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reenkate's latest blog entry really made me feel both warm and fuzzy and also challenged, renewed. it was all about how what she looks for in an [fanfic] author & their work is diversity, openness, a sense of complexity and surprise. being unable to predict where someone is -really- coming from, having to work at it, seeing that they are really -thinking- whether they write about their OTP from a dozen different angles or try a number of possibly personally squicky pairings, just to explore the characters' heads.
this is from a whole thread i found through![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
metablog, about seeing the author in the work, whether this is a good thing or an unwelcome thing that doesn't bode well for good writing.
presently, this is an interesting question for me, because the most recent thing i wrote-- the ficlet for cassie's latest chapter-- was written in the first person, speaking to a "you". this is a very thin line to walk, but the story demanded to be written this way, so i just did.
i suppose if you wanted, i've given you (the reader) carte blanche to just apply the ficlet to -me-, if you cared to. i mean, what's stopping you? it doesn't have -too- many overt plot references, it doesn't even use -names-, for gods sakes, it's all emotions, and all emotions i won't deny identifying with. now, if i'm any good, it shouldn't scream "reena! reena! reena!" to anyone-- well-- then again, most of my readers don't -know- me, so i don't know how it could, but regardless. a lot of my more emotional pieces draw their emotion from -me-. it's not like intensity comes out of thin air-- i use my own senses, my own mind, and channel it through these constructs, these -molds-. my most positive responses have been to stories i've poured my heart into-- they get called "intense" and so on.
i would have to say my biggest hope is that i still am writing -about- harry & draco & ginny & whoever, and not about -me-. and if i am, it's irrelevant.
i am actually really glad i've written about ginny, and explored other pairings. i still have my OTP, but i can see myself coming out of my OTP shell, and smelling the roses or whatever else in my environs, getting my bearings. i -want- to be the kind of writer te talks about, who is curious, who wants to explore. the kind of writer who could and would make their "they're-meant-to-be-together-forever" couple break up, and who'll entertain a fluff fic between two characters who should never even hug. yes, i'm willing to write draco/ron. ahahah.
on the one hand there's te's point that with fanfiction, you have more constraint than with original fic, so whatever liberties the author takes, tells you more about them. these are concrete choices that you can definitely follow-- and in original fic, there is basically no way to tell what's coming from where. everything is new, everything is (hopefully) fresh. it's still good fanfic if these choices are interesting, complex, surprising, opaque-- if they confound you and enchant you, like any good story. you could maybe tell the author's preference for some sort of plot device, but it shouldn't matter, in a good story. regardless, surprise is a good thing, and an author's unique stamp is also a good thing-- the more unique and unusual the more it grabs one's attention, after all.
i don't know if indeed an author's ability to see situations/characters from different angles tells you so very much about them. it's a good ability to have, though. if you -can't-, there's probably a problem. well, with me, i -could- see draco/ron, for example, i just don't -want- to. i'm really hedonistic like that.
i don't know -how-, whether in style or plot or voice, but i know my writing has a lot of me in it-- i know -everyone's- does. i -hope- it's not -overt- because that would make it sucky. which is why i'm so worried my latest dv ficlet was sucky. that was pretty emotional. was it overt? damn, i'd hate that.
i worry about it, because i know that while my stories are different-- in fact, everyone's stories are at least marginally different-- there are definitely a number of things that link them together. too many? i don't have a sure way of telling.
then again, this is -me-. i have the most insight into it of anyone-- i know -exactly- what is one of my `quirks' or `issues' peeping through in a fic. i can't deceive myself-- i know me when i see me. that is probably true for every writer.
this doesn't -necessarily- have to mean it's glaringly obvious to anyone who's read several of my fics. this is largely out of my hands, but definitely, i would aspire to be transparent, a `presence' but not an easily identifiable one, hovering over my stories.
another painful question is of course, voice. nothing gives away an author like having her characters sound alike, having their relationships be alike. there's of course always a comfort zone, always a sort of relationship that will come easiest to you, but it shouldn't be all you can produce. i know (i -think- i know) that personally, it's just what i -prefer-, and i have done things differently when the mood struck me.
nothing is as much of a give-away of bad writing as a fic where harry & draco sound/feel similarly. i mean, right off the bat-- this is a bad fic. just like that.
this is glaringly a case of-- if my personality chose this way to assert itself in my writing (ie, by constricting the voice of wildly different characters), i'm not doing so well.
then there's![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
musesfool's point that the point of fanfic is to be different but not -too- different, and good fanfic would should nothing that completely jars the reader out of the groove. oocness is not what one's looking for, reading fanfic -about particular characters-. if you wanted some random characterization, would you be reading fanfic? anything that obviously bears the stamp of the author's agenda is a bad thing-- and i agree with that. agendas in general are a bad thing-- especially in any sort of writing. well, unless you're writing an opinion column.
so... what should you be able to tell from a writer's fics, and/or what would you (or i in particular) -want- to be able to tell?
these questions seem pretty different, actually.
i'm not my fics, and yet i am, of course.
you can tell what -themes- i find fascinating, my balance of light and darkness, my sense of humor, my level of affection for certain characters, also. i don't ever write characters i -dislike-, which is probably why i don't do many-character epics. although i find that if i -do- write a character i dislike, i end up liking them in the process of writing them, in the process of taking the time to understand them. this happened with ginny and pansy. i wrote the tiniest bit about snape in a wip, and i find i have more empathy with him now.
i've written people who act `mean' and `evil' and `introspective' and `nice' and emotional in almost every way i could think of... still, i probably haven't written enough variations all around, actually. you can probably tell there are certain states of being i don't find particularly fascinating. um. but should you? no.
i can tell people's emotional belief-system on some level, no matter -whose- fic i read. i'd like to think it's just that i go pretty deep into most stories, and immerse myself fully enough so that it's hard -not- to see it, even if the story is shallow. i can sense the shallowness, if nothing else. heh.
i can't tell you what you're like as a person from your fic, but i can tell you what your heart is like. kind of. i can tell small things, if they recur within the story, or especially between stories. someone who keeps writing action sequences probably likes action sequences. just a guess. someone who writes about sex-- a lot-- probably doesn't have a whole lot of repression going on, or if they do, it's um-- heavy repression that bubbles forth periodically like a geyser.
i think my own fics aren't good enough so that they're beyond me, yet. some recent ones are pretty close, though, i think.
fic in general-- yes, i can always `feel' the author through it. i couldn't -verbalize- it, even, necessarily, but it's just-- a presence. i can feel the -characters-, too. the author is a meta-level thing. the characters are the immediate, gut-reaction level. the author (in a good fic) would be more like aftertaste, the thing that lingers if you roll the taste on your tongue, if you let time pass. i should feel the characters now. i shouldn't feel the author-- the author is everywhere, thus you can't (shouldn't) be able to focus in on their presence. the author is in little bits and in large plot-arcs, in the metaphorical overall meta-meanings and in the tiny details of day-to-day life that people don't just make up. the author is in the happy ending, i believe, and in the sad one, even if theoretically said author doesn't -desire- said ending.
if i write harry & draco happy, that's me. if i write them at each other's throats, that's me. if i write them cheating, that's me (because i would only do it with some serious caveats). if i write them bound at the hip (eeew) that's not me because i wouldn't, ahahahaha. seriously-- some people, as open-minded as could be, just wouldn't be caught dead doing certain things. i don't know if i can make a cast-in-stone -list- for anyone-- even if i think i know them well. even if it's -me-. i just have a -feeling-.
say-- there's no way in hell even a really multi-faceted, multi-fandom author like shalott would write the type of harry & draco you have in `unthinkable thoughts', or `snitch!', or say, `how harry potter got his groove back'. i just -so- don't see it. what does it -say- about shalott, exactly, and could i pin it down, please? nope, no can do. but, i do think that if she -did- write unapologetic fluff, it would somehow be informed by her darker tendencies and penchant for character-torture. somehow. to the bitter, fluffy end. ahahahah.
i also think jenn's question about how many stories an author has -in- them to write ties into all this. and it's an interesting idea that if i begin to retell a story too directly, it means i'm burning out with a particular set of characters, a particular fandom. i can definitely trace some archetypes i see in my work-- over and over and over-- thankfully not always acting the exact same way-- and in others' work as well. archetypes are funny, the way you can trace them-- they're so strong-tasting, and hard to mistake.
i realize i'm actually wibbling a lot more than making some sort of salient meta point. *sighs* such is life, apparently.
also, the whole thing with being desperate for feedback re: the DV ficlet probably means it's too much a part of me, and isn't really a `story'-- is there such a thing as too invested? should a `good story' just -exist-, and not feel like your limb? should it have self-esteem, somehow? ok, that just sounds weird. but i do feel that you should be separate from a story-- that if you're not, doesn't that mean you're too "there"? and if you -are- separate, does that mean you're not "there" enough? gah, unanswerable questions. my specialty.
or maybe i'm just lazy ><;;
~~
mmm, readesorlehcar's AU/sequel-type-thing, `drowning', to shalott's `deep as you go'. believable happy endings = believably happy self. and silviakundera's `happenstance', which makes harry creepy and under-eleven and yet understandable and canon and yes.
reminded me why i think harry's inherent darkness is rarely explored quite subtly enough. if anything-- usually it assumes it had something to do with voldemort, with cedric, with the responsibility of saving the world and so on. whereas (as was my initial feeling upon reading about his growing-up years), i think having had unchecked power in an unaware environment does things to you-- forgetting it being partly voldemort's power, for a second. but it's -subtle-. harry isn't aware, and harry doesn't have to even become aware. harry means well, you know. he really does :D
EDIT:vignette00's poetry kicks my arse. to the sky.
*worships*
i'm not kidding. that good.
~~
and. and. aja's review of DV11 made me cry and just-- feel amazed that i ever come across as coherently intelligent to -anyone-, because -that- was everything i didn't consciously follow through on thinking about that chapter. like every little detail i'd noticed but didn't bother analyzing or remembering. gods. just-- i understand now. i'm tempted to just delete the silly ficlet, since i -knew- it was wrong, not really them, but i mean-- it was intense for me, so i had to share... but my god, the inadequacy.
maybe i should just re-read the chapter. i was so incoherent, everything just bubbling and stewing in my brain, i couldn't make sense of it. it isn't just another fic to review. it's just so -huge-, it takes over my imagination, like a book would. (short stories don't, but books do-- well, er, most short stories).
the thing that made me cry would be the glaringly obvious fact that draco reverted to his old self throughout the chapter-- his old self he learned how to be for lucius. my god, somehow that is just -brilliant- for my conception of draco in general. the idea of the different selves that draco could be-- one for lucius, one for pansy or blaise (say), one for harry. and if they're together, how he'd be harry's, but if harry left-- yes. he wouldn't know who to be, other than lucius', and that just makes me incoherent, for some reason, because i really understand.
and let me tell you, i feel like a huge goddamn plebe for squeeing over the kiss, because. god. it was pretty shallow of me. i think i was resisting the deeper implications, but really i can't pretend that this wasn't just a horrible, horrible fate they're both in the midst of. i was being pretty flippant, really, on the surface anyway, trying hard not to fall apart. i think partly it's because i'm -used- to this draco, the ice-prince!draco, the majority of good fics are written about him, and he doesn't set off the warning bells, so much. i mean, i forget that it isn't natural for dv!draco to act this way. it's really amazing they mean so much to me, whereas i only read a handful of chapters. *sigh*
i bet everyone is extremely sick of seeing the endless DV wibbling & angsting going on here, but um. well. er. sorry?
i don't know if i can compose myself and conduct my mind correctly to really say what i want very easily, so i ramble on. in a way, i can just -feel- in my bones, that dv!harry & draco are somehow reflective of harry & draco in "general". i mean... if some versions can be more -real-, more -meaty-, more -substantial-, then by association what happens to them would mean more. would be more than just what happens to this harry & draco, and would spill over into the ether where i react to their over-arching essences interacting.
i'm -really- embarrassed at my level of t00biness and lack of thoughtfulness, but i seem to vacillate greatly between complete understanding and complete hysteria all the time. i mean, with most things.
i wish i could just get it -out-, really say what i want to say. it seems both the easiest and the hardest thing, especially when the stakes seem higher than normal, when emotions are higher. i just stutter and gush and output, and then feel really embarrassed. and now i semi-hate my ficlet because i really wanted to say something, and what came out (so far) wasn't really very... to the point.
on the other hand, aja has pretty much said it for me. heh. hot damn. but some people have a way with words that leaves me looking thunderstruck, as if rogue lightning has just ruffled my hair. it seems unnatural, almost, to write a review and make it more interesting than a lot of fiction. god.
i don't really feel i have a -command- of language. it really does command -me-. if i say something right, i don't -mean- to. if things are huge, overpowering, i just lapse into dream and feeling. i mean, i -feel- in the back of my mind, all those thoughts, prickling at the edges of my consciousness, but it's rather difficult to just empty 65% of the emotion through a sieve, and -write-, really write what's there.
writing has a certain -distance- it creates. a certain clarity. you write and through writing you -know-. you -understand-. if i started writing-- just writing my random thoughts, they would, of their own volition, assume a shape, create a structure, coalesce into meaning. i could wade in with no idea what's going to happen, and within a paragraph, i already would have a thesis of some sort. and i think with DV11 anyway, i was avoiding this clarity. there was a softer way to look at this, and i took it, because the other way was extremely painful and required a lot of reader participation, and i -still- haven't recovered enough to even see it from an outside angle without the aid of writing.
so yes, in a way, it's just hilarious that my apparent claim to fame is through reviewing. i mean, aja and black dog and earthquake and te and victoria p, and penelope and lasair and nearly goddamn -everyone- who cares to, sounds more coherent than me. and when i say "coherent", i mean-- when i read their essays, i actually feel like i -understand- something, whereas when i ramble i just confuse myself, which isn't a good sign.
so yes, i don't actually know what i'm saying. of course, that's never stopped me, obviously ><;;
must...resist...comment...about...taking...up...knitting.... gah.
EDIT: okay, wait a second, wait a second. *laughs maniacally* it just hit me.
this pattern of being too flabbergasted and overwhelmed -- at first -- to be coherent is actually something i have in common with aja, oh she of the glorious reviewing prowess. eeeee~! and now that my brain is coming back online... i think i can think i think i can think i think i think i think....! *feels synapses firing*
wheeeeeeee~! *bounces*
gah. am huge t00b. we all knew this, but still. bears repeating ><;;
people who are v. passionate readers but not writers have my sincerest sympathy....
just occurred to me that this feeling of amazed, sudden understanding borne of reading someone else's words isn't really something that speaks -against- me. this is how understanding has come to me from the beginning. there is always a -source-: either verbal or physical. few things come from the ether. so, maybe... maybe... maybe it doesn't matter how i come to understand, as long as i understand. hmm.
this is from a whole thread i found through
metablog, about seeing the author in the work, whether this is a good thing or an unwelcome thing that doesn't bode well for good writing. presently, this is an interesting question for me, because the most recent thing i wrote-- the ficlet for cassie's latest chapter-- was written in the first person, speaking to a "you". this is a very thin line to walk, but the story demanded to be written this way, so i just did.
i suppose if you wanted, i've given you (the reader) carte blanche to just apply the ficlet to -me-, if you cared to. i mean, what's stopping you? it doesn't have -too- many overt plot references, it doesn't even use -names-, for gods sakes, it's all emotions, and all emotions i won't deny identifying with. now, if i'm any good, it shouldn't scream "reena! reena! reena!" to anyone-- well-- then again, most of my readers don't -know- me, so i don't know how it could, but regardless. a lot of my more emotional pieces draw their emotion from -me-. it's not like intensity comes out of thin air-- i use my own senses, my own mind, and channel it through these constructs, these -molds-. my most positive responses have been to stories i've poured my heart into-- they get called "intense" and so on.
i would have to say my biggest hope is that i still am writing -about- harry & draco & ginny & whoever, and not about -me-. and if i am, it's irrelevant.
i am actually really glad i've written about ginny, and explored other pairings. i still have my OTP, but i can see myself coming out of my OTP shell, and smelling the roses or whatever else in my environs, getting my bearings. i -want- to be the kind of writer te talks about, who is curious, who wants to explore. the kind of writer who could and would make their "they're-meant-to-be-together-forever" couple break up, and who'll entertain a fluff fic between two characters who should never even hug. yes, i'm willing to write draco/ron. ahahah.
on the one hand there's te's point that with fanfiction, you have more constraint than with original fic, so whatever liberties the author takes, tells you more about them. these are concrete choices that you can definitely follow-- and in original fic, there is basically no way to tell what's coming from where. everything is new, everything is (hopefully) fresh. it's still good fanfic if these choices are interesting, complex, surprising, opaque-- if they confound you and enchant you, like any good story. you could maybe tell the author's preference for some sort of plot device, but it shouldn't matter, in a good story. regardless, surprise is a good thing, and an author's unique stamp is also a good thing-- the more unique and unusual the more it grabs one's attention, after all.
i don't know if indeed an author's ability to see situations/characters from different angles tells you so very much about them. it's a good ability to have, though. if you -can't-, there's probably a problem. well, with me, i -could- see draco/ron, for example, i just don't -want- to. i'm really hedonistic like that.
i don't know -how-, whether in style or plot or voice, but i know my writing has a lot of me in it-- i know -everyone's- does. i -hope- it's not -overt- because that would make it sucky. which is why i'm so worried my latest dv ficlet was sucky. that was pretty emotional. was it overt? damn, i'd hate that.
i worry about it, because i know that while my stories are different-- in fact, everyone's stories are at least marginally different-- there are definitely a number of things that link them together. too many? i don't have a sure way of telling.
then again, this is -me-. i have the most insight into it of anyone-- i know -exactly- what is one of my `quirks' or `issues' peeping through in a fic. i can't deceive myself-- i know me when i see me. that is probably true for every writer.
this doesn't -necessarily- have to mean it's glaringly obvious to anyone who's read several of my fics. this is largely out of my hands, but definitely, i would aspire to be transparent, a `presence' but not an easily identifiable one, hovering over my stories.
another painful question is of course, voice. nothing gives away an author like having her characters sound alike, having their relationships be alike. there's of course always a comfort zone, always a sort of relationship that will come easiest to you, but it shouldn't be all you can produce. i know (i -think- i know) that personally, it's just what i -prefer-, and i have done things differently when the mood struck me.
nothing is as much of a give-away of bad writing as a fic where harry & draco sound/feel similarly. i mean, right off the bat-- this is a bad fic. just like that.
this is glaringly a case of-- if my personality chose this way to assert itself in my writing (ie, by constricting the voice of wildly different characters), i'm not doing so well.
then there's
musesfool's point that the point of fanfic is to be different but not -too- different, and good fanfic would should nothing that completely jars the reader out of the groove. oocness is not what one's looking for, reading fanfic -about particular characters-. if you wanted some random characterization, would you be reading fanfic? anything that obviously bears the stamp of the author's agenda is a bad thing-- and i agree with that. agendas in general are a bad thing-- especially in any sort of writing. well, unless you're writing an opinion column.so... what should you be able to tell from a writer's fics, and/or what would you (or i in particular) -want- to be able to tell?
these questions seem pretty different, actually.
i'm not my fics, and yet i am, of course.
you can tell what -themes- i find fascinating, my balance of light and darkness, my sense of humor, my level of affection for certain characters, also. i don't ever write characters i -dislike-, which is probably why i don't do many-character epics. although i find that if i -do- write a character i dislike, i end up liking them in the process of writing them, in the process of taking the time to understand them. this happened with ginny and pansy. i wrote the tiniest bit about snape in a wip, and i find i have more empathy with him now.
i've written people who act `mean' and `evil' and `introspective' and `nice' and emotional in almost every way i could think of... still, i probably haven't written enough variations all around, actually. you can probably tell there are certain states of being i don't find particularly fascinating. um. but should you? no.
i can tell people's emotional belief-system on some level, no matter -whose- fic i read. i'd like to think it's just that i go pretty deep into most stories, and immerse myself fully enough so that it's hard -not- to see it, even if the story is shallow. i can sense the shallowness, if nothing else. heh.
i can't tell you what you're like as a person from your fic, but i can tell you what your heart is like. kind of. i can tell small things, if they recur within the story, or especially between stories. someone who keeps writing action sequences probably likes action sequences. just a guess. someone who writes about sex-- a lot-- probably doesn't have a whole lot of repression going on, or if they do, it's um-- heavy repression that bubbles forth periodically like a geyser.
i think my own fics aren't good enough so that they're beyond me, yet. some recent ones are pretty close, though, i think.
fic in general-- yes, i can always `feel' the author through it. i couldn't -verbalize- it, even, necessarily, but it's just-- a presence. i can feel the -characters-, too. the author is a meta-level thing. the characters are the immediate, gut-reaction level. the author (in a good fic) would be more like aftertaste, the thing that lingers if you roll the taste on your tongue, if you let time pass. i should feel the characters now. i shouldn't feel the author-- the author is everywhere, thus you can't (shouldn't) be able to focus in on their presence. the author is in little bits and in large plot-arcs, in the metaphorical overall meta-meanings and in the tiny details of day-to-day life that people don't just make up. the author is in the happy ending, i believe, and in the sad one, even if theoretically said author doesn't -desire- said ending.
if i write harry & draco happy, that's me. if i write them at each other's throats, that's me. if i write them cheating, that's me (because i would only do it with some serious caveats). if i write them bound at the hip (eeew) that's not me because i wouldn't, ahahahaha. seriously-- some people, as open-minded as could be, just wouldn't be caught dead doing certain things. i don't know if i can make a cast-in-stone -list- for anyone-- even if i think i know them well. even if it's -me-. i just have a -feeling-.
say-- there's no way in hell even a really multi-faceted, multi-fandom author like shalott would write the type of harry & draco you have in `unthinkable thoughts', or `snitch!', or say, `how harry potter got his groove back'. i just -so- don't see it. what does it -say- about shalott, exactly, and could i pin it down, please? nope, no can do. but, i do think that if she -did- write unapologetic fluff, it would somehow be informed by her darker tendencies and penchant for character-torture. somehow. to the bitter, fluffy end. ahahahah.
i also think jenn's question about how many stories an author has -in- them to write ties into all this. and it's an interesting idea that if i begin to retell a story too directly, it means i'm burning out with a particular set of characters, a particular fandom. i can definitely trace some archetypes i see in my work-- over and over and over-- thankfully not always acting the exact same way-- and in others' work as well. archetypes are funny, the way you can trace them-- they're so strong-tasting, and hard to mistake.
i realize i'm actually wibbling a lot more than making some sort of salient meta point. *sighs* such is life, apparently.
also, the whole thing with being desperate for feedback re: the DV ficlet probably means it's too much a part of me, and isn't really a `story'-- is there such a thing as too invested? should a `good story' just -exist-, and not feel like your limb? should it have self-esteem, somehow? ok, that just sounds weird. but i do feel that you should be separate from a story-- that if you're not, doesn't that mean you're too "there"? and if you -are- separate, does that mean you're not "there" enough? gah, unanswerable questions. my specialty.
or maybe i'm just lazy ><;;
~~
mmm, read
esorlehcar's AU/sequel-type-thing, `drowning', to shalott's `deep as you go'. believable happy endings = believably happy self. and silviakundera's `happenstance', which makes harry creepy and under-eleven and yet understandable and canon and yes.reminded me why i think harry's inherent darkness is rarely explored quite subtly enough. if anything-- usually it assumes it had something to do with voldemort, with cedric, with the responsibility of saving the world and so on. whereas (as was my initial feeling upon reading about his growing-up years), i think having had unchecked power in an unaware environment does things to you-- forgetting it being partly voldemort's power, for a second. but it's -subtle-. harry isn't aware, and harry doesn't have to even become aware. harry means well, you know. he really does :D
EDIT:
vignette00's poetry kicks my arse. to the sky.*worships*
i'm not kidding. that good.
~~
and. and. aja's review of DV11 made me cry and just-- feel amazed that i ever come across as coherently intelligent to -anyone-, because -that- was everything i didn't consciously follow through on thinking about that chapter. like every little detail i'd noticed but didn't bother analyzing or remembering. gods. just-- i understand now. i'm tempted to just delete the silly ficlet, since i -knew- it was wrong, not really them, but i mean-- it was intense for me, so i had to share... but my god, the inadequacy.
maybe i should just re-read the chapter. i was so incoherent, everything just bubbling and stewing in my brain, i couldn't make sense of it. it isn't just another fic to review. it's just so -huge-, it takes over my imagination, like a book would. (short stories don't, but books do-- well, er, most short stories).
the thing that made me cry would be the glaringly obvious fact that draco reverted to his old self throughout the chapter-- his old self he learned how to be for lucius. my god, somehow that is just -brilliant- for my conception of draco in general. the idea of the different selves that draco could be-- one for lucius, one for pansy or blaise (say), one for harry. and if they're together, how he'd be harry's, but if harry left-- yes. he wouldn't know who to be, other than lucius', and that just makes me incoherent, for some reason, because i really understand.
and let me tell you, i feel like a huge goddamn plebe for squeeing over the kiss, because. god. it was pretty shallow of me. i think i was resisting the deeper implications, but really i can't pretend that this wasn't just a horrible, horrible fate they're both in the midst of. i was being pretty flippant, really, on the surface anyway, trying hard not to fall apart. i think partly it's because i'm -used- to this draco, the ice-prince!draco, the majority of good fics are written about him, and he doesn't set off the warning bells, so much. i mean, i forget that it isn't natural for dv!draco to act this way. it's really amazing they mean so much to me, whereas i only read a handful of chapters. *sigh*
i bet everyone is extremely sick of seeing the endless DV wibbling & angsting going on here, but um. well. er. sorry?
i don't know if i can compose myself and conduct my mind correctly to really say what i want very easily, so i ramble on. in a way, i can just -feel- in my bones, that dv!harry & draco are somehow reflective of harry & draco in "general". i mean... if some versions can be more -real-, more -meaty-, more -substantial-, then by association what happens to them would mean more. would be more than just what happens to this harry & draco, and would spill over into the ether where i react to their over-arching essences interacting.
i'm -really- embarrassed at my level of t00biness and lack of thoughtfulness, but i seem to vacillate greatly between complete understanding and complete hysteria all the time. i mean, with most things.
i wish i could just get it -out-, really say what i want to say. it seems both the easiest and the hardest thing, especially when the stakes seem higher than normal, when emotions are higher. i just stutter and gush and output, and then feel really embarrassed. and now i semi-hate my ficlet because i really wanted to say something, and what came out (so far) wasn't really very... to the point.
on the other hand, aja has pretty much said it for me. heh. hot damn. but some people have a way with words that leaves me looking thunderstruck, as if rogue lightning has just ruffled my hair. it seems unnatural, almost, to write a review and make it more interesting than a lot of fiction. god.
i don't really feel i have a -command- of language. it really does command -me-. if i say something right, i don't -mean- to. if things are huge, overpowering, i just lapse into dream and feeling. i mean, i -feel- in the back of my mind, all those thoughts, prickling at the edges of my consciousness, but it's rather difficult to just empty 65% of the emotion through a sieve, and -write-, really write what's there.
writing has a certain -distance- it creates. a certain clarity. you write and through writing you -know-. you -understand-. if i started writing-- just writing my random thoughts, they would, of their own volition, assume a shape, create a structure, coalesce into meaning. i could wade in with no idea what's going to happen, and within a paragraph, i already would have a thesis of some sort. and i think with DV11 anyway, i was avoiding this clarity. there was a softer way to look at this, and i took it, because the other way was extremely painful and required a lot of reader participation, and i -still- haven't recovered enough to even see it from an outside angle without the aid of writing.
so yes, in a way, it's just hilarious that my apparent claim to fame is through reviewing. i mean, aja and black dog and earthquake and te and victoria p, and penelope and lasair and nearly goddamn -everyone- who cares to, sounds more coherent than me. and when i say "coherent", i mean-- when i read their essays, i actually feel like i -understand- something, whereas when i ramble i just confuse myself, which isn't a good sign.
so yes, i don't actually know what i'm saying. of course, that's never stopped me, obviously ><;;
must...resist...comment...about...taking...up...knitting.... gah.
EDIT: okay, wait a second, wait a second. *laughs maniacally* it just hit me.
this pattern of being too flabbergasted and overwhelmed -- at first -- to be coherent is actually something i have in common with aja, oh she of the glorious reviewing prowess. eeeee~! and now that my brain is coming back online... i think i can think i think i can think i think i think i think....! *feels synapses firing*
wheeeeeeee~! *bounces*
gah. am huge t00b. we all knew this, but still. bears repeating ><;;
people who are v. passionate readers but not writers have my sincerest sympathy....
just occurred to me that this feeling of amazed, sudden understanding borne of reading someone else's words isn't really something that speaks -against- me. this is how understanding has come to me from the beginning. there is always a -source-: either verbal or physical. few things come from the ether. so, maybe... maybe... maybe it doesn't matter how i come to understand, as long as i understand. hmm.
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no subject
Date: 2002-12-05 04:53 pm (UTC)because -that- was everything i didn't consciously follow through on thinking about that chapter. like every little detail i'd noticed but didn't bother analyzing or remembering. gods. just-- i understand now.
Exactly.
I mean, for me, it's hard to review anything at all. I just can't seem to do it.. it's always "Well that and that and that was good and I loved it". It's always easier for me to discuss something with another person, than just list things and write about details and whatnot. Also, I don't tend to have as much insight as, for example, Aja does. I don't always see the deeper layers.
I love your reviews, though! You may think they're incoherant and rambling, but they make sense to me and you are good at pointing out things, too. (The only thing that gets me a bit lost is lack of capitalization.. but, and I doubt I'd feel this way about anyone else.. it's sort of fitting for you. And don't take that as an insult, because it isn't. When you write reviews, or posts like this... or, damn, just about anything I've seen.. it's always so honest and full of feeling, and I think the lack of capitalization almost adds to it. Why? Because it makes me feel like you were so into putting what you wanted to say into words that it just flowed out, and there wasn't -time- for capitalizing. So. Yeah. ^^;) So don't feel down.. and good luck with that ficlet, don't give up on it. :)
(Oh, and I'm not sick of the DV talk and wibbling.. and poo on those who are ;P)
no subject
Date: 2002-12-05 06:19 pm (UTC)*sigh* and yah. um. ahahah. i -did- write the ficlet ^^; it was in my last entry.
i have -no- idea why i'm so angsty about it. ok, so i have a bunch of ideas, but y'know, i never know which one is right ^^
also, everytime i do something right, it just ups the ante and i feel if i don't, -next- time, i'll fail -more- somehow.
um. hee~! i wonder how i got a reputation for being thoughtful.
i'm always such a t00by wreck, really >:D<
but i feel better now, since i have company :D
why is it that you have to blind me?
Date: 2002-12-05 06:58 pm (UTC)And it is so beautiful! It made me cry... oh man, your imagery is so astounding. And the emotion is so strong my chest was aching and my stomache was in a knot as I read. Gah. *adds to Memories* <3
And as a weird side note... you quoted a Tori song! Yay! :D
but i feel better now, since i have company :D
Misery loves company, eh? ;) Not that we're miserable.. but y'know... :P
eeee~:)
Date: 2002-12-05 07:29 pm (UTC)for some reason i've been being a complete freak about that ficlet, exacerbated by the fact that besides you, only maya had reviewed.
and of course that was 90% effective in getting me to feel good about it, 'cause y'know, maya = goddess ;D
but yes, um, so, it means a -lot- to me :D
although. um.
yes. i still have to ask, if harry seemed terribly out of character (for dv!harry i mean).
guh. on the one hand, it -is- a dv ficlet, on the other, it's not like i was consciously trying to keep to known parameters, so other things got mixed it, which wouldn't be so bad except i really felt i should make some sort of statement and that could be taken as the `wrong' statement, and so on.
i mean, because, as much as i angsted all the way through it, i was also -happy- at the end.
ok, i wasn't happy at the kiss so much as the implication from cassie's end-note that it was now slash.
that just made me so happy i totally lost it. i mean, i suppose she was ambiguous, but that's how -i- interpreted her note.
that it's slash and she's prepared for flames but please not to flame her, and she wasn't capitulating to the slashers because this was a long-plotted development.
and so on. i was like, YEAY!! it's gonna be ALRIGHT!
which is patently stupid because well-- they're like, facing their deaths and the end of the world and so on.
but i mean, er... yah. death... no t00by lurve... same thing ^^;;
ok, not.
but you know ^^;;
Re: eeee~:)
Date: 2002-12-06 12:19 pm (UTC)And no, I even re-read it, and I didn't feel that Harry seemed OOC.. it just seemed like DV from another perspective.. another narrorator. It felt part DV, part reenka.
I'm excited about the kiss, even though it isn't a romantic kiss.. because, like how you said.. and also now Harry is going to be very aware of the possibility of Draco kissing.. and it should be interesting to see what he thinks. :D
no subject
Date: 2002-12-06 11:32 am (UTC)