~~depth without focus.
Dec. 9th, 2002 05:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkai get the most insistent feeling that this is all a waste of time. ok, i know it is. well, not necessarily writing, but thinking and thinking and letting one subject dominate me like that. i mean, there are many other things of interest, and actually normally i would ramble on about them quite randomly. but there's just something about having a `fandom journal' that i write in this much, that's scary. i mean, few people do it, and there's probably good reason, it being that they probably have lives, or something like that.
i was always obsessed with love a little too much, but this is sort of embarrassing. i mean, i step back a little and here i am, writing ceaselessly about these characters that aren't even all that deep except in my head. i mean, i could write one long 50 page paper and get it out of my system, and it'd be healthier than posting again and again for months now. shouldn't any broad-minded person have gotten deathly bored of themselves by now? well, i don't usually get bored with myself, but still.
this is semi-provoked by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rhoddlet's post, but really... i don't need provocation to feel like i'm blabbering on about nothing, because well-- i know i am (even though she said i'm not, actually, heh).
it's just sort of, the strange temptation of looking at the world through one focus.
it's not just -them-, it's everyone and it's everything. aja said at one point that she loves h/d because you can go anywhere with them, characterize them in a myriad different ways, make their relationship do almost anything. of course, in the end, it's still love. i could be thinking-- should be thinking-- about... other stuff. and i am. still my brain feels a bit fried if i try to always link it to h/d in the end, which i admit i have been, haven't i.
i miss thinking about 19th century poets and atomic physics and comparative theology and the whys behind the development of certain quirks in mongolian culture or whatever. i miss writing poems about myself and not about harry/draco. it seems like yourself isn't something you can easily forget in favor of make-believe characters, but that's never been true for me. reading/writing fanfiction, while useful and good as an exercise, sort of cramps certain muscles, certain channels i'm used to using, makes my brain tense, like it needs a good stretch after sitting still too long.
i'm afraid that if anyone were to read all these entries at once, they'd think my interests were confined to (the philosophy and psychology of) adolescent schoolboys, crushes, love and maybe writing. i'm afraid -i- am starting to think that about myself, though i know it's not true. i realize this is merely a question of balance, but i've never been good at that. this is such an insulated community-- online hp fandom i mean, large as it is. one can get all comfy within it and for a bit, forget who you even were back when none of it was a blip on the radar.
my interests easily take me over. i remember months when all i was interested in doing was web-design. i just fiddled with my webpage day after day, trying to tweak it to some non-existent stardard of perfection, and of course it never got there. when i'm just-- normal-- it seems like i could go insane from lack of outlets to direct my manic energy at. so i mean, obviously i get over these things, though sometimes it takes a while. i remember my star trek phase. i wasn't just -into- it-- i wanted to live it. jim & spock & starfleet & that future were -everything- to me. i was going to name my future daughter amanda because spock's human mother was named amanda and i wanted the name to be in the "family" so that maybe someday there'd be an amanda and she'd be amanda greyson and she could be spock's mother. not that i believed it. but it didn't hurt to try.
still, all of it is much more in perspective when you actually get feedback, other people who are into it, but less so. i didn't know any other trekkers. i was the alpha and omega of trek. and honestly, it's not like i'm the biggest "fan" ever-- i know i'm not. it's just that these things have such a huge influence on my -imagination-, my scope, the type of things i imagine, and it's scary, kind of. i don't like being this greatly influenced.
not that i can just -stop-. but being a "fan" is still a scary concept. i'm easily impassioned about things, and i get really into things, but making your admiration for something a part of your outer personality, i find somewhat disturbing, even though it's extremely common in many subtle ways. like, fashion trends-- they make "fans" out of anyone who follows them. i hate that. i hate being controlled by some sort of mass-produced meme, to the extent that it stifles and interferes with my own natural imagination, even if i interpret in in a unique way.
this is probably why i'm not a goth, not a hippie, not a socialist, not a nerd or a geek (gah, that hurts), not an anarchist, not a pagan, not an english major (well, even though i am). not an hp fan. but i'm completely fascinated and drawn to all these things, the sense of belonging, the sense of community, the sense of identity. i never felt all that certain of my identity-- and pretty sure i didn't want to derive it from others, from the outside-- though of course it's not like i can help it.
not an hp fan. i don't even know what that means. you can probably be called a fan just if you like -anything- about something. or maybe if you -think- about liking it a good amount. or maybe if you interact with it and it captures your imagination. so all i could ever say was that i'm no a -blind- fan or really an -admirer- of jkr, or of a lot of her characters, or even of harry or draco separately. i'm a neil gaiman fan, and a sandman and delirium and tim hunter fan, because i think they're brilliant and to hell with it all i -like- saying i'm their fan, because their goodness rubs off on me, if i like it~:)
and um. being a redemptionista only means that love can set us free, but really it's an ideal, something one can be on the -path- to, i don't expect it to -happen-, i just like imagining how it -could- happen. i really disagree with those people who think redemption is some sort of concrete -thing-, like it happens if you go to church or if you're nice to your boyfriend and forgive him his sins. you can never really -arrive- there, you can only decide to let go of your preconceptions and decide to -live- and let yourself be open.
~~
anyway.
wah,epicyclical made it all better, with the question of whether keats and shelley were sleeping together or not. *giggles* they are -so-, h/d. hee.
EDIT - ivy wrote `writ on water', which is the most delightful keats/shelley slash ever-- okay, it may also be the first and -only- keats/shelley slash ever. but, mmmmrrrrrrr.
awww, twue wuv.
``Ivy: who can be in love with someone called Fanny anyway?"
andhackthis wrote `never is a promise', so um. yah, i can always re-read it and have a good cry and feel cleansed. or something.
i was always obsessed with love a little too much, but this is sort of embarrassing. i mean, i step back a little and here i am, writing ceaselessly about these characters that aren't even all that deep except in my head. i mean, i could write one long 50 page paper and get it out of my system, and it'd be healthier than posting again and again for months now. shouldn't any broad-minded person have gotten deathly bored of themselves by now? well, i don't usually get bored with myself, but still.
this is semi-provoked by
rhoddlet's post, but really... i don't need provocation to feel like i'm blabbering on about nothing, because well-- i know i am (even though she said i'm not, actually, heh).it's just sort of, the strange temptation of looking at the world through one focus.
it's not just -them-, it's everyone and it's everything. aja said at one point that she loves h/d because you can go anywhere with them, characterize them in a myriad different ways, make their relationship do almost anything. of course, in the end, it's still love. i could be thinking-- should be thinking-- about... other stuff. and i am. still my brain feels a bit fried if i try to always link it to h/d in the end, which i admit i have been, haven't i.
i miss thinking about 19th century poets and atomic physics and comparative theology and the whys behind the development of certain quirks in mongolian culture or whatever. i miss writing poems about myself and not about harry/draco. it seems like yourself isn't something you can easily forget in favor of make-believe characters, but that's never been true for me. reading/writing fanfiction, while useful and good as an exercise, sort of cramps certain muscles, certain channels i'm used to using, makes my brain tense, like it needs a good stretch after sitting still too long.
i'm afraid that if anyone were to read all these entries at once, they'd think my interests were confined to (the philosophy and psychology of) adolescent schoolboys, crushes, love and maybe writing. i'm afraid -i- am starting to think that about myself, though i know it's not true. i realize this is merely a question of balance, but i've never been good at that. this is such an insulated community-- online hp fandom i mean, large as it is. one can get all comfy within it and for a bit, forget who you even were back when none of it was a blip on the radar.
my interests easily take me over. i remember months when all i was interested in doing was web-design. i just fiddled with my webpage day after day, trying to tweak it to some non-existent stardard of perfection, and of course it never got there. when i'm just-- normal-- it seems like i could go insane from lack of outlets to direct my manic energy at. so i mean, obviously i get over these things, though sometimes it takes a while. i remember my star trek phase. i wasn't just -into- it-- i wanted to live it. jim & spock & starfleet & that future were -everything- to me. i was going to name my future daughter amanda because spock's human mother was named amanda and i wanted the name to be in the "family" so that maybe someday there'd be an amanda and she'd be amanda greyson and she could be spock's mother. not that i believed it. but it didn't hurt to try.
still, all of it is much more in perspective when you actually get feedback, other people who are into it, but less so. i didn't know any other trekkers. i was the alpha and omega of trek. and honestly, it's not like i'm the biggest "fan" ever-- i know i'm not. it's just that these things have such a huge influence on my -imagination-, my scope, the type of things i imagine, and it's scary, kind of. i don't like being this greatly influenced.
not that i can just -stop-. but being a "fan" is still a scary concept. i'm easily impassioned about things, and i get really into things, but making your admiration for something a part of your outer personality, i find somewhat disturbing, even though it's extremely common in many subtle ways. like, fashion trends-- they make "fans" out of anyone who follows them. i hate that. i hate being controlled by some sort of mass-produced meme, to the extent that it stifles and interferes with my own natural imagination, even if i interpret in in a unique way.
this is probably why i'm not a goth, not a hippie, not a socialist, not a nerd or a geek (gah, that hurts), not an anarchist, not a pagan, not an english major (well, even though i am). not an hp fan. but i'm completely fascinated and drawn to all these things, the sense of belonging, the sense of community, the sense of identity. i never felt all that certain of my identity-- and pretty sure i didn't want to derive it from others, from the outside-- though of course it's not like i can help it.
not an hp fan. i don't even know what that means. you can probably be called a fan just if you like -anything- about something. or maybe if you -think- about liking it a good amount. or maybe if you interact with it and it captures your imagination. so all i could ever say was that i'm no a -blind- fan or really an -admirer- of jkr, or of a lot of her characters, or even of harry or draco separately. i'm a neil gaiman fan, and a sandman and delirium and tim hunter fan, because i think they're brilliant and to hell with it all i -like- saying i'm their fan, because their goodness rubs off on me, if i like it~:)
and um. being a redemptionista only means that love can set us free, but really it's an ideal, something one can be on the -path- to, i don't expect it to -happen-, i just like imagining how it -could- happen. i really disagree with those people who think redemption is some sort of concrete -thing-, like it happens if you go to church or if you're nice to your boyfriend and forgive him his sins. you can never really -arrive- there, you can only decide to let go of your preconceptions and decide to -live- and let yourself be open.
~~
anyway.
wah,
epicyclical made it all better, with the question of whether keats and shelley were sleeping together or not. *giggles* they are -so-, h/d. hee. EDIT - ivy wrote `writ on water', which is the most delightful keats/shelley slash ever-- okay, it may also be the first and -only- keats/shelley slash ever. but, mmmmrrrrrrr.
awww, twue wuv.
``Ivy: who can be in love with someone called Fanny anyway?"
and
hackthis wrote `never is a promise', so um. yah, i can always re-read it and have a good cry and feel cleansed. or something.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 04:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 04:38 pm (UTC)ahahaha
um.
like, i still -like- thinking about poetry and physics, i just don't give myself the chance. if you gave yourself the chance, you wouldn't risk overloading and frying your brain on hp lurve sometime soon, and you'd actually have a fresher mind to bring into the fandom~:)
i hope anyway~:)
Re:
Date: 2002-12-09 05:03 pm (UTC)