~~anti-angsty!sap, buffy squeeings, and realizations re: source of het squick

[reenka]

wah. buffy. buffy. buffy.

i'll miss him. what's-his-name. mr. new scoobie. i think he was shaping up to be my new favorite character. i don't know what it is-- he was just so sweet. guh. of -course- they had to kill the one decent sweet person *cries*

i loved psychoanalyzing!vampire-guy. he was cute. just the normality of the speech-patterns on buffy always get me. they sound so -natural-, so much like something you could see yourself saying to your friends. especially when the person talking has the face of a demon, i feel v. v. amused.
    dawn looked-- well-- cool, all rageful and bleeding and stuff. backbone. who knew?

i think i like honest!buffy. i mean, we'd all -suspected- as much, but she just went right out and said it (re: being a bitch, and what she did to spike, and losing herself in him, and so on), and i dig that, i do. sure, she didn't say she loved him, but you got the feeling she just didn't have a clue, and that's ok, most of us don't have a clue, really.

guh. spike is biting people. in retrospect, i could see it coming, of course. spike needed to become slightly more dangerous to be alluring (er... to buffy).
    but as usual, it's the little tiny turns of phrase and geeky references that make this my favorite show. suuuure, smallville has CLex, but they don't have the brilliant repartee to shower them with. -buffy- can make me love the -trio-, who are -so- not sexy (well ok a little sexy, but y'all know what i mean). i so love them for the comparing klingon & spanish grammar comment. gahd. i'm a dork. but we all knew that ><;;
    and next week, tune in for brand new spuffy~! ahahahah. damn. but truthfully, i'm interested in this whole end-of-the-world plot too, seriously. but it's not as fun now without geek!boy (*sobs*) it really isn't. it isn't. it just -isn't-. guh. i don't really -like- anyone that way, even though i adore buffy & spike together and i -like- willow and i don't -dislike- dawn after tonight. dammit. but i suppose he was not of this world, not after he made that comment about caring about the uncaring people. jeez, if that doesn't make you sacrifice fodder, what does?? *huffs*
    stupid misguided gryffindors. *cries a little*
~~

i've realized something. first of all, i've realized that my own het now squicks me. i mean, i'm v. proud of `dancing in the dark'-- and in fact, you should read it right now-- i'm that proud of it. i wrote it like, years ago, but i like the feeling behind it and i think my writing was in good shape, even if it has like, little to no cohesive plot (i sort of started out with one, but then lost it-- got bored, felt like it was too huge to lift-- happens to me a lot).

but yah, my own het smutfic squicks me. i mean, i like boys, and i like girls, just not-- necessarily-- together o_0
    i feel like i'm this huge big weirdo. everytime i decide i'm a lesbian, i start oggling some cute guy (even like, ryan, in tonight's smallville-- oh yah i was noticin' the chest before the angst, uh-huh). everytime i decide i like guys, they have that victoria's secret commercial and i try not to be too obvious about wanting to become an electron shimmering on one of their breasts.
    on the other hand, i still *heart* spuffy, so all is not lost(?)

also realized (perhaps more significantly, but probably not), the reason i have issues wanting to read hetfic, specifically fanfic that has a het romance between draco (and say, hermione). we won't mention ginny, who is evil. draco/pansy, on the other hand, would be good for a laugh. someone write one, i'll read it. if you bribe me, i'll even write it. *laughs evilly*


but anyway, i read aja's post to the het-shipper's mailing list about Trilogy slash, where she says that she enjoys some draco/hermione fics, even though she doesn't ship it and never will. and you know me, still haven't gotten myself to read any het fic (other than amalin's. sort of, heh).

i just wanted to finally figure out why i have this block. am i afraid of the new meme taking root in my brain and multiplying, really, as i posited in my reply to flambeau's post about why people feel threatened by alternative versions of their favorite pairings/characters. am i just afraid of the -idea- that i'll be disillusioned and/or change my opinion/vision of these characters? or is it something more simple....
    it occurs to me that a het fic that is centered on a particular pairing is a -romance-. the way i enjoy romances is by believing in them (for at least the duration of the story), but moreover by -rooting- for them. i get taken away into this world where love is palpable, and it can triumph, and it can break you, and it can be everything. i read romances because love is just very much on my mind, and has been since i was little.

now, if you're using a character that is already -real- to me, that already "exists" so to speak-- i couldn't very well root for them to be with anyone else other than the one i see them with in my mind. not without splitting myself in two. to enjoy the romance i would have to be emotionally invested, that is just what i look for in romance-centered stories. a lot of the enjoyment of romances comes from putting yourself in the shoes of one or both of the characters, from identifying, from living out your dreams and believing in fairy-tales and kind of falling in love vicariously.

but i can't do that if i don't -believe-. if i don't -want- to believe. if i don't have an open heart. reading a romance without falling in love with their love, without -needing- them to be happy, to kiss, to touch, feels empty, pointless pretty much.

that's why i can't ship contradictory ships, and can't even find an incentive to read stories (even good ones), if their romances are utilizing one of the characters i have paired in my head. if i believe that the person in this fic is -that character-, then i can't re-imagine them to the extent that i develop a whole new set of emotions towards them, new, blank-slate emotions that i can use however i want. it's not so much monogamy-- ok, maybe it is, i dunno, but it sounds silly. but yah, i'm a one-true-love sort of person. at least, every love story i've ever read, i've seen from that perspective. i -want- it to be the One True Love, if i am going to care about it. and if a story has the same character paired twice or thrice, my heart deadens and i either a) don't enjoy it, or care anymore after the initial one or the most intense one; or b) just pick one pairing to `ship and react with pain/disappointment to the bits with the other pairing. and this is characters i've just met, in that book.

i'm a -completely- hopeless raging romantic, as you can see.

~~
also, i realized i dislike angst that has a sappy center, ie, is just sap with all sorts of "issues", and the first chance the characters have to let go, they just bounce around calling each other "dear" and cuddling and acting like happy bunnies. i re-read `all torn down' last night, and remembered how i disliked it, even though i enjoy obake's writing enough to keep reading with much interest. her characterizations pain me greatly. but it's also the sort of-- pseudo!angst she has going on. hurt/comfort, i would say, is pseudo!angst.
    if you're going to write darkfic, just write darkfic. it doesn't really go away-- even if you're cuddling. or at least there's a balance all the time. i -can- like needful!death-eater!draco (just look at antenora's fics-- i adore them)-- but he's so easily screwed up (and to think he's -already- screwed up enough, heh). this whole artificiality and overblown melodrama and sentimentality so often implied by `angst' really rubs me the wrong way. sap is fine. i like sap-- it knows what it is, and it sticks with it. same with good darkfic.
    fics like `the perfect imperfection' and `all torn down' just muddle the issue with soap-opera type stuff like suicidal impulses, crying, blushing, weird tenderness from supposedly not-so-nice characters, and so on. yeurgh.

EDIT: happy endings are, obviously, my favorite thing, and definitely ok. as are tender moments, sweet embraces, and all sorts of melty kissing scenes. tenderness isn't -bad-, it's just-- well-- it has to make sense.
    i'm just annoyed by inexplicable wholesale "redemption" purely by the power of schmoopy luuurve.

Comments

[sympathetic-ink.livejournal.com]

i'm a -completely- hopeless raging romantic, as you can see.

Afterword II might be a happy ending, it might not. But the last thing I want is for it to come out cliche...and there's been so much pressure (http://www.fictionalley.org/ficalley/reviews/showthread.php?s=444f7eea46359b5ce1cc2ebfd4d96b6d&threadid=7294) for a sequel and my pride won't let me do a bad job on it.

*sigh*

My het squicks me as well. It's like...so...het...and...Harry...slash...Ron...*eek*

~Amy

PS. Do you have pierced ears??? *curious*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

hee. well i dunno if it's worse that my -original!fic- smutfic was squicking me.
i think it was all the over-the-top vagina descriptors ^^;;
ahahah.

it's so hard to describe it well.
just... hard.
or maybe it's just easy to describe it with lots of heat and flower and channel images ><;;

erm. yah.
and no, my ears are stubborn and grow back if i pierce them >< and wow, no one's ever asked me that online, hee :D
apparently there's a first time for everything :D
*bounces*

Afterword II

[sympathetic-ink.livejournal.com]

A first time for everything indeed. *grins*

Do you want a happy ending, or a surprise?

Re: Afterword II

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

awww.... ^^ i'm so touched you'd ask~:D heheeh ahh, powah ;)
well. *coughs* i like both happy endings -and- suprises *bounces*
if they're unhappy surprises, i could do without them, of course :D

i -so- don't want to see you end it with harry finding happiness with neville.
if you do that i'd have to ... well... write a draco/pansy/dobby/neville orgy in retaliation :D ahahah
*still bitter about how libertine's fic is going, heh*

well, um, truth is, i don't need a -conventionally- happy ending, but some ...
er...a positive thing coming out of it would be much appreciated. and since i believe the most positive thing for harry & draco is each other, once they get their act together of course...

weellll.... :D
my heart's desire with all h/d stories isn't some sort of "happily ever after" but...
a sort of... well... acknowledgement, a realization of a bond that cannot be denied, wherever either of them may run from it.
i mean, the thing about it is... that draco was this blank, hard-to-get-a-reading on character in the initial ficlet, and harry was hurting 'cause of that...

what i wanted was for some sort of communication to occur.
i believe if two people who have a bond -communicate- they can just -live-, through the happiness and the sadness and the bits apart and the bits together.

it's like with your friends. you don't see them for awhile-- and you miss them-- but you trust them
you -need- them and you know you -have- them, whether you're together or not, you know you -will- be, and it's not just some dream, you know it like, "ok, in two months i'll have enough money to drive to her town" or whatever.
lovers is different of course.
the need is more intense. the stakes seem higher.
if you feel you've lost the reason to go on, you feel like dropping -everything- because you feel you used to -have- everything, and now that you've lost it, anything less just isn't good enough.

*sigh*
the climax for me, though, isn't happiness but rather realization.
happiness can be dull. sap, etc.
a pure living connection, no longer veiled by miscommunication or deceit or promises you can't keep or faces you can't wear-- that is never dull, that is the pure beating center of emotional life.
that's why i read darkfic and angstfic, and so on-- it doesn't so much matter how you feel about your circumstances, or what happens, as long as you know who you are and know what you want and you know who loves you, and that you love them back.

the thing that bothered me with your story as it stood wasn't that it was sad, but that it was so unresolved.
in my head, draco always loves harry, and harry always loves draco. i dunno, it's sort of the way that sherlock holmes will always solve the mystery and jim kirk will always defeat the bad guys :D ahaha a fact of life :D
i mean, settling down and taking things for granted, that's boring--

their love thrives on challenge, on passion, on their wills battling and flinging themselves against each other.
either giving up or giving in, settling down, is too easy :D
i want the passion back :D yah. bang bang baby ;)

Re: Afterword II

[sympathetic-ink.livejournal.com]

I agree with you on the fact that sometimes there really isn't a 'happily ever after'.

the thing that bothered me with your story as it stood wasn't that it was sad, but that it was so unresolved.
in my head, draco always loves harry, and harry always loves draco.

The thing about Afterword is the reason that is was so unresolved was for the very reason that Harry still loved Draco, completely and solely. His jealousy (Emily) and own insecurities were getting in the way, and somewhere along the line, the communication fell away, and even through the relationship was still alive, it was a little incomplete, because there was no talking, no more "I love you's".

But if you want the passion back...I might just be able to deliver. We'll see how it goes. *laughing*

Love~Amy