reenka

seeing

holographis ask how does one justify harry & draco falling in love, considering harry doesn't care what draco does as long as he stays out of his way, and have them remain in character, i realized.... well. i do, a lot of the time, talk about archetypes and yin and yang and the possibilities of transformative passion and needing your shadow and needing someone who will see you unsentimentally and the way one loves the wrong people, and the way the wrong thing can be the right thing... and so on.

but when it comes to actually -writing- a "how harry & draco got together" story, i'm equally stuck. i mean, i've read a really large number of them now. and i daresay i believe in them as much as is sane and maybe moreso. still, i come across the same problem. they resist it. they don't want to. i'm so aware of pitfalls and cliches, and so aware that if i cheat-- ie, use a potion or some sort of cataclysmic event, or a war, or something-- i'd be cheating and pretending i'm getting them together, just draco and harry, whereas i wouldn't be, really.

it's just funny, isn't it? that i think i really believe in them, but i can't write it. does that mean i don't -really- believe? something's missing then, isn't it.
of course, i hobble myself, with all the caveats. it has to be in hogwarts. they have to not be forced by magic or circumstance. i think a part of me even has "harry has to -like- draco" as a sort of auxiliary point that would be good. because of the whole, if they're not at all friends, i would be writing a doomed romance, and i refuse to write a doomed romance about them.

i can write really passionate essays, and do, every time the "why harry/draco" question gets even remotely mentioned, but... when it comes to -imagining- it, i feel impotent. it's weird. i'm in awe of the writers whose mind could wrap around this and actually -do- it. it's like, a feat, really. most of them don't attempt it, so i don't feel -too- bad. mostly, people are satisfied with sudden onset of lust scenarios, with "draco joins the good guys" and "draco is sad and harry thinks, wait, draco isn't evil" and with "harry is desperate for some darkness because he's become disillusioned with light". all of this is good and i enjoy reading it, but i can't write it-- i mean, i can... but what would be the point?

every harry/draco story -has-, has, -has- to have the one cliche of "draco does something that isn't annoying and/or offensive to harry". every single one i can think of has that. except for the ones where it -doesn't- happen, and draco just dominates harry's will somehow-- blackmail, lust, it's all the same. my favorite stories kind of make it subtle, so that it's not -why- they're together, it's just... one reason. like in `love under will', you can hardly blame everything on the rose. though without the rose none of it would've happened, you can't really equate the origin of harry & draco with a rose. this is what makes it a good fic, i think.

but anyway. it bothers me that i can't write it, really. but as obsessed as i always was with romance, i was never really all that good/successful at being a romance writer. not enough experience with other people and psychology and such. and love. just books and stuff. i usually write about failed love, far-away love, wished-for love, remembered love, and so on. i dance around it, because to touch it would be like trying to touch the flame. i didn't feel ready.
i'm getting closer. maybe. i dunno. it's been half a year and i'm "almost there", i can almost write a "how they got together" story. it's a challenge, though. i mean-- i have to craft reality to suit my dreams, even fictional reality. i have to convince -myself- first of all, and i'm a tough critic (of myself).

sometimes i think that justification is the wrong angle to look at it, but i can't help myself. it's so central to my philosophy. i can't help using my stories as outlets for my philosophy, really. i was thinking that `the rose' is a great song to base a love-story on. harry/draco or any other. i really do think that this ideal of love is worth it, even as hard as it is to capture-- and because it's so hard to capture, and make believable. it's writing about the triumph of the human spirit, really. so i guess even if it takes me years, i can be happy if i finally did achieve a portrait of that.