[oh, that green-eyed boy....]

[reenka]

You know how they say you get attached to a fandom, then you drift away, but even so you stay around 'cause of the friends you make. And of course it's true for me too, though it's more like I stay around livejournal for the people, not fandom. Fandom was always mainly a vehicle to see fanfic and fanart and produce some sometimes. And unlike most people who seem to mainly like fanart as a way to see their favorite character or pairing portrayed, the sexier the better, I just like fanart as its own thing, the way I like fanfic as a 'thing'. Uh. If that makes sense.

Anyway... I was on my way to the video store to rent season 4 of Alias, and there's this poster of GoF, and... naturally, the only one I had eyes for was Harry. I literally had to restrain myself from squealing and saying 'BABY!!' out loud. I did sort of mutter it :D :D :D Omg yes, I'm still a crazed fan. Of Harry and/or anyone who remotely resembles him :> I mean, I'm not what you'd call a big Dan Radcliffe fan. It's just that it's 'okay' to think of him as Harry, and I take any excuse, ahahaha. Yeah, I'm that bad -.-

I guess-- I don't miss the H/D fics (much), writing or reading-- and I don't know if I miss the meta or even the fanart (which I still love even though it seems most of the H/D BNF fanartists are gone-- they are, aren't they?). I'm still nominally in touch with most of my old fandom friends (whenever I'm not too obsessed to read my flist), but. What I miss... what I miss now is Harry. Thinking about him, writing about him-- drawing him still comes so naturally.

It's like... it's not like I've ever really had 'something to say' about Harry the way I did with Draco. Draco's the one I could see tons of interesting fics for, the one I could play around with-- but after one reads enough fics and plays enough games, what's left is just pure affection. The simple, uncomplicated love of a character that's the most basic property of being a fan-- the first thing to come and the last to leave. Like fire.

Without even thinking about it, Harry's the one I start to mindlessly doodle. I always start with the glasses, y'know. Glasses + a huge mop of black hair = Harry <3<3<3 It's really that simple. Oh, and he has a wand, a sort of broody expression and he's apparently always around 12-14 in my head :D

I was thinking how even with most other aspects of my fannish love gone, this remains for some reason: a dark-haired boy with a fierce green gaze, staring intently at something he's holding in his palm. Staring unblinking at the flickering green light in front of him, lips slightly parted. He's thinking of the past and the future, of his parents and his girlfriend and his friends, and he's thinking of death.
    I love that boy. I always will.

Comments

[black-dog.livejournal.com]

I was both frustrated and resigned when JKR made him all strong and compartmentalizing again 'cause realistic or not, I -wanted- more exploration of my favorite subject, y'know? . . . though I could always tell that's not the story she wanted to tell 'cause she was never a character-driven writer.

I think if I didn't see the potential there in JKR I wouldn't care so much. I partly agree that, at least in HBP, she's chosen to keep things more plot driven than character driven. But this almost seems like a betrayal of some really interesting things she has at least started to do earlier in the series.

I remember making a long argument in one of pauraque's re-reads (http://pauraque.livejournal.com/171696.html) that PS/SS was a really profound analysis of the classic problem of whether you can really escape yourself. I mean, the whole tension that book is about whether Harry is so damaged that the WW is going to be a false liberation for him, that he's just going to end up repeating all the failures and humiliations he's gotten used to, and maybe end up as Hagrid's pathetic assistant or something. It's really carefully wrought by JKR and suggests an intense focus on Harry's interior issues. In the same way, the beginning of CoS, Harry's conversation with Dobby, shows very slyly what's wrong with how Harry connects (or avoids connection) with other people. And I bored everyone by arguing over and over, back in the day, that OOTP was a very rigorous analysis of the psychology of anger.

So I think you can come up with all sorts of examples of some really profound things that JKR sometimes takes the time to get into deeply. And when she abandons this sort of thing for plot, plot, plot in HBP, I think the disappointment is about more than just personal reader preferences. I think there's a real case to be made that she chose not to bother further with some very important material that she raised, herself. And daydreaming about a story that was adequate to that material is, as you say, an enduring incentive for fanfic.