[mrarf?]

[reenka]

Man, skimming through ljsecret makes me feel all weird, like I'm 16 again.

I don't have anything like that to say, though I've felt or done several of the things other people say. I think when I feel something bursting inside me, like it's gonna cut me up if I keep it in, I write a poem or a story. If I'm frustrated, if I want to fall in love, if I want to confess, if I want someone to want me, anything-- I can just write it. I'm not sure if this is a secret or not, or does every writer do it? It's like, all these pictures&words are creative, cathartic, and I wonder how you could do it once and not do it all the time. And I also wonder why it's enough for me and not enough for them, but then I remember that 'enough', in my terms, is basically 'enough not to go crazy', and that's probably not a good measure.

This reminds me of anony!memes and such, and how people distrust them and dislike them but I don't, really. I think the urge to say something anonymously, the urge to lie about yourself, the urge to tell the truth and hide the truth all at once-- that is, at heart, the creative urge before it's fully blossomed. I think creativity has something to do with letting go of secrets you didn't know about and the secrets you can never quite tell if you did-- there's that definite purging, cathartic element alongside the storytelling, though for some the storytelling's more important and for some the catharsis.

Looking at ljsecret, it just strikes me that it's not just people who self-identify as writers or artists-- so many of us have these -things-, these obsessions, the words that won't come through normal channels. I think that's what all creative writing feels like, storytelling or cathartic in nature-- it's using that other channel.


Anonymity has something to do with it, too. I mean, unless you're writing an autobiography, you're basically anonymous as soon as you make it 'fiction', in a way, aren't you, because it's not about you anymore. Even though it totally is; it always is, whether or not the writer even realizes it. Not 'about you' in a direct sense necessarily, but in a deeper sense, yeah.

I think another reason I'm fascinated with secrets & anonymity is because I'm so interested in the nature of what you might call 'personal truth'. I think when it comes to the truth about themselves, most people will always hedge their bets, protect their weak points, lie to themselves if there's doubt-- and I can't help it, I always want to see that ripped away. Not in any aggressive sense, but maybe in a voeyuristic one. Voyeurism-- that has something to do with the draw of writing (and reading) stories too, I think. Especially voeyurism about people's most private moments and feelings. I mean, if it's not hidden and deeply guarded and all that, the reward isn't as high, it seems like. It's not as much of a challenge to know, and when known, to understand, because isn't the heart of another person always going to be Other or alien in some way?

It's not always enough to just watch, of course, to just read and understand people. Especially when you feel someone's pain and can't do anything about it, because even if you knew them, you're not close enough to them to ever make a difference-- that really bothers me. I think that's why I wouldn't check such a community regularly; it would frustrate me to the point of depression eventually, I think. Even now, when I think about some of those confessions too long, I feel... I feel like I've let someone down, let all these people down, and I don't even know them.
    (Funny, because some of my actual friends probably think I'm distant and insensitive, and I'm not a very 'hands-on' friend at the best of times-- I just listen and in the end, don't even know how to act if it's all up to me.)

Like that person who wishes they had the 'courage' to blow their brains out, or the person whose friends know they're gay but they wish they didn't.
    I don't know what I could possibly say to them, even if I knew them & we were close friends. That's why perhaps it's easier (and harder) -not- knowing, having it be out of my hands entirely. I always feel I -could- do something, -should- do something, either because I've been there and survived, or because I know they really need help, someone to understand them, and I do understand so doesn't mean I should help?

Aaah, I don't know. I think it's a lot easier to run away from direct contact and trying to reach people in a straightforward sense, just because of various limitations, a lot of them mine, but some of them the limitations of how much people can share with each other in most circumstances. It almost seems like another answer to watch & create & tell your secrets to the reeds-- actually, that fairytale of the farmer who told his secrets to the reeds which then had a flute fashioned from them-- I think, sometimes, that's all I can do as well, and that's what writing gives you.

I also love this quote and think it's appropriate:
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.
- Anaïs Nin
~~

In much happier news, wobblygobblin just made me deleriously happy with her pregnant!winged!Draco & vampire!banshee!Harry<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 I think this is currently my fave H/D pic of ALL TIME.

MY LOFF KNOWS NO BOUNDS *_______*!!1 XD

Comments

[mijan.livejournal.com]

Squee!

In my case, I desperately search for good!fic, and when something rubs me the wrong way, I frantically hit the back-button and try to Obliviate myself as fast as possible.