~~ if love was a slytherin.... it would be a twisted bitch, now wouldn't it. mmm, that's the way i l

[reenka]

i think what prevents me from taking myself seriously (something that has been pointed to as an issue), is just-- my awareness that most of the time, i say things without thinking-- things i -know- aren't true. not to lie, but just because i'm babbling and it's easier not to think, and my default is naive and embarrassing often enough. i know some things aren't real, but refuse to admit to them.
    "true love overcomes all obstacles."
    in a way, it's embarrassing to say things like that-- to admit you take them seriously. i'm not eight years old. i see the way the world works. i see how often things fail-- people fail-- ideals fail. almost nothing lasts forever, and what -does- outlast us is often a product of circumstance and luck.
    but my criteria for love-stories aren't really swamped in the need for realism. more like swamped in the hope for possibilities for passionate transcendence.

the most believable scenario (i'll admit) for harry & draco's relationship (once established) is to fade away in the unpretty glare of continued mundanity and monogamy and the everyday boredom of just existing together, knowing each other too well. almost no one writes them well (except ivy<333) in a happy, established relationship, and i'm sure there's a reason. if they -are-, usually there's betrayal and infidelity and even a lack of chemistry.
    i'm thinking mostly of tillytilly's and poetic_licence's and hackthis' fics at the moment. i wrote `what follows', trying to combat this idea that what will eventually destroy them is complacency, but it's hard to really fight it. it makes sense-- they're enemies, they most likely came together in a rush of adrenaline and feverish need, a frenzy of competition and viciousness. it was them against each other and them against the world and it was all suffused with fear and anger and a large helping of lust.

and then, when the dust settles-- when the adrenaline leaks away-- surely, they would blink at each other and wonder what they're doing together? surely they would lose the impetus to keep going. if what bound them was adrenaline and anger, if that went away, of course things would fall apart. mundane familiarity is the kiss of death for this pairing, after all.
    except that's not why i ship them. and it's not that i'm the eternal optimist of h/d, it's just not how i see them.
    i think it's not about true love overcoming all obstacles. it's about a different definition of love-- a different concept of what they feel for each other.

love doesn't overcome anything-- it renders things irrelevant, but not because of its strength and courage and fighting spirit. their love isn't a gryffindor. their love is a slytherin.

    
their love is obsessive, corrosive, abrasive. it needs, wants, devours. it is jealous and unkind and it -consumes- everything in its path. it's not that i think they'd ever choose to be together, because i don't think they ever would. i think it's not about choice-- neither their joining or separation. they -need-, crave, hate, belong to each other. see? just read ivy's fics :D
    they cannot walk away-- because they cannot walk away from themselves. they could never leave one another, because they're part of one another, because they're in each other's blood. if they try, they'd just slam back together again. their attraction can't be based on something small like "ooh, he's my enemy, how kinky", because that's not enough force to jump-start it, not for harry. harry wouldn't fall in love lightly, he wouldn't just fuck draco 'cause he needed a kick. if he loved someone like draco malfoy, of all people, you can imagine it would be serious-- it would change so much for him-- for both of them. it couldn't be a fling, a passionate, anger-fed affair, because harry really doesn't -like- the people who he considers one of "them", and draco especially.

mundanity and familiarity would ruin it, yes, but i don't see it happening. the conflict between harry & draco isn't wholly based on "slytherin" and "gryffindor", or the war, or their already-established history of animosity. this doesn't exactly seem like something i should emphasize as a "good thing", but remember, harry didn't like draco at first sight. he just doesn't ilke him, that first time in madame malkin's. he's got bad vibes. he makes harry feel weird and uncomfortable. he doesn't even know-- neither of them know who the other is. draco is fine, blabbering on, but harry is on alert. he -wants- to find something to pin on draco, i think, because he just rubs him the wrong way.

they aren't theoretically opposed to each other-- they have a personal issue with each other. this isn't the way harry hates sirius black, or even severus snape (another example of hate that's startlingly personal). harry just can't stand malfoy.
    if that's not important to you-- i dunno why you're pairing them in your head at all. draco obsesses over harry's unfair status as "the boy who lived" as the "golden boy gryffindor", what have you, but who really thinks that's the entire truth? who really thinks he'd hate -any- popular gryffindor? sure, he would mock and show disdain, but this isn't just that. this obsessive hatred is personally tailored to -harry-. not "a weasley", not "a mudblood"-- potter. -the- potter. there is no real precedent in draco's mind-- potter may represent this and that, but it would be sily to say that that's the direct cause of draco's problem. he insults harry's parentage because he knows it's important to harry, he says anything and everything that's calculated to grate on harry-- his guilt, his loneliness, his loyalties. he merely throws generic sorts of insults at ron-- ones that would fit any weasley. but wearing a badge that says "potter stinks"-- that's sort of personal, there.

what i'm saying is-- they resent each other, they rub each other the wrong way, they are personally at odds-- not their houses, not their families, not their sides in the war-- it's just harry potter & draco malfoy, and they cannot be in the same room without wanting the other to drop dead.

even if they fell in love/lust and their relationship had a few years under its belt and all the labels became irrelevant, that chemistry has to remain. we all know those people-- on-again/off-again relationships, always fighting like hormonal cats, never able to go a day without yelling at one another or calling the other names, almost affectionately.
    okay, so. in general, if you want to know what i imagine their life together should/could be-- you can basically read ivy's fics and psychobarfly's `simple love with a complex touch' (which i loveloveloveadorelove. a lot.... GOD I LOVE THEM AND I DON'T WANNA BE MATURE BECAUSE THIS FIC IS SO ADORABLE!!!!11!!11!1)
    ahem.
    rereading: he called him -fuckstick-. *weeeps* i'm in luuuuuuurve.
~~

the weird thing is realizing that it's not -concepts- one doesn't like in stories, not even necessarily even styles of execution of those concepts, all the time-- it's just what one thinks about the -why- of it all. why the writer has written what they did, the way they did. it's hard not to have a feeling about it. that seems to be the real culprit.

    
sometimes the concepts merge though, with a case like say, self-injury in fanfic. i don't like it because it's ooc for a great number of characters, because it's a melodramatic plot device that's rarely handled well, but also because i have to wonder just how much of the writer's agenda and life experience has colored their decision to write it-- and the writer's personal life is -not- something i want to consider while reading.
    and sometimes it's more clear-cut. it's not that i can't stand a scenario where draco wants harry to save him (or harry wants to save draco), for instance. but i can't help but feel that a direct presentation of this idea-- where someone outright says they want this-- is a transparent short-cut trick to get to the popular result of redeemed!draco. after all, if draco -wants- to be redeemed (or even if harry consciously wants to redeem him), well-- half the battle is won, isn't it.

this is one of the things i would consider particular to fanfic. in an original story, you can have a character say, "god, i want to change, i'm tired of being myself, i want susan to change me" and it'd be fine. although, -telling- susan you want her to save you is a bit more iffy, since it's likely to scare off most people. not harry (probably), but he's a hero type, and so on. no way draco would be okay with it. that's just ridiculous-- it would require a huge supression of ego boundaries, a large-scale, intimate submission to his will.

anyway, my point is that i don't find myself unable to stomach the idea as much as suspicious of the writer using it. they are practically screaming out "i'm a redemptionista". which is great. but i don't want to know. i don't want to know if you want harry & draco to understand and make up in the end. i don't want to know if you think lucius is hot and snape's voice is the sexiest sound in existence unless you can convince me that there's a damn good reason why some character would think so. i ship h/d like no tomorrow, and i've yet to write a serious fic where they suddenly realize they're meant to be. that would just be me shooting myself in the foot.

and yet, how many people have written that? --"draco wakes up and realizes harry is his eternal beloved and his hatred is merely a form of love". or, "harry wakes up and realizes draco is the most shaggable boy in hogwarts". i want to bite whoever first came up with that phrase, anyway. because there is no way in hell -harry- thinks so. but yes, i'm sure you think so, who wrote it. sigh.
    i mean, how often does this happen to you? you wake up and you realize-- you know... that guy who really gets on my nerves, and he's annoyed me since first grade? that guy whom i wish would die a painful horrible death, and get measles besides? the guy whom i can't be around without feeling sick? yah. he's the most shaggable guy in the school, isn't he. wow.

and if you -do- think that, obviously something is rather wrong with you, now isn't it.
    anyway. yah. people are silly~:)
~~


~~H/D music~~~~~

smashing pumpkins ("ava adore" & "bullet with butterfly wings" & others)

u2, "mysterious ways", "until the end of the world", "hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me", & a whole lot more.

rolling stones, "sympathy for the devil" (TEE HEE)

the scarlet pimpernel, "the riddle"

the smiths (particularly, "how soon is now")

queen, "princes of the universe" and others.

ac/dc "you shook me all night long" (AHAHAHAH)

billy idol, "dancing with myself" (heeee, fanon!draco)

stuff by boa (a japanese band, their "twilight" album, particularly "elephant" and "duvet", lyrics here).

ani difranco, "untouchable face" and "as is"(!!!!)

tori amos, a -lot- from "little earthquakes"-- "little earthquakes", "crucify", "precious things", "tear in my hand", "leather" and "china". also, "blood roses", "professional widow", "hey jupiter"-- and "putting the damage on"(!!), especially.

sara mclachlan, "possession", "fear" and "hold on", especially.

indigo girls, "ghost".

will always now think of space team electra, "luminary crush" and the tea party, "heaven coming down" & "walking wounded"(!! such a great title for them).

sophie b. hawkins, the "whaler" album-- especially "i need nothing else", "let me love you up", "don't tell me no" & especially "did we not choose each other".

david bowie, "heroes" (continuing the hero-in-love theme), and probably others too.

garbage, "#1 crush" (!!!!!)

october project, "deep as you go".

king crimson, "i talk to the wind" (this is probably just -my- h/d)

majandra, "oil and water" (from the roswell soundtrack).

rachael sage, "the spirit we" & john voorhees, "riddle me this" (am brainwashed by ivy, heh).

jeff buckley, "everyone here wants you".

eels, "novocaine for the soul" (!!!)

joy division, "love will tear us apart" (-THE- h/d song. gah. gah.)

cyndi lauper, "true colors" (WHEEEEEE!!!)

bryan adams, "everything i do (i do it for you)". (when i'm -really- sappy. i mean, -really-. a lot. heh.)

and awwww, rem, "nightswimming" (*grins*)
~~

my favorite quotable quote in days, from f_w of course:

If I wanted to be snooty, I'd say that the problem stems from the fact that HP attracts the wannabe elitists that can't hack elvish history.

hee! hee! as a proud wannabe hack, i am pleased >:D

Comments

[verstehen.livejournal.com]

I am almost... morally, in a way, opposed to the idea of 'Love Conquers All.' In fact, I keep meaning to rant about it, but never seem to find the energy.

People have this idea, true or false as you may wish to view it, that a person isn't complete alone. That Hypothetical Person A (we'll call him 'Bob' for simplicity's sake, because I like the name better than 'John') isn't as full or rounded person as Bob could be without Hypothetical Person B (named 'Sandy,' because of it's gender ambiguousness). Now, it's entirely possible that Bob's habits may change from meeting Sandy. Bob may quit smoking, for example. Or stop going to the bars on football Sunday with the guys. But Bob's innate characteristics are generally not going to change. The reverse is also true.

Now, what about outside forces, you may ask? I can point to numerous real life and fictional examples of couples breaking up due to the influence of jobs, money, peer pressure, etc. There's a reason the divorce rate is so high in the US. There's several examples of people never getting together at all because of those same influences.

Love doesn't conquer all. Hell, it won't even get you a free meal or a ticket to the movies. No matter how good a blow job you give. Simply because, while humans are social animals, they are complete in and of themselves. When a relationship reaches to the point where Bob and Sandy physically can't live without each other (Oh, Tale of a Shining Prince and the other two stories in that sequence whose names escape me at the moment are good examples of this) that's not a healthy relationship. That's a co-dependent relationship.

And for those of you just tuning in, without any knowledge of what co-dependency is, IT'S BAD.

In a lot of ways, I find it hard to picture a Harry/Draco (or Harry/Snape, for that matter) relationship that's healthy. Because there's so much prejudice there between them, redeemed Draco is rarely believable (Still a bastard, but not Voldemort's bastard!Draco, I find much more palatable), and so much of the attraction between them is based on passion and the desire of the moment. A comfortable companionship, a working relationship, is plausible, but in many ways, I think, not possible.

(And as a side note, Draco's got more scorn for Ron and Hermione than he does for Harry. Especially Ron.)

Okay, forgive the spamming with tangents. 'Love Conquers All' is a big pet peeve of mine.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

heh. feel free to tangent away-- i mean, i do it prodigiously, and it's boring to just keep to topic anyway -.-
but, i wasn't meaning to uphold the idea that love conquers all, you could tell, right? i was trying to... have some entirely other idea, that avoided both "it can't work" and "it -has- to work", but that's rather difficult, especially outside the plot-constraints of any particular story, being all general like that.

i dunno if i was going for a portrait of co-dependency (simply 'cause i hate co-dependency)-- as well as having a healthy loathing for the idea that you need another person to make you complete. on the other hand-- there's a balance here between healthy and desirable, and just how it -is-, in all its darkness and unglory. i mean, you're talking to the person who fell in deep insane worshipful love with `drawing down the moon', which is like, the most co-dependent unhealthiest thing -ever-. it's very obvious ddtm!remus can't live without sirius-- and i suppose i like the angst. i don't think it's a desirable relationship for -me- (just like i said in a post, i don't want to -be- remus at all), but its emotional intensity pleases me.

i both do and don't think h&d can't be complete unless they're with each other. in a way, this -is- what happens when you fall passionately in love. it -shouldn't- and it's not good, but it does happen within pair-bonding and romantic love. it's the impetus to become a -couple-. people couple up. we're individuals, but we're also not as higher-brained and frontal-lobe-centric as we like to think. on the more animalistic side, i can definitely see how lots of people need a mate to feel okay. it's just true, regardless of judgements of "good" or "bad". in reality (whatever -that- is), no, people don't need a mate to be themselves. but in practice, lots of people need people-- are needy and unable to truly establish themselves separately from those they want or don't want.

i wasn't trying to push a comfortable relationship at all-- my idea was that they could never be comfortable together and that's why they'd stay together. `simple love with a complex touch' is all about them yelling at each other and beating each other up and stuff. heeee.
and mixing it with ivy-- i meant, a mix of the cicatrix series-- where they had issues until the very end-- and maybe even moreso the `rose red' universe. they can never let go, because they're part of each other-- but i don't mean their personalities have changed. to me, that's not part of the issue at all. i don't need either of them to change (though i would rather draco wasn't evil, obviously, since that just-- er. well. i don't think that can end well.)

and well, i wasn't going for -more- scorn, just more -personalized- scorn, heh. more completely unrelated to who they are in general-- a weasley, a mudblood, the girl who gets the best grades, whatever. i was saying harry & draco are more instinctual. but. *shrugs* i know i didn't back that up too well -.-

random replier here

[flyby.livejournal.com]

Complete lack of profundity here, but have just read UL12 and am broken for the foreseeable future.

tori amos, a -lot- from "little earthquakes"-- "little earthquakes", "crucify", "precious things", "tear in my hand", "leather" and "china". also, "blood roses", "professional widow", "hey jupiter"-- and "putting the damage on"(!!), especially.

sarah mclachlan, "possession", "fear" and "hold on", especially.

<3333!!! Am Sarah addict and Tori worshipper. Possession = total utter H/D song. Also, Sweet Surrender. ::sigh:: Resently I've been writing more to Scarlet's Walk than any other Tori albums - Carbon and Crazy and I can't see New York, for some reason. Also, the Chilis are good for writing smut to. Californication, Otherside, By the Way and Midnight. I don't know why, because I never would have believed it, but something about the way the words and music fitted together just clicked in my mind. ::strange::

[sympathetic-ink.livejournal.com]

when the dust settles-- when the adrenaline leaks away-- surely, they would blink at each other and wonder what they're doing together?

I think, for me, this is the end part of the Monochrome Series: where everything is slowly going stale: but it's mostly about Afterword, which is... well, it's difficult and haunting, it's where Harry realises that the passion has faded: where Draco becomes... away from the person he was before: full of lust and liveliness.

Will think on the things you said here, for a while.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

i think i was clinging to the idea that people's basic chemistry doesn't change-- i don't know -where- i get that idea-- some people do change and some people don't, but i was just thinking that something basic has to remain. but then, oftentimes i can't tell my own romanticism from any sort of sense~:)