~song of the wind...

[reenka]

well um. wow. first post. it's so ...silent. before i go on to rambling, i'll just take this moment to note-- the silence... i think it only happens when you notice you're not being listened to, but you could be. and you don't know how you feel about that. and then it gets more silent. um.


i'm writing a harry/draco story right now. well. it's having problems-- it's actually just draco, first-person. i'm trying to write harry... get myself up to writing harry... and i'm really a lot more -like- harry... i -think-. haven't read the books, so-- well i don't trust jkr and her characterisation and general skillz anyway. since that fateful day when i skimmed "philosopher's stone", i have forever kept with me the memory of what -horribly sucky awful writing- can look like. ahem. well it's true. i can't get over sucky writing. it makes me want to scratch at blackboards. and never hear certain phrases/words/sentences again. bad luck when it's like -every third sentence-.



well... back to draco... yah... i thought it'd be a challenge to write from a bastard's pov, and y'know, try to sit in his head as he gets it fixed, somewhat, somehow, somewhen. ah yes, reena the redemptionista (luv that word). it's working. sort of-- i apparently have an inner mean-bastard to tap. it's a mood thing-- mental seven-inch red stilettos. but. um. plot, also, might be the problem. plot is often a problem, for me-- it's just going so well-- the characterisation. "how draco feels" and all that. hmm... plot... maybe that's the answer.... will think on that. writing harry makes me feel like i need plot-- 'cause he wouldn't be emotionally overloaded and utterly self-consumed and obsessively mostly thinking about one thing. and if he -did- obsessively think about one thing, what would that thing be?? voldemort?? god i hate the very idea of voldemort. if i could help having him in a fic, i really would. i hate Evil Incarnate characters. i'd rather write PolkaDots Incarnate or maybe Destiny Incarnate or Puberty Incarnate... anything. on the up side, i'm getting good dialogue for once. have cheated and skipped to sex scene (sort of, partly) in future bit... is not bad. don't have a clue how they -got- there but... i like writing the "good bits" as much as reading them, it appears.


maybe i shouldn't angst and just write what comes and not -try- to finish it or -try- to make it a "story" and just do it for as long as i want to. all fun and games, right. but i guess i -do- think of myself as a writer, and so i can't help comparing myself... to others i admire... who have plot... can't be that hard. draco is easy. almost too easy-- to make him a caricature-- after all he -comes- from (as canon) a caricature, basically-- or in other words, an archetype. harry... not so much. what's his archetype? Hero? what the hell's that? Dutiful? Devoted? Earnest? i mean, when i read ivy, it all makes complete sense. then again, he's a transparent character-- basically just a good pov character to identify with as you read a story-- nothing to jangle you and make you think-- eh, i'm not like that. it's almost like he's... normal, or something. only special because of his Gifts. and of course his Good Heart. well, his sidekicks have Good Hearts too, but like, harry a) also has a Gift; b) isn't hobbled by too much Temper or Rationality. sort of a balance type thing, right?

draco, i guess, to me (can be) complicated. a mix of good/bad/indifferent. arrogant yet vulnerable-- aggressive yet so submissive to others' will. i get along with split personalities even if they're totally unlike me i guess. just because they're split and i know what split/conflict/angst feels like.

but. to make a good harry you basically have to forget about his archetype. forget he's the Hero. forget he's anything but someone who Tries-- to be human, to be caring, to be there for those that need him, to be himself, to be firm in his convictions while still figuring out what those convictions are. definitely, two completely different universes of Voice-- that's why i like in dialogia so very very much of course. they're so different.

maybe it's because i've backed myself into a sort of corner-- the unrequited love/lust corner. even if i identify with harry more, say, looking -at- him as Object makes it hard to make my brain jump to making him Subject. actually i just realized my draco (and prolly "real" draco) isn't actually seeing harry at all-- he may be looking, but all he's seeing is reflections of himself and what he isn't, and what he wants to be. unless they're both secretly in love. but somehow, that feels like cheating. except they have to be, for a story to work-- it's just-- how do you portray love that isn't conscious (mostly), from a first-person-limited pov? draco is pretty conscious-- otherwise he'd be just stupid-- if he WAS stupid as well as -acted- stupid, what hope would there be?




saw "song of the wind and trees" anime today~~ omg..! "slash-your-wrists angst" one reviewer had it. "18 and over only". "tragedy". i guess i was "prepared". still. wow. it just won't leave. must be all the chopin and stuff. and the floating leaves, just like in hanadan. they're SOooo harry/draco. well if you had slut!draco and naive!harry. it was sad. i have this urge to watch the kiss scene over and over again, and realize this doesn't bode well, so i took the tape out. my god, i LOVE it when boys moan like that, like they're falling, overcome, drowning in startled lust-- one good moan is -so- worth a million yells of "take me, i'm yours!" *evil grin* of course, what's a "manly" moan?


just shows how predictable i am. take boarding schools, add shounen ai, sadness, kisses, doomed love, and gorgeous androgynous blondes... yum. reena-melt sandwich coming up, heh. the only thing missing was magic, but, can't have everything. oh, and the happy ending. where's my happy ending, people??! jeez. btw, gilbert sooo looked like a girl-- i don't mean, like duo does or like hotohori does... i mean... glistening pink lips, heart-shaped face, huge blue eyes-- well-- the works. at least i was happy, 'cause one gets no clue if there's an uke/seme thing going on. they're both slight, fragile, sensitive, and by turns, angsty, angry, self-destructive-- well, serge, not so much... but anyway. yeah. yum. gilbert. (*slaps self*-- um, i just realized-- it's like... not... good... thinking completely -flaming gay- characters are like, the height of yumminess, is it? a bit of the self-undermining going on, you might say. eh... yahhh.... well, what??? am i supposed to go for like, xander, or something??!!! yuck!! well... *consoles self*... spike is straight *chortles* that sounds so wrong... so very wrong...)