~~wah. trying to be non-fannish. failing.
Feb. 7th, 2003 04:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkai was going to just make a short post about my wibbling, listening to ac/dc ("you shook me all night long", eheheh) on the radio in the dining hall, and you know... rockin'. and then i was like, dude. i bet people would be -shocked- if they knew how much i liked hard rock and metal and things like that. i don't seem the type, do i. that's not my "image". and that seriously disturbs me. that i even -think- about things like that. it's not that i stop doing anything due to this phantom `image', but i stop and think about it. which is bad enough. i mean, suuuure, i listen to enya and tori and new wave and new age and sarah mclachlan and all that, just like good little `sensitive gurls' are supposed to. but. nothing really gets me like hard rock gets me. it's how i grew up, dancing like mad in front of the mirror.
mostly, it's not the music. i just... wish my more extreme, loud, abrasive self was more obvious, i wish people could see it, because mostly, they don't. i so want to be like tank girl, delirium, ani difranco, just-- i dunno. someone in-your-face and bitchy and strong, and unafraid of anything, and always herself. because... well... i am. i hate it that i'm always seen as sweet and kind and meek and mousy and gentle. it makes me want to -scream-. i have all this fire and anger and energy, and it's all bottled up and washed under, most of the time, by the calm still waters of soft-spokenness and gentility. not that it's false-- i'm not secretly mean or anything.
because even when i sing, i sing really softly. i have, for most of my life, anyway, unless i'm really really -really- alone. only recently have i learned to sing loudly, because i -want- to. there's this huge part of me that wants to be bloody -loud-. i want to -change- things, i want to make a difference, i want to sing on the top of my lungs and not be "sweet" just because i'm quiet. because quiet isn't sweet. quiet is just subdued. even tori-- she's not about quiet, to me. neither is sarah, or fiona. they're all about tearing yourself open and being honest and free, and that's not quiet. they're -singing-. and that's not quiet. *sigh* i don't even like ac/dc (seriously now. they act/look/sound like morons, if you think about it). but i like (pretty) noise~:)
~~
i also wanted to mention the fur-trees. they're so pretty with the tufts of snow on them. they seem made for snow. i could see every needle, such a pretty olive-green. it made me tingle. is it just me? is it just me who could live for music and for fur-trees? i mean, people kill themselves because there's nothing left. i don't understand, not completely. i get depressed, -really- depressed. but i could never want to totally -stop- while there is the sublime pleasure of the visual and audible world, wrapping around me. at my worst, i was always in love with the world, and not only with words and ideas and concepts. i could let them go. i could let go every word, every poem, every painting, if the source of it all would remain, if i could keep the colors and the light and the tingly wind and the harsh beat of drums. all i need is to feel myself a part of them. even in the midst of winter (which i hate), i can't bring myself to reject the world, because it is always so beautiful i feel like i'm dying from overload, except i'm not. i'm living. it's all living. and way before i ever met someone i could say i loved, i knew this was it. this was love. how can you say you never loved? you, who have been outside, who's seen a sunset, who's seen the snow drift over pine-needles. it is everywhere, wrapped around everything, suffusing the world like light. with even the memory of it.... i feel a happiness that has nothing to do with being the opposite of sadness. maybe it's just the heady thrum of existence, which is neither this nor that but is perhaps... like an affirmation. like the wind is whispering "yes", even as it chills you to the bone.
~~
i did rant a bit, on the subject of whether it's "too fannish" to join a fanlisting of aja's luw. this brings up all sorts of issues i have with the very concept of being a "fan" of something in the first place, such as, er... me not wanting to be a fan, because i consider the concept too reminiscent of cliques and high-schoolish identity politics and stuff like that.
i did join the luw list, back in the day, which isn't all that far from a "fanlisting" if you want to put it like that, but. that was back before livejournal, and i just wanted to keep up with new chapters. i'm very utilitarian about lists. plus i don't -mind- discussing a favorite work. just as long as it's not a decorative "look i'm a fan" sort of thing.
i agree with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ishuca's take on it. i just like things, big-name or not-big-name. the idea that because i rec aja and ivy and zahra and silvia and maya and so on, i could be seen as some sort of "groupie" or something, disturbs me. i think she was talking about the present hubbub on the `hp outer circle' list, which is frankly starting to bore me, because of course, it's getting into fandom politics, which is inevitable because a) it was started by people on the fringes of fandom; b) it's made up of human beings.
no one really -cared- who started the list, and i suppose in the spirit of egalitarianism, one shouldn't, but seriously, i think who's in charge of a good concept is as important as the concept. i think discussion of who's a "big name fan" and who isn't is completely offensive in regard to fics. though in their defense they were saying they want to introduce people to fics they haven't heard of. which is fine and good, but.... honestly, my concept of intelligent fic discussion isn't -about- reccing, but rather being blunt and uncensored about any fic, heard of or not. it's true that there are a lot of unknown writers out there, but honestly, if they're not at least -somewhat- well-known, they are probably not all -that- good. there -is- such a thing as word of mouth.
for example. i've heard of 95% of all the hp fic writers on my friends list within about 2 months of each other. does that make them all bnf's? i admit i read a lot of fic and i have an ability to sort and remember and cross-link and follow up recs and references, but really. if you post things in public forums, if you have friends and comment on other people's things, you're not really "unknown". and er, i know this, because damn, but people keep adding me steadily, and i don't even -have- a big wip right now.
but yes. the ins and outs of `fandom' have always disturbed me. i don't like the idea that i'm a part of it. i want to be `famous'-- ie, i want a large number of people to read my fics (wheeee! readers!) but that's not the same as wanting to be "big" in the "fandom". i want readers, not minions. fandom and "fan" is too close to minion, to me. i'm not anyone's minion. i'm really close to being neil's minion, but um. seriously, i'm not. i just adore him and i think he's godlike, based on several (not -all-) of the sandman arcs, but i wouldn't like-- follow him around and ask him to sign my boobies or anything.
though i -did- get Really Really Excited when i saw ivy in nyc this fall (eeeeeeeee~!!!! IVY!!!!! I CAN DIE HAPPY NOW!! -- yes, that was me). but um. yah. *coughs* i feel all sorts of warm fuzzies for ivy and aja and silvia and you-know-who-you-all-are, but like-- er... that's just me, being an over-excitable obsessive t00b. now, a lot of people would say that's fan behavior. but it's an emotional, sincere thing for me. i honestly adore their work and what i can see of them as human beings. they're like my heroes, because they write things that make me happy and thus make the world a little bit better (ehehehe and yes it's all about me, indeed, ehehehehe). but not really, because that implies a sort of girl-scout thing where they're the scout masters and i'm the scout. i don't know how to explain it, quite.
it's so much easier to know what you're -not- rather than what you -are-. i yam what i yam, as popeye would say~:)
mostly, it's not the music. i just... wish my more extreme, loud, abrasive self was more obvious, i wish people could see it, because mostly, they don't. i so want to be like tank girl, delirium, ani difranco, just-- i dunno. someone in-your-face and bitchy and strong, and unafraid of anything, and always herself. because... well... i am. i hate it that i'm always seen as sweet and kind and meek and mousy and gentle. it makes me want to -scream-. i have all this fire and anger and energy, and it's all bottled up and washed under, most of the time, by the calm still waters of soft-spokenness and gentility. not that it's false-- i'm not secretly mean or anything.
because even when i sing, i sing really softly. i have, for most of my life, anyway, unless i'm really really -really- alone. only recently have i learned to sing loudly, because i -want- to. there's this huge part of me that wants to be bloody -loud-. i want to -change- things, i want to make a difference, i want to sing on the top of my lungs and not be "sweet" just because i'm quiet. because quiet isn't sweet. quiet is just subdued. even tori-- she's not about quiet, to me. neither is sarah, or fiona. they're all about tearing yourself open and being honest and free, and that's not quiet. they're -singing-. and that's not quiet. *sigh* i don't even like ac/dc (seriously now. they act/look/sound like morons, if you think about it). but i like (pretty) noise~:)
~~
i also wanted to mention the fur-trees. they're so pretty with the tufts of snow on them. they seem made for snow. i could see every needle, such a pretty olive-green. it made me tingle. is it just me? is it just me who could live for music and for fur-trees? i mean, people kill themselves because there's nothing left. i don't understand, not completely. i get depressed, -really- depressed. but i could never want to totally -stop- while there is the sublime pleasure of the visual and audible world, wrapping around me. at my worst, i was always in love with the world, and not only with words and ideas and concepts. i could let them go. i could let go every word, every poem, every painting, if the source of it all would remain, if i could keep the colors and the light and the tingly wind and the harsh beat of drums. all i need is to feel myself a part of them. even in the midst of winter (which i hate), i can't bring myself to reject the world, because it is always so beautiful i feel like i'm dying from overload, except i'm not. i'm living. it's all living. and way before i ever met someone i could say i loved, i knew this was it. this was love. how can you say you never loved? you, who have been outside, who's seen a sunset, who's seen the snow drift over pine-needles. it is everywhere, wrapped around everything, suffusing the world like light. with even the memory of it.... i feel a happiness that has nothing to do with being the opposite of sadness. maybe it's just the heady thrum of existence, which is neither this nor that but is perhaps... like an affirmation. like the wind is whispering "yes", even as it chills you to the bone.
~~
i did rant a bit, on the subject of whether it's "too fannish" to join a fanlisting of aja's luw. this brings up all sorts of issues i have with the very concept of being a "fan" of something in the first place, such as, er... me not wanting to be a fan, because i consider the concept too reminiscent of cliques and high-schoolish identity politics and stuff like that.
i did join the luw list, back in the day, which isn't all that far from a "fanlisting" if you want to put it like that, but. that was back before livejournal, and i just wanted to keep up with new chapters. i'm very utilitarian about lists. plus i don't -mind- discussing a favorite work. just as long as it's not a decorative "look i'm a fan" sort of thing.
i agree with
ishuca's take on it. i just like things, big-name or not-big-name. the idea that because i rec aja and ivy and zahra and silvia and maya and so on, i could be seen as some sort of "groupie" or something, disturbs me. i think she was talking about the present hubbub on the `hp outer circle' list, which is frankly starting to bore me, because of course, it's getting into fandom politics, which is inevitable because a) it was started by people on the fringes of fandom; b) it's made up of human beings.no one really -cared- who started the list, and i suppose in the spirit of egalitarianism, one shouldn't, but seriously, i think who's in charge of a good concept is as important as the concept. i think discussion of who's a "big name fan" and who isn't is completely offensive in regard to fics. though in their defense they were saying they want to introduce people to fics they haven't heard of. which is fine and good, but.... honestly, my concept of intelligent fic discussion isn't -about- reccing, but rather being blunt and uncensored about any fic, heard of or not. it's true that there are a lot of unknown writers out there, but honestly, if they're not at least -somewhat- well-known, they are probably not all -that- good. there -is- such a thing as word of mouth.
for example. i've heard of 95% of all the hp fic writers on my friends list within about 2 months of each other. does that make them all bnf's? i admit i read a lot of fic and i have an ability to sort and remember and cross-link and follow up recs and references, but really. if you post things in public forums, if you have friends and comment on other people's things, you're not really "unknown". and er, i know this, because damn, but people keep adding me steadily, and i don't even -have- a big wip right now.
but yes. the ins and outs of `fandom' have always disturbed me. i don't like the idea that i'm a part of it. i want to be `famous'-- ie, i want a large number of people to read my fics (wheeee! readers!) but that's not the same as wanting to be "big" in the "fandom". i want readers, not minions. fandom and "fan" is too close to minion, to me. i'm not anyone's minion. i'm really close to being neil's minion, but um. seriously, i'm not. i just adore him and i think he's godlike, based on several (not -all-) of the sandman arcs, but i wouldn't like-- follow him around and ask him to sign my boobies or anything.
though i -did- get Really Really Excited when i saw ivy in nyc this fall (eeeeeeeee~!!!! IVY!!!!! I CAN DIE HAPPY NOW!! -- yes, that was me). but um. yah. *coughs* i feel all sorts of warm fuzzies for ivy and aja and silvia and you-know-who-you-all-are, but like-- er... that's just me, being an over-excitable obsessive t00b. now, a lot of people would say that's fan behavior. but it's an emotional, sincere thing for me. i honestly adore their work and what i can see of them as human beings. they're like my heroes, because they write things that make me happy and thus make the world a little bit better (ehehehe and yes it's all about me, indeed, ehehehehe). but not really, because that implies a sort of girl-scout thing where they're the scout masters and i'm the scout. i don't know how to explain it, quite.
it's so much easier to know what you're -not- rather than what you -are-. i yam what i yam, as popeye would say~:)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-02-07 06:59 pm (UTC)i only know people because of my one month of rabid multi-fandom consumption this past may. also, smallville, and a good memory for names (as long as i saw them written and not heard).
when i explained the theory of a "lurker" ie, an unknown fandom person to my mom she was like, "those must be the people who have nothing to say", eheheh.
which scares me. these hordes of people who have nothing to contribute. did the aliens steal their brains?? one wonders.
or it could be that i babble so much that the universe of un-babble is just that alien to me. but er... yes. we can always call for egalitarianism (i keep using that word today), and all that, but people are people, and people are jealous when other people give some people attention. because -they- want attention, or they think the bnf's are "unworthy", and of course only the Worthy Ones must be praised, you see. your god is stupid, go look at MY god!! ahahahah. etc.
even though it's human nature to put people -on- pedestals, as well as knock them down. we're all schizoid like that, and we pretend we don't like it even though we do.
so i'm saying, even though it's silly, it ain't going away, you know.