write him seem to either get lazy or forget that people are generally pretty tough to crack. This is probably why a number of them resort to extreme angst and abuse storylines. People are remarkably adept at keeping up the status quo, really, which is what makes it fun, of course.
Maybe the reason I like offensive characters is 'cause... well... if you're "nice", then there's nothing to break-- you'll just... bend, 'cause there just isn't that resistance there, that brittleness that internal conflict gives you. Semi-well-adjusted people are... "nice"... but ultimately more static than I like 'em. However, they make great foils for really screwed up & torn characters, especially if their kindness and/or normality provides the push the other one needs to crack. It's great how simple kindness (and, of course, love) drives people out of their minds, isn't it?? Ahahah I love it, anyway.
(Picture me cackling madly, right about here).
The scary thing is, I'm like this about real people, too, though it's hard to get as much opportunity to watch people be vulnerable. And if I care about them, it's not really as fun, y'know? I mean, it hurts me. Whereas in fiction, all is well. People get tortured and I hurt, but not -really-. Not like I would if this was -really- my friend. So I'm guilt-free and they break into pieces and everything is great.
I used to think that I just liked the process of putting people back together; wanted to be a psychologist, even. Maybe I still do. But I have to admit that there's definitely a flip-side to it. I definitely like to see how (fictional) people fall apart, too.
I can only imagine what you guys must be thinking right now. Like, "okay, well, must make mental note to stay further away from Reena than originally planned". Heh.
I'm harmless, really. Especially after I've had my brain-candy fix, anyway :>
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Re:
Date: 2004-02-20 01:35 pm (UTC)Oh yeah--it doesn't. I was more thinking that an abuse scenario sort of hints at things the character (Draco) might feel, that he's powerless and the world isn't fair and he's an innocent victim. Those fics make him *hurt*, iow, rather than making him thoughtful and noble. But the trouble with those fics is, of course, that they tend to reduce the problem down to his having to show someone on the doll where the bad man touched him or whatever, and then he's all better. Or it just becomes physical abuse and ignores the real issues there. (With Frodo I think the author makes him long for the traditional family he doesn't want in canon, so it's pretty wrong.)
Having Draco go "okay, Voldemort = bad & Mudbloods = good" is just... funny to me
Yeah, cause even if he did..what does that say about him? Harry currently feels that way, but it's because of all the bad associations he has with V and good associations with Mudbloods etc. Neither H or D are characters who analyze their feelings and make considered choices. They more act and react out of instinct. Voldemort symbolizes all those people and things Harry hates and Muggleborns are good by default. If he wasn't thrust into this battle he would barely think about Purebloods vs. Muggleborns because he'd probably see no difference. For Draco it's probably more realistic to have him instinctively change his mind, like in response to V killing Lucius.
But I think his strength is in his emotions rather than his wit or intellect or beauty. A lot of people (writers) don't see fear and rage as leading to strength though, I'm guessing, but I just see strong emotion as a source of power.
I do for this character SO MUCH, and that's odd for me because I'm not usually emotional myself. In fact in my own life I probably see emotions as more of a weakness than a strength--like Snape says Harry's emotions are in their lessons. We've seen both Harry and Draco get screwed when their emotions lead them to do dumb things, but sometimes it seems like the difference is that Draco is more committed pr familiar with his. Like Harry's tend to blindside him while Draco just lives with the monkey on his back. That, I think, is maybe the only small way in which I feel like canon Draco could be a match for Harry--and I sort of like that idea, that Harry has so dismissed Draco for so many good reasons but at heart there really *is* something that "Malfoy knows" that Harry doesn't know or want to know.
Maybe it's just that I associate him so much with failure and rejection and being nothing. It sort of goes back to my obsession with the robe shop scene and how it's significant that Dudley is primarily *soft* because he's so spoiled and overindulged, like a rotten pumpkin. Even when he loses weight he's a big fat D, cowering, intimidating because of his size but still just a big lump. (Crabbe and Goyle often seem like lumps as well.) But Draco is pale and pointy-sharp and small and pinched--weak against opponents but able to take a beating. There just seems to be a toughness in that. And Harry has his own toughness but in a different way--He gets all paranoid about everyone loved ones, whereas Draco is almost dog-like in his commitment to his chosen person. Maybe Draco's just stupid for not questioning the motives of the people he is tying himself too, but perhaps it's also sometimes wrong to base your feelings on someone's being on your side. I don't know. I tend to do the latter all the way, myself.
I think in my weird way I feel like there's some weird dignity in Draco owning his self-destructive love of his family and his father, even though all the signs point to that love not being returned in a healthy way. I think it's something that he'd be better without, but still he's sometimes a dark version of that line I loved in Adaptation: You are what you love, not what loves you. It seems somehow fitting for him because he keeps insisting he is what he isn't, like that he's a match for Potter (a whole other meaning for "You are what you love, not what loves you...").
no subject
Date: 2004-02-20 02:29 pm (UTC)I was saying earlier that it's hard for me to see Draco as -loving- Harry, and I suppose I still think that, but I think what I was forgetting was the -admiration- aspect of love. Without this basic admiration, I think it falls apart, but if he -did- admire Harry, then a lot of options are suddenly open, aren't they? It's like... Harry wouldn't need to return this love, then, because Draco would... I dunno... be content to love from afar, and that could be the key to actually -getting- Harry, come to think of it. It's like, the problem with that is, that Draco -wants- Harry, wants to possess him, wants to overcome him, so it's difficult to imagine him switching tacks. And yet if he -did-... if he did... everything would change, wouldn't it.
I think that bit about not being who loves you is rather appropriate to parent-child stories and psychology in general, y'know, because lots of parents angst about how their child hasn't been what they'd raised him to be, as if their love should've molded the child somehow in their image. But that doesn't work at all, even though children love their parents right back... they also have this instinctive urge to break away, to be separate. I think there's hope for Draco if only because people who write him as Lucius' shadow forget that -everyone- goes through a rebellious stage, my god. Yes, I have deep issues with the Draco-is-ebil people, even though it's not like they're up in my face, necessarily. Still. It's like. They're WRONG, heheh.
I like the idea of single-minded-love!Draco vs. dispersed-love!Harry. Harry, though, doesn't seem very... close to anyone, really. It's like... he's a lot more closed off than Draco is... so he has friends but no one that really means -that- much to him, so much that this one person's opinion & self would overwhelm him. In a way, that makes sense, 'cause if JKR wrote that, Harry would be way too influenced and it wouldn't be his story as much anymore. So, I mean... she even gave Harry Imperius-resistance to underline just how much he's not under anyone's control. But love itself is a form of control just as it's freedom, and I think in the end JKR will deal with that, will deal with Harry's emotions and attachments 'cause I think they truly are the key (to winning against Voldemort/darkness).
So... maybe Draco has -that- to teach Harry (well, not in canon, but). Just this sort of ability to follow his emotions, which Harry has been stoppered with. Hmmm.
I think it's really all about emotional ties rather than moral ties, primarily as a driving force. Morality is nothing without emotional backing, anyway. It's empty & forced. I think true goodness is choosing what's right on an instinctual level, because anything you have to think out is going to be... polluted, especially if you've lived a life where you've been lied to by people about moral issues. And I definitely think strong emotion can be a weakness, but I think it's both the greatest source of weakness/failure -and- of strength. Contrary to Voldemort, Tom Riddle's greatest weakness has always been his neediness, his lashing out against a world that didn't love him. What transmutes weakness into strength, I think, is just-- conviction.
Re:
Date: 2004-02-20 09:01 pm (UTC)::sigh:: Isn't it nice to think so??:-)
Obviously he'd have a ways to go, but I do think the raw materials are there to make it work. At 15 he's still "my father this and that," so sometimes I honestly don't think Draco would know what to do with a Harry he possessed. It's weird because a lot of people see their first two scenes as Draco trying to get Harry to follow him, but to me he still always seems so eager to make the right impression. And I think he does have a lot of experience loving from afar in his weird familial way, exulting over his dad sending him newspaper clippings and showing everybody that his mom sent candy.
But love itself is a form of control just as it's freedom, and I think in the end JKR will deal with that, will deal with Harry's emotions and attachments 'cause I think they truly are the key (to winning against Voldemort/darkness).
Yes, exactly--and while I have a hard time believing JKR would give Draco the honor of this task, he seems to have some unique experience in loving a parent that's distant and not so nice. Right now he's probably just a symbol of "don't let this happen to you," like Harry's reaction to James proves he's a good person whild Draco's devotion to Lucius shows he isn't, but then Harry doesn't actually know James as anything but a symbol. He has every reason to hate the James in the penseive because it hurts "his" James that's lived in his fantasies for so long.
that while people give Draco wit & beauty, almost no one gives him kindness, and yet I think that's actually more likely. Lots of selfish mean-spirited people are also kind in the right situations, and that can be drawn out, nurtured by the influence of someone they love who inspires that.
I so agree! And the funny thing is that kindness is what would probably really give him both wit and beauty, because it's the desire to hurt that makes him ugly and nasty. This also fits with Draco's sort of animal-like attachments, I feel. Like he's very simple when it comes to relationships, it seems. He doesn't have complex ones. Unfortunately most of them are pretty empty, but I still think he's capable of some simple impulses towards people he likes. I personally think his support of Snape for Headmaster is such an impulse.
Also, maybe I feel like this goes back to the whole facade thing. Everything about his outer personality, imo, is chosen to be anti-kindness. It seems like overcompensation to me, like this is what he's trying to hide. This isn't really surprising given that Lucius is his father. I suspect he was raised to think kindness was for suckers.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-20 10:07 pm (UTC)And I mean... it would be much more meaningful, wouldn't it, in the end, dealing with something selfless like that inside you rather than something like sexual love which you'd think Draco would have an easier time accepting, if only it wasn't for Potter. I mean... mayb ethe kindness could be-- you know-- his -own-, and the spell could unlock it or something. And maybe the curse would say that he'd have to get a person to whom he means less than nothing to do something selfless and kind for him by the end of a year or he'll... uh... never be able to love.
I dunno if all this counts as cheap-plot-device-to-get-them-together or not, 'cause you know I can't stand the idea of those. But at least it's an angle I haven't seen before :>
So blah-blah by the end of the year Harry saves his life and they have something real to base a friendship (or whatever else) on, and Harry has learned a lesson too, of course. And Draco, at the very end of the fic, realizes that his heart has opened to love, and he chooses to not try and "get" Potter immediately, but rather... um... decides to keep it secret because that way Potter couldn't reject him again yet he'd still have him in some capacity, and he could offer to help him.
Optionally... you could have Harry make the move, y'know. Or at the end, he could just notice that he's attracted or something and you could leave it ambiguous. Hee. Anyway. Yeah. *laughs*
But I definitely see that about the overcompensation bit, though... I doubt he's aware of it like most writers make him out to be~:)