~~meta!reena.
Dec. 8th, 2002 08:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkait's not that i'm `deep' or particularly coherent or anything, but i can't seem to stop. it's like, there doesn't seem to be much else to do with my head except think. of course, most people think about their life, and i kind of avoid that whole can of worms. my life kind of boggles me more than any existential question i can possibly come up with. and now, with the term wound down and with the winter looming, i feel more and more confined to my head, since it's horrid outside. it's not that i hate snow-- it's just that i hate it being -everywhere-. why can't it be confined to some sort of preserve? i can go visit it. yes. i will admit to hating cold, however. and heat. i also hate little puppies, why do you ask?
no one seems to be as into it as me. i mean, ok, some people are, but no one is -as- obsessed with mulling over the Nature of whatever it is i'm obsessed with at the time, 24/7. i dunno. probably one should get enough of that in classes. classes are dependent on the a) professor; b) students. some professors are wonderful, but most students are stupid, so the professor winds up either tailoring their lectures to their students' level, or it's just pure spouting, no discussion. and spouting without discussion is the same as reading a book. which is why it's so in vogue among some geeks i know to say that they don't need school, they could just read the books.
right now, i could be reading, or writing, or getting my whistling tea-kettle. instead i'm letting the damn thing whistle and trying to get to my point, which is taking awhile, as always.
if anyone -does- ponder and write and angst, they're just lost in their own head too. i mean, it's not a group activity, now is it. i've seen others... ok, well, lately,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
monochromal-- seems to do this whole brooding, thinking, free-associating thing that i do, but it seems a lonely process. something one does alone. maybe that's why no one really responds-- it feels as though one's invading someone else's personal mind-space.
the tea-kettle's still whistling. it wants me.
should i go get it, or try to get to the point and -then- get it?
grr. choices, choices. i'm no good at choices. i hate multiple-choice quizzes. just give me actual small essay-questions-- i'll take forever answering, but have less angst. heh.
ok, tea-kettle it is. w00t!
now i have tea. and look, i'm talking about myself. the world has ended. i feel so ... naked. *smirks*
anyway. the point was (initially), that i wish more people had a point. ha. what i mean is, in fics (which, unlike journals, one hopes are expressing more intransient things), i still find that the majority are empty of deeper meaning. i mean, i read them, and i feel entertained, but i'd probably have more fun watching tv, it's just that i've acclimatized to reading and the tv seems `stupid', whereas these fics are equally stupid. i wish fics about harry & draco made a -statement-, something worth -saying- about harry & draco, not just blind pointless wittering about how they could get over themselves enough to shag. this is coming from a person who -loves- pointless porn, btw. of course, a lot of these fics are pg13, so like, yah. more pointless than pointless.
and you know what? i'm not excluding myself here. i wish -i- had a point. i initially wrote `one good reason', trying to make a statement about h&d-- i then realized i had nothing to say. i have a lot to say about them, and yet it's like-- it doesn't really shine through in what i write, i don't think. *sigh* i think i'm getting -better-, but still i'm mostly just entertaining myself and wasting time. i called it `one good reason' because i meant for it to be a reason, a thesis almost. `why harry & draco should (yes, should) be together.' also, it was inspired by a hole lyric, and i thought `give me one [good] reason to be beautiful' was something i could see (my) draco feeling.
i tip my hat to all of you who have a point. this is why i'm so enamoured with blabbering about the Trilogy, and `love under will' and `irresistible poison' and why i love reviewing zahra's fics, and ivy's, and sky's, and amalin's, and so on. i love being allowed to -think-, because while it comes easily, i too (like everyone else) avoid it if i can. and if i do, i feel about as heavy and blob-like and undefined and apathetic and lost as draco from `atrophy'. *sigh* i may not be in love with harry, but i'm in love with ideas. they make me move. and yah, i'll admit, i'm in love with love and beauty, but not just in a giggly, pleasure-seeking way. i want it all to -mean- something, and i want to know what that something is.
and yah, right now all i want out of life is a house by the sea, with the south side being one huge window, looking out onto ocean, where i could sit on my bed in the loft, and lean against the window, and draw the sun setting. and think about their great and t00by love, in relation to life, the universe, and everything.
~~
and now, back to being a complete dork who wastes her time reading pointless nonsense.
EDIT -
1. my procrastination knows no beginning and no end.
2. i make a horrid amount of typos because i type without thinking.
3. rather like i do everything else.
4. if i don't do it immediately, i may only do it in a month. or never.
5. this is why i suck as a beta, and at answering email.
6. i like lists, really, since my mind's so disorganized.
7. i like tea-- the weirder the better
8. i wanna live in england, but i dislike the idea of moving to another country.
9. actually, i just wanna live in faery, and be a princess and do magic and, and...
10. i am unrealistic, when i'm not being all practical.
11. for everything i am, i am its exact opposite.
12. i am very, very, very contrary.
13. i used to like that hour of country they had on vh1.
14. i like to eat meat, but vaccilate between horror at hurting living things and feeling like i'm some primeval huntress. except i'm too chicken to hunt.
15. i want a garden.
16. i want to be a writer, except that i feel stupid and impractical when i say that.
17. i used to want to save the world and be a scientist and join starfleet-- all at the same time.
18. i really am as overly romantic and schmoopy as i seem.
19. when i'm not being cynical.
20. i don't think i'm mysterious at all. i don't know -why- anyone thinks that.
21. i find most people boring, but endearing, but annoying.
22. i have a love/hate relationship with new york.
23. urban fantasy is arguably my favorite genre.
24. though you could say i hate cities.
25. i've lived in cities all my life.
26. i'm a style slut, but i like action and plot and excitement and danger and big boobs, too.
27. i'm as obsessive as you think i am.
28. i fall in love easily, except that i doubt myself a lot and never get anywhere.
29. i never get over -anything-, for all my blabbering on about forgiveness and redemption.
30. i've only ever really wanted to hurt one person in my life, and i've never even met him.
31. i'm a pacifist, but i think ritualized hand-to-hand combat and sword-fighting are sexy.
32. i love japan and japanese culture with an unreasoning passion.
33. i am a huge sucker for sushi. narcissa's sushi h/d story really hit the spot.
34. i worship genius humorists much more than some dark, brooding geniuses like say, kafka.
35. i look at girl's boobs before i look at their eyes.
36. yes, i really am shallow.
37. i've always been obsessed with female bodies, clothed and unclothed, but was still boy-crazy.
38. i like fashion magazines because of said female bodies.
39. nothing is as painful to me to read as really bad porn. not even really bad sap.
40. i'm really affectionate but i can't show it most of the time.
41. affectionate people freak me out, but i like them.
42. mean people are sexy.
43. i too, wish i was a hot gay male wizard. doesn't everyone?
44. i think it'd be cute to still be boy-crazy when i'm 90.
45. i wanna live a really long time and not go insane.
46. i want to discover the secret to life, the universe, and everything.
47. i still couldn't tell you if there's anything or anyone worth dying for.
48. i'm spiritually schmoopy but i'm an atheist.
49. i don't think god is love but i think poetry is holy.
50. i believe in fairy-tales, except i don't.
51. i want to be popular, if only because i like attention, but i don't think i want to do the work.
52. i am a complete, raging hedonist.
53. i'm messy, but obsessive-compulsive about organizing.
54. me and my mom are really good friends, and always have been. she gets my jokes and i get hers.
55. i wish i was funny more than i wish i was beautiful.
56. i want to be beautiful, so beautiful i blind people-- a faerie goddess with silver hair and purple eyes and delicate features and tiny perfect breasts.
57. i think big boobs are the bane of a girl's existence.
58. i want long hair, like a puppy, except i couldn't take care of it.
59. i miss my father a lot, but i didn't really know him. i think he'd get me, though.
60. i used to imagine my father was the king of unicorns in his own magical country.
61. i believe i have `the One' whom i'm destined to find-- i came up with this by myself, and believed it, like a personal religion, when i was a teenager
62. i semi-believed all sorts of fairy tales i told myself. emphasize the -semi-.
63. i'm actually painfully sane, just lazy and imaginative.
64. i'm scared of being insane more than death, more than almost anything except the planet blowing up.
65. i really hate mean people. yes they're sexy, but i hate them. they ruin everything.
66 -really- mean people aren't sexy. they have bombs and they hurt children and they suck.
67. i second-guess most things, except my belief in life, love, beauty, art, poetry, magic, passion, kindness and hope.
68. i need to believe.
69. i really like 80s new-wave pop.
70. naked is better.
71. i'd be an anarchist, except i'm too aware of what works and what doesn't.
72. i like being from a communist country, because i can laugh at silly american communists.
73. i had a happy childhood.
74. i'm a sucker for girly things and sparkles and accessories of all kinds.
75. i wish i was, i wish i was, i wish i was, has always been my mantra.
76. i hate mundanity with a horrid passion.
77. i think i can heal people, but ultimately i'm not that altruistic.
78. i'm actually pretty selfish.
79. i like to think i'm pretty aware of my faults, really.
80. i'm really much more rebellious and mischievous than i seem.
81. i like climbing things.
89. i love the ocean inexpressibly much.
90. mmmm, chinese food.
91. sugar-addict here.
92. mmm, pretty paper and sparkly pens.
93. why can't everything be the way i want it to be? that is my question.
94. i hate whiny people, and i hate hypocrites, and i hate noise, and i hate, hate hate, i -hate- hate.
95. i always fall for the wrong sort.
96. i try not to regret, and fail horribly.
97. i don't live up to my own convictions most of the time, but then at least i'm aware of it.
98. i used to want peter pan to come get me.
99. my first love was spock. *smirk*
100. no one calls me reena in real life except one friend, but it's still my name.
no one seems to be as into it as me. i mean, ok, some people are, but no one is -as- obsessed with mulling over the Nature of whatever it is i'm obsessed with at the time, 24/7. i dunno. probably one should get enough of that in classes. classes are dependent on the a) professor; b) students. some professors are wonderful, but most students are stupid, so the professor winds up either tailoring their lectures to their students' level, or it's just pure spouting, no discussion. and spouting without discussion is the same as reading a book. which is why it's so in vogue among some geeks i know to say that they don't need school, they could just read the books.
right now, i could be reading, or writing, or getting my whistling tea-kettle. instead i'm letting the damn thing whistle and trying to get to my point, which is taking awhile, as always.
if anyone -does- ponder and write and angst, they're just lost in their own head too. i mean, it's not a group activity, now is it. i've seen others... ok, well, lately,
monochromal-- seems to do this whole brooding, thinking, free-associating thing that i do, but it seems a lonely process. something one does alone. maybe that's why no one really responds-- it feels as though one's invading someone else's personal mind-space.the tea-kettle's still whistling. it wants me.
should i go get it, or try to get to the point and -then- get it?
grr. choices, choices. i'm no good at choices. i hate multiple-choice quizzes. just give me actual small essay-questions-- i'll take forever answering, but have less angst. heh.
ok, tea-kettle it is. w00t!
now i have tea. and look, i'm talking about myself. the world has ended. i feel so ... naked. *smirks*
anyway. the point was (initially), that i wish more people had a point. ha. what i mean is, in fics (which, unlike journals, one hopes are expressing more intransient things), i still find that the majority are empty of deeper meaning. i mean, i read them, and i feel entertained, but i'd probably have more fun watching tv, it's just that i've acclimatized to reading and the tv seems `stupid', whereas these fics are equally stupid. i wish fics about harry & draco made a -statement-, something worth -saying- about harry & draco, not just blind pointless wittering about how they could get over themselves enough to shag. this is coming from a person who -loves- pointless porn, btw. of course, a lot of these fics are pg13, so like, yah. more pointless than pointless.
and you know what? i'm not excluding myself here. i wish -i- had a point. i initially wrote `one good reason', trying to make a statement about h&d-- i then realized i had nothing to say. i have a lot to say about them, and yet it's like-- it doesn't really shine through in what i write, i don't think. *sigh* i think i'm getting -better-, but still i'm mostly just entertaining myself and wasting time. i called it `one good reason' because i meant for it to be a reason, a thesis almost. `why harry & draco should (yes, should) be together.' also, it was inspired by a hole lyric, and i thought `give me one [good] reason to be beautiful' was something i could see (my) draco feeling.
i tip my hat to all of you who have a point. this is why i'm so enamoured with blabbering about the Trilogy, and `love under will' and `irresistible poison' and why i love reviewing zahra's fics, and ivy's, and sky's, and amalin's, and so on. i love being allowed to -think-, because while it comes easily, i too (like everyone else) avoid it if i can. and if i do, i feel about as heavy and blob-like and undefined and apathetic and lost as draco from `atrophy'. *sigh* i may not be in love with harry, but i'm in love with ideas. they make me move. and yah, i'll admit, i'm in love with love and beauty, but not just in a giggly, pleasure-seeking way. i want it all to -mean- something, and i want to know what that something is.
and yah, right now all i want out of life is a house by the sea, with the south side being one huge window, looking out onto ocean, where i could sit on my bed in the loft, and lean against the window, and draw the sun setting. and think about their great and t00by love, in relation to life, the universe, and everything.
~~
and now, back to being a complete dork who wastes her time reading pointless nonsense.
EDIT -
1. my procrastination knows no beginning and no end.
2. i make a horrid amount of typos because i type without thinking.
3. rather like i do everything else.
4. if i don't do it immediately, i may only do it in a month. or never.
5. this is why i suck as a beta, and at answering email.
6. i like lists, really, since my mind's so disorganized.
7. i like tea-- the weirder the better
8. i wanna live in england, but i dislike the idea of moving to another country.
9. actually, i just wanna live in faery, and be a princess and do magic and, and...
10. i am unrealistic, when i'm not being all practical.
11. for everything i am, i am its exact opposite.
12. i am very, very, very contrary.
13. i used to like that hour of country they had on vh1.
14. i like to eat meat, but vaccilate between horror at hurting living things and feeling like i'm some primeval huntress. except i'm too chicken to hunt.
15. i want a garden.
16. i want to be a writer, except that i feel stupid and impractical when i say that.
17. i used to want to save the world and be a scientist and join starfleet-- all at the same time.
18. i really am as overly romantic and schmoopy as i seem.
19. when i'm not being cynical.
20. i don't think i'm mysterious at all. i don't know -why- anyone thinks that.
21. i find most people boring, but endearing, but annoying.
22. i have a love/hate relationship with new york.
23. urban fantasy is arguably my favorite genre.
24. though you could say i hate cities.
25. i've lived in cities all my life.
26. i'm a style slut, but i like action and plot and excitement and danger and big boobs, too.
27. i'm as obsessive as you think i am.
28. i fall in love easily, except that i doubt myself a lot and never get anywhere.
29. i never get over -anything-, for all my blabbering on about forgiveness and redemption.
30. i've only ever really wanted to hurt one person in my life, and i've never even met him.
31. i'm a pacifist, but i think ritualized hand-to-hand combat and sword-fighting are sexy.
32. i love japan and japanese culture with an unreasoning passion.
33. i am a huge sucker for sushi. narcissa's sushi h/d story really hit the spot.
34. i worship genius humorists much more than some dark, brooding geniuses like say, kafka.
35. i look at girl's boobs before i look at their eyes.
36. yes, i really am shallow.
37. i've always been obsessed with female bodies, clothed and unclothed, but was still boy-crazy.
38. i like fashion magazines because of said female bodies.
39. nothing is as painful to me to read as really bad porn. not even really bad sap.
40. i'm really affectionate but i can't show it most of the time.
41. affectionate people freak me out, but i like them.
42. mean people are sexy.
43. i too, wish i was a hot gay male wizard. doesn't everyone?
44. i think it'd be cute to still be boy-crazy when i'm 90.
45. i wanna live a really long time and not go insane.
46. i want to discover the secret to life, the universe, and everything.
47. i still couldn't tell you if there's anything or anyone worth dying for.
48. i'm spiritually schmoopy but i'm an atheist.
49. i don't think god is love but i think poetry is holy.
50. i believe in fairy-tales, except i don't.
51. i want to be popular, if only because i like attention, but i don't think i want to do the work.
52. i am a complete, raging hedonist.
53. i'm messy, but obsessive-compulsive about organizing.
54. me and my mom are really good friends, and always have been. she gets my jokes and i get hers.
55. i wish i was funny more than i wish i was beautiful.
56. i want to be beautiful, so beautiful i blind people-- a faerie goddess with silver hair and purple eyes and delicate features and tiny perfect breasts.
57. i think big boobs are the bane of a girl's existence.
58. i want long hair, like a puppy, except i couldn't take care of it.
59. i miss my father a lot, but i didn't really know him. i think he'd get me, though.
60. i used to imagine my father was the king of unicorns in his own magical country.
61. i believe i have `the One' whom i'm destined to find-- i came up with this by myself, and believed it, like a personal religion, when i was a teenager
62. i semi-believed all sorts of fairy tales i told myself. emphasize the -semi-.
63. i'm actually painfully sane, just lazy and imaginative.
64. i'm scared of being insane more than death, more than almost anything except the planet blowing up.
65. i really hate mean people. yes they're sexy, but i hate them. they ruin everything.
66 -really- mean people aren't sexy. they have bombs and they hurt children and they suck.
67. i second-guess most things, except my belief in life, love, beauty, art, poetry, magic, passion, kindness and hope.
68. i need to believe.
69. i really like 80s new-wave pop.
70. naked is better.
71. i'd be an anarchist, except i'm too aware of what works and what doesn't.
72. i like being from a communist country, because i can laugh at silly american communists.
73. i had a happy childhood.
74. i'm a sucker for girly things and sparkles and accessories of all kinds.
75. i wish i was, i wish i was, i wish i was, has always been my mantra.
76. i hate mundanity with a horrid passion.
77. i think i can heal people, but ultimately i'm not that altruistic.
78. i'm actually pretty selfish.
79. i like to think i'm pretty aware of my faults, really.
80. i'm really much more rebellious and mischievous than i seem.
81. i like climbing things.
89. i love the ocean inexpressibly much.
90. mmmm, chinese food.
91. sugar-addict here.
92. mmm, pretty paper and sparkly pens.
93. why can't everything be the way i want it to be? that is my question.
94. i hate whiny people, and i hate hypocrites, and i hate noise, and i hate, hate hate, i -hate- hate.
95. i always fall for the wrong sort.
96. i try not to regret, and fail horribly.
97. i don't live up to my own convictions most of the time, but then at least i'm aware of it.
98. i used to want peter pan to come get me.
99. my first love was spock. *smirk*
100. no one calls me reena in real life except one friend, but it's still my name.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-12-08 07:27 pm (UTC)number 57. *yes*.
fucking breasts.
meh.
~i
do you just come up with 100 things about yourself? hum. could be a nice bit of procrastination there...
no subject
Date: 2002-12-09 04:44 pm (UTC)the funny thing is, i mean--
i'm never entirely innocent of the fact that it's -provocative- to talk about breasts, even if to complain. you're kinda thrusting them at someone in a slight way, just by mentioning them, and how you hate them.
i mean, it -shouldn't- work that way, but it does. awareness = sexiness.
and yah, i just came up with random stuff, though i think it was supposed to be less meta ><;;