["deep thoughts", by reena]

[reenka]

I think the reason I can't leave fandom alone, even though perhaps we're not suited for one another, is that feeling... the way it so consistently and repeatedly makes me wonder if I'm completely delusional (and I seriously consider this!) or whether like, it's the other 95%. *____* Though actually, I'm like this with life in general-- maybe it's why I still haven't run away to a deserted island (alone). As in, AM I NUTS OR IS IT EVERYONE ELSE?

...I'm not sure whether that's a rhetorical question or not, btw. :> However, being a shipper inspires these moments of wtfuckery more than a lot of other things.

It's just somehow really off-putting and weird (yet mesmerizing) to realize that the only issue at play is really subjectivity itself-- like, since I'm not talking about objective truth anyway, obviously I'll keep running up against the fact that most people have REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY different ideas of what's believable/cool/worthwhile/etc. ^^; The other thing is-- I'm very very sensitive to words & ideas expressed in words and my own reactions and philosophies as they relate to those words/ideas. I can't very easily read things & ignore the style, subtext, precise connotation of expression and metaphor and so on-- things most people would filter out and be left with the OMG SQUEE. I'm like, 'but don't they REALIZE, don't they NOTICE all these issues/problems/shades of meaning that are problematic???!'-- and it just occurred to me that MAYBE THEY DON'T. Maybe even if they could, they can switch it -off- to enjoy the shippiness/porn/whatever, whereas I -always- pay attention (and I'm really tired & out of it right now!)

The -only- time I don't is when I read total 100% pure-grade porn like what devilfancy sometimes writes; like, she somehow manages to write stuff (sometimes, not every time!) that can bypass my brain and go straight to my libido. But it actually takes a really awesome writer to bypass my brain to go to my emotions instead. It seems like it should be a gift, but it's really a curse; I really can't appreciate the things I'm meant to 'cause I'm always hyper-sensitized & aware... so perhaps it's not that -they- are delusional/crazy/dumb but that I'm just ridiculously over-responsive, I dunno.

A lot of my problems could stem from the fact that I'm always paying close attention, always thinking & feeling & putting my all in the reception of shippy fics because I'm emotionally invested in them, which is what makes me pay attention to anything. Other people express emotional investment differently, or they just aren't as sensitive to words, or they don't care as much (d'oh!). I'm like, BUT THIS SHADE OF MEANING IS SO CRUDE AND UNLIKELY AND STUPID while they're like, OOOH, HAWWY LIKES DWAKO!!1 It's like speaking a totally different language, totally.

Comments

[wobblygoblin.livejournal.com]

Haha, I <3 you.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

<3!! hee