reenka

When I read a poem by e.e. cummings, I seriously think-- seriously-- if I could be just like him, there is nothing else I'd want. There are, of course, many other poets I worship & respect, but only cummings makes my heart clench in paroxysms of hero-worship (leaving Shakespeare alone for the moment, because he is god & I, sadly, mortal). It has a lot to do with surprise, I think-- never knowing what the next line will bring. In essence, the reason I like cummings so very much is that (to quote Pullman) he writes things "I would never in a million years have thought of myself". So perhaps what I want most is just-- to write something I wouldn't have expected. The writer becomes another reader; and maybe this... er, lack of desire to be in control is also a problem.

I do agree with Pullman that there's really no such thing as 'writer's block', only laziness. At the same time. . ..

I think I'm also afraid of -forcing- my writing too much-- like if I do, I couldn't 'trust' it on some level, to be 'real' (like, 'what really happened'). It would be like 'a story I made up' (a fib?) rather than 'the right story' or 'how it should've happened' (being separate from 'how it really happened', about which I don't necessarily always care anyway). In some ways, I always want to write the ideal incarnation of any story-- like, sometimes you can see, even in others' stories, the one that really should have been written, could've been written and wasn't. I think I'm constantly, sometimes unconsciously, tormented by the idea that I'm writing a 'fake' version of the 'real' story, where I just wasn't honest with myself enough at some point-- or the characters weren't-- and there was a crucial opportunity lost, so that now they're living a half-life. Not quite their own life.

I know, I know it sounds ridiculous & uber-mystical to the point of mumbo-jumbo, but I don't mean it that way. I just mean that I think characters tend to have a story to tell-- their story-- and if you mess up, you'll end up telling something that seems like it -could- be their story, but really they're just sort of passing time, and the meaning is lost. It's all pretty amorphous 'cause I 'know it when I see it' but I can't put my finger on what a story is 'supposed' to be until it gets there (and I'm aware this is my own limitation, here.)

In Aja's anonymous meme, someone said I was self-indulgent re: my fic rather bluntly (to the point where I wonder if it's possible to be offensively self-indulgent), and I guess I am, but I try really really hard not to be as much as I can. I try not to only 'just write' what first comes to mind but to also challenge myself, my assumptions, my boundaries. If there's a pairing I hate, chances are I've tried to write it-- if there's a character I don't get, chances are I've tried writing a fic with them in it-- and that's some of the stuff I'm proudest of. I give in to self-indulgence a lot in literally all other aspects of my life except writing (and Harry/Draco in specific), so it's odd I can't just sit down and -write- for months now. I realize I'm taking it way -too- seriously, rather than being self-indulgent, or maybe I'm just being self-indulgent in a whole different way. It's so hard to tell and control myself with this. I just want to -succeed- somehow, and of course I can never really please myself because it's probably impossible to please me on the ultimate level.

The problem, really, is that I feel my alternative to that despised self-indulgence is a sort of extreme perfectionism where I will never sit down out of sheer intimidation by my own standards. I can't accept doing less than my best with H/D, because I've chosen to pursue writing it seriously at one point, but at the same time without inspiration, writing becomes the worst sort of torture of imagined inadequacies and looming failure. It's nothing like being a mechanic or a gardener or a doctor in that sense, because it's not just a job, not just a rote performance-- not a performance at all, really. At its most intimidating height, all writing becomes just a little like prophecy (a prophecy of -oneself- and one's hidden dreams/fears/desires), just a little like a confession.
Any technical 'just do it' approach will indeed work, but only with a certain sort of writer, I believe. And it's not a question of being 'better' or 'worse'; in the end, it comes down to what do you intend to -get- from your writing and what do you want to bring to it.

In conclusion: please someone kill my fic for me before I kill it myself. -.- Or perhaps I should really try

ivyblossom's great advice about thinking & plotting the story rather than always having to -write- it if I don't think I can. Though one can tell times are getting desperate when it sounds more fun to write fanfic outtakes for your fanfic than to actually... write your fanfic ^^;;
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There's also been a post about apologists vs redemptionistas germinating (incubating? percolating??) in my head recently-- but I dunno if I actually want to get into it. There's a crucial difference, I think, between apologizing for (ie, excusing, explaining away or justifying, whichever) a character's offensive behavior and merely saying it can change if the circumstances changed.

I agree with

angua9 that there's a definite polarizing impulse in fandom, a sort of battle between the 'forces' of victimization and vilification, one often leading to the other as a reactionary tactic. I think the one that annoys me more just depends on which one I'm most confronted with that particular day, though maybe I can say that victimization (and apologism) makes me sad rather than upset just 'cause I don't think it's actually helpful to the characters involved to pity them (thus placing oneself on some kind of moral high ground).
But I realize not everyone has the moratorium on pity that I do. I myself much prefer to either accept characters as they are (offensiveness included), or to look for ways to make them more sympathetic in a natural way, not through argument but through example and self-realization or growth in a story. It's just my natural resistance to any sort of 'moral lesson', I guess. I hate those, man. Yeah, I guess that does make me amoral scum, but eh :>
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On a completely different note,

attics has a most unique take on drawing Harry and H/D. Also,

a_fallen_sister drew this Sirius/Remus sketch that I particularly like even if they're slightly too 'mature' for my tastes. And I really really loved

agarfuith's 20s Draco, what with the little walking stick and all. Whee for Watercolor! :D ♥
And! Omg,

22by7's Harry and angsty HBP!Draco & my favorite Remus in ages, even if he is with Tonks (and also an amazing Sirius, omg). Yes.