~~ um. this is what happens when i'm out of it and yet still obsessed with cute girls.

[reenka]

sometimes it seems as if when it comes to sexual orientation, labels are really the most important things. it doesn't have to describe impulses or even behavior, as long as you can stand behind it, as long as you can believe it.

and there's all this support, too. if you're straight, you're supposedly oiled right into the Machine, and if you're queer, you have to work against the system, and you get a whole new support system. you are now persecuted-- different. you know you are different, and you have to deal with it.

but what happens when you can pass for both? there's no need to rebel, no need to be supported. bisexuality doesn't need to be persecuted-- it doesn't even need to be acknowledged. plenty of people go through life excusing things as "slip ups", as just one of those things everyone feels. it's nothing important, just a rite of passage, just a momentary glitch. everyone is horny sometimes. you have your moments, and then you go back to business as usual.

existing in any sort of liminal space has its own sort of inevitable torture. and yet there's no particularly unique angst associated with being flexible on some basic level. it doesn't carry that heartfelt argument of "i just can't help it, i'd be straight but i -can't-". you don't need divine intervention-- any day, you can decide to cut off part of yourself-- you'd still function. it's all a matter of chance anyway-- you could go for years, knowing you -could- fall for people of one sex, but you keep falling for the other one. and if you haven't actually fallen in love yet, what's the difference? you may as well be unisexual.

i feel weird about going to the gay/lesbian/transgendered alliance meetings in school, 'cause well-- i'm not queer. or am i? not queer enough. it's either that, or not feeling straight enough.
    i wonder if it'd help to have bi-specific alliances, some sort of support for the unique problem of not fitting in anywhere, not being able to define yourself by what you're not and what you don't want. there's such a unique pressure to be one way or the other, in life, with so many things. male or female, conservative or liberal, popular or an outcast. but with sexuality in particular, being bi sort of means you're "open" to most people. maybe even "free spirited" or "slightly promiscuous". like it's some sort of cool, hip thing to be, not really anything to shout about or be hung up on. maybe it's just like being ambidexterous. except it's not.

even i. i still ask myself the question: who am i? i don't know, how much are you supposed to like girls before you can say, "i like girls" and you don't add, "well, i like boys, too". and if you don't add it, suddenly everything changes and maybe you're this totally different person, except that makes no sense. you can be heterosexual and "appreciate female beauty". that's what my mother told me when i tried to say i liked girls. that's so superficial. you're supposed to want people for their souls, apparently. if you're gay, it's fine. you can just be a shallow gay person. but most bisexuals would say they look beyond the flesh, underneath the skin. it's almost like it's more like enlightenment than a sexual orientation. maybe suddenly you understand that people are all one.

well, i guess i'm not enlightened. or maybe just too lustful, i dunno. more lustful towards girls than towards boys-- but what does that mean? feeling the ability to fall in love with both, but being more promiscuous in one's desires towards one's own gender? does that mean something? well, for one thing, it means someone can say things to the effect of, "well, your attraction to girls is shallow and thus somewhat discountable, being so superficial. come back when you're more deeply queer."

for me, it's really confusing 'cause all my experience runs mostly one way and my physical obsession mostly the other way. it's a constant process of re-evaluating and re-deciding, always changing my mind about what i want with each new body or personality that catches my fancy. such a weird feeling, still waiting for someone to tell me who i "really am". almost like there could be such a thing as an impartial judge, who'd look at the pattern of my behavior and impulse and probably come up with the same brilliant deduction i did. unless they were to suddenly say, "look! look! if you spent -this- much time obsessing over girls and only -this- much time with boys, that means you're gay. you can relax now. you're gay. oh wait, you're straight. no, really now, straight."

really, it's just freaky being mentally pretty promiscuous and be told it doesn't really count 'cause nothing ever comes of it except lots of sketches of naked girls (since i was twelve or so). although that's really just my mother, but then, most other people either take my word on it or sort of gloss over it without any particular reaction. so all i've got is weird flare-ups of angst provoked by nothing except my usual sensation of having slipped through the cracks. i don't really even know if it's just me or something about being neither here nor there. if people -can- ignore, they -will-, and who's to say that's bad? maybe that's the goal-- if only everyone can be so wonderfully passed over. or something.

but no. the feeling of alienation remains. the feeling of being -other-, without a clear direction to turn to if you wanted to be part of some group. the constant frustration of almost always seeing people in the media being labeled as either gay or straight. i've heard accounts of this-- where people are frustrated they're assumed straight in a straight culture in a straight world. even then, there's a possibility-- an "either or", it's just the other option is undesireable to the mainstream and thus not mentioned. it's rather disturbing to keep seeing there -be- no third or fourth or any other option. one starts to wonder if one -can- feel this way, if it's -real-, or possible even, if contradictory feelings mean you're just confused and you don't know who you are yet.

anyway. what the hell am i doing. i should either sleep or watch `queer as folk'. damn. it just figures that reading/watching about flamingly gay men would be more natural and maybe even more comfortable than any native emotion. heh.

Comments

[wankersore.livejournal.com]

it's really weird that you should post this because about two hours ago i was writing out my thoughts on my own sexuality in my paper journal. i am going to rant at you now because i can't help it. i don't really like labels. of any sort, really. it's like, i don't fit into any group, so don't you dare put me anywhere based on my appearance or attitude or sexuality or interests. people extend beyond labels and stereotypes that come fastened with labels. you are not your job and all of that crap. i am afraid of labels, maybe. i don't want any one thing to become who i am. i don't want people to think of me like, "my slasher friend cassie" or "my geek friend cassie" or "my bisexual friend cassie" or "my oklahoman friend cassie" like it is a distinction and like this one trait is my defining trait. i am not just a slasher, not just a geek, not just bisexual, not just oklahoman. and i have this fear that saying "i am bisexual!" and waving around a flag will frighten girls away from being friends with me, like i'd spend the whole time checking them out or something. or they would think i'm hitting on them if i said, "hey, that shirt looks good on you." i really do fear this, especially since some of my rl-friends-by-association have such high opinions of themslves that i bet they would think that i cannot keep my eyes off them or something. also, it really bothers me that some people seem to expect me to "come out" or mention being bisexual in, you know, my livejournal bio or something. like it is this big thing. i've spoken to people who are also bisexual or seem to think i am immature because i say gender doesn't matter to me. like, if i had a boyfriend who underwent an operation and became a girl, s/he would still be the same person to me, and i would still love them. you know? gender plays absolutely no part in being attracted to someone, for me. i like both, i will just as soon salivate over either. in the end, it's the inside of a person i am attracted to, not the bits on the outside. and the label "bisexual" comes with this stigma of not being able to settle down and pick one sex, of straddling the fence, that you can't fall in love with just one person and be happy with them. and that really pisses me off, that someone bisexual who is in love is so underestimated. i tend to refer to myself merely as sexual as opposed to heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual.

anyway, dude, i'm sorry i just ranted a whole bunch to you, haha, but i was already writing about it anyway, too! so i am all riled up!

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

hee! well, that's my gig, you know. it makes me happy when people talk at me 'cause then i could listen instead of having to ramble myself all the time, which gets embarrassing. if no one ever rambles back >:D

it occurs to me that one probably couldn't tell what exactly my stance was (if i had a stance) about the whole "man, i'm confused" issue-- 'course, that's mainly my stance. -.-
i hate labels too. like, a lot.
and i don't tend to tell people i'm bi or russian or jewish or black-haired or from brooklyn (the worst part, eheheh) or anything, 'cause i don't want the judgment, the feeling like now they think they've figured me out when they haven't, they couldn't possibly have. and most of the time i feel like people are just people, and there is always a whole range of different things i can feel about them, so the bi thing doesn't really even -matter-.

but i was just feeling rather disenfranchised all of a sudden. 'cause i -can't- very well beat my chest or anything. i don't get to be all lusty without seeming disturbingly so, like... if you're bi, you have this image of promiscuity that comes to bite you on the ass.

sometimes i feel rather lost and wonder if i -do- fit some sort of label, if like, you can become more one way than the other with age. especially since it all fluctuates-- one day i like girls a lot more, the other day i'm all obsessed with my ex-bf again. so after ogling the 4th cute girl in a row, i start to wonder if someone else would tell me i'm now "queer enough" if i told them how i feel.
'cause well, i get rather shallow sometimes. okay, a lot of times. and cute girls are my downfall. i'm like a pervy old man, except you know, young & female. hee. at least i don't grab at anyone's chest or anything ><;;

but like, if there are cute girls, i check them out, every time. like a 15-year-old boy, there you go. at least i'm not a 80-year-old pervert now ^^;
it'd be normal if it was boys and stuff. 'cause like, girls always ooh and ahh after every cute guy (usually the player type, but it's the thought that counts). and yah, i can be shallow like that (not that i see them as just slabs of meat or would jump them at the nearest opportunity, i just-- er-- notice). and several people have told me that just noticing is "no big deal". i can be straight and notice. that's not queer enough. which is what pisses me off. though labels piss me off too ^^

i was always confused about never fitting in and never wanting to and yet wanting to -know who i was-, wanting things to be simpler.
*meeps* so yah. i know what you're saying~:) (even if i don't quite know what -i'm- saying, most of the time) -.-

[wankersore.livejournal.com]

no matter who you check out, you are still just you - not to say that "just you" is something plain and simple and, you know, one-dimensional or something, but i don't think there's any such thing as "queer enough" or "only slightly queer" depending on what you feel like ogling. you just are what you are, and i think the fact alone that you check out girls makes you "queer enough" even if the fact that you only ogle makes you "only slightly queer" in some people's books. you're queer enough for you! checking out the merchandise is definitely cool, i am always ogling, too, and i expect my significant others, when i have one, to be cool with that and to check their fill, too. i think everyone does whether they make a big deal about it or not.

ew except this one time i was in a doughnut shop with my mom and there were these high school boys in there and i was just thinking of how much they made me go "ugh" because one of them had this really gross leg hair and ugly white nikes in perfect condition and like, a backwards visor and an earring (which is all good but it was disgusting on him) and i was totally way past turned off by him, but as soon as they left my mom gleefully said, "you were checking them out!" to which i was like "EW NO GOD MOM THEY WERE GROSS!" she looked a little too overjoyed for my tastes. i have not had a bf for 2 1/2 years now, and i think she is getting antsy for me to date again.

ugh there was no point to that story, sorry. :))

at the same time i do understand the desire to fit in somewhere under some specifics, because there is comfort in that. knowing you are not just some freak who is different than everybody else, and that there are people with your same tastes or whatever. there is social acceptance, among other things. things are simpler. just know that i think it's no big deal to fluctuate from day to day on which sex you find more appealing, and that i don't think it's the same thing as being indecisive or promiscuous. i think it is as normal as being in the mood for mexican food one day and italian the next, not that that's the most, you know, correct sort of parallel. i don't mean to say that you wouldn't be able to be happy forever with one member of one or the other sex. :))

*blah blah blahs right back*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

*smiles* thanks ~:D most days... most days i know that i'm okay, as normal as anyone gets, really... but then, i just don't know, and of course i'm a professional wibbler, and it bothers me 'cause my mother always said, "whatever" when i told her i was bi. like, okay i draw naked girls and like naked girl bodies and probably have liked my girlfriends a little too much, but that's normal. it's not like i'm a lesbian biker chick, so everything is fine. i try to tell her and she's like, "let's talk about something important". sigh. and since no one cares & no one persecutes me and stuff, it begins to feel stifling, like i -want- to act out and be someone i'm not just so that.... i dunno. i'm not living in this "assumed straight until proven guilty" sort of world which makes it too easy and too hard at the same time. what with my grandmas so obsessed with my ex (and when am i getting another one? and when am i getting married? and when am i growing up?)

like, there are all these issues that i can't quite have, 'cause i can pass. and i hate that-- how easy it is to pass for normal. whatever -that- is. and i don't pass for it anyway.
sometimes it seems like it's harder to be in-between, not easily classified, harder than just being one way or the other. say i was a dyke-- i'd know what to do with myself, i guess. or at least it seems like that when i'm being all over the place, anyway -.-

like, no one really acknowledges that people like me even exist in the culture at large, 'cause it's uncomfortable and it's hard to even acknowledge myself at times.
though really, 95% of the time i have next to 0 angst about it. heh. so it's not like i'm to start to disenfranchized bisexuals union.
though it might be fun >:D