~~ sugar & spice & everything...
Feb. 20th, 2004 03:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaThe truth is, I think analyzing literature is really a lot more like navel-gazing than talking about one's day. I mean, one is chronicling one's day-- possibly entertaining to others and yet not too self-centered-- while the other is chronicling one's most meandering thoughts. Which is a bit like talking about one's dreams, especially with me. One gets the feeling that it doesn't actually -matter- in any larger scheme of things, and by "larger", I mean, larger than my skull.
I've always wanted to keep a writer's journal. That's what I really want. Pieces of what has snagged my attention, bits of random information, mementos and reminders and random observations. My life has always been processed, like, you know, American cheese. I am not "out there", in your face; there's no Reena Lite. It's always... what I think about this-and-that, rather than some simulation of raw product. What this-and-that reminds me of. How this-and-that relates to so-and-so. Most writers I know on lj don't actually talk about writing, one way or the other, 24/7, and I think in a way I'm puzzled by that. Where does the passion reside for you?
I just talk about my (mental) kinks all the time. That's what I do. Seriously. heh. Yeah, it's pitiful, I know.
I was thinking how my biggest kink, in terms of characters, is when someone (generally a boy) is deceptive. That is, he has a mask-- a wall behind which there are all sorts of hidden depths of passion and pain and just-- Issues (with a capital "I"). Two-faced individuals are probably a dime-a-dozen, but I never grow tired of them. I think there are dark sides to every person, usually more than one hidden side, etc-- but it's just more dramatic when the more visible self is particularly... offensive somehow. Maybe it's violent, maybe it's cold & unemotional, maybe it's mean, maybe it's happy-go-lucky to the point of insanity. Whatever it is... it's too much (or too little).
And of course, the corresponding kink is that there's someone-- some one Special Person-- who'll destroy that illusion, break through just by being who they are. I don't even mean romance here-- I just mean, I love to see this dynamic more than I love any other type of human dynamic that exists. I'm pretty perverse, I think, in this. As perverse as someone who wants to see up people's skirts or catch people going at it in public. It's like... the act of reading is the ultimate voyeurism, to me, and my preference in characters steps that up in intensity even more. I want to see people crack. I want to see walls crumble. I want to see the raw beating secret heart of people who'd -die- before they let that happen. I want to see what makes people tick when they've lost all control or semblance of order within themselves. Pure chaos.
This applies, in one way or another, to every character I really love, but I was thinking particularly of Heero (Gundam Wing). He's like, a reeeally simple example because his "surface" persona is almost null. He's got this stone-cold-blank facade, right, and one senses that he's a boiling raging vulcano of emotion inside. You also get the sense that if he -does- crack, he'll be really dangerous and destroy either himself or lots of innocent civilians. This just makes me want it more. *sigh* Oh yeah. It just doesn't -get- more perverse, not to me :D
I realize this is a pretty popular device, and that I'm a bit of a sucker to go for it so much. Never let it be said that I'm not a huge sucker, however. Hell, I might as well have "sucker" tattooed on my forehead. But anyway... its popularity is probably why fanon!Draco exists. Canon!Draco is offensive, therefore it's only reasonable to give him a "sekrit" self. The only problem I see with this is that most people don't bother to actually keep up the duality. They cut out the middleman too often, going straight to the "real" Draco, who doesn't really resemble canon by necessity. People who write him seem to either get lazy or forget that people are generally pretty tough to crack. This is probably why a number of them resort to extreme angst and abuse storylines. People are remarkably adept at keeping up the status quo, really, which is what makes it fun, of course.
Maybe the reason I like offensive characters is 'cause... well... if you're "nice", then there's nothing to break-- you'll just... bend, 'cause there just isn't that resistance there, that brittleness that internal conflict gives you. Semi-well-adjusted people are... "nice"... but ultimately more static than I like 'em. However, they make great foils for really screwed up & torn characters, especially if their kindness and/or normality provides the push the other one needs to crack. It's great how simple kindness (and, of course, love) drives people out of their minds, isn't it?? Ahahah I love it, anyway.
(Picture me cackling madly, right about here).
The scary thing is, I'm like this about real people, too, though it's hard to get as much opportunity to watch people be vulnerable. And if I care about them, it's not really as fun, y'know? I mean, it hurts me. Whereas in fiction, all is well. People get tortured and I hurt, but not -really-. Not like I would if this was -really- my friend. So I'm guilt-free and they break into pieces and everything is great.
I used to think that I just liked the process of putting people back together; wanted to be a psychologist, even. Maybe I still do. But I have to admit that there's definitely a flip-side to it. I definitely like to see how (fictional) people fall apart, too.
I can only imagine what you guys must be thinking right now. Like, "okay, well, must make mental note to stay further away from Reena than originally planned". Heh.
I'm harmless, really. Especially after I've had my brain-candy fix, anyway :>
I've always wanted to keep a writer's journal. That's what I really want. Pieces of what has snagged my attention, bits of random information, mementos and reminders and random observations. My life has always been processed, like, you know, American cheese. I am not "out there", in your face; there's no Reena Lite. It's always... what I think about this-and-that, rather than some simulation of raw product. What this-and-that reminds me of. How this-and-that relates to so-and-so. Most writers I know on lj don't actually talk about writing, one way or the other, 24/7, and I think in a way I'm puzzled by that. Where does the passion reside for you?
I just talk about my (mental) kinks all the time. That's what I do. Seriously. heh. Yeah, it's pitiful, I know.
I was thinking how my biggest kink, in terms of characters, is when someone (generally a boy) is deceptive. That is, he has a mask-- a wall behind which there are all sorts of hidden depths of passion and pain and just-- Issues (with a capital "I"). Two-faced individuals are probably a dime-a-dozen, but I never grow tired of them. I think there are dark sides to every person, usually more than one hidden side, etc-- but it's just more dramatic when the more visible self is particularly... offensive somehow. Maybe it's violent, maybe it's cold & unemotional, maybe it's mean, maybe it's happy-go-lucky to the point of insanity. Whatever it is... it's too much (or too little).
And of course, the corresponding kink is that there's someone-- some one Special Person-- who'll destroy that illusion, break through just by being who they are. I don't even mean romance here-- I just mean, I love to see this dynamic more than I love any other type of human dynamic that exists. I'm pretty perverse, I think, in this. As perverse as someone who wants to see up people's skirts or catch people going at it in public. It's like... the act of reading is the ultimate voyeurism, to me, and my preference in characters steps that up in intensity even more. I want to see people crack. I want to see walls crumble. I want to see the raw beating secret heart of people who'd -die- before they let that happen. I want to see what makes people tick when they've lost all control or semblance of order within themselves. Pure chaos.
This applies, in one way or another, to every character I really love, but I was thinking particularly of Heero (Gundam Wing). He's like, a reeeally simple example because his "surface" persona is almost null. He's got this stone-cold-blank facade, right, and one senses that he's a boiling raging vulcano of emotion inside. You also get the sense that if he -does- crack, he'll be really dangerous and destroy either himself or lots of innocent civilians. This just makes me want it more. *sigh* Oh yeah. It just doesn't -get- more perverse, not to me :D
I realize this is a pretty popular device, and that I'm a bit of a sucker to go for it so much. Never let it be said that I'm not a huge sucker, however. Hell, I might as well have "sucker" tattooed on my forehead. But anyway... its popularity is probably why fanon!Draco exists. Canon!Draco is offensive, therefore it's only reasonable to give him a "sekrit" self. The only problem I see with this is that most people don't bother to actually keep up the duality. They cut out the middleman too often, going straight to the "real" Draco, who doesn't really resemble canon by necessity. People who write him seem to either get lazy or forget that people are generally pretty tough to crack. This is probably why a number of them resort to extreme angst and abuse storylines. People are remarkably adept at keeping up the status quo, really, which is what makes it fun, of course.
Maybe the reason I like offensive characters is 'cause... well... if you're "nice", then there's nothing to break-- you'll just... bend, 'cause there just isn't that resistance there, that brittleness that internal conflict gives you. Semi-well-adjusted people are... "nice"... but ultimately more static than I like 'em. However, they make great foils for really screwed up & torn characters, especially if their kindness and/or normality provides the push the other one needs to crack. It's great how simple kindness (and, of course, love) drives people out of their minds, isn't it?? Ahahah I love it, anyway.
(Picture me cackling madly, right about here).
The scary thing is, I'm like this about real people, too, though it's hard to get as much opportunity to watch people be vulnerable. And if I care about them, it's not really as fun, y'know? I mean, it hurts me. Whereas in fiction, all is well. People get tortured and I hurt, but not -really-. Not like I would if this was -really- my friend. So I'm guilt-free and they break into pieces and everything is great.
I used to think that I just liked the process of putting people back together; wanted to be a psychologist, even. Maybe I still do. But I have to admit that there's definitely a flip-side to it. I definitely like to see how (fictional) people fall apart, too.
I can only imagine what you guys must be thinking right now. Like, "okay, well, must make mental note to stay further away from Reena than originally planned". Heh.
I'm harmless, really. Especially after I've had my brain-candy fix, anyway :>
