~~teeny-tiny ficlet part 2
Sep. 15th, 2002 01:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkai never know where i'm going, with ficlets or anything else.
sap turns melancholy and angst becomes a religious experience and most things don't get finished.
i think i could keep going with this, but i don't know if i will.
just in case, i'll call these semi-sappy burbles ``lost & found".
just because. & i like cheese....
~~right.
Right now, when I look at you, I smile, because you don't know, do you. And that's alright, because you need to think I don't know, you need to think I'm lost, and you'd found me. And maybe I was, and maybe that's not news, anyway.
You think I'm sleeping, but I'm not. My eyelashes lowered in the semi-darkness, I'm all about stealth and cunning, but I guess you wouldn't be all that proud, because I watch you. I watch you, and I'm starting to glow more and more, because while I don't know what you're thinking, I know you're watching me too, a strange little smile on your face.
You brush my hair back, and I have to stifle a sigh. Minute by minute, hour by hour, gesture by gesture, you keep me as drowned as in the first moment. There are so many ways.
I can't really believe you think all this is unconscious, but then, you were never really all that good at seeing past your own nose, were you? You never noticed me, really, did you. You only noticed The Boy Who Lived, he who was your rival, he who dared challenge you. That's alright, that's what everyone saw. I'm enjoying this, you know, this respite from myself. I'm having so much fun, it's like I'm on vacation from myself, and I'm finally getting to do all those things I missed out on, all those things I couldn't get away with, when everyone was watching my every move. You study me, like I'm some kind of unknown, skittish animal, liable to jump and bite as soon as lick, and I like that. I twirl you around and chuckle at the consternation on your face, the conflict between seeing just how far I'll go, and reasserting your facade. But I won't tell, will I? I don't even know who I am, after all.
You smell too good, when my nose is buried in your shoulder, and I just have to sigh. You taste like someone's last dream before dying, sweet as blueberries, pure as stream-water. When our knees brush together, when our fingers touch, I tingle all over, and I feel like if I just closed my eyes, and -wished-, I could do magic, just like that. Did you know that I think it's worth it, every single day I tear away from my life and throw up into the air, like a glass ball, only to be caught by your hands each time. So you may guess why I smile like an idiot, and I'm sure you do, but I don't think you'll guess right. I'm playing your game, Draco, and I'm winning.
It's true enough I don't remember what I was doing, sinking into the sea that night, and what led up to it. It's also true that I don't want to know. If this forgiveness is an illusion, if this light is false, I don't think I want to know. I joke to myself, thinking that you feel more right than you have any right to be. Right now, the present binds me, and I am so much more than willing. I am asking.
You feel more right than my every conviction, so much that you are beyond them. You are beyond everything I ever knew, and ever since I saw you again, I lost all idea of what I was supposed to be feeling, because truth is, all I could feel was you.
Don't get me wrong, I know very well what regret is. I'd always done the best I could, but so often, it wasn't enough. I'm not fooling myself-- I know this isn't enough. Soon enough the game will be over, and I know better than to imagine either of us will win. I've become selfish and possibly cruel. If I could forget even more, I would, but this is all I have. This space I've made, where I could keep still, and want you. I steal kisses at night, since you keep me at arm's length during the day, and as much as I am able, I peel away layers of you, trying to go deeper and deeper. As deep as I can go. I don't have a secret plan, though. There's just this, right now.
Now, I just want your mouth. I just want your mouth pushing against me, and your hips leaning into mine, and your knees to not hold you up as well as they seem to, all the time. I just want your breath, morning, day and night, ever since I'd first tasted it that day, when you thought you'd save me because I couldn't save myself. And I'd show you how untrue that is, except I don't think I want to. I like to think I can't save myself from this. I like to think no one could expect me to fight now. And though my progress is sporadic, we've got all the time in the world. I believe that. It's just, the time is all right now. And while I don't know when this need started, that much is here to stay.
~~
It was all he could see. He was drowning in blue. It was all around him, spinning circles around his eyes, sinking into his mouth, just as he was sinking into -it-. At first, all he could see was sky, and then it broke into pieces, and he realized he was staring into someone's eyes. For long minutes he had no idea who was behind those eyes, but he never wanted to stop looking. Everything was really quiet except for the whooshing, swaying sound still trapped in his head, seemingly without beginning or end. He thought distantly that the other's eyes weren't supposed to be blue at all, it was wrong, somehow, but that wasn't helping. The more he looked, the more he could see the sky and the ocean and everything around him, contained and reflected inside them. He didn't have the presence of mind to expect anything, or even to notice much. He knew, as clearly as he could at the time, that those eyes were usually a clear, wintery color, silver flashing near the center in anger or amusement. And maybe they were, still, and the blue was merely illusion, a trick of the light. He was spectacularly disinclined to investigate.
``Do you know your name?" someone said. The voice came from somewhere far away, whereas the eyes were seemingly everywhere, almost inside him.
He didn't answer, and in fact, he couldn't.
I know yours, he thought.
~~
You think you're seeing me as you'd never be able to, were things "right", but really, the reverse is true. Ever since the moment I opened my eyes, and there were yours, glittering with silver shadows and concern, I had to know. I had to know you.
~~
How often do I forgive myself for these sins?
And how often do I forgive you?
Every time. Right now.
~~
sap turns melancholy and angst becomes a religious experience and most things don't get finished.
i think i could keep going with this, but i don't know if i will.
just in case, i'll call these semi-sappy burbles ``lost & found".
just because. & i like cheese....
~~right.
Right now, when I look at you, I smile, because you don't know, do you. And that's alright, because you need to think I don't know, you need to think I'm lost, and you'd found me. And maybe I was, and maybe that's not news, anyway.
You think I'm sleeping, but I'm not. My eyelashes lowered in the semi-darkness, I'm all about stealth and cunning, but I guess you wouldn't be all that proud, because I watch you. I watch you, and I'm starting to glow more and more, because while I don't know what you're thinking, I know you're watching me too, a strange little smile on your face.
You brush my hair back, and I have to stifle a sigh. Minute by minute, hour by hour, gesture by gesture, you keep me as drowned as in the first moment. There are so many ways.
I can't really believe you think all this is unconscious, but then, you were never really all that good at seeing past your own nose, were you? You never noticed me, really, did you. You only noticed The Boy Who Lived, he who was your rival, he who dared challenge you. That's alright, that's what everyone saw. I'm enjoying this, you know, this respite from myself. I'm having so much fun, it's like I'm on vacation from myself, and I'm finally getting to do all those things I missed out on, all those things I couldn't get away with, when everyone was watching my every move. You study me, like I'm some kind of unknown, skittish animal, liable to jump and bite as soon as lick, and I like that. I twirl you around and chuckle at the consternation on your face, the conflict between seeing just how far I'll go, and reasserting your facade. But I won't tell, will I? I don't even know who I am, after all.
You smell too good, when my nose is buried in your shoulder, and I just have to sigh. You taste like someone's last dream before dying, sweet as blueberries, pure as stream-water. When our knees brush together, when our fingers touch, I tingle all over, and I feel like if I just closed my eyes, and -wished-, I could do magic, just like that. Did you know that I think it's worth it, every single day I tear away from my life and throw up into the air, like a glass ball, only to be caught by your hands each time. So you may guess why I smile like an idiot, and I'm sure you do, but I don't think you'll guess right. I'm playing your game, Draco, and I'm winning.
It's true enough I don't remember what I was doing, sinking into the sea that night, and what led up to it. It's also true that I don't want to know. If this forgiveness is an illusion, if this light is false, I don't think I want to know. I joke to myself, thinking that you feel more right than you have any right to be. Right now, the present binds me, and I am so much more than willing. I am asking.
You feel more right than my every conviction, so much that you are beyond them. You are beyond everything I ever knew, and ever since I saw you again, I lost all idea of what I was supposed to be feeling, because truth is, all I could feel was you.
Don't get me wrong, I know very well what regret is. I'd always done the best I could, but so often, it wasn't enough. I'm not fooling myself-- I know this isn't enough. Soon enough the game will be over, and I know better than to imagine either of us will win. I've become selfish and possibly cruel. If I could forget even more, I would, but this is all I have. This space I've made, where I could keep still, and want you. I steal kisses at night, since you keep me at arm's length during the day, and as much as I am able, I peel away layers of you, trying to go deeper and deeper. As deep as I can go. I don't have a secret plan, though. There's just this, right now.
Now, I just want your mouth. I just want your mouth pushing against me, and your hips leaning into mine, and your knees to not hold you up as well as they seem to, all the time. I just want your breath, morning, day and night, ever since I'd first tasted it that day, when you thought you'd save me because I couldn't save myself. And I'd show you how untrue that is, except I don't think I want to. I like to think I can't save myself from this. I like to think no one could expect me to fight now. And though my progress is sporadic, we've got all the time in the world. I believe that. It's just, the time is all right now. And while I don't know when this need started, that much is here to stay.
~~
It was all he could see. He was drowning in blue. It was all around him, spinning circles around his eyes, sinking into his mouth, just as he was sinking into -it-. At first, all he could see was sky, and then it broke into pieces, and he realized he was staring into someone's eyes. For long minutes he had no idea who was behind those eyes, but he never wanted to stop looking. Everything was really quiet except for the whooshing, swaying sound still trapped in his head, seemingly without beginning or end. He thought distantly that the other's eyes weren't supposed to be blue at all, it was wrong, somehow, but that wasn't helping. The more he looked, the more he could see the sky and the ocean and everything around him, contained and reflected inside them. He didn't have the presence of mind to expect anything, or even to notice much. He knew, as clearly as he could at the time, that those eyes were usually a clear, wintery color, silver flashing near the center in anger or amusement. And maybe they were, still, and the blue was merely illusion, a trick of the light. He was spectacularly disinclined to investigate.
``Do you know your name?" someone said. The voice came from somewhere far away, whereas the eyes were seemingly everywhere, almost inside him.
He didn't answer, and in fact, he couldn't.
I know yours, he thought.
~~
You think you're seeing me as you'd never be able to, were things "right", but really, the reverse is true. Ever since the moment I opened my eyes, and there were yours, glittering with silver shadows and concern, I had to know. I had to know you.
~~
How often do I forgive myself for these sins?
And how often do I forgive you?
Every time. Right now.
~~
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-09-15 07:50 am (UTC)But especially here:
Ever since the moment I opened my eyes, and there were yours, glittering with silver shadows and concern, I had to know. I had to know you.
~~
How often do I forgive myself for these sins?
And how often do I forgive you?
Every time. Right now.
~~
Maybe you should try a songfic:)
no subject
Date: 2002-09-16 12:04 am (UTC)this ficlet was lovely to begin with, but now... i just love the way your harry has turned everything around, taken control of the situation.
and your descriptions were so beautiful. i think, though, that i like the end the best. Every time. Right now.
:sighs wistfully:
no subject
Date: 2002-09-16 01:23 pm (UTC)hee. i've a feeling my harry is a bit too good (or hedonistic. or wordy. one of those things) to be true, but i'm glad he's given some pleasure in his OOCness~:D
~reena