~~ to sum up: wibble.
Jun. 3rd, 2003 06:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkathis is stupid, but.
i just realized that the hardest thing for me to write, hands down, out of all possible plots and all possible stories, is h/d where draco doesn't really love harry.
i can write about them dying, i can write about rape, murder, disease, disillusionment, break-up, jealousy, apathy, hatred, abuse, evil, anything, anything, even if i haven't yet.
but just a sincere, simple lack of love (given they're together to begin with) makes me want to run away screaming into the night.
i don't care if the character never shows it, or never realizes it in himself, or in fact believes something completely false. i don't care if they never get together, remain antagonistic, become friends-but-not-lovers, leave each other, hurt each other, betray each other, kill each other.
the idea that the thing is, one of them simply doesn't love the other is like... armageddon. i simply can't deal with it. my mind shuts down. i gibber and whine and want to cling to the skirts of somebody suspiciously maternal and non-existent because i never -did- that when i was -three-, forget now.
i'm not sure if this is a function of how i see having an otp, or just me being a basketcase, or what. but fact remains, i read and write romance because i -need- it. i need to believe it. i realize that as a serious writer, i need to be able to write about all the range of human relationships, which includes false love, deceptive love, love that never works out or really -flowers- into anything -true-. people are together for all sorts of stupid reasons. sometimes yes, for comfort, for reassurance, just not to be alone, just because they need -somebody-, somebody to validate them, somebody to hold them, just because it's easy. yes.
maybe it strikes too close to home, i don't know.
this is when it becomes obvious i've invested -way- too much into them. at the point where i can't let them go, play with them this way and that, the way any author plays with their characters. they're not free to not love each other, and that's just scary. sigh.
maybe it's just that i think pretending is the worst possible of all fates, when it comes to love. playing at it, imagining you have what you don't. that's a complete nightmare, worse than any other betrayal, even though mostly, it's a consenting sort of thing where people just need the fiction to feel better. but that doesn't make it any more palatable, to me.
it's sort of like finding out that you're really not special at all. it's like, there is no beauty. if they're not in love, how does love even -exist-? and if love doesn't exist, what's the point of anything? what's the point of them existing at all, if they don't love each other?? i may as well kill them off and put them out of their misery.
that is why.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
hackthis tends to call me the eternal optimist of h/d, because anytime she'd write a fic where it all falls apart and for instance, harry realizes that draco and him just don't work or it's not really real and was all based on a lie-- like `anatomy of a dysfunctional relationship', most recently-- i'd say, but no, see, this can't be the entire story, and in the future... and what they don't know yet is....
i guess i'm just terrified, more than anything. terrified of this black hole, this place where love doesn't reach, where the thing i put so much faith in is null and empty. sometimes it had seemed like i love them almost as much as they must love each other. if i wrote them not-in-love, i would be sort of mutilating my own heart. which sounds extreme. but it's true.
i mean. maybe i can write it, but i'd have to have them break up and be -happy- about it, in the end. i dunno, be friends or something, and closer for it. sometimes these things don't work out, and you realize a relationship doesn't work, but then it was never -supposed- to, and that makes realizing that a -good- thing.
it's also just that-- in the end, i think love is so easy. you can say, well, this draco doesn't love harry, he just loves that harry loves him, and needs what harry gives him. but... but... false love turns -into- real love. by going through the motions of loving, if you're sincere, you do, in the end, love. all you need is to open up your heart, and someone's love can kindle your own. love breeds love. you can grow to love somebody, especially somebody as beautiful as harry. how can draco not?? how can he not? how? is he completely dead inside? if so, what makes harry love him in the first place? harry wouldn't waste his love on draco, not with their history between them. something strong, something irresistable would have to pull them together, like a force of nature. how can the connection be weak or one-way, and still bring together people with as much reason to stay apart and in hate as harry & draco?
when i was younger-- i dunno, when i was 13-16 or so-- i -hated- the idea of "growing to love" somebody. hated it. made me think of arranged marriages and cultured love like cultured pearls. i realized it -could- be done, but -why-? what's the point? artificial beauty, stripped of the wildness and unpredictable force of love seems flat and pointless. sigh.
gahd, i can't believe i'm freaking out about this ><;;
back to um... beta-then-qaf-because-even-i-know-there-are-more-important-things-than-gay-sex. or not, 'cause i'm betaing gay sex. heeee. ^^
i just realized that the hardest thing for me to write, hands down, out of all possible plots and all possible stories, is h/d where draco doesn't really love harry.
i can write about them dying, i can write about rape, murder, disease, disillusionment, break-up, jealousy, apathy, hatred, abuse, evil, anything, anything, even if i haven't yet.
but just a sincere, simple lack of love (given they're together to begin with) makes me want to run away screaming into the night.
i don't care if the character never shows it, or never realizes it in himself, or in fact believes something completely false. i don't care if they never get together, remain antagonistic, become friends-but-not-lovers, leave each other, hurt each other, betray each other, kill each other.
the idea that the thing is, one of them simply doesn't love the other is like... armageddon. i simply can't deal with it. my mind shuts down. i gibber and whine and want to cling to the skirts of somebody suspiciously maternal and non-existent because i never -did- that when i was -three-, forget now.
i'm not sure if this is a function of how i see having an otp, or just me being a basketcase, or what. but fact remains, i read and write romance because i -need- it. i need to believe it. i realize that as a serious writer, i need to be able to write about all the range of human relationships, which includes false love, deceptive love, love that never works out or really -flowers- into anything -true-. people are together for all sorts of stupid reasons. sometimes yes, for comfort, for reassurance, just not to be alone, just because they need -somebody-, somebody to validate them, somebody to hold them, just because it's easy. yes.
maybe it strikes too close to home, i don't know.
this is when it becomes obvious i've invested -way- too much into them. at the point where i can't let them go, play with them this way and that, the way any author plays with their characters. they're not free to not love each other, and that's just scary. sigh.
maybe it's just that i think pretending is the worst possible of all fates, when it comes to love. playing at it, imagining you have what you don't. that's a complete nightmare, worse than any other betrayal, even though mostly, it's a consenting sort of thing where people just need the fiction to feel better. but that doesn't make it any more palatable, to me.
it's sort of like finding out that you're really not special at all. it's like, there is no beauty. if they're not in love, how does love even -exist-? and if love doesn't exist, what's the point of anything? what's the point of them existing at all, if they don't love each other?? i may as well kill them off and put them out of their misery.
that is why.
hackthis tends to call me the eternal optimist of h/d, because anytime she'd write a fic where it all falls apart and for instance, harry realizes that draco and him just don't work or it's not really real and was all based on a lie-- like `anatomy of a dysfunctional relationship', most recently-- i'd say, but no, see, this can't be the entire story, and in the future... and what they don't know yet is.... i guess i'm just terrified, more than anything. terrified of this black hole, this place where love doesn't reach, where the thing i put so much faith in is null and empty. sometimes it had seemed like i love them almost as much as they must love each other. if i wrote them not-in-love, i would be sort of mutilating my own heart. which sounds extreme. but it's true.
i mean. maybe i can write it, but i'd have to have them break up and be -happy- about it, in the end. i dunno, be friends or something, and closer for it. sometimes these things don't work out, and you realize a relationship doesn't work, but then it was never -supposed- to, and that makes realizing that a -good- thing.
it's also just that-- in the end, i think love is so easy. you can say, well, this draco doesn't love harry, he just loves that harry loves him, and needs what harry gives him. but... but... false love turns -into- real love. by going through the motions of loving, if you're sincere, you do, in the end, love. all you need is to open up your heart, and someone's love can kindle your own. love breeds love. you can grow to love somebody, especially somebody as beautiful as harry. how can draco not?? how can he not? how? is he completely dead inside? if so, what makes harry love him in the first place? harry wouldn't waste his love on draco, not with their history between them. something strong, something irresistable would have to pull them together, like a force of nature. how can the connection be weak or one-way, and still bring together people with as much reason to stay apart and in hate as harry & draco?
when i was younger-- i dunno, when i was 13-16 or so-- i -hated- the idea of "growing to love" somebody. hated it. made me think of arranged marriages and cultured love like cultured pearls. i realized it -could- be done, but -why-? what's the point? artificial beauty, stripped of the wildness and unpredictable force of love seems flat and pointless. sigh.
gahd, i can't believe i'm freaking out about this ><;;
back to um... beta-then-qaf-because-even-i-know-there-are-more-important-things-than-gay-sex. or not, 'cause i'm betaing gay sex. heeee. ^^
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no subject
Date: 2003-06-04 10:55 am (UTC)i think i identify with harry's side more. i would feel more betrayed by draco and more understanding of harry. i've written both harry/ginny and draco/pansy, not because i ship them or want them, but just because you know, they're the default and easy to play with. but i've also written harry/hermione/ron, harry/hermione, harry/cho and harry/ron (er... well, slightly). in a way, draco doesn't work for me as a character without harry. he's like... -for- harry. he exists in my head, -for- harry. heh. without harry, he's just this stupid twit. hee. whom i love anyway~:)