~~wah. trying to be non-fannish. failing.

[reenka]

i was going to just make a short post about my wibbling, listening to ac/dc ("you shook me all night long", eheheh) on the radio in the dining hall, and you know... rockin'. and then i was like, dude. i bet people would be -shocked- if they knew how much i liked hard rock and metal and things like that. i don't seem the type, do i. that's not my "image". and that seriously disturbs me. that i even -think- about things like that. it's not that i stop doing anything due to this phantom `image', but i stop and think about it. which is bad enough. i mean, suuuure, i listen to enya and tori and new wave and new age and sarah mclachlan and all that, just like good little `sensitive gurls' are supposed to. but. nothing really gets me like hard rock gets me. it's how i grew up, dancing like mad in front of the mirror.
    mostly, it's not the music. i just... wish my more extreme, loud, abrasive self was more obvious, i wish people could see it, because mostly, they don't. i so want to be like tank girl, delirium, ani difranco, just-- i dunno. someone in-your-face and bitchy and strong, and unafraid of anything, and always herself. because... well... i am. i hate it that i'm always seen as sweet and kind and meek and mousy and gentle. it makes me want to -scream-. i have all this fire and anger and energy, and it's all bottled up and washed under, most of the time, by the calm still waters of soft-spokenness and gentility. not that it's false-- i'm not secretly mean or anything.
    because even when i sing, i sing really softly. i have, for most of my life, anyway, unless i'm really really -really- alone. only recently have i learned to sing loudly, because i -want- to. there's this huge part of me that wants to be bloody -loud-. i want to -change- things, i want to make a difference, i want to sing on the top of my lungs and not be "sweet" just because i'm quiet. because quiet isn't sweet. quiet is just subdued. even tori-- she's not about quiet, to me. neither is sarah, or fiona. they're all about tearing yourself open and being honest and free, and that's not quiet. they're -singing-. and that's not quiet. *sigh* i don't even like ac/dc (seriously now. they act/look/sound like morons, if you think about it). but i like (pretty) noise~:)
~~

i also wanted to mention the fur-trees. they're so pretty with the tufts of snow on them. they seem made for snow. i could see every needle, such a pretty olive-green. it made me tingle. is it just me? is it just me who could live for music and for fur-trees? i mean, people kill themselves because there's nothing left. i don't understand, not completely. i get depressed, -really- depressed. but i could never want to totally -stop- while there is the sublime pleasure of the visual and audible world, wrapping around me. at my worst, i was always in love with the world, and not only with words and ideas and concepts. i could let them go. i could let go every word, every poem, every painting, if the source of it all would remain, if i could keep the colors and the light and the tingly wind and the harsh beat of drums. all i need is to feel myself a part of them. even in the midst of winter (which i hate), i can't bring myself to reject the world, because it is always so beautiful i feel like i'm dying from overload, except i'm not. i'm living. it's all living. and way before i ever met someone i could say i loved, i knew this was it. this was love. how can you say you never loved? you, who have been outside, who's seen a sunset, who's seen the snow drift over pine-needles. it is everywhere, wrapped around everything, suffusing the world like light. with even the memory of it.... i feel a happiness that has nothing to do with being the opposite of sadness. maybe it's just the heady thrum of existence, which is neither this nor that but is perhaps... like an affirmation. like the wind is whispering "yes", even as it chills you to the bone.
~~



i did rant a bit, on the subject of whether it's "too fannish" to join a fanlisting of aja's luw. this brings up all sorts of issues i have with the very concept of being a "fan" of something in the first place, such as, er... me not wanting to be a fan, because i consider the concept too reminiscent of cliques and high-schoolish identity politics and stuff like that.
    i did join the luw list, back in the day, which isn't all that far from a "fanlisting" if you want to put it like that, but. that was back before livejournal, and i just wanted to keep up with new chapters. i'm very utilitarian about lists. plus i don't -mind- discussing a favorite work. just as long as it's not a decorative "look i'm a fan" sort of thing.

i agree with ishuca's take on it. i just like things, big-name or not-big-name. the idea that because i rec aja and ivy and zahra and silvia and maya and so on, i could be seen as some sort of "groupie" or something, disturbs me. i think she was talking about the present hubbub on the `hp outer circle' list, which is frankly starting to bore me, because of course, it's getting into fandom politics, which is inevitable because a) it was started by people on the fringes of fandom; b) it's made up of human beings.

no one really -cared- who started the list, and i suppose in the spirit of egalitarianism, one shouldn't, but seriously, i think who's in charge of a good concept is as important as the concept. i think discussion of who's a "big name fan" and who isn't is completely offensive in regard to fics. though in their defense they were saying they want to introduce people to fics they haven't heard of. which is fine and good, but.... honestly, my concept of intelligent fic discussion isn't -about- reccing, but rather being blunt and uncensored about any fic, heard of or not. it's true that there are a lot of unknown writers out there, but honestly, if they're not at least -somewhat- well-known, they are probably not all -that- good. there -is- such a thing as word of mouth.

for example. i've heard of 95% of all the hp fic writers on my friends list within about 2 months of each other. does that make them all bnf's? i admit i read a lot of fic and i have an ability to sort and remember and cross-link and follow up recs and references, but really. if you post things in public forums, if you have friends and comment on other people's things, you're not really "unknown". and er, i know this, because damn, but people keep adding me steadily, and i don't even -have- a big wip right now.
    but yes. the ins and outs of `fandom' have always disturbed me. i don't like the idea that i'm a part of it. i want to be `famous'-- ie, i want a large number of people to read my fics (wheeee! readers!) but that's not the same as wanting to be "big" in the "fandom". i want readers, not minions. fandom and "fan" is too close to minion, to me. i'm not anyone's minion. i'm really close to being neil's minion, but um. seriously, i'm not. i just adore him and i think he's godlike, based on several (not -all-) of the sandman arcs, but i wouldn't like-- follow him around and ask him to sign my boobies or anything.

though i -did- get Really Really Excited when i saw ivy in nyc this fall (eeeeeeeee~!!!! IVY!!!!! I CAN DIE HAPPY NOW!! -- yes, that was me). but um. yah. *coughs* i feel all sorts of warm fuzzies for ivy and aja and silvia and you-know-who-you-all-are, but like-- er... that's just me, being an over-excitable obsessive t00b. now, a lot of people would say that's fan behavior. but it's an emotional, sincere thing for me. i honestly adore their work and what i can see of them as human beings. they're like my heroes, because they write things that make me happy and thus make the world a little bit better (ehehehe and yes it's all about me, indeed, ehehehehe). but not really, because that implies a sort of girl-scout thing where they're the scout masters and i'm the scout. i don't know how to explain it, quite.

it's so much easier to know what you're -not- rather than what you -are-. i yam what i yam, as popeye would say~:)

Comments

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

nah, you're making sense. it takes a bit to confuse me, anyway. ahahah, though some of those post modern philosophy types sure do come close. also, reading really dense academic texts of any kind tends to tax my brain. you know the kind. the kind that seem to be -made- to drive you insane trying to use parts of your verbal processing centers that god never intended lazy little girls to be using ><;; eheheh
but yah. i'm always overly optimistic and slightly anti-drug (more, drug-phobic, actually), so... but ... i do see how in "reality" people certainly do get totally carried away and not even having the love of their life begging them to wake up, crying and kissing their feet would er... stop them.
people leave their wives and babies and then there's kurt cobain and stuff like that. so yeah.
i think i'm just usually... all... mind over matter which is ridiculous when the mind -is- the matter, you know? i feel like my mind is "okay" right now so it's hard to truly imagine it breaking down and going out of control, but i realize this feeling of security is fleeting and undependable.
i've had times where i -definitely- couldn't control myself, and heck, in small ways it happens every single day.
fear, for instance. if you are afraid, -nothing- can break through that. not that people kill themselves out of fear usually, but still. sadness/pain is easier to get over... well... not immediately, but it passes, for me. like any pain passes. you just wait, and wail and scream and then the next day you can't even remember exactly how bad it felt.

but about the chemicals being specific and stuff... *nods* yah, being over-optimistic again.
in a way, i think my attitude is actually non-productive, and something i should get over (especially considering my impending psych major, eheheheh).
i am wary of things... poking about semi-randomly in my head. if i wanted dopamines, i know how to get 'em. but. i realize that some things are -really bad- in certain cases, and people's chemistry could be -so- tangled up they need ...help. and i'm not so uninformed as to think prozac/etc makes you "happy". i've not seen people truly improve on drugs in a way i'd approve of, but i'm aware successes exist, it's just i don't know any~:)
also... depression & even delirium are things i probably am somewhat acclimatized to, and don't feel as scared of as i should, having experienced them in small enough doses that i'm okay without any drugs. well, okay being a very relative term. i mean, van gogh and sylvia plath weren't "okay", and yet i think their lives were ... well-spent, you know what i mean?

it's like, 70% of the famous artists have had some sort of "problem" and they wrote/drew all that stuff, and that makes it okay for me, but know it doesn't make it -actually- okay. it's like that semi-famous morality play or whatever, where you have this illness, this tumor in your brain, but it makes you able to create these genius pieces of music, but if they took out the tumor, you'd be tone-deaf. that "flowers for algernon" sort of deal.
would you take the tumor (which would eventually kill you), or would you take the non-artistic life? what does "balance" mean when it's just flatline existence? does art and passion make its own imbalances? what is the price we pay for truly being sensitive and open to the world?
is being open to the world a source or a result of a sort of "mental illness"?

i dunno. i always had a not-completely-negative association with madness and imbalance and art and maybe even death. i like dancing with death, because i'm sure i won't fall. i have this built-in safety lock, it seems. i just -couldn't- kill myself, for instance, so it's all very easy to say, "well, no reason is a good enough reason", because for me it quite simply isn't about reasons. and likewise, for the people who -do- do it, or want to.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

and er. yes. i do over-analyze, ehehe. i'm glad my sudden barrage didn't freak -you- out. i'm glad someone responded to that part of my post, just so i didn't feel all anyone wants to talk to me about is fandom stuff, which would be semi-depressing, actually, eheheh.
i mean, i do have a purely "poetic ramblings/rl-stuff" journal, but i'm sick of compartmentalizing myself all the time.
it's a weird place to be, where i hate censoring myself and feel like i'm the stupid one. it's always reassuring to be responded to in an open manner that isn't purely about "i agree" or "i disagree", so thanks >:D

Re:

[wellington.livejournal.com]

i've not seen people truly improve on drugs in a way i'd approve of, but i'm aware successes exist, it's just i don't know any~:)

:) Agreed. As often as drugs can help, I've never met anyone who has actually improved on them, including myself. What I've found is they seem to leave things a little more open to improvement. I can tell you, that right after I started taking some of my meds were some of the most truly depressing times of my life. Improvements have to be self-made or they just don't work. They don't stick.

In terms of art...I'm with you there. I often find myself asking those questions. And frankly I am scared. Scared about losing that way of viewing life, that ability to see art in things...scared to lose my perception.

I don't know. I've always had this thing about madness and genius -- I can't deny the correlation...I've always wanted that...to be able to translate feelings to tangible forms...to art. It's probably the most important thing to me, and directly associated with my self-worth.

I like how you put the relationship. As much as it contradicts what I'm currently doing with myself. There's practicality and there's romanticism. I'm a horrible romantic concerning most things, I don't know if it's healthy, but it is how I feel. You are so right in those points you make.

Thanks, it's nice to discuss this stuff. I don't think many of my friends are up for working out the mechanics of art...:) Breath of fresh air.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

heh. i am probably -too- into talking about the "mechanics of art", since it led me down the questionable path of taking art history courses that make me read kant, who is (one of) the tools of the devil ><;;
and, even though i said all that about artistic ability being correlated to imbalance, i don't think it is. well... not quite that bluntly. plenty of sane, "okay" people are artists. i mean, there's a -certain- wobbliness that's to do with doing something most people just don't -do-, so it's not -quite- something i think the car-mechanic down the road is up to....

but... the wellsprings of art are deep inside you. even people with most of their minds gone-- even elephants-- (hee!) make stuff people could recognize as "art".
i wobble on this. two year-olds doodle. so do overly complex 22 year-olds with extensive "emotional issues". is the latter "more true" than the former?
i've seen autistic 14 year-old draw and i've seen my (seemingly sane) art teacher draw and i've seen boys drawn tanks in their notebooks when i was eight. i wouldn't necessarily be able to label and rank these things. while insane people and disturbed people do create art, a lot of the time, that art is disturbed and not all that... er... universal, and only appeals to a certain prurient interest. for every van gogh, there's thousands of people who just draw severed arms, legs, and noses being eaten by spiders with the same condition he had.

it's being off-kilter that helps, not full-out pathology. and possibly art itself is what makes you off-kilter, not the other way around. i think creativity is a vital and central part of one's humanity, and it's very very hard to lose it. people who you'd think should've lost it, don't, there are lots of psychiatry research on this, too. it's not like... localized, i think. it's not like there's a "creativity center" the way there's a motion center. even verbal centers are scattered everywhere around the brain. we use all of ourselves, creating things, and it's very hard to really mess up all that.

some people are -never- creative, and then they start when they're 25 or even 65. i never quite got that. some people are creative up to age 20 and then never do it again, at least for 30 years. i never got that either. for me, it's just how i think/live/breathe. it's not dependent on mood, thought pattern, current identity. i remember when i was like, 2 years old, i doodled things. now, most 2 year olds doodle things. but i never stopped. so to me, i started then, even if what i did then wasn't "art" or anything anyone wants to see-- it was still me being creative. now... how many insane/imbalanced/"weird" two-year-olds -are- there? well, unless you've got one of those birth defects like autism or downs syndrome, but that's a whole different kettle of fish.

but you see what i'm saying.
i'm a romantic too. ehehehe. that's why i like my `ship, you know. h/d-ers come in two types: insane romantics and total plebes. since total plebes are easy to sort and discard, you're left with insane romantics ~:)
eheheh. whereas, you know... like, lucius/harry & harry/snape and ginny/ron people scare me. you have to wonder just what kind of issues -they- have, you know?? *giggles*
i figure ron/draco is romantic except really bitter and violent. considering h/d is -already- bitter and violent, i'm guessing it just wasn't angry and mean and bitchy enough. so, romantic but in denial. ahahaha. you know, if i really said what i thought of all the ships, people wouldn't think i'm nice anymore >:D