~red shoe diaries, heh.
Aug. 8th, 2002 12:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkathis is weird. actually. kind of. really.
am i afraid to feel good?
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
vanityfair posted a new ficlet. and i looked at it. and it looked so, so yummy. and i quickly closed the window, thinking "in a minute". like. i'm not prepared to squeal right now. is that not weird? same with dahlia_777's latest chapter. i'm like, oooooo i know it's gonna be so, so good...aaack i -can't take it-!
when `he' tells me something i don't want to believe, i believe it, and i want to cry, and yet i understand it and it's not too threatening. when he's sweet, i scoff. yet i crave it. it's like my skin is all raw, and i'm completely sensitized to this utter joy that is reading. that is -living-.
how does one cope with feeling so orgasmic over things? i mean, some people have this blahness problem. i don't. i so don't have a blahness problem. it SUCKS! a good ficlet can really make me swoon. the sky can really make me tingle. someone's silence can really drive me insane.
i don't want to like, not care, instead. i mean, it really does feel good, even sadness. it makes me feel alive. but it's frightening, all that energy, wanting to get out of me. i've always dampened myself, being afraid of really-- running like i want to. i'd always be running. i'd be that girl in the red enchanted shoes, dancing 'til she died. dancing and dancing and dancing over hill, over dale, into death. so instead of the red dancing girl, i become the little match girl, holding my joy close, rationing it and using it to pretend i can't feel the winter-- daydreaming away, missing the actual rush of heat i could be feeling.
emotions are so frightening. and make one feel so darned -stupid-. so raw. so foolish. no one is there to really reassure you that it's ok. no one is there to really share it-- you're always feeling it alone, even if someone else says they feel the same thing about the same thing, they lie, they fucking lie. *sigh* um. see? angsty again :> so these are my red shoe diaries. my passion is my fashion, this summer. and my passion is words.
P.S. ~~*sigh*... i love peter s. beagle with a deep and abiding love. well. er. disclaimer: not in an "i want to share your toothbrush" sort of way. more in a ..."you & your thoughts are so beautiful i want to sing" sort of way. which is much better, anyway, isn't it? :) see, this is why i adore the japanese. they have so many levels of love. "aishiteru" isn't just thrown around. mmmm, aishiteru. god i love that sound. re: peter beagle, i think what i feel would be... "daisuki" hehehehe *fangirl giggles*. atashi... daisuki yo!! hee :)
am i afraid to feel good?
vanityfair posted a new ficlet. and i looked at it. and it looked so, so yummy. and i quickly closed the window, thinking "in a minute". like. i'm not prepared to squeal right now. is that not weird? same with dahlia_777's latest chapter. i'm like, oooooo i know it's gonna be so, so good...aaack i -can't take it-!when `he' tells me something i don't want to believe, i believe it, and i want to cry, and yet i understand it and it's not too threatening. when he's sweet, i scoff. yet i crave it. it's like my skin is all raw, and i'm completely sensitized to this utter joy that is reading. that is -living-.
how does one cope with feeling so orgasmic over things? i mean, some people have this blahness problem. i don't. i so don't have a blahness problem. it SUCKS! a good ficlet can really make me swoon. the sky can really make me tingle. someone's silence can really drive me insane.
i don't want to like, not care, instead. i mean, it really does feel good, even sadness. it makes me feel alive. but it's frightening, all that energy, wanting to get out of me. i've always dampened myself, being afraid of really-- running like i want to. i'd always be running. i'd be that girl in the red enchanted shoes, dancing 'til she died. dancing and dancing and dancing over hill, over dale, into death. so instead of the red dancing girl, i become the little match girl, holding my joy close, rationing it and using it to pretend i can't feel the winter-- daydreaming away, missing the actual rush of heat i could be feeling.
emotions are so frightening. and make one feel so darned -stupid-. so raw. so foolish. no one is there to really reassure you that it's ok. no one is there to really share it-- you're always feeling it alone, even if someone else says they feel the same thing about the same thing, they lie, they fucking lie. *sigh* um. see? angsty again :> so these are my red shoe diaries. my passion is my fashion, this summer. and my passion is words.
P.S. ~~*sigh*... i love peter s. beagle with a deep and abiding love. well. er. disclaimer: not in an "i want to share your toothbrush" sort of way. more in a ..."you & your thoughts are so beautiful i want to sing" sort of way. which is much better, anyway, isn't it? :) see, this is why i adore the japanese. they have so many levels of love. "aishiteru" isn't just thrown around. mmmm, aishiteru. god i love that sound. re: peter beagle, i think what i feel would be... "daisuki" hehehehe *fangirl giggles*. atashi... daisuki yo!! hee :)
