reenka

buffy~! squeeeee~!

well, this episode basically showed us that yes, it wasn't a fluke. yeay~! redeemed!spike, here we come..! :D
    and they're doing it right, too. not schmoopy, not sentimental or forced, and entirely flowing out of spike's past behavior. i'm just-- happy. this is the first episode since `wrecked' that made me actively `ship buffy/spike again. (although i'm wondering if there's xander/spike fic coming out of this, considering the roommate situation-- not that i wanna see it). it's just-- yes. buffy had just the right amount of concern and willingness to kick butt and a certain faith(~!) in spike, which he's now proved himself worthy of.

he -is- completely buffy's. awwwwwww.
i know this is supposed to be an episode about how spike is the Big Bad again (ahahah, that girl's comment-- priceless), but really it's about how he isn't. how he's sincere about having changed, or wanting to. it was almost -sappy- (on spike's part). of course, as sappy as buffy ever gets. which isn't very sappy.
    anya was brilliant in her fake acting. it takes a good actress to fake!act that well.
    i love it how he didn't bite her. that was just-- guh. melty. though he did lick her blood, but he was so tender about it. guh. licking. spike. mmmm.

it's funny because buffy -was- all set to kill anya at first hint of anya's going bad, but with spike, you didn't exactly see any grim determination to kill, did you. hmmm. why yes, she -is- hypocritical.
    but as a `shipper, of course, i'm happy. wah. he's scarily sincere. but awwwwww. and yes, i see what you people mean about meek!spike being a tad...um... yuck, but i mean-- he's let down all his defenses. isn't it adorable? he's -trying- to be his old self again, but failing. and he admits it, too. i don't see why everyone (who isn't a buffy/spike `shipper) is always going on about how spike was only good when he was bad. he was -always- a fool for love, and always trying to change himself to better fit whatever his True Love wanted him to be. bad!spike was only a reflection of druscilla. this spike began as a reflection of buffy, but i think he -is- growing a "soul", a conscience, he does feel bad regardless of buffy, and this episode shows at least the beginnings of that, i think.

i don't think it was just his wanting of buffy that was making him feel bad about his killings. in fact, these were essential, to create a "new slate" so to speak, to rewrite history-- to kind of reclaim old territory. now he knows what it's like to kill and to regret it, to feel it, to have it hang upon your soul. not just as memories, which can haunt you, but are distant and blur together-- but as reality. spike needed to come face-to-face with his past, to feel it in his bones. he needed to challenge himself in his assertion, his desire to change.
    personally, i think he's doing really well. that was almost -too- obvious. spike takes no pleasure in killing. period. that's a huge thing.

this is definitely running parallel to the willow arc last season-- something that gives you that much power-- it's important to face its darker side, to realize (hopefully) that you have no taste for it, that you're aware of it, that you know it's a part of you and you would do anything for that not to be true. unless you're that desperate-- unless your power has cost you more than you were ever willing to pay-- you can't be sure you won't abuse it.
    with willow, her power has cost her both tara (indirectly), and her innocence, her faith in her own goodness, her sense of faith in magic, and how it makes her special. she can't lean on it anymore, she can't use it as a beautiful cloak that merely adorns her. it's a tool, and it's no substitute for anything, and she definitely learned that the hard way.

buffy has been learning this lesson throughout, so her struggle is actually to -trust- her power, to be comfortable enough as a Slayer so that she doesn't let her distaste of it lead her to some robotic, inhumane decisions because she was going on some sort of moral autopilot.
    i love buffy because it's never as simple as "power corrupts" or "evil is them, good is us". everything is mixed up and flowing together, and the point isn't that whatever the season's Big Bad is is truly Evil, but the effects that has on the Scoobies, the ways it makes them question themselves. i mean, whatever's beneath them devouring, yes, it's unquestionably Evil, big time. but that doesn't matter-- it's a cosmic force, what are you going to do about it? i mean, this season at least. the point isn't how evil this cosmic force is, but the ways in which they resist it and react to it.

anyone who simply wishes bad!spike to be back is really doing a disservice to buffy. the overall arc would be pointless and dulled if spike was still who he had been in season two. -none- of them are who they were during season two. just because spike was all sexy and innocent of the ramifications of his actions back then, and because that gets us off, doesn't mean that's a good way to work with his character. buffy was sexier back when she just had fun and kicked butt and cracked wise-cracks without much of a jaded twist to her mouth, too. but if that's still how it was, buffy wouldn't be much of a show, would it. i mean, you could see one season and you've seen them all, then.

i don't like stagnation. i don't like foregone conclusions. it's the journey that matters, isn't it? i don't even care about the destination. at this point, i'm not really waiting for buffy and spike to get together and live happily ever after or even (necessarily) to Just Snog Already, though that would, of course, be great. i just love this ebb and flow, this gradual unravelling and coming together. that's what i really want from harry/draco stories too, in the end. though i will never refuse a happy ending and i -hate- it when characters die or are unfaithful, everyone should know -that- by now. still, i wish even more, that i get to be surprised and delighted as to the changes they all go through and the people they are continuously in the process of becoming.

and damn. if they kill giles, it's gonna be bad. *cringes*
~~

te rocks my world. guh. yes, it's smallville. it's freud. read it, 'sgood, man.

"Aw, come on. You have to admit it's funny. I put all that time and effort into figuring out the car crash, into investigating your family, when all I had to do was stand on my balcony and wait for you to do your Greatest American Hero impression."

heh. hot boy!sex-- check. dialogue-- check. funny-- check. guh, guh, guh-- check.
    if she wrote h/d i would -die-. and. te is a professional writer. this proves my theory you know. that you can -tell-. yes, you can tell. guh.

and-- my gahd, i love her-- besides just writing the best porn i've seen in awhile (a longish while), she wrote an essay on slash porn-writing too, which is enlightening and spot-on and is presently making me wibble greatly about my present porn-fest. *sigh* i will prevail, though~:) porn, soonish.