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reenkajust occurred to me. isn't it weird that the only fic with tom riddle that i can bear to read (ie, am interested in), is tom/hagrid? but you know... i would say that second only to harry/draco, tom/hagrid is -the- most promising/interesting pairing in hp slash, anyway (am completely biased with hp het since even ron/hermione is merely -cute-, not really interesting). i've never really -thought- about it. there are some things i think about and some things i don't, in terms of likes/dislikes. some things i can't -believe- i like, because they're "too" something. most things are just instinctual anyway, and my tolerance for them is pretty mysterious to me. i mean, it must seem as if i over-analyze everything, but i don't think that's true.
but it's just-- it seems characters, in fanfiction where i don't particularly care for the source material (ie, most fanfiction i've read), are only all that interesting to me in combination. in particular combination. maybe it's just that they're too flat otherwise, without that particular set of stimuli to make some particular facet of them apparent, stronger.
must think on tom riddle more. i've been so concentrated on one aspect-- one combination. my mind likes to tear into things and go at them till i drop. heh. though admittedly, tom is a more cerebral character, more of a meditation on darkness and choices and free will and so on. it seems to me that only when combined with hagrid does he become more human to me, more of an enigma and something to explore. everyone needs a weakness, even if only imagined and half-formed. i like the parable aspect that seems quitessential to me, when it comes to tom/hagrid, the meditation on different sorts of monsters, the contrast. it is that contrast, i think, i seek in a lot of things.
maybe it's really simple, and it's just that i cannot really bear to think of darkness without coupling it with light. although conversely, it's a trial vice-versa, as well, reading about pure light. i've been reading through qui-gon/obi-wan stories again, and i'm struck by how i seem attracted to it, and yet repulsed by the utter Goodness and perfection they all seem to have in mind. gods, but i hate perfection. anything that fits perfectly is suspect and unnatural, i think. i think it's much more interesting to think about things that -don't- fit perfectly, that chafe and spark and resist easy definition and merger. i mean, i like the mind-melding and the complete understanding, always have, but it's just-- if you have that -permanently-, the thrill is gone.
i think it's funny, really, that i keep making these meditative entries-- honestly, i spend most of my time indulging my need for fluff/porn/comedy/angst reading/writing (well, last few days, it's been spring break, so). i think this format just makes me much more inclined to ponderously explore. writing seems to have its own rhythm, to me, its own discipline, and i'm used to smoothing over corners and exploring my thoughts when i write, unless i write to purge emotions. i dunno. i also simply -write-, of course, but mostly i don't have little hiccoughs of trivia (unless one takes reccing links to be trivia, which would be valid).
i'm pretty self-conscious, really, just, before and after, not during the process of expressing myself. there's a certain beauty, though, a certain meditative pleasure in going over opposing forces in one's mind, smoothing them over and trying to flip them around, turn them sideways. it's kind of like a game. the idea of love becomes like a puzzle, with parts that may or may not fit together. i spend a lot of my time considering random things, seeing how they connect with my larger theoretical universe. they always do, somehow. it's never -just- this or -just- that. it's always... this-and-that-and-the-other-thing-and-also....
i mean, i can't just -record-. i can't just say, "it seems that i like tom/hagrid". period. or, "it'd be nice if people wrote more tom/hagrid, even though i don't see epics arising from it, and that's the point, somehow, it's a relationship of moments, caught in time-- i think all relationships are like that." see, that's what happens. i then think, 'but -all-...", and then i'm just lost. it's hard to keep things separate. perhaps i don't understand evil without somehow relating it to a lost sense of self, a self in isolation, to a greed for things you think you cannot have, and that roots itself in a thwarted need for love.
everytime i write, i make a post, i think, this time-- this time, i've finally said everything. i can stop soon. i won't write tomorrow, or the day after. i will wait until i -really- have something to say, i will catch up with my work, with my writing. i will write that one post i've been meaning to for months now, and i'll include that thing about nietzsche and optimism that i'm not quite sure what to say about. haven't i said everything? merely having an idea, a flickering of interest, isn't a good enough reason to write, is it. i mean, i'm not really demanding anyone -read-, but on the other hand it's hard to feel there isn't a difference between thinking things to myself and throwing them out there. and even now, i hope-- tomorrow, i won't have to write. tomorrow, i will be silent. i will write stories, and i will study and i will.....
but there is a certain refreshment to writing like this. i relax and i just listen to myself type, and there is a sense of relaxation because i'm not trying to -construct- anything, it just constructs itself. writing is so calming.
there is this sense i get of people's journals being louder than mine. like they're -talking- at normal, measured, conversational volume, whereas i'm just whispering, chanting to myself, humming a little, or babbling disjointedly. i almost never -address- this to anyone, and it still surprises me, the idea that i seem to make enough sense to make reading worthwhile, since it's always, always raw output. i just have a subject, usually, that i want to ramble about, simply because it fascinates me at that given moment. tom/hagrid, say. i think there might be a relationship between the dynamic of tom/hagrid and duncan/methos, as a pairing. it may seem completely arbitrary, but it resonates similarly somehow.
nothing seems real, in terms of affection, to me, if i don't ask "why". if i don't tell myself a story about it, if i don't tie it to other trends, to larger metaphorical arcs, to deeper movements within myself. it's as if life is a dream-- or my life, anyway, because so much of it is built on stories-- and everything (in a story and a dream) is said to be a signifier of something else. it can't be tom/hagrid, taken simply. there isn't really even that simplicity accessible to me, most times. it's always-- tom/hagrid and everything they mean to me and represent. everything they're associated with in my mind, sort of like spring goes with rain and sunsets go with autumn.
so, this entry wound up being more about myself than about tom/hagrid, but honestly, that's how it always is, really. i use these things to illuminate pieces of me, simply because i have no other tools i can think of. everything "real" is so fragmented, so hard to pin down and understand. i observe it constantly and i'm no closer to really knowing what's going on. stories are so very complex, but ultimately so simple. it is rather strange to me that so many of you give out these little tidbits of your lives without setting them in any larger story, merely recording them as they happen. there is really more of andrew in me than is healthy-- well-- i'm not in self-denial that much, and possibly not that much of a coward, but otherwise, yes. it's weird because it's not uncommon, i just... see it more with poets and loner type artists. this whole thing where you're lost inside your own story, always retelling the story of the world, of the universe, always trying to find the secret, to reach the center, because it seems more important than anything day-to-day, anything "real".
and i realize this is really my own doing, my own fault, for comparing myself in the first place, for looking for differences and similarities when i don't have enough data, when i merely see the obvious things that will always seem to speak of difference. that's how people start to believe they're alone, they're "different", simply because there's a certain leap of faith, of imagination involved in saying that one is similar unless one knows another person pretty intimately. am i even making sense? see, this is the sort of thing that is always in the background of my mind. is that not apparent? what -is- apparent? am i what i seem, or am i what i -think- i am, or am i everything and nothing at once?
perhaps i become more separate, more different, if i believe i am, and less so if i believe i am. it's weird because i fully understand and identify with plenty of fictional characters-- they always make me feel normal and "real". it's only with the detritus and confusion of actual people, who aren't telling a story and aren't making a point, that it's easy to get lost. there's all this surface layer of ego that is so widely ranging between people, and i do find that fascinating but also alienating. it's not as easy to simply slip into someone's skin if they're obviously not you in some blatant way.
anyway.
what the hell am i on about?
i don't know.
and of course, now i wonder, "is this (and what is `this'?) why people defriend me?" i mean, makes no sense but, wibbling. on the one hand, talking about hp characters too much is obsessive and boring. on the other, talking about oneself too much is even -more- obsessive and boring. ahahahah. there is no winning :D
should i get back to tom/hagrid (finally)? nah, no one cares. oh, it's true. i mean, i know the few people who -write- it care, but not necessarily about its Deeper Implications, ahaha. i'll just blame all this on the headache and the need to eat. i will also defend myself by thinking that everyone -else- thinks all the time too (probably in circles, too), just, they don't -post- it, do they (on my friends list anyway). hee. no matter.
am not inspired to write harry/draco right now. there. i said it. dammit! *hits self on head* how frustrating. maybe i should ....er.... take a walk. yah, that's it. right.
~~
also.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mawaridi's `it is love that walks away' is... *makes little strangled noises*
it is strangely like my drabble, `simplicity', and strangely like ivy's `dirty', and strangely like nothing but itself, especially with anne sexton's poem and the sense that best love stories have, that if you do it just right, if you love truly and with your whole heart, life will wait for you and the flowers will open. and maybe -life- doesn't work like that, but maybe people do.
~~
EDIT - as far as anything interesting is concerned, i'd point you tothamiris' post on `synedoche, power and fanfic'. which inspired me to new heights of rapture about fanon and the originality inherent within fanfic. all this canon-worship is fine and good, but it's only fair to indulge in some fanon-worship sometimes. not quite -fanon-, perhaps, but rather the personal permutation of the original text a (good) fanfic writer creates in each story. i find this sort of thing v. inspiring-- a communal storytelling act reminiscent of fairy tales and myths. we're doing (by writing hp fanfic) as the greeks and romans did, yes.
i wrote a response here, basically wondering if using canon as camouflage isn't really taking things down the narrower path. in a larger storytelling sense.
~~
also. everyone should readlasultrix's semi-lupin/harry/snape, eheheheh. ohhh, i love the understated perverse evilness of it. mmmm, perverse evilness! :D
but it's just-- it seems characters, in fanfiction where i don't particularly care for the source material (ie, most fanfiction i've read), are only all that interesting to me in combination. in particular combination. maybe it's just that they're too flat otherwise, without that particular set of stimuli to make some particular facet of them apparent, stronger.
must think on tom riddle more. i've been so concentrated on one aspect-- one combination. my mind likes to tear into things and go at them till i drop. heh. though admittedly, tom is a more cerebral character, more of a meditation on darkness and choices and free will and so on. it seems to me that only when combined with hagrid does he become more human to me, more of an enigma and something to explore. everyone needs a weakness, even if only imagined and half-formed. i like the parable aspect that seems quitessential to me, when it comes to tom/hagrid, the meditation on different sorts of monsters, the contrast. it is that contrast, i think, i seek in a lot of things.
maybe it's really simple, and it's just that i cannot really bear to think of darkness without coupling it with light. although conversely, it's a trial vice-versa, as well, reading about pure light. i've been reading through qui-gon/obi-wan stories again, and i'm struck by how i seem attracted to it, and yet repulsed by the utter Goodness and perfection they all seem to have in mind. gods, but i hate perfection. anything that fits perfectly is suspect and unnatural, i think. i think it's much more interesting to think about things that -don't- fit perfectly, that chafe and spark and resist easy definition and merger. i mean, i like the mind-melding and the complete understanding, always have, but it's just-- if you have that -permanently-, the thrill is gone.
i think it's funny, really, that i keep making these meditative entries-- honestly, i spend most of my time indulging my need for fluff/porn/comedy/angst reading/writing (well, last few days, it's been spring break, so). i think this format just makes me much more inclined to ponderously explore. writing seems to have its own rhythm, to me, its own discipline, and i'm used to smoothing over corners and exploring my thoughts when i write, unless i write to purge emotions. i dunno. i also simply -write-, of course, but mostly i don't have little hiccoughs of trivia (unless one takes reccing links to be trivia, which would be valid).
i'm pretty self-conscious, really, just, before and after, not during the process of expressing myself. there's a certain beauty, though, a certain meditative pleasure in going over opposing forces in one's mind, smoothing them over and trying to flip them around, turn them sideways. it's kind of like a game. the idea of love becomes like a puzzle, with parts that may or may not fit together. i spend a lot of my time considering random things, seeing how they connect with my larger theoretical universe. they always do, somehow. it's never -just- this or -just- that. it's always... this-and-that-and-the-other-thing-and-also....
i mean, i can't just -record-. i can't just say, "it seems that i like tom/hagrid". period. or, "it'd be nice if people wrote more tom/hagrid, even though i don't see epics arising from it, and that's the point, somehow, it's a relationship of moments, caught in time-- i think all relationships are like that." see, that's what happens. i then think, 'but -all-...", and then i'm just lost. it's hard to keep things separate. perhaps i don't understand evil without somehow relating it to a lost sense of self, a self in isolation, to a greed for things you think you cannot have, and that roots itself in a thwarted need for love.
everytime i write, i make a post, i think, this time-- this time, i've finally said everything. i can stop soon. i won't write tomorrow, or the day after. i will wait until i -really- have something to say, i will catch up with my work, with my writing. i will write that one post i've been meaning to for months now, and i'll include that thing about nietzsche and optimism that i'm not quite sure what to say about. haven't i said everything? merely having an idea, a flickering of interest, isn't a good enough reason to write, is it. i mean, i'm not really demanding anyone -read-, but on the other hand it's hard to feel there isn't a difference between thinking things to myself and throwing them out there. and even now, i hope-- tomorrow, i won't have to write. tomorrow, i will be silent. i will write stories, and i will study and i will.....
but there is a certain refreshment to writing like this. i relax and i just listen to myself type, and there is a sense of relaxation because i'm not trying to -construct- anything, it just constructs itself. writing is so calming.
there is this sense i get of people's journals being louder than mine. like they're -talking- at normal, measured, conversational volume, whereas i'm just whispering, chanting to myself, humming a little, or babbling disjointedly. i almost never -address- this to anyone, and it still surprises me, the idea that i seem to make enough sense to make reading worthwhile, since it's always, always raw output. i just have a subject, usually, that i want to ramble about, simply because it fascinates me at that given moment. tom/hagrid, say. i think there might be a relationship between the dynamic of tom/hagrid and duncan/methos, as a pairing. it may seem completely arbitrary, but it resonates similarly somehow.
nothing seems real, in terms of affection, to me, if i don't ask "why". if i don't tell myself a story about it, if i don't tie it to other trends, to larger metaphorical arcs, to deeper movements within myself. it's as if life is a dream-- or my life, anyway, because so much of it is built on stories-- and everything (in a story and a dream) is said to be a signifier of something else. it can't be tom/hagrid, taken simply. there isn't really even that simplicity accessible to me, most times. it's always-- tom/hagrid and everything they mean to me and represent. everything they're associated with in my mind, sort of like spring goes with rain and sunsets go with autumn.
so, this entry wound up being more about myself than about tom/hagrid, but honestly, that's how it always is, really. i use these things to illuminate pieces of me, simply because i have no other tools i can think of. everything "real" is so fragmented, so hard to pin down and understand. i observe it constantly and i'm no closer to really knowing what's going on. stories are so very complex, but ultimately so simple. it is rather strange to me that so many of you give out these little tidbits of your lives without setting them in any larger story, merely recording them as they happen. there is really more of andrew in me than is healthy-- well-- i'm not in self-denial that much, and possibly not that much of a coward, but otherwise, yes. it's weird because it's not uncommon, i just... see it more with poets and loner type artists. this whole thing where you're lost inside your own story, always retelling the story of the world, of the universe, always trying to find the secret, to reach the center, because it seems more important than anything day-to-day, anything "real".
and i realize this is really my own doing, my own fault, for comparing myself in the first place, for looking for differences and similarities when i don't have enough data, when i merely see the obvious things that will always seem to speak of difference. that's how people start to believe they're alone, they're "different", simply because there's a certain leap of faith, of imagination involved in saying that one is similar unless one knows another person pretty intimately. am i even making sense? see, this is the sort of thing that is always in the background of my mind. is that not apparent? what -is- apparent? am i what i seem, or am i what i -think- i am, or am i everything and nothing at once?
perhaps i become more separate, more different, if i believe i am, and less so if i believe i am. it's weird because i fully understand and identify with plenty of fictional characters-- they always make me feel normal and "real". it's only with the detritus and confusion of actual people, who aren't telling a story and aren't making a point, that it's easy to get lost. there's all this surface layer of ego that is so widely ranging between people, and i do find that fascinating but also alienating. it's not as easy to simply slip into someone's skin if they're obviously not you in some blatant way.
anyway.
what the hell am i on about?
i don't know.
and of course, now i wonder, "is this (and what is `this'?) why people defriend me?" i mean, makes no sense but, wibbling. on the one hand, talking about hp characters too much is obsessive and boring. on the other, talking about oneself too much is even -more- obsessive and boring. ahahahah. there is no winning :D
should i get back to tom/hagrid (finally)? nah, no one cares. oh, it's true. i mean, i know the few people who -write- it care, but not necessarily about its Deeper Implications, ahaha. i'll just blame all this on the headache and the need to eat. i will also defend myself by thinking that everyone -else- thinks all the time too (probably in circles, too), just, they don't -post- it, do they (on my friends list anyway). hee. no matter.
am not inspired to write harry/draco right now. there. i said it. dammit! *hits self on head* how frustrating. maybe i should ....er.... take a walk. yah, that's it. right.
~~
also.
mawaridi's `it is love that walks away' is... *makes little strangled noises*it is strangely like my drabble, `simplicity', and strangely like ivy's `dirty', and strangely like nothing but itself, especially with anne sexton's poem and the sense that best love stories have, that if you do it just right, if you love truly and with your whole heart, life will wait for you and the flowers will open. and maybe -life- doesn't work like that, but maybe people do.
~~
EDIT - as far as anything interesting is concerned, i'd point you to
thamiris' post on `synedoche, power and fanfic'. which inspired me to new heights of rapture about fanon and the originality inherent within fanfic. all this canon-worship is fine and good, but it's only fair to indulge in some fanon-worship sometimes. not quite -fanon-, perhaps, but rather the personal permutation of the original text a (good) fanfic writer creates in each story. i find this sort of thing v. inspiring-- a communal storytelling act reminiscent of fairy tales and myths. we're doing (by writing hp fanfic) as the greeks and romans did, yes.i wrote a response here, basically wondering if using canon as camouflage isn't really taking things down the narrower path. in a larger storytelling sense.
~~
also. everyone should read
lasultrix's semi-lupin/harry/snape, eheheheh. ohhh, i love the understated perverse evilness of it. mmmm, perverse evilness! :D
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no subject
Date: 2003-03-11 04:23 pm (UTC)*siiiigh*
dammit, the universe is conspiring to get me to write my fic and stop procrastinating. or so i must tell myself :D
no subject
Date: 2003-03-11 05:05 pm (UTC)Am writing misogynistic Hermione Polyjuice fic. Teehee.