(desire in truth)
Oct. 25th, 2005 12:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaI think it's generally close enough to the truth to say that we all are most drawn to read stories about what we want or what we fear; whether or not we would ever encounter either blessing or monster in reality, we are most fascinated by the stuff inside us, either internalized or projected onto others. So.
Yeah, I feel a bit hypocritical when I look at my friend, who projects herself onto a similar sort of character across different fandoms (ie, Draco in HP), wanting him to be loved and desired and basically all the things she wants for herself. There is this idealized self, this longing for a mirror in fiction, that I both understand and distrust. I tell myself I care more about the truth of the -character-. But of course, there's no 'truth' to any character without us, the readers, to give them that truth in the first place.
In the end, wanting all stories to represent 'Truth' (and not 'Desire') is naive and silly-- a product of my own driving -desire- to see a certain kind of truth.
I myself have always been able to see myself in many characters (though not, perhaps, my 'ideal' self since I have such a strong ego I can't really believe in personal transformation for myself the way I can for others)... I suppose you could say I could conceivably identify with any character, given a gripping enough piece of fiction. I'd always thought that was the ultimate -purpose- of fiction, especially fantasy-- to take you -away- from yourself. But that is merely what I wanted-- to be taken away from myself. So of course that is the fantasy being fulfilled.
I generally think the 'point' of reading about others is to, well, read about -others-, even if the ultimate meaning illuminates yourself, even if all the roads lead back to the Rome of self-identity of the reader. It's sort of like... my vision of what fiction is for is to make that imaginative leap truly possible-- that equation of Self and Other that otherwise would only sometimes occur with love. Of course we read to know ourselves, but we know ourselves through the Other, I feel like. At least, that is my instinctive hope, belief, what have you. Naturally, the idea of people routinely Mary Suing their ideal selves into a story or making a character that exists idealized into virtual oblivion (that is, extreme fanonization) seems almost morally wrong to me-- mostly because I feel like we shouldn't get what we want so easily. After all, isn't that the most commonly cited route to enlightenment? Withold desire, control emotion and you gain understanding; ahh, what bollocks. Yes, I realize this.
But it's so hard to separate my beliefs from my desires even there-- because perhaps my highest ideal is that of every person/character being true to themselves, yes, but my greatest desire is to escape from myself. I am constantly trapped, in other words.
Anyway, my actual point was that I think Mary Sues and fanonized-into-super-greatness characters as well as any character we're over-invested in have that same thing in common-- identification coupled with idealization (even if the ideal is projected onto the Other giving the Self-object what they want)-- the natural byproduct of wanting to read about what we -want- to be true. That is to say, most people don't want the steak if they saw how the cow was killed. We wouldn't want the 'real thing' because, in the end, the very nature of the thing would change with that awareness, I think. It wouldn't be 'steak' anymore-- it would be cow (worse yet, it could be 'Betty'). Name a thing truly and it gains a degree of power over you even as you may gain understanding (a sort of power) over it.
Idealization could thus be seen as necessary and inevitable, a simple defense mechanism. Naturally, this doesn't have anything to do with the quality of art... but who really cares about that outside obsessive artists and enthusiasts?
So what about me, then? What am I looking to find in all this, if not my ideal self, if not my own desires--?
I read about Spock when I was a teenager, honestly feeling like he was my ideal person. It wasn't that I idealized him in the sense that I wouldn't believe he was ugly or could do something wrong-- perhaps that sort of thing just doesn't matter to me. It wasn't that I thought I -could- be like him, even though a part of me wanted to. I just wanted to -know- him, I think. I could identify with him even though I was the anti-Spock, basically, because he represented my Shadow self in Jungian terms. I am, in many ways, always looking for my Shadow in fiction; my anti-self.
It's no surprise I've always been most obsessed with characters very unlike myself: male, powerful somehow, very animus-like (Spock, Spike, Draco, it goes on and on) -and- with the ways they're different; no surprise I've always been obsessed with the difference and jealous of guarding it against any encroachment of... assimilation. There's no insult to my intelligence like nice!Draco or out-of-control!Spock because their very value is their difference.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this-- just thinking out loud. I always end up seeing the personal and subjective hopelessly tied up in any objective ideal I might have. Keeps me humble, at least.
Yeah, I feel a bit hypocritical when I look at my friend, who projects herself onto a similar sort of character across different fandoms (ie, Draco in HP), wanting him to be loved and desired and basically all the things she wants for herself. There is this idealized self, this longing for a mirror in fiction, that I both understand and distrust. I tell myself I care more about the truth of the -character-. But of course, there's no 'truth' to any character without us, the readers, to give them that truth in the first place.
In the end, wanting all stories to represent 'Truth' (and not 'Desire') is naive and silly-- a product of my own driving -desire- to see a certain kind of truth.
I myself have always been able to see myself in many characters (though not, perhaps, my 'ideal' self since I have such a strong ego I can't really believe in personal transformation for myself the way I can for others)... I suppose you could say I could conceivably identify with any character, given a gripping enough piece of fiction. I'd always thought that was the ultimate -purpose- of fiction, especially fantasy-- to take you -away- from yourself. But that is merely what I wanted-- to be taken away from myself. So of course that is the fantasy being fulfilled.
I generally think the 'point' of reading about others is to, well, read about -others-, even if the ultimate meaning illuminates yourself, even if all the roads lead back to the Rome of self-identity of the reader. It's sort of like... my vision of what fiction is for is to make that imaginative leap truly possible-- that equation of Self and Other that otherwise would only sometimes occur with love. Of course we read to know ourselves, but we know ourselves through the Other, I feel like. At least, that is my instinctive hope, belief, what have you. Naturally, the idea of people routinely Mary Suing their ideal selves into a story or making a character that exists idealized into virtual oblivion (that is, extreme fanonization) seems almost morally wrong to me-- mostly because I feel like we shouldn't get what we want so easily. After all, isn't that the most commonly cited route to enlightenment? Withold desire, control emotion and you gain understanding; ahh, what bollocks. Yes, I realize this.
But it's so hard to separate my beliefs from my desires even there-- because perhaps my highest ideal is that of every person/character being true to themselves, yes, but my greatest desire is to escape from myself. I am constantly trapped, in other words.
Anyway, my actual point was that I think Mary Sues and fanonized-into-super-greatness characters as well as any character we're over-invested in have that same thing in common-- identification coupled with idealization (even if the ideal is projected onto the Other giving the Self-object what they want)-- the natural byproduct of wanting to read about what we -want- to be true. That is to say, most people don't want the steak if they saw how the cow was killed. We wouldn't want the 'real thing' because, in the end, the very nature of the thing would change with that awareness, I think. It wouldn't be 'steak' anymore-- it would be cow (worse yet, it could be 'Betty'). Name a thing truly and it gains a degree of power over you even as you may gain understanding (a sort of power) over it.
Idealization could thus be seen as necessary and inevitable, a simple defense mechanism. Naturally, this doesn't have anything to do with the quality of art... but who really cares about that outside obsessive artists and enthusiasts?
So what about me, then? What am I looking to find in all this, if not my ideal self, if not my own desires--?
I read about Spock when I was a teenager, honestly feeling like he was my ideal person. It wasn't that I idealized him in the sense that I wouldn't believe he was ugly or could do something wrong-- perhaps that sort of thing just doesn't matter to me. It wasn't that I thought I -could- be like him, even though a part of me wanted to. I just wanted to -know- him, I think. I could identify with him even though I was the anti-Spock, basically, because he represented my Shadow self in Jungian terms. I am, in many ways, always looking for my Shadow in fiction; my anti-self.
It's no surprise I've always been most obsessed with characters very unlike myself: male, powerful somehow, very animus-like (Spock, Spike, Draco, it goes on and on) -and- with the ways they're different; no surprise I've always been obsessed with the difference and jealous of guarding it against any encroachment of... assimilation. There's no insult to my intelligence like nice!Draco or out-of-control!Spock because their very value is their difference.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this-- just thinking out loud. I always end up seeing the personal and subjective hopelessly tied up in any objective ideal I might have. Keeps me humble, at least.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-10-25 09:54 am (UTC)And then came the day, far too early in my childhood/youth again, when I realised they would dislike me.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-25 03:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-27 01:14 pm (UTC)<3 but i hope you know that, in my mind, there's no desire w/o truth. truth comes first, and then the longing inevitably follows.