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10. There may or may not be subtle mocking of fanon cliches disguised as perfectly ordinary porn where Draco loses face and Harry is dense yet snarky. Alternatively, the mocking is very clear and yet no one cares 'cause they're mocking each other in between attempts to get down each other's pants.

9. You get the odd creeping sense everything that happens is an excuse for (angsty) sex. Which is actually true. You also get the sense all the vague metaphors and allusions actually secretly mean something-- which is not true.

8. People are snarky in inappropriate situations, though usually not during sex; sex is somehow weirdly vanilla for all the dirt and spit and blood that frequently gets in there somehow. Oh, and there's biting and frottage; lots of frottage, possibly while pissed (either literally or alcoholically).

7. Draco suffers. Draco suffers some more. And then Draco does something pathetic yet vaguely sympathetic, and Harry has sex with him, maybe, while cursing his dark and vapid destiny. Oh, and if neither of them are in the fic, you get the oh-so-subtle references to how they're both doing that anyway.

6. There isn't actually a plot, mostly, though there's usually either angst (where no one dies) or satire (where no one gets laid if the author can help it, and by 'no one', she means 'Draco'). Often both are present, just to confuse onlookers.

5. Almost never more than 3 characters talking at a time. What am I saying, it's actually never.

4. There are run-on sentences, ellipses, parentheses, perhaps a dash or ten, and of course the recurring overuse of certain useless words like 'like', 'still', 'perhaps', and so on. Lots of words for color and texture, but little in the way of descriptions of surroundings. Possibly obscure references to myths and legends, and definitely overuse of dream sequences.

3. Harry is a (broody) asshole. Draco is a (resentful) asshole. Ginny is homicidal. Luna is even more out there than usual. Pansy is very very gay, and also not a brunette. Remus really likes swallowing rocks. Ron pretty rocks out with the straight sex and being way too adorable and sane for Harry.

2. The ending is ambiguous, open-ended, or just altogether confusing. Either that, or people fall asleep after sex (the end).

1. You keep waiting and waiting for the promised fic, but the fic never actually arrives. (ba-da-bum!)