(no subject)

[reenka]

You know, I would've been such a scary scary Star Trek fangirl if I'd had access to the internet back in High School (and you know why I didn't? my mom was afraid I'd get sucked into it the way I was already sucked into anime & sci-fi/fantasy and TV and... oh, tons of things... clearly, what did -she- know?).

I was totally one of those girls with an idol I worshipped, and like, I swooned at every picture of him and even now-- even now!-- I sort of swoon a little. It's really sad, but I think it keeps me humble. Or something. Like, to my credit I knew I couldn't -write- Spock worth spit, though I tried once (it was sort of a bunch of OCs on a starship that encountered the Enterprise... but yeah.... Um.) So yeah, I was one of those squealing fangirls (still am quite a bit), but I guess I never had the ego to write Mary Sue self-inserts or anything. Though I wrote them in my head :D

I don't know if it counts, 'cause I remember how I had this fantasy of being the progenitor of Amanda (Spock's human mother), so I was gonna name my child Amanda so that it'd be a family name, ahahahaah. Yes, I was that lame. I probably still am.

More to the point, I just saw this icon of Spock and totally squealed, omg. I still want to have Spock's babies, and it's pretty much exactly 10 years and maybe 10 fannish obsessions later. I guess you really don't ever get over your first fannish crush. Aww.
    Even to this day, and much as I adore Harry & squeal at Draco-pics, nothing compares to the sheer idolization I feel echoes of with Spock. He's like... still my idea of The Ideal Man. Ahahaha. Yeah, -here- is a character is where I couldn't get into rational debates if you really hate him or something. I'd just cry. So maybe it's best I never did get into Star Trek fandom online :>
    I mean, say, Spike makes me squeal, but I see his flaws pretty clearly (how couldn't I?) and even though he's omg-hot-n-sexay, he's not... he's not someone I admire. He's an amazing character and James Marsters is sexy as hell, and him & Buffy have enough sparks to set me on fire, but-- well, I don't actually respect him. And neither do I respect Harry or Draco or really any character I've loved since Star Trek. Wow, I didn't realize that before now.

I think a part of this is that Star Trek was a universe that kind of influenced my ideals and life-philosophy-- it wasn't just a hobby, just an obsession. It shaped my way of thinking for many years, or at least fit it and clarified what I wanted to be true. And Spock, in a way, was the manifestation of that as much as anything-- what I wanted someone to be like, what I admired in people in general, what I felt was missing in myself, all of that. It was the height of my infatuation with Reason itself, with the alien and unknown, with passion under Will. He probably wasn't what most people think of when they think of a girl's idol-- because I took him so seriously, because he represented my higher impulses as well as my squealing lust. And in a way I miss that extreme level of faith and hope (contrasted with just how much I hated the real world back then), even now.
~~

EDIT - OMG, _lioness just drew my exact vision of Pansy and Ginny, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ♥!

Comments

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

You just like ruining my nice fantasies, don't you :P

...I'm really hurt he doesn't want to suck it :(( :((

[malafede.livejournal.com]

... it's really squicky, you know.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

yes, but.

I'd be okay if he sometimes wanted to, but stopped himself, 'cause ew.

...It's the thought that counts :((

[malafede.livejournal.com]

You mean, in the hypotetical situation where he had actually cut it off?

Draco is pleased at Harry's pain over not wanting to suck it. His sucking-related needs don't overlap with his cutting-off fantasies. Or something.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

...Draco is bastard :((

[malafede.livejournal.com]

I just heard Harry say that, with the pout. He's such a spoiled weirdo, Draco says, demanding that Draco has a fetish for sucking his severed cock.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Harry feels insecure about his own fetish for Draco's cock in all its possible and impossible incarnations :)) So he'd feel alone if Draco didn't obsess over Harry's cock somehow.

[malafede.livejournal.com]

Draco only obsesses over not-severed cocks.

Have you noticed? We made a thread talking just about dicks.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

... sad.