-.-

[reenka]

wah. i want to crawl under a rock -.-
every time it happens it's like, i look around and wonder if i did something Very Wrong, like, that i don't know about. or very boring. unforgivable. unforgivably boring. yes, this is called paranoia. guh.
i mean the unfriending thing. it doesn't even matter who does it, though if it's someone who's friended me awhile ago, even if i've never really talked to them, i just really wonder. especially if they haven't had this massive list-cutting, and it's apparently just me. the thing is, this involves judging people-- their motivations, their feelings. and i have no way of knowing, unless they -are- close friends, and if they were to suddenly "unfriend" (hate that word! hate it! "friending" isn't much better, as if it has anything to do with friendship), i'd just be boggled but i'd have the right to ask.

as is, if you're not "really" friends, you don't -really- have the right to ask. probably. i can't just say, "okay, so if you defriend me, just tell me why", 'cause that's wanky, and embarrassing. and that makes me sound dorky. but then, i -am- dorky. second-guessing people is its own special hell. and like, there's no easy way to avoid it, since we all try to spare each other's feelings, usually by not communicating until it's too late. it's all about, "well, just always assume it's not personal", but how is anyone supposed to be that stable and sensible? everyone wibbles and worries and thinks, "but what if it's something i did", and there's no way around that. and "not personal", what the hell does -that- mean? meaning, you're not really that much of a person so that if someone does something that may affect you, it doesn't matter as much as if they did consider you a person? 'cause say it was your "actual" friend. then, if they did something that would affect you, it's always personal, isn't it, at least, you don't just say it's not and that's it, right.

and even if i'm unfriended, i wibble and go, "should i unfriend back immediately? should i wait? should i see if it's a glitch? should i not do it too fast and look like i was just waiting for it, and wanted to unfriend them anyway?" gaaaahhh. hello, special hell.

should i assume if i'm unfriended, the person doesn't care, and would barely notice if i unfriended back, 'cause that's how -i'm- supposed to react? gaaahhh. hate the friending game (to win, you know who to friend so that you please them and yet don't annoy yourself too much, and who wouldn't care if you friended them back or not, and who is dying to get to know you better and who just friended you on a whim and you can ignore them). hate the unfriending game. hate stupid system. hate interpersonal minefields and second-guessing and never knowing anything and being antisocial and reaping what i sow. hateit. cannot easily handle these things which involve having to assume things that other people don't tell me straight out. always afraid i assume wrong. am not socially adept. am complete basketcase. someone put me out of my misery.

and now, back to queer as folk and hot gay sex. not to mention trying to write fic -.- and sleep. and gah, there's a list somewhere...

Comments

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

ah, this only affects people i friended awhile back when i friended back everyone. and sometimes i only keep them around 'cause they keep me around. i friended a lot of people like that.
some people i friended 'cause i wanted access to friends-locked posts (though only a few), but there were -some-.
some people i friended 'cause they friended me and i friend people who friend me and seem interesting or are well-known and i'm just flattered, so.

so it's not a game, but figuring out what people think of me when they defriend me is like a puzzle, which makes it game-like, but i don't mean i know how to play it or am implying there are hard-and-fast rules. i just observe rather closely, and there -are- games -others- are playing, even if i'm not, so i'm aware of that, see?

*hugs back*
it's just, it hurts 'cause i always wonder if i'm boring or suddenly lame and they're implying something about me, somehow. it's hard to totally not think that. *sighs*
but i try~:)