[me and Draco and the rage factor]
Sep. 13th, 2005 10:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaOne of the things I've grown to realize in my long and deeply embarrassing history of obsessing over Draco is that... basically, it's difficult for me to be objective about him myself. I can differentiate easily between 'oh yes, this sounds right' and 'omg, what a bunch of bullshit', but I think that's just my innate ability in that regard-- I don't actually feel inclined to think rationally about what he's like so much as what I'd want for him to be like in a sort of... mindful fanon? Sort of like mindful meditation... except not. I don't know. I just know I'm biased.
And most definitely, I do know that most people's fanon vision of him annoys me to the bone (...to the bone), but that's largely 'cause I want things to be more painstakingly plausible the more I care about the outcome, and also because I don't like the things most people like in characters, I'm guessing.
Or maybe, it just ruins things to pin them onto Draco when they belong to James Bond (hey, I really like James Bond). But neither can I stand the upsurgence of poor-woobie!Draco after HBP. Possibly, it's just that What I Want doesn't fit any sort of common fic ideal because Draco was never an ideal to me in the first place-- he's not anyone I've ever found attractive or even sympathetic, necessarily. I just... know how he feels.
In a lot of ways, Draco is why I write fanfiction at all. In general, I think I have a hard time writing fanfic because of how I write-- intuitively, not based on any rational 'understanding' of my subject or characters, or any idea what I'm doing or where I'm going. So it's hard to have this set of givens which fanfiction always comes with; it's really difficult to write around that many 'rules', and still write your own unique story (and it didn't occur to me until I spent a long, long time in fandom that one can actually write in others' styles or what -other- people want to see-- mostly 'cause I physically couldn't). In most universes, I just feel there's no story that would be 'mine' that I could tell. I dunno if other people feel like this-- but yeah, a large reason for why I can write HP and not any other fandom except Peter Pan is that I naturally write about kids/teenagers, I naturally set them in school or in a magical environment, and I naturally go for the angsty pining. Draco is my dream come true, in that sense.
And that's just really odd, isn't it, because as I said, I don't admire him and he's not one of my all-time favorite characters by a longshot-- but then, it's a lot tougher for me to write characters I truly love. I'm too invested; too afraid of screwing up their voices; too... intimidated. I may understand them, but it means so much to me that it's hard to put into words.
With Draco... I could write fanfic because I just clicked with how he felt, if you took the step of slashing his relationship with Harry. I wasn't viewing him from the outside-- and it wasn't the normal sort of identification I always feel with pov characters in any book I like, because I'm not very much like Draco (possibly not at all), in terms of personality. So I had this remove where it wasn't like writing about my own feelings, because nearly all the variables were different. And then, of course, I branched out and wrote other characters, after something like half a year of almost 90% All Draco All The Time and getting really comfortable with that world.
Somehow, my hopes for entering another fandom are not high, since all these idiosyncratic factors combined to make me write HP in the first place... and my attempts at Buffy and GW fic are best left unspoken of. And I sort of was on a roll with that Sky High fic, but unsurprisingly we're talking dorky characters in a magical/scifi-fantasy setting.
So yeah, all this is to say-- my take on Draco is hopelessly influenced by what drove me to write about him in the first place (that is, his Rage, Angest and Pane were what I started off identifying with), and perhaps it's good I'm out of steam in many ways because I realize I should approach characters as characters more and less as outlets for my issues. And I do that, honest. With everyone but Draco... which is not to say I'm not interested in him for himself as a character or don't always try to write him as IC as I can, but rather that the types of things I wanna see him do/feel/experience are just... hopelessly skewed (usually against either pleasing or entertaining him -or- pointlessly hurting him in the interests of sex, comfort or revenge, but rather for merely making him confront his demons and act on his darker impulses and learn to get over himself).
It's sort of like I want him to get therapy more than he actually needs it (since a lot of it is just... his personality, not any issue per se), but at the same time I desperately don't want him to lose his edge, that craving obsessive resentment I'm so drawn to. So in the end I almost never give him resolution so much as make him see the trap he's in over and over (the exceptions basically being my unpublished novellas, if we're talking my serious fics). It's just... kind of messed up, I think.
~~
Maybe this explains (I dunno about justifies) my reactions to hurt/comfort!Draco, say, who isn't so much out of character as... stripped of any appealing quality for me. My fearful vision of Draco becoming more and more blatantly sympathetic in post-HBP H/D fic sort of makes me cringe and back away. Not that he wasn't always whitewashed in one way or the other most of the time, but there was a strong vein of fanon!Draco where he was... uber-Slytherin. Cold, calculating, with no real fascination and only disdain for Gryffindors/Dumbledore/etc, most likely with Zabini as his best friend (whywhywhyyy) and the whole House in the palm of his hand. Oh, and long passages about his respect for his thoughtful, cultured parents and how Lucius is really quite a reasonable guy. Not that I like that, especially if it leads to invulnerability, in effect (how boring is that?) but... it's hardcore. If he's paired with Harry (while usually this necessitates a really OOC Harry that hurts my head), he doesn't tend to give an inch. Pair this with a Harry who doesn't give an inch either, and you have my ideal, naturally not really found in the wild.
Actually, with Harry... I think a lot of the things that bother me the most in fanon aren't just OOC, per se... it's more that it involves focusing on an aspect of canon (say, Harry's fixation on following Draco to get to The Truthtm) to such an extent that it's a caricature and obscures one of the things most central in how -I- see Harry (ie, while he's driven by impulse and instinct a lot, whenever something's Important, he does think about it-- like with the Ginny vs. Ron thing.)
There's much I don't like about the Most Likely To Be Fanon post-HBP H/D dynamic-- mostly obsessive-voyeur!Harry vs. disinterested-yet-sensitive!Draco (it makes me twitch quite violently), suddenly-reasonable!Harry (ha... ha... hahahaha), crying-repeatedly!Draco, especially if he doesn't get angry this time but cuddles into Harry's shoulder (someone just shoot me now)-- but trying to think positively, I'd like to figure out a way to allow post-HBP Draco to keep his... militant edge, I guess I'd call it (not to say rage). How to have him incorporate the effects of the confrontation with Dumbledore without having him actually want to help Harry or go over to the 'other side', so to speak? How to keep that tension of Harry and Draco's wildly opposite understandings of what's going on?
The thing, I think, that I cannot stand about pitying Draco-- about him being broken, helpless, dependent-- it's not that I think he -wouldn't- be at that low state or that I think he doesn't deserve for things to get better somehow, but that I think this whole view of the situation ignores Draco's anger, even moreso than his pride. Because pride can be broken by desperation and depression-- but anger-- that remains no matter what. That burns brighter under duress. That flames under pressure.
It's that one element which totally strikes out all those hurt/comfort post-HBP scenarios for me (though I'd be able to handle a fic which had Harry crazy enough to try comforting enraged!Draco). Because the main thing is, perhaps, that fanon!Draco tends to accentuate is Draco's pride over his anger, whereas I eventually came to be 'aligned' with canon!Draco more because I care much more about his anger than his pride. This boy can really and truly hold a grudge, and this is something that gives one a sort of... maddened strength, a resilience, I think. That's why I really can't stand a Draco who willingly runs to Harry and looks for his protection-- I mean, circumstances could force him, but he would hate it with every fiber of his being. If Harry could feel pity for Draco, you see, Draco wouldn't let him because there's no escaping how -he- feels about Harry. It's so ingrained in his character, it would take a maelstrom to begin to dislodge it all that rage and more importantly, all that resentment.
I think I'm just too obsessed with it to think clearly, perhaps. There's two things I mainly enjoy about Draco: his dorky mean humor and his obsessive capacity for sheer resentment. He's such a little bastard, always lying to himself and blaming everyone else and hiding behind authority... ahhh. God, it makes me want to weep to see that taken away from him.
Actually, on a happy note-- that's why I love `Eclipse' so much. It lets Draco be a mean, unhappy, snide little bastard, and slowly, slooowwwwwly relax around Harry. Ahhhh, I love him!! Non-bastard!Draco makes me sad :(( Or at least non-prickly-hedgehog!Draco.
I mean, he doesn't have to be Lucius to be a bastard. He could just... hold back when it counts. He could try to be manipulative. He could... just be not entirely sympathetic. I think Aspen's and![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
weatherby's fics really achieve this effect very well :D
~~
Also: I don't think there's a person left in fandom who likes blonde!Pansy besides me. I could be wrong, but brunette!Pansy isn't canon (is she??) so this makes me sad, as I like her a blonde more. I dunno, I just do.
And finally,musesfool's latest S/R fic made me fall in love with them all over again. Oh Remus ♥♥ Just goes to show I always go for the unendingly angsty ones. Damn, I should finish my Remusfic -.-
And most definitely, I do know that most people's fanon vision of him annoys me to the bone (...to the bone), but that's largely 'cause I want things to be more painstakingly plausible the more I care about the outcome, and also because I don't like the things most people like in characters, I'm guessing.
Or maybe, it just ruins things to pin them onto Draco when they belong to James Bond (hey, I really like James Bond). But neither can I stand the upsurgence of poor-woobie!Draco after HBP. Possibly, it's just that What I Want doesn't fit any sort of common fic ideal because Draco was never an ideal to me in the first place-- he's not anyone I've ever found attractive or even sympathetic, necessarily. I just... know how he feels.
In a lot of ways, Draco is why I write fanfiction at all. In general, I think I have a hard time writing fanfic because of how I write-- intuitively, not based on any rational 'understanding' of my subject or characters, or any idea what I'm doing or where I'm going. So it's hard to have this set of givens which fanfiction always comes with; it's really difficult to write around that many 'rules', and still write your own unique story (and it didn't occur to me until I spent a long, long time in fandom that one can actually write in others' styles or what -other- people want to see-- mostly 'cause I physically couldn't). In most universes, I just feel there's no story that would be 'mine' that I could tell. I dunno if other people feel like this-- but yeah, a large reason for why I can write HP and not any other fandom except Peter Pan is that I naturally write about kids/teenagers, I naturally set them in school or in a magical environment, and I naturally go for the angsty pining. Draco is my dream come true, in that sense.
And that's just really odd, isn't it, because as I said, I don't admire him and he's not one of my all-time favorite characters by a longshot-- but then, it's a lot tougher for me to write characters I truly love. I'm too invested; too afraid of screwing up their voices; too... intimidated. I may understand them, but it means so much to me that it's hard to put into words.
With Draco... I could write fanfic because I just clicked with how he felt, if you took the step of slashing his relationship with Harry. I wasn't viewing him from the outside-- and it wasn't the normal sort of identification I always feel with pov characters in any book I like, because I'm not very much like Draco (possibly not at all), in terms of personality. So I had this remove where it wasn't like writing about my own feelings, because nearly all the variables were different. And then, of course, I branched out and wrote other characters, after something like half a year of almost 90% All Draco All The Time and getting really comfortable with that world.
Somehow, my hopes for entering another fandom are not high, since all these idiosyncratic factors combined to make me write HP in the first place... and my attempts at Buffy and GW fic are best left unspoken of. And I sort of was on a roll with that Sky High fic, but unsurprisingly we're talking dorky characters in a magical/scifi-fantasy setting.
So yeah, all this is to say-- my take on Draco is hopelessly influenced by what drove me to write about him in the first place (that is, his Rage, Angest and Pane were what I started off identifying with), and perhaps it's good I'm out of steam in many ways because I realize I should approach characters as characters more and less as outlets for my issues. And I do that, honest. With everyone but Draco... which is not to say I'm not interested in him for himself as a character or don't always try to write him as IC as I can, but rather that the types of things I wanna see him do/feel/experience are just... hopelessly skewed (usually against either pleasing or entertaining him -or- pointlessly hurting him in the interests of sex, comfort or revenge, but rather for merely making him confront his demons and act on his darker impulses and learn to get over himself).
It's sort of like I want him to get therapy more than he actually needs it (since a lot of it is just... his personality, not any issue per se), but at the same time I desperately don't want him to lose his edge, that craving obsessive resentment I'm so drawn to. So in the end I almost never give him resolution so much as make him see the trap he's in over and over (the exceptions basically being my unpublished novellas, if we're talking my serious fics). It's just... kind of messed up, I think.
~~
Maybe this explains (I dunno about justifies) my reactions to hurt/comfort!Draco, say, who isn't so much out of character as... stripped of any appealing quality for me. My fearful vision of Draco becoming more and more blatantly sympathetic in post-HBP H/D fic sort of makes me cringe and back away. Not that he wasn't always whitewashed in one way or the other most of the time, but there was a strong vein of fanon!Draco where he was... uber-Slytherin. Cold, calculating, with no real fascination and only disdain for Gryffindors/Dumbledore/etc, most likely with Zabini as his best friend (whywhywhyyy) and the whole House in the palm of his hand. Oh, and long passages about his respect for his thoughtful, cultured parents and how Lucius is really quite a reasonable guy. Not that I like that, especially if it leads to invulnerability, in effect (how boring is that?) but... it's hardcore. If he's paired with Harry (while usually this necessitates a really OOC Harry that hurts my head), he doesn't tend to give an inch. Pair this with a Harry who doesn't give an inch either, and you have my ideal, naturally not really found in the wild.
Actually, with Harry... I think a lot of the things that bother me the most in fanon aren't just OOC, per se... it's more that it involves focusing on an aspect of canon (say, Harry's fixation on following Draco to get to The Truthtm) to such an extent that it's a caricature and obscures one of the things most central in how -I- see Harry (ie, while he's driven by impulse and instinct a lot, whenever something's Important, he does think about it-- like with the Ginny vs. Ron thing.)
There's much I don't like about the Most Likely To Be Fanon post-HBP H/D dynamic-- mostly obsessive-voyeur!Harry vs. disinterested-yet-sensitive!Draco (it makes me twitch quite violently), suddenly-reasonable!Harry (ha... ha... hahahaha), crying-repeatedly!Draco, especially if he doesn't get angry this time but cuddles into Harry's shoulder (someone just shoot me now)-- but trying to think positively, I'd like to figure out a way to allow post-HBP Draco to keep his... militant edge, I guess I'd call it (not to say rage). How to have him incorporate the effects of the confrontation with Dumbledore without having him actually want to help Harry or go over to the 'other side', so to speak? How to keep that tension of Harry and Draco's wildly opposite understandings of what's going on?
The thing, I think, that I cannot stand about pitying Draco-- about him being broken, helpless, dependent-- it's not that I think he -wouldn't- be at that low state or that I think he doesn't deserve for things to get better somehow, but that I think this whole view of the situation ignores Draco's anger, even moreso than his pride. Because pride can be broken by desperation and depression-- but anger-- that remains no matter what. That burns brighter under duress. That flames under pressure.
It's that one element which totally strikes out all those hurt/comfort post-HBP scenarios for me (though I'd be able to handle a fic which had Harry crazy enough to try comforting enraged!Draco). Because the main thing is, perhaps, that fanon!Draco tends to accentuate is Draco's pride over his anger, whereas I eventually came to be 'aligned' with canon!Draco more because I care much more about his anger than his pride. This boy can really and truly hold a grudge, and this is something that gives one a sort of... maddened strength, a resilience, I think. That's why I really can't stand a Draco who willingly runs to Harry and looks for his protection-- I mean, circumstances could force him, but he would hate it with every fiber of his being. If Harry could feel pity for Draco, you see, Draco wouldn't let him because there's no escaping how -he- feels about Harry. It's so ingrained in his character, it would take a maelstrom to begin to dislodge it all that rage and more importantly, all that resentment.
I think I'm just too obsessed with it to think clearly, perhaps. There's two things I mainly enjoy about Draco: his dorky mean humor and his obsessive capacity for sheer resentment. He's such a little bastard, always lying to himself and blaming everyone else and hiding behind authority... ahhh. God, it makes me want to weep to see that taken away from him.
Actually, on a happy note-- that's why I love `Eclipse' so much. It lets Draco be a mean, unhappy, snide little bastard, and slowly, slooowwwwwly relax around Harry. Ahhhh, I love him!! Non-bastard!Draco makes me sad :(( Or at least non-prickly-hedgehog!Draco.
I mean, he doesn't have to be Lucius to be a bastard. He could just... hold back when it counts. He could try to be manipulative. He could... just be not entirely sympathetic. I think Aspen's and
weatherby's fics really achieve this effect very well :D~~
Also: I don't think there's a person left in fandom who likes blonde!Pansy besides me. I could be wrong, but brunette!Pansy isn't canon (is she??) so this makes me sad, as I like her a blonde more. I dunno, I just do.
And finally,
musesfool's latest S/R fic made me fall in love with them all over again. Oh Remus ♥♥ Just goes to show I always go for the unendingly angsty ones. Damn, I should finish my Remusfic -.-
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-09-14 03:38 am (UTC)Err...didn't that get taken away from him in HBP? The person you're describing seems like he'd have played that final scene completely differently. Ultimately it seemed like the main thing for him in that scene was that viciousness, lying to himself, blaming everyone else and hiding behind authority...not so strong. It was just Draco, whoever that is.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-14 04:02 am (UTC)Though it's not like I ever wanted him invulnerable or to be the sort of person who'd kill Dumbledore out of hand or anything, but it's true that he'd have handled it pretty differently in anything I'd have ever written. It is trueeee. Therefore, my inspiration for ficness... not so high! Even though I -liked- HBP!Draco a lot, honestly, and really enjoyed all his scenes and was happy to see this being how I'd have thought he'd be, even though I wouldn't have written him that way in fanfic, because fanfic is always so skewed by my twisting him in some ways. Just not commonly-fanon ways? I dunno. Not that I actually do write him as being very vicious/evil or anything, or even think of him in that extreme of terms, ahah-- this is mostly a reaction against a completely... um, soft Draco,like, on a more permanent basis rather than under pressure.
Anyway, I didn't mean to try describing canon!Draco so much as my inner!Draco.
Though there's a difference, still, between that situation and him permanently accepting his moral defeat(?)-- though he did still try to put his best foot forward, or at least... like, wanting to believe he did well. I dunno if he quite fully realized he was Wrong with a capital W or anything, so there's some lying to himself involved, probably, but yeah~:) It's because I realize it's ridiculous that I have issues with writing Draco or Harry anymore.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-14 04:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-14 03:42 am (UTC)Let me just say ajfjksfadjkfadsf;ld WHY GOD WHY.
Excuse me I seem to have just fallen on the floor.
What brought on all the meta? Draco is just that difficult to stay away from, isn't he. ISN'T HE. :P I mean, it's okay. I understand there are twelve step programs for this. We could join together, you see. "Hi, my name is dumbass and I'm addicted to this one crazy fictional bastard..." WELL I THINK IT COULD WORK OKAY. :D
no subject
Date: 2005-09-14 04:09 am (UTC)I WANT TO JOIN :(( I WANT TO GET BETTER :(( I BELIEVE THERE IS HOPE FOR US, THERE HAS TO BE :((
no subject
Date: 2005-09-14 04:17 am (UTC)pornierbraver girl than I!See, it will all be okay. As soon as we ADMIT we have a problem, right, that's the first step. Draco will probably snipe at us and call us stupid whores but I can deal with that if it means recovery. :P
Although I must say I'm rather fond of your icon.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-14 04:32 am (UTC)AND THEN I GET FLASHBACKS ABOUT HOW HE WAS LIKE 'HI POTTER, LET ME SUCK YOUR COCK BECAUSE I AM SAD AND YOU CAN HELP' AND THEN I CRY AND CRY AND CRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYdil;skalkfjalsk;ajlfkaj
...though it's funny in retrospect, as all horrible tortures are. Um. I am quite porny, though, if I do say so myself. *preens* :>
PLEASE, PLEASE A DRACO WHO CALLS PEOPLE STUPID WHORES, KTHNX. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK??! IS IT, I ASK YE??
IN FACT, WHAT ABOUT A FIC WHERE HE SPENDS THE WHOLE TIME CURSING AT PEOPLE IN VARIOUS CREATIVE WAYS??! ...........and that turns Harry on... and then they shag... yeah, that's it -.-
I am rather fond of my icon also. *flashes it*
It's so... attractively lowgrade and uncouth, even. :D
no subject
Date: 2005-09-14 04:52 am (UTC)One day, when at long last you find the good porn, let me know and we shall rejoice!
It's like acid flashbacks. And now every time your spine cracks you will be forced to relive the sad and the quiet and the horny and OH GOD IT IS GOING TO BE
GREATHORRENDOUSGREATSOMETHING.I think your woe funny, but then, torturous angst usually makes me go HAHA THAT'S AWESOME. I should be ashamed. But that would mean I'd have to have a soul and that would just ruin this whole vibe I've got going. :P
These fic ideas are good fic ideas. People should write them. Then maybe I'd crawl out of this rock I've been living under and actually read something. But it's a nice rock, what can I say.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-14 05:47 am (UTC)But see, that would just be embarrassing. Not that this isn't. But. Right, then.
Also, sad-quiet-and-horny!Draco is inching into Remus' territory and that's Just Not On. Might as well write Remus, you bastards!!
...although in that fic I linked, she described Remus as being a great liar, and I was like YESSSS!!! SCOOOORE!! :D
(am so easily pleased, I SWEAR I AM, REALLY I SWEAR.)
no subject
Date: 2005-09-23 08:23 pm (UTC)Also, in the movies she's kind of hot.
And young.
But hot.
Which is also not canon.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-23 08:28 pm (UTC)Why :( Why does fandom hurt me :( Why.
Okay, um, sorry, random angst :D
I'm just like, okay, I wish -anyone- in the -whole fandom- wrote her or drew her as blonde. Anyone. Bueller--? Bueller--?
Like, okay, half the Remus fics have him scarred post-movie, but there are a bunch, still, where he isn't. See, fairness. Argh, hate movie!canon :(
no subject
Date: 2005-09-23 09:05 pm (UTC)The only reason I am accepting moviecanon!pansy is because she is hot (I think I may have mentioned that already).
But yea, I don't think I've EVER read/seen her as a blonde. I don't think Bueller can help us here :(
And yea, but Remus gets written about WAY more. Sadly. Pansy deserves more attention.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-23 09:13 pm (UTC)It is a sad, sad day when Bueller cannot help :(