:D!!1

[reenka]

Er... hehehehehe :D :D :D :D

...I think I'm a little too pleased about the name-change. And, er, yes, it was a rather sudden and... er, random decision, but. This is what I did instead of renewing my paid account or doing a new layout, ahahah. *coughs & is sheepish*

If it's lame, just, er, don't tell me for now, ahahaha. -.-

Comments

[bookshop.livejournal.com]

!!!!

NOW I NEVER HAVE TO PUT THE K IN YOUR NAME AGAIN. :X :X :X :X!

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

:D :D :D :D!!
...And neither does anybody else!!1 Ehehehehe!
I take it you approve, as I suspected you might, it being a one-word username and everything, ahahaha :X :X :X!!1 :D

Though I have to admit, it's still a bit weird, eheheh :>

[bookshop.livejournal.com]

I take it you approve, as I suspected you might, it being a one-word username and everything

asklfjs;lfjdlk I KNEW IT. I TOTALLY INSPIRED YOU.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Ahahah, well, I admit your preoccupation and, er, friendslist brought it to my attention, but I never had any clue what sort of word I'd want for my username, because common everyday object-type names aren't my... thing, and neither are adjectives, really, not when applied to myself, so... ahahaha. :D :D :D

And then, as with most things in my life lately, I was reading a manga... heh. And it was scanlated by a group called sweet-lunacy, and suddenly, though I'd seen the name many times before, it just... clicked, and I was like, OOOOOOOH!!!1
...And the rest was history. Or... something :>

[loftily.livejournal.com]

IN A RELATED VEIN: I CAN NEVER CALL YOU REENKA AGAIN. :(((

But really! Thumbs up!

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Hehehe, well, you do know I never actually -liked- being called that-- it was just my lj name. Er, anymore than I'd like being called lunacy :))
Hee!! ♥ ♥!

[http://users.livejournal.com/_inbetween_/]

Riiiight, I thought you were lunulet of course. Pfffft! You young chicks with your name-changes breaking my brain.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Hehehe, I aim to please confuse...? :>

...Trust me, I'm as startled as anyone :>

[http://users.livejournal.com/_inbetween_/]

It was your icon that made me realise. I should have clued in on the :D:D:D:D though! ;P~

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

...somehow or other, my innate obviousness shines through!! :D :D :D!
^^;;;;

[notrafficlights.livejournal.com]

Nice.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

*giggles semi-nervously* :>

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

I fear change, so it will just take me some time to deal with this major development!!:D

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Me too, I fear, as I too fear change!!:D The lure was just too strong to resist, somehow hehe :>

[shatterglass.livejournal.com]

I love it!!!!five

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

YAYE!!!ten :D :D!

[shaggirl.livejournal.com]

Love it. :D

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

*squirms happily* :D ♥

[addictedkitten.livejournal.com]

Ahahahahahahaha.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

...I know -.- :))
.....somehow I feel perhaps... but see, it's IRONIC :))

[black-dog.livejournal.com]

Outstanding! And kind of a coup that the name was free -- or have you had it reserved for a while?

Between your icons and your inimitable (!) style, I think I would have worked it out! But still, I'm glad that you mentioned it because with more and more of my flist lately if I don't pay attention I'm, like, "who the hell?" It's sort of the LJ equivalent of not recognizing someone in RL when they dramatically re-do the way they look. (Or do I just have semi-Asperger's, that that happens to me?)

So, does it make you feel disinhibited? Or does it shake up the way you're motivated to express yourself? Should everyone try it once? Just curious. :)

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Hee! Yeah, the whole reenka look was getting a bit stale, no thrill in it anymore :D :D And yeah, I was really surprised lunacy was free-- someone deleted and purged it! Now I'm some sort of lj elite, I'm sure :D

It really does make me feel weird, though, like something basic about my identity has changed and I don't know -what- yet or something. A bit freer, yeah, and also just-- renewed, a bit like a really good bout of deleting used to do for me on my web server, ahaha. I keep looking at people now and wondering if they're never going to change their username and how I'm somehow 'different' from them-- make of that what you will, ahahah. I think I'm still me in terms of the way I talk-- don't think -that- will be changing so easily-- but I feel more aware of people's reactions might be different. Like say, I'm both more and less tied with HP like this, y'know, and it'd be just -odd- if people took to calling me by it, and I'm-- well-- the main effect, I have to say, is that I feel -prettier- now ^^;;;

[black-dog.livejournal.com]

It really does make me feel weird, though, like something basic about my identity has changed

It's really kind of odd, isn't it, that you can get so attached to, and so identified with, what is essentially a mask, so that it can start to feel constraining, like a fixed identity when it was intended as something liberating. Um, using "you" to mean "me" of course -- I think I've policed the line between RL and LJ more rigorously than most, though I've met a small handful of fandom people in RL. I mean, "BD" was never consciously a persona, it was just me having a chance to be more relaxed and not as anal or wary, you know? And yet sometimes I think about posting something and then say "BD wouldn't do that." So yeah, sometimes you have to change the mask, kind of like changing an oil filter maybe.

I will tell you a secret -- I actually created a sekrit alternative LJ once! But don't ask me the name, because I would have to do some trial and error to remember, and I'll probably never remember the password anyway. Of course, since I post under BD like three times a year, I have never posted under the alternative sekrit identity, or friended anyone under it. It is totally unused. But it's there. Is it sort of a metaphysical puzzle to have a secret identity that's even secret from yourself? Is it liberating to have yet another persona on reserve if you never find the need to use it? Um, I don't know, I'm just babbling.

I think I'm still me in terms of the way I talk-- don't think -that- will be changing so easily-- but I feel more aware of people's reactions might be different.

Yeah, some people have more marked styles than others. Using "some people" in this case to mean "you." :) Which is very cool. Although sometimes I think your style gets plainer and more analytic when something really engages you intellectually. This suggests another random hypothesis: is there a correlation between RL personal style and the stability of one's LJ identity? It's interesting that you think of the changed identity in terms of other people's reactions, holding your own style stable, while I guess I think of it in terms of selective disinhibition, literally emphasizing a different aspect of myself, though hopefully never a false or insincere one.

Would you say that in RL, you behave more or less the same in different situations? I don't! I catch myself being a bit chameleonlike, being stronger among strong people, and more inhibited and cautious among more subdued or timid personalities; in verbal style I've always picked up local accents quicky (8 months in Southern California once and I was talking like I grew up in Torrance) and I tend to oscillate between my native Long Island working class and neutral-middle-American speech depending on who I'm with. And I think my LJ writing tends to vary from a kind of constipated pompousness to a sort of slacker/stoner ramble, just depending on mood, really. So I think if I set up a new LJ identity, it would genuinely seem (to an outside observer at least) like a different personality, because I would probably almost unconsciously try to do something new with it. I ask you all solemnly: does this make me psycho?

I feel -prettier- now ^^;;;

Hee! That makes it all worth while, of course. :)

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Reenka definitely did start to feel constraining, though more because of my fandom history all hanging on the name and just being tired of the well-knowness of it, like it owned me rather than I owned it, rather than any specific personality, exactly, because, well-- yeah, because there's not much I can do about my personality. That is, I don't believe I'm always the same, stable to the max or anything-- I do shift to more shy in groups, more polite with strangers, more outspoken and given to loud outbursts and silliness with friends-- but it's mostly that I'm more myself the more comfortable I am with someone rather than, um, changing who I am depending on the person. Which is actually why I suck at fitting in anywhere and hate groups-- I never get assimilated so I'm always the odd one out. -.-

With lj personas-- I do have a somewhat sekrit lj, witchbabie, I'm obviously perfectly fine with people knowing about if they care about my original poetry and fics and/or a few real-life babbles-- it's really true that I don't talk about my so-called 'real' life because I don't find it interesting, not because I'm shy or private. Like, I don't have inhibitions so much as I have... boundaries, if that makes sense. I'm distant without being inhibited, so in the end I'm hiding nothing while withdrawing almost everything, if that makes sense. In other words, I'm not afraid or ashamed, just disinterested in deeper contact with most people. Ahahaha, -now- who sounds crazy, eheheh.

I find the chameleon stuff fascinating, because it's so unlike me while being no less honest! I'm a bit obsessed with the idea of being true to oneself and personal honesty and all that-- not in the sense of not lying, as I don't really care about that, and more-- not being false. Being and saying are such different things, you know-- perhaps it's just that I'm not easily fooled by 'saying', though-- yeah, I noticed you have a wiseman side, heheh, most definitely-- though I associate pompous with being more full of hot air, and less with glimmers of um, light-heartedness or silliness. I don't trust people who take themselves too seriously-- they sort of scare me, ahaha.

I would admit to being shocked if you suddenly dropped all pretenses at thoughtfulness, yeah, and had a persona where you just talked endlessly about good fish and beer and, uh, crossword puzzles and porn, ahaha... but also if you turned into one of those uptight canon-worshipping people who... well, I don't know them too well, but. My point is, I think I have a knack for seeing the patterns in seemingly disconnected behaviors, and I suspect I would still see -you- no matter how you spoke. If someone's truly 'psycho', I imagine the break would be a complete discontinuity, and even that eventually acquires a pattern once you're a conscious observer. It's hard to find complete randomness in human behavior, basically, and I'm also possibly a bit too fixated on seeing the patterns.... Though that's neither here nor there :>

I think everyone wears masks in one way or another, for one purpose or another, but my way of dealing with it is to say that our masks are also us-- they are just another layer of truth. I think by being aware of that and being comfortable with some inherent contradictions of the resulting self you neutralize a lot of their power to deceive you. Though a big reason I got witchbabie was because I felt there were things-- not that -reenka- wouldn't do, because I think reenka doesn't act like she plays by the rules, right-- but there were things reenka's -audience- wouldn't enjoy her doing, like posting poetic cryptic things about leaves and wings or something. I know because I did that sometimes and no one would respond, ahaha.

Though all this made me curious and/or hopeful about meeting you one of these days, since I believe you're also in the NYC area! :D Especially what with Maya here for half a year and everything :D :D

[black-dog.livejournal.com]

more because of my fandom history all hanging on the name and just being tired of the well-knowness of it

Yeah, I can see that. It doesn't matter if all that history is good or bad, it's just there and gets in the way sometimes.

I'm more myself the more comfortable I am with someone rather than, um, changing who I am depending on the person.

Well, it's not so much changing who one is, maybe, as it is a matter of style and emphasis. Although when I was much younger I did get confused about that sometimes. Not to indulge in recalling adolescent angst (too much), but I remember back in high school that the adoption of a neutral, "social" persona was a very fraught issue for me -- I hated the way people altered their behavior in groups, and I found dealing with too many different people simultaneously to be disorienting. I think even as I got over that, I've always remained more of a one-on-one kind of person, adapting to the person I'm with to try and connect with them rather than performing some comfortable and stable "self" of my own. Oddly, I'm fine addressing big groups or meetings, so it's not shyness at all, or any reluctance to have a "business" or "public" persona. But I've never been one to hang out with big bunches of friends at once, either -- interesting that we come to that same preference in different ways. There is perhaps a choice from a range of possible monkey genes that may be missing. :)

BTW I knew about witchbabie, and in fact I could have sworn I friended it ages ago. Sometimes my brain is just out having a couple of cigarettes, I think.

I don't have inhibitions so much as I have... boundaries . . . I'm distant without being inhibited . . . I'm not afraid or ashamed, just disinterested in deeper contact with most people.

If this makes you crazy, then I am frightened for myself, too! :) I mean, there are people who draw energy from interacting with lots of other people, and I respect that more than people who need approval from anyone they meet, but on the whole, I'll be over in the corner talking with the other relative solitaries and let the highly-social do their thing. It's not about feeling people aren't worth knowing, it's just that it's so much work to really connect, and you have to ration your energy. Does that make sense at all?

yeah, I noticed you have a wiseman side, heheh

Hee. You know, there are two things at work, here. First, it's all about getting in touch with your inner Percy Weasley. He's part of me, I can't deny it! And I figure, people are probably laughing at all sorts of things I'm not conscious of, why bother to cover up that little idiocy just because I'm on to it? I like channeling Percy sometimes, and my friends are free to point and laugh. Besides, I really do love arguing and debating and it's great fun to slam home a point now and then in a lapidary way. :)

I think everyone wears masks in one way or another, for one purpose or another, but my way of dealing with it is to say that our masks are also us-- they are just another layer of truth.

I remember a wonderful teacher I had freshman year who went on about this theme in Santayana and Stevens, and Percy wants to quote and summarize but BD is sleepy, so I will just totally, totally agree. :)

It would indeed be fun to meet you, though I am in the DC area not NYC -- I usually do get up to NYC during the holidays, though, so possibly . . .

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

I think I watch the way people alter their behavior in groups-- in a specific way, not a serious-speaker way, which-- well, it -can- include personality, but is mostly a sort of projection technique you do like an actor (I've done it once and people told me I was good though my knees were shaking)-- and I'm bother baffled and disturbed, yeah. I -have- been in groups of friends of about 4 (me being 1 of 4), and sometimes found it comfortable when I was friends with them all separately as they were with each other. If that's present, I'm still quiet but comfortable-- but if one of the people is 'new' or whatever, thus skewing the comfortable group dynamics already established, then I -really- feel out of sorts, to the point where I freak out and leave ^^;;; So I guess I'm just unable to shift between comfortable/uncomfortable zones both at the same time. And, you know, I'm also talking out my ass (I do that a lot-- is that what you mean by a 'Percy Weasley' side?-- though I wasn't being facetious, I genuinely meant I saw you as a wiseman, ahaha).

I think there's a little perfectionist Hermione in me more than a Percy (though isn't she like a female Percy? slightly more well-adjusted, but then she's a girl), that makes me chatty in class. I mean, I'm seriously shy in all other contexts -except- seminars. It's... odd. But it helps that everyone else is ridiculously silent and I can pretend they don't really exist~:))

I still don't know how to do the 'neutral social persona' thing, if by that you'd mean comfortably mingling in between the knowns and the unknowns. Or like my mother tells me, 'just smile!!' and I'm like.... "....." and grimace with teeth, and she's like 'that's great!! that's exactly what I mean!' I think I'm one of those people who can't smile falsely, so if I -do- it doesn't look false, so theoretically I'd be good at it, but I hate it. I think the first step towards that persona is probably wanting to have one at all :> Whereas on some level I get angry at the idea as if someone's trying to steal my identity and that someone is me. o_0

With me-- I totally also feel it's -work- to connect with people for real, but at the same time it's not, because it's not a though process so much as an empathy flow with me, so I just sit there and soak them up if I like them. The more typical truth is, I don't like them -that- much and I get them too easily, so I avoid knowing most people better. The brunt of the work would be letting -them- know -me- and letting go of the barriers and communicating-- which is probably the real work anyway. But most of the time I'm like 'okay, I get you, and I don't really -need- to get anymore, thanks'-- or I'm intimidated 'cause omg, that person is cool! And wears funky shoes! And omg that stand-offish I'm-a-rebel attitude! And then I swoon, because people's projections mess with my head really badly -.-

The whole thing with masks, btw, is one of my favorite subjects... I could just go on and on :D It's got a whole mythical/magical undercurrent that ties in really well with all sorts of spiritual systems, and many many fairy-tales spin around that as a theme. Oh my god, I just had this gargantuan vision of a dissertation waiting to happen... ^^;;;;;

Hahah, I'm all sheepish now, also, 'cause I know you've said you're in the DC area multiple times. *facepalm* ...Er... well, I must've been sleepy too~! :>