~~and all you have to fear is fear itself...

[reenka]

there's something about some fics that just really seems to take over my -mind-. i mean, i just got an email, and it was directed towards -me- obviously, but it felt -weird- and -alien- because like, it's not part of the story. i'm seriously spazzing out with the stress. ahahahah, wow, this is really recommending the fic to you all, i'm sure, but. yah. it really is -about- a lot of stressfully, horribly panicky, tense, depressed, frightened people and i've been reading it for -hours- now, and it can't help but get to you, especially when you're doing it all in one sitting (just three chapters, i thought!)

so. i'm sharing my semi-misery, because i'm just nice like that. the fic is `ruses', and it's just one of the many semi-badfic recs from saber shadowkitten's page. i've been getting somewhat desperate for new fic to feed my flagging obsession (must not have obsessions flag, you know). plus it's vacation and i don't want to think. as is evidenced by my not finishing my slashfic meta post from yesterday. i'll probably post it tomorrow.

has anyone read that fic? if so, did it take over your mind? it's really doing a number on me. it's just so... tense. harry's slowly cracking, and it's a little too realistic. i'm getting this feeling of opressive doom, and it's like... well... scary. i don't usually read horror fic, and i don't like it, but this isn't horror, unless you think emotional torture and fear is horrific. and it's not the usual "draco doesn't love me" or vice versa fear/torture, it's more just this collection of circumstances and extreme amounts of guilt and dead people haunting you without actually haunting you, and secrets and more guilt, and how keeping secrets can really drive you insane.

it's sort of like edgar allan poe's `the tell-tale heart', except it's a lot longer. it has lots of really vivid nightmares in it-- not the sort where people die, but just the sort that make you afraid they're real and everyone -is- out to get you. or at least the person you're most afraid of.
    anyway. this is a weird, new sensation for me. i don't really read thrillers or horror novels, as i said. tension for me is usually of the emotional angst variety. and don't get me wrong, this is emotional angst, it's just not coming from internal sources, which adds a lot of notches to the fear factor. in `artful facade', there was a similar dynamic in the latest chapter, but there wasn't as much of it, and there was much more humor and silliness. still, killing someone in a fic where you're not evil or in a war, and are still just a `normal student' for all intents and purposes, is one of the most frightening things i can think of. not being in danger of death, but having killed.

this is really the root of harry's anxiety in so many fics, where he's going nigh insane because of cedric. if he blamed himself-- if he thought he basically killed cedric-- well, that is really a good source of mental devastation. imagine if you killed someone without meaning to. there are probably worse feelings, overall, but not many.
    anyway. that was a really weird fic-rec, if that's what this was. but really. gah. i can't even stop and read fluff instead. it'd just feel -wrong-. i need to know. gah. good thing i don't read many psychological thrillers is all i can say....

Comments

[sympathetic-ink.livejournal.com]

Taking over your mind like you don't know what to think and do and say and be: like walking in a dream and not actually being a part of anything, of life.

That's what it's been like for me: you're letter was like that for me, like you gave me a piece of yourself and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with it. Like I'm all fingers and thumbs and fear.

It was like being on the plane on the way to Melbourne to meet Ish, to walk up to her in the airport and put my arms around her, hug her, while the whole world doesn't feel real.

Like an emptiness that won't go away and won't rest and won't be still in its anger.

::sigh::

I'm my own little tangent today.

*hug*

Love, Amy

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

*laughs a bit hysterically* at least you know what i mean!
*hugs back* tangents are a good thing. my `tangent' fic is growing and reproducing, and i'm so happy because it's not a gift fic, finally~!
i'm making up the plot (such as it is) all by myself. ah, the glory~!~:)

but yes. the unreality when some vague (it's worse when it's vague or unvoiced) anxiety eats at you.
it becomes more real than anything, which is weird because anxiety and emptiness are by definitions -lacking- in reality and fullness.
but it's kind of creepy to see things addressed to you (me? yes, me... reena, not harry potter... ahahah).....and y'know, feel a bit unconnected to them.
but it always passes, at least. fics end. i have my plush harry to reassure me, and no i don't talk to him -too- much, or at least, he doesn't answer back, which is reassuring even more >:D<

and wow. i didn't think... i'm sorry if i disturbed you ><
i was feeling kinda good and happy at the time, but i suppose my life isn't the most cuddly of things, if one brings it up at all ><;;
but i'm vicariously happy you met & had fun with ishuca. hee. that -is- more real than creepy fics. it really is >:D<

i do know that~:)
*laughs*

~reena

[sympathetic-ink.livejournal.com]

No, no, no, no -- you didn't disturb me: it's just, you made me think, deeply: about myself, about you, about the world and how it wraps you up in you're own mind.

Having fun with ishuca -- two days down, two to go.

Will write back to you very soon. Very, very soon.

Love, Amy

[ishuca.livejournal.com]

we are LJing side by side.

it is so amazing i am afraid i might burst from it all.

and... i read that fic. and felt exactly as you described it. exactly. i wanted to forget it, and then not, and then- yes.

i haven't read your "tangent" fic yet- i've got a list of stuff i must read that i'm compiling- but i'm really looking forward to reading it.

as for talking to your stuffed harry- amy can tell you i've been mumbling nonsense to my new stuffed wombat, so you're not alone. and really, talking to a stuffed harry makes infinite amounts more sense than my wombat.

and you know- your life might not be cuddly - life so rarely is. but *you* are. cuddly, and prickly, and wonderful in painful and brilliant ways that make me think of you at times when i see things. like- there was the most beautiful rose mary and i saw in sydney, and you were there, in my thoughts. like the rain that was falling from petal to petal.

finally- if you think amy and i meeting is great, just wait until i meet you. i have determined that it will happen. just ask amy what happens when i get determined.

YES!!

[courteney.livejournal.com]

I read that fic a couple of weeks ago and it played with my mind in exactly the way you are describing here. I basically devoured the fic in a need to know how it ended but during the times when I couldn't read it, I worried about it - about Harry, about Draco, about how they were going to get through this. I don't think any other fic I've read has consumed my thoughts as much as that one did (except perhaps the kiss in the DT). The thing that I felt was a little macabre was the way Draco would wear his father as a pendant around his neck and constantly fiddle with it. I was with Harry on that one, it creeped me right out.

Hope you make it through to the end okay *smiles*