[novella babble]
Dec. 15th, 2005 04:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaMan, listening to Radiohead's 'Creep' always makes me think of my Draco. And, of course, it makes me wonder why is it that I'm so very fascinated with all the possible variations of Draco's angst & self-doubt, since most people who like characters seem to want to-- well, give them sex (with either one or many other characters) or at least write things exploring their childhood or everyday life. I think one could honestly say that my overriding main interest in writing fanfic is really pushing Draco Malfoy to the edge of existential bitterness and maybe a few steps back. Sort of like I like pushing Harry to the edge of psychotic rage, but that's not quite as full of potential, because really, Harry's more predictable.
I mean, I like happy endings as much as the next romantic, and yet.... I think, in some ways, you need the right characters & dynamic for that to work quite right in terms of interesting stories.
Basically, yeah, I'm listening to my novella soundtrack, so I can't help thinking of all this.
I remember reading a few posts on why people write angst, and people tend to say generalized things about liking pain or extreme emotion or facing the bleakness of life or something, and the truth is, I don't really like any of those things in general, only in specific, when applied to specific characters. There's a tendency for fans to treat characters they really like as if they were real people, so they have consistent 'relationships' with them which might determine what sort of story context they'd want to place them into. I think... I think Draco isn't 'real' to me so much as a mask-- in the sense of an avatar. Before HBP, it was easier to use him this way, probably, because my vision didn't infringe or overlap with canon yet-- and now, it just feels like canon has pinned down Draco's coming-of-age angst, has basically filled in enough of the imaginative space around him that I feel awkward trying to claim it entirely for myself. I mean, I only like to use ICness as a tool; I don't have any special gift for or desire to write extrapolative fanfic, which HBP sort of necessitates.
I feel sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place, because I feel coming back to Hogwarts 7th year is totally cheating & unrealistic as things stand, but writing more 'probable' scenarios requires too much work in a direction that doesn't interest me and that feels limiting. Normally, I'd be inspired by other people's fics in this, but no one's written anything that felt 'right' yet. Maybe because the whole (most likely) dynamic doesn't feel 'right' to me now, things being much more determined: either Draco's a Death Eater or a spy-- either Harry tolerates him or actually grudgingly accepts him. It's about as exciting as limp toast.
But at the same time, my idea of 'exciting' is taking characters deeper and darker into their inner 'night'-- which is actually plausible with post-HBP Draco. He's been teetering on the edge of hysteria all of 6th book, and it's not like anything got 'fixed' by the end-- all I'd really have to do is push him that one bit further.... Maybe it was thinking that he was about to have his big 'revelation' and grow up was too complacent and canon-obsessed of me. So what if Harry's more repressed and less psychotic/easily triggered than he had been-- Draco could easily become more hunted, more desperate, as his options narrow. And if it's not so simple as Harry just 'saving' him, then-- things could get rather bitter & convoluted, right? Especially if Harry needs Draco to open the locket and the bitterness between them remains. All it has to do, really, is remain.
They're both distracted, of course-- Draco with his parents and his own being in danger, Harry with all the usual searching stuff & probably hunting Snape, etc-- Draco's no more than a possible distraction, but wasn't that always the case? As long as things don't get 'settled' by having Draco suddenly switch sides or become 'tame' and 'helpful', isn't the game still on? It's like, Draco has -more- reasons to hate him after the bathroom scene, not less. And Harry's barely touched the pity thing, really. There's really no -necessity- for people to have written the fluffier stories that they have except them -wanting- to, then. It's just that I have to remember not to take it for granted.
All that said, yeah, the muse hasn't entirely left me. I think writing Draco was always a shortcut to express emotions that would need a whole lot of set-up and background in an original work. It's so easy to just label that whole set of issues 'Draco' rather than make a whole new mask and/or character. I wonder if other fanfic writers experience this? Even now, when most of my inspiration is gone, it's like my emotions are like seawater flowing into a pre-existing literary 'canal'. It's like 'Draco' allows me to write about issues and feelings that would otherwise have no outlet. Hm.
Another song that's very 'my Draco' is Linkin Park's 'Faint'. Oh man. All that need for attention and rage and stubbornness-- that's just how I want to write him, because that's how I initially saw him, and that just never left me, regardless of whether it's 'IC'.
'Favorite character' is really something so different from this; I dunno, isn't it? Harry is my 'favorite character' in HP, but so what? He was only really fascinating as far as fodder for fanfic after OoTP. I still don't know about post-HBP Draco-- it's not so much that he's not interesting anymore as that he's not 'mine'; I keep feeling his focus has shifted, like he's become more predictable in the way that Harry is. I can't justify this, I just feel this way. So now my soundtrack is up to NIN's 'Closer' (the ultimate H/D sex song, honestly), and... yeah. Perhaps I just shouldn't pay -that- much attention to (what I think is future) canon, and write what I really want to write.
Easier said than done, but. Oh, desperate!Draco. You still need your fix, oh yes you do....
~~
Just in case anyone's wondering, this is my H/D novella soundtrack as it currently stands:
1. Van Halen - Respect the Wind
2. Live - I Alone
3. Cold Play - Clocks
4. Ayashi no Ceres - Scarlet (piano solo)
5. Orange Range - Asterick
6. The Cure - Creep (Radiohead cover)
7. Nancy Sinatra - Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)
8. Moby - The Sky is Broken
9. Radiohead - Creep
10. Chris Isaac - Wicked Game
11. Rent - Seasons of Love
12. Garbage - #1 Crush
13. The Cure - Lovesong
14. The Sundays - Wild Horses
15. U2 - Love is Blindness
16. Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
17. Linkin Park - Session
18. Linkin Park - Breaking the Habit
19. Linkin Park - Faint
20. Michelle Branch - Goodbye to You (Buffy version)
21. Rachael Sage - The Spirit We
22. The Exies - My Goddess
23. Something Corporate - I Want to Save You
24. Linkin Park - With You
25. Ani DiFranco - As Is
26. Poe - Terrible Thought
27. Nine Inch Nails - Closer
28. Fiona Apple - Sleep to Dream
29. Fiona Apple - Criminal
30. Fiona Apple - The Way Things Are
31. Fiona Apple - Never Is A Promise (Acoustic piano)
32. Heather Nova - Truth and Bone
~~
But the truth is, all I think about these days is mangamangamanga. I actually got to the point where I reread all of Haru wo Daiteita, which is just so sappy & melodramatic and omg. Gay porn actors in luuuuuurve. ^^;;;; Though I actually have an excuse for liking Haru (soap-opera-ish to the max as it is), 'cause it's like the relationship keeps getting more genuine & complex with time, and there's no set uke/seme stuff, omg, amazing. Kato & Iwaki are really equals. That alone may make it worth reading, cliched plots aside-- there's a sense of a real -relationship-, and it's all balanced and happy and non-dysfunctional! I really do have a thing for equality, I just forget I do 'cause no one writes with enough (melo)drama, ahahah.
Really, what I read & what I write are like, worlds apart, I swear... -.-
...Or maybe it's just a case of needing a blank slate to really buy into the sort of larger-than-life romance I tend to always fall for. Why am I reading it?? And why am I always telling everyone, more importantly?? *facepalm* Maybe it's just... when I get into a mood, I can only concentrate on seeing that one aspect of my 'muse', which is desperate!Draco, but when I sort of relax and have fun, I imagine writing larger stories with more scope, where the characters have sweeping love-affairs and lots of passion on all sides and we mustn't forget the homo-fucking-sex-galore (I'm not sure where that's a quote from, but I like it!). Really, what I want to write is a really long adventure story with swords and magic stones and pretty boys who angst but also look dashing in tight pants. Yes, that sounds good. Less angsty avatars and more full-bodied vistas of... pretty boys!!
And possibly, something with flowing hair. Flowing hair is important for the image, you know. I also wouldn't mind a boy with a headband (or two-- oooh, ribbons.....) :X
I mean, I like happy endings as much as the next romantic, and yet.... I think, in some ways, you need the right characters & dynamic for that to work quite right in terms of interesting stories.
Basically, yeah, I'm listening to my novella soundtrack, so I can't help thinking of all this.
I remember reading a few posts on why people write angst, and people tend to say generalized things about liking pain or extreme emotion or facing the bleakness of life or something, and the truth is, I don't really like any of those things in general, only in specific, when applied to specific characters. There's a tendency for fans to treat characters they really like as if they were real people, so they have consistent 'relationships' with them which might determine what sort of story context they'd want to place them into. I think... I think Draco isn't 'real' to me so much as a mask-- in the sense of an avatar. Before HBP, it was easier to use him this way, probably, because my vision didn't infringe or overlap with canon yet-- and now, it just feels like canon has pinned down Draco's coming-of-age angst, has basically filled in enough of the imaginative space around him that I feel awkward trying to claim it entirely for myself. I mean, I only like to use ICness as a tool; I don't have any special gift for or desire to write extrapolative fanfic, which HBP sort of necessitates.
I feel sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place, because I feel coming back to Hogwarts 7th year is totally cheating & unrealistic as things stand, but writing more 'probable' scenarios requires too much work in a direction that doesn't interest me and that feels limiting. Normally, I'd be inspired by other people's fics in this, but no one's written anything that felt 'right' yet. Maybe because the whole (most likely) dynamic doesn't feel 'right' to me now, things being much more determined: either Draco's a Death Eater or a spy-- either Harry tolerates him or actually grudgingly accepts him. It's about as exciting as limp toast.
But at the same time, my idea of 'exciting' is taking characters deeper and darker into their inner 'night'-- which is actually plausible with post-HBP Draco. He's been teetering on the edge of hysteria all of 6th book, and it's not like anything got 'fixed' by the end-- all I'd really have to do is push him that one bit further.... Maybe it was thinking that he was about to have his big 'revelation' and grow up was too complacent and canon-obsessed of me. So what if Harry's more repressed and less psychotic/easily triggered than he had been-- Draco could easily become more hunted, more desperate, as his options narrow. And if it's not so simple as Harry just 'saving' him, then-- things could get rather bitter & convoluted, right? Especially if Harry needs Draco to open the locket and the bitterness between them remains. All it has to do, really, is remain.
They're both distracted, of course-- Draco with his parents and his own being in danger, Harry with all the usual searching stuff & probably hunting Snape, etc-- Draco's no more than a possible distraction, but wasn't that always the case? As long as things don't get 'settled' by having Draco suddenly switch sides or become 'tame' and 'helpful', isn't the game still on? It's like, Draco has -more- reasons to hate him after the bathroom scene, not less. And Harry's barely touched the pity thing, really. There's really no -necessity- for people to have written the fluffier stories that they have except them -wanting- to, then. It's just that I have to remember not to take it for granted.
All that said, yeah, the muse hasn't entirely left me. I think writing Draco was always a shortcut to express emotions that would need a whole lot of set-up and background in an original work. It's so easy to just label that whole set of issues 'Draco' rather than make a whole new mask and/or character. I wonder if other fanfic writers experience this? Even now, when most of my inspiration is gone, it's like my emotions are like seawater flowing into a pre-existing literary 'canal'. It's like 'Draco' allows me to write about issues and feelings that would otherwise have no outlet. Hm.
Another song that's very 'my Draco' is Linkin Park's 'Faint'. Oh man. All that need for attention and rage and stubbornness-- that's just how I want to write him, because that's how I initially saw him, and that just never left me, regardless of whether it's 'IC'.
'Favorite character' is really something so different from this; I dunno, isn't it? Harry is my 'favorite character' in HP, but so what? He was only really fascinating as far as fodder for fanfic after OoTP. I still don't know about post-HBP Draco-- it's not so much that he's not interesting anymore as that he's not 'mine'; I keep feeling his focus has shifted, like he's become more predictable in the way that Harry is. I can't justify this, I just feel this way. So now my soundtrack is up to NIN's 'Closer' (the ultimate H/D sex song, honestly), and... yeah. Perhaps I just shouldn't pay -that- much attention to (what I think is future) canon, and write what I really want to write.
Easier said than done, but. Oh, desperate!Draco. You still need your fix, oh yes you do....
~~
Just in case anyone's wondering, this is my H/D novella soundtrack as it currently stands:
1. Van Halen - Respect the Wind
2. Live - I Alone
3. Cold Play - Clocks
4. Ayashi no Ceres - Scarlet (piano solo)
5. Orange Range - Asterick
6. The Cure - Creep (Radiohead cover)
7. Nancy Sinatra - Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)
8. Moby - The Sky is Broken
9. Radiohead - Creep
10. Chris Isaac - Wicked Game
11. Rent - Seasons of Love
12. Garbage - #1 Crush
13. The Cure - Lovesong
14. The Sundays - Wild Horses
15. U2 - Love is Blindness
16. Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
17. Linkin Park - Session
18. Linkin Park - Breaking the Habit
19. Linkin Park - Faint
20. Michelle Branch - Goodbye to You (Buffy version)
21. Rachael Sage - The Spirit We
22. The Exies - My Goddess
23. Something Corporate - I Want to Save You
24. Linkin Park - With You
25. Ani DiFranco - As Is
26. Poe - Terrible Thought
27. Nine Inch Nails - Closer
28. Fiona Apple - Sleep to Dream
29. Fiona Apple - Criminal
30. Fiona Apple - The Way Things Are
31. Fiona Apple - Never Is A Promise (Acoustic piano)
32. Heather Nova - Truth and Bone
~~
But the truth is, all I think about these days is mangamangamanga. I actually got to the point where I reread all of Haru wo Daiteita, which is just so sappy & melodramatic and omg. Gay porn actors in luuuuuurve. ^^;;;; Though I actually have an excuse for liking Haru (soap-opera-ish to the max as it is), 'cause it's like the relationship keeps getting more genuine & complex with time, and there's no set uke/seme stuff, omg, amazing. Kato & Iwaki are really equals. That alone may make it worth reading, cliched plots aside-- there's a sense of a real -relationship-, and it's all balanced and happy and non-dysfunctional! I really do have a thing for equality, I just forget I do 'cause no one writes with enough (melo)drama, ahahah.
Really, what I read & what I write are like, worlds apart, I swear... -.-
...Or maybe it's just a case of needing a blank slate to really buy into the sort of larger-than-life romance I tend to always fall for. Why am I reading it?? And why am I always telling everyone, more importantly?? *facepalm* Maybe it's just... when I get into a mood, I can only concentrate on seeing that one aspect of my 'muse', which is desperate!Draco, but when I sort of relax and have fun, I imagine writing larger stories with more scope, where the characters have sweeping love-affairs and lots of passion on all sides and we mustn't forget the homo-fucking-sex-galore (I'm not sure where that's a quote from, but I like it!). Really, what I want to write is a really long adventure story with swords and magic stones and pretty boys who angst but also look dashing in tight pants. Yes, that sounds good. Less angsty avatars and more full-bodied vistas of... pretty boys!!
And possibly, something with flowing hair. Flowing hair is important for the image, you know. I also wouldn't mind a boy with a headband (or two-- oooh, ribbons.....) :X
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no subject
Date: 2005-12-15 05:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-15 10:47 pm (UTC)I LIKE ME SOME LINKIN PARK THOUGH OBVIOUSLY :((
no subject
Date: 2005-12-15 09:26 pm (UTC)Oh, dude, AND IMPOSSIBLY DIFFICULT. I wish I'd realized this BEFORE I started writing. D: D: 'Cause it ain't gonna work. Which is sad, 'cause I totally had a (sort-of) plot in my head, and when I sit down to write it, all that comes out is sadkfjlfadkslfljadkMOTHERFUCKER.
What I'm saying is, I feel your pain. I think. At least kinda. In the end, though, I suppose it just sort of amuses me that I have the freakish capability to whine for ages that JKR has now made it even more difficult for me to write my goddamn gay porn, IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?! Uh.
And your song list makes me giggle (lovingly!), except for Love is Blindness, because holy fuck that is a brilliant album.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-15 10:57 pm (UTC)Basically, in terms of my novella I already know most of what there is to know (how it's gonna work plotwise), it's only motivating myself to do it and to wanna write about Draco, etc, again, that's the problem. Sometimes I still wanna (when I listen to Creep!) but the ole zing! is gone. And! Porn is still easy in 6th year AUs (as separate from HBP rewrites) :D :D :D :D
With the Hogwarts thing-- it's funny, in retrospect, that I wrote that, because they -do- come back in my novella, sorta-- Draco does, anyway, that's not too hard. For Harry to come back permanently-- not gonna happen. He visits, though! Because there being some artifacts at Hogwarts & one might be the one he's looking for. Plus he could be there to visit/help out/see Ginny (AHAHAHAH). Um.
...see, see, that songlist wasn't supposed to be Arte, it was supposed to have lyrics that got me angsty and in the H/D frame of mind!!1 Things that are too refined and melodious just aren't hardcore H/D, you know!!1 'Closer', for instance, really is the best H/D-fucking song ever. I tend to listen to certain 'trigger' songs to get me in the right mood... you should be thankful there was no reason to put Michael Jackson on there~:))!
no subject
Date: 2005-12-15 11:59 pm (UTC)Porn shall always be easy to write, and yet! This time I am striving for something greater than porn and that is where I faiiillll. :((((( OWOE, for we are so afflicted! I don't know why, or if we are, really, but it makes me feel better to pretend it is all a matter of us being poor souls. See, in my fic. Uh. Well, it'd be better if it had a concrete plot, wouldn't it. But they're all back at school although there is a REASON for it (???). But it still won't work and I WANT IT TO because goddamnit, it is sexier if mah boys have their nervous breakdowns in full view of everyone else. Um.
Oh, I know what you mean. :D About the songlist. See, I have to listen to properly moody & indie songs to get into the right H/D mood or whatevah. So what happens is I end up listening to, like, Neutral Milk Hotel and the Shins and writing pretentious shit and the culmination of it all is when I end up flinging myself on the floor in a penultimate moment of indie!woe. Great stuff, huh. But see, it's whatever works for you. :D Although if there was a reason to put Michael Jackson on your list, I'm afraid I'd have to consider running away from you in sheer horror! :P (Like, uh, songfic to Thriller or something, where Draco was a zombie and Harry was. A. Zombie slayer...? THAT WOULD BE HOT. WAIT, NO.)
no subject
Date: 2005-12-16 09:13 am (UTC)someone snapssomething happens, and then... there's pie. Yes. It's also cool if Teh Boyz have a breakdown all alone in the wilderness or stuck in a closet or away in the Bahamas (I've yet to see that one, but I -have- tried Hawaii...)Well, uh... I guess you could say my taste in music is rather... eclectic :)) But I try not to listen to moody/sad songs & write H/D, 'cause then it comes out all... fanony & stuff. Though what improvement Linkin Park is to Evanescence, I don't actually know. To my credit, I've never actually written an Evanescence songfic, and wasn't even tempted. I am so strong and... not very indie, but... strong, yeah... -.-;;;
Also, you shouldn't encourage me. People say my H/D is already too much like Buffy/Spike, ahahaha. A ZOMBIE SLAYERLKAJFdslkgj. I've... actually written a ficlet (http://www.livejournal.com/users/lunacy/201690.html) once where uh, Harry was a zombie & Draco was just... uh, well, Really Disturbed, ahahah. I AM SO CLEVER, CLEARLY, GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE!! :>