~~screw destiny, right?

[reenka]

reading `the losing side', chapter 11b.....

alright, stupid question time:
do you think people who hold grudges would love you forever?
is holding on to emotions a talent, like holding your breath, and closing your eyes, and then suddenly discovering you don't need to breathe after all?
do we allow ourselves to change, or are we incapable of stopping love from changing us?
do you become the things you believe?
do you become the things you fear?
do you recreate the things you fear every moment you run from them?

is the persistence of pain proof that entropy is not inevitable?
if you can be really really annoyed at someone until you die, can you love them that long at the same time?
    and like ashkitty said, if anyone could do it, it would be harry, wouldn't it.....
~~

reading olympia_m's `the shining prince' and its sequels hasn't done much to ease my mind (already a bit unstable - ok very unstable), but that's ok.
    i keep thinking of this--

``I thought I'd give my apprehensions all to you
while I was freezing in that luminary burn
I walked the empty corridors behind your words
it seems like I just wasn't meant to follow through"
~~Space Team Electra

it seems so appropriate. it's so hard to change things. so hard. it seems we are doomed to be ourselves, and sometimes no amount of self-awareness or love or hope can stop what instincts have been bred in us by intent or circumstance. it's the worst kind of feeling, in fiction, when your basic fears get reinforced. and yet, everything can be taken from the reverse. as in, so this is what you don't do.....
and then-- and then--
like in the latest chapter of TLS. and then, you can just change the rules. just like that. and then you play your own game. you can decide to grow up and face the person in the mirror, and then, then it's like-- it's not so scary anymore. i don't know how many people do it (i certainly am no one's rolemodel) but. it's possible. that next step. it's possible to take the next step, and no longer play by anyone's rules but your own. is this where ayn rand was coming from??
comparing/contrasting antenora and ayn rand suddenly seems like the most hilarious thing ever. but that's why i did it ^^

it seems to be that if you know who you are, and what you want, you have the power to do it. easier said than done, but hey, everyone needs a goal ^^;;

oh and-- yea, bad, bad me, no review of `the shining prince', because i'm sure everyone is on the edge of their seats. but then i realized-- wait, you're not. hah. it was darkly irresistible. i didn't want to keep reading it because a) i was too sleepy to enjoy the non-linearness; b) i had a bad feeling about where it was going, and i was always right; and c) -- oh hell, there was no c. i loved the poetry (very rare-- i mean, even if i'm nice to you about your poetry, i rarely actually think it's good, heh-- i'm a picky wench, with poetry). it was, as i said, too much for my muddled mind, and i realize i like linearness too much sometimes, but there you have it. i was like... waaahh, just tell me what's going on, cry, wail.

hee. i have a love/hate relationship with challenging style/prose forms. i adore lists-- i can't stand them, they interrupt the flow. i adore fairy-tale inserts/asides, i get too distracted, and again, flow, flow. i love fics that challenge me, wail, wail, just give me a pretty story to lull me to sleep. etc.
i want happy endings-- yeech, happy endings, pat endings, stupid, stupid, next!
i have to say it was a bit overly obtuse (but i was muddled), but i still think it could be more crystalline, and retain its labyrinthine aspects. it's sad, but it's not maudlin, and i admire that, which is why i was afraid. i bloody hate infidelity stories (did i mention hate? yes, i hate/loathe/despise infidelity, thinking about it, having my favorite characters do it, dwelling on it, anything to do with it). especially cheating!harry & clingy!draco rubs me the wrong way (but vice versa, too). so it's a testament to the story that i wasn't really complaining, you see.

i like morally-ambiguous!lucius (what else can he be, but still). i like morally ambiguous and ambiguous in general, with any character. except for love, love should be a sure thing, heh heh. it usually is. you don't "maybe" passionately truly madly deeply insanely want to lose yourself and never come out of a person ^^;;

i actually believe love is never a maybe. you don't "maybe" love someone unless you're a wuss, or you don't know them, or you don't know yourself. all these things happen often, however, so. heh. anyway. harry & draco are such a sure thing (heh. where was it i read that? it made me laugh, when harry said it, because it is so true.)
    read `the shining prince' if you want to depressively moan and resolve to read happier fics in the future, while somehow being satisfied that you got just what you wanted :>
~~

you know what?
i'm almost 90% cured of my inability to imagine myself reading the Draco Trilogy without having an aneurysm. and you know why?? it's just, too funny. i can't hold a grudge against pairings if the fic is just so insane, and also so not really focused on pairings (it seems). so. having read epicyclical's latest cookie, i realize the time hath come to admit i will read the trilogy in the closely foreseeable future. oh woe, woe, me. i may never be the same ^^;;
    this love was meant to be ;P
also, she made ginny make a harry/draco joke for which anyone will have my eternal loff :D

Comments

thank you!

[olympia-m.livejournal.com]

You are extremely kind. Thank you! :)

And I'm sorry it was obtuse at parts. Obviously, this is something I have to work on. Thank you :)