[wank = Draco = wank]
Jun. 10th, 2005 06:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaI really should stay away from HP wank, I really should. Yes. That is what I have learned.
But really, I saw this icon in the comments and pretty much sporfled; also, I just can't get over the way some (most??) people see Slytherin, of all the Houses. I know it'll stop being amusing some day, but not anytime soon. I love it when people go on about how subtle Slytherins are, but I suppose one can't be blamed for wishful thinking. Mostly it amuses me 'cause whether the person is insisting Slytherins are OMG SO GAWTH or like, subtly cruel and deep like aged wine or something, most people seem to take it so seriously. Like, v. few people get up in arms about the true nature of Hufflepuffs, do they? Possibly they're not as much fun to poke, I dunno (and everyone just leaves the Gryffs well alone, 'cause... yeah, capslock).
Man, that whole wank made me get in touch with my Gryffindor pride; I just love how a number of the Gryffindor types were all 'dude, you're a pompous deluded asshole-- you'll fit right in!' ...I feel so sentimental right now. I would totally want to be sorted into Gryffindor if only I didn't think the whole concept of House affiliation was kinda stupid. Only a Gryffindor would be like 'yeah, I'm a public menace. WHAT OF IT??!?' <3, people. Embrace your inner bipolar berserker, I always say! Sanity-- who needs that?
Anyway, I don't actually think I usually act like one, but man, I love melodrama (uh, from the outside). And capslock. Can't forget the capslock. No one understands, man. *tear*
...In the end, I just couldn't resist. And yeah, uh, it's too much trouble to actually try to be IC sometimes. Ahahah, I do amuse myself, at least.
Q: So, when did you realize you were emogoth & evil as fuck-- I mean, a true Slytherin, Mr Malfoy?
A: It's when I started to kick puppies as a child. My mother got this slightly put-upon face like, "oh dear". She used to do that a lot when Dad was out of the house. Naturally, I said the puppy started it. It was whining pitifully, and then the house-elf came to take it away. What do they do to severely maladjusted dogs, anyway? I'm sure I don't want to know. Afterwards, I sulked and she gave me cookies. With milk-- the way I like them. I mean liked. Liked. That was an evil dog, I tell you. Damn, where was I?
Q: Do you take lollies from children too? How do you feel when you do that? Does it hurt you?
A: [snickers] I feel proud. I'm proud my l337 skillz are improving apace-- proud they bring all the teeny girls to the yard. Some are even kind of fit. Big boobies, you know. They never shut up, though; can you imagine?
Q: The Lolitas, as it were?
A: Hell yeah. Sometimes I want to strut, so I do. I strut my stuff, baby. But in a straight sort of way. Write that down, will you? Draco Malfoy is a flaming heterosexual! Every bird with half a brain wants to maul me for my bloody lollipop!
Q: [clears throat] Yes, so... could you elaborate on that for us?
A: [fondly] You know, I once stole Crabbe's lolly in third year. He was making weird faces and sucking it-- it was just not on. Well, I almost stole the lolly, until I remembered it had minion cooties on it. Then I stuck it back into Crabbe's mouth. At which point Pansy walked in in her undies, and Goyle got a nosebleed, so you can imagine my--
Q: Yes, yes. Ahem. Allrighty then. Well, how do you feel about the Houses? Hufflepuff?
A: They're like those slugs Weasley coughed up in second year. Except slimier, and less amusing. I kind of liked those slugs. They had the right idea.
Q: Is that so? [writes]
A: Oi! But I don't like Hufflepuffs! Or bloody Weasley! What a menace! But he does make for great material. Have you heard my song? I could sing you my song! Stroke of genius, is what it was.
Q: What song, Mr Malfoy?
A: Do you want me to sing it to you? Everyone tells me I have a lovely voice!
Q: If you must.
A: Uh, all right, nevermind then. [coughs] Did you slip something in my drink? You're a Mudblood-lover, aren't you? Admit it, traitor!
Q: Can we... stick to the subject, Mr Malfoy?
A: Right, then. Have you seen that hair? Try not to run into walls while staring in horror! It's a safety hazard while trying to navigate the corridors, really. [mutters] But don't listen to Parkinson, whatever you do.
Q: Oh?
A: Eh, she just likes to wind me up. "You mock because you care, don't you, Draco!" [sing-song] What rubbish! Soon there'll be rumors about how much I love bloody puppies, and I'll know who to blame!
Q: Okay! [sweats] Onwards... Ravenclaw?
A: They can be useful on occasion, but generally they bore me half to death. Better than the Hufflepuffs, at least. Smiley people are so sickening, don't you think? Besides, yellow and black; what were they -smoking-? Neither of them have any fashion sense. Have you seen that fish-eyed blonde bird? Keeps bumping into me and tugging bloody carnivorous flowers from my hair. The nerve!
Q: Are you referring to Miss Lovegood, by any chance?
A: Yes, where was I? Oh. [crosses legs] Right. More than half of them are loons. Don't listen to the nerd's propaganda! They're all Potter's little lapdogs! Though that does help the cause of Slytherin domination. By counter-example, you understand. No independent thought at all. Pathetic! [sneers, uncrosses legs]
Q: Could you be more specific?
A: Hm, well... I'm evil but fair. That Chang bit seemed half decent on the pitch, but then she went and snogged Potter. If that's not proof she's crazy as a hatter, what is?
Q: And how have you come upon that information?
A: I have my sources. If you're implying Potter told me, you're mad! Just because--
Q: I see.... [cocks head]
A: Wait, wait, I didn't mean-- Strike that immediately! My Father would--
Q: [coughs loudly] Let's just forego your... clearly complex feelings on Gryffindor for now... Your own House, then? What's your innermost feeling there?
A: [slight pause] Minions, all of them. Except for Nott, who gives good head. Wait, no, strike that! I meant, except for Nott, who is a rat, and for Pansy, who gives good head. It was late one night, so I wasn't sure, but--
Q: Mr. Malfoy. What makes you say you're a true Slytherin?
A: Don't question me! I'm like, totally dark and evil. Haven't you heard the bit about kicking puppies? What does it take around here?! My god, it's almost like I have to Crucio someone just to get some respect around here. [hmphs]
Q: And what sorts of dark things do you like to do?
A: I bartend alone. All alone. In the dark.
Q: Be that as it may.... And what would you say to those people who would say you're, quote, "so gay it hurts" or in other words, "a walking rainbow", a "pink umbrella special" or a "girly girly boy"?
A: Those *bleep* *bleep*! They don't know what the *bleep* they're *bleeping* talking about! Why, I ought to *bleep* *bleep* their *bleep* *bleep* so hard they *bleep* *bleep* *bleep*!
Q: ....All right, I would say this concludes our interview then, Mr--
A: *BLEEP*BLEEP*BLEEP*BLEEP*BLEEP*BLEEP*BLEEPING*BLEEP*BLEEPS*!!!!!!
Q: That will be all, thank you. (And may I just add, SO IN DENIAL, OMGZ!!1)
But really, I saw this icon in the comments and pretty much sporfled; also, I just can't get over the way some (most??) people see Slytherin, of all the Houses. I know it'll stop being amusing some day, but not anytime soon. I love it when people go on about how subtle Slytherins are, but I suppose one can't be blamed for wishful thinking. Mostly it amuses me 'cause whether the person is insisting Slytherins are OMG SO GAWTH or like, subtly cruel and deep like aged wine or something, most people seem to take it so seriously. Like, v. few people get up in arms about the true nature of Hufflepuffs, do they? Possibly they're not as much fun to poke, I dunno (and everyone just leaves the Gryffs well alone, 'cause... yeah, capslock).
Man, that whole wank made me get in touch with my Gryffindor pride; I just love how a number of the Gryffindor types were all 'dude, you're a pompous deluded asshole-- you'll fit right in!' ...I feel so sentimental right now. I would totally want to be sorted into Gryffindor if only I didn't think the whole concept of House affiliation was kinda stupid. Only a Gryffindor would be like 'yeah, I'm a public menace. WHAT OF IT??!?' <3, people. Embrace your inner bipolar berserker, I always say! Sanity-- who needs that?
Anyway, I don't actually think I usually act like one, but man, I love melodrama (uh, from the outside). And capslock. Can't forget the capslock. No one understands, man. *tear*
...In the end, I just couldn't resist. And yeah, uh, it's too much trouble to actually try to be IC sometimes. Ahahah, I do amuse myself, at least.
Q: So, when did you realize you were emogoth & evil as fuck-- I mean, a true Slytherin, Mr Malfoy?
A: It's when I started to kick puppies as a child. My mother got this slightly put-upon face like, "oh dear". She used to do that a lot when Dad was out of the house. Naturally, I said the puppy started it. It was whining pitifully, and then the house-elf came to take it away. What do they do to severely maladjusted dogs, anyway? I'm sure I don't want to know. Afterwards, I sulked and she gave me cookies. With milk-- the way I like them. I mean liked. Liked. That was an evil dog, I tell you. Damn, where was I?
Q: Do you take lollies from children too? How do you feel when you do that? Does it hurt you?
A: [snickers] I feel proud. I'm proud my l337 skillz are improving apace-- proud they bring all the teeny girls to the yard. Some are even kind of fit. Big boobies, you know. They never shut up, though; can you imagine?
Q: The Lolitas, as it were?
A: Hell yeah. Sometimes I want to strut, so I do. I strut my stuff, baby. But in a straight sort of way. Write that down, will you? Draco Malfoy is a flaming heterosexual! Every bird with half a brain wants to maul me for my bloody lollipop!
Q: [clears throat] Yes, so... could you elaborate on that for us?
A: [fondly] You know, I once stole Crabbe's lolly in third year. He was making weird faces and sucking it-- it was just not on. Well, I almost stole the lolly, until I remembered it had minion cooties on it. Then I stuck it back into Crabbe's mouth. At which point Pansy walked in in her undies, and Goyle got a nosebleed, so you can imagine my--
Q: Yes, yes. Ahem. Allrighty then. Well, how do you feel about the Houses? Hufflepuff?
A: They're like those slugs Weasley coughed up in second year. Except slimier, and less amusing. I kind of liked those slugs. They had the right idea.
Q: Is that so? [writes]
A: Oi! But I don't like Hufflepuffs! Or bloody Weasley! What a menace! But he does make for great material. Have you heard my song? I could sing you my song! Stroke of genius, is what it was.
Q: What song, Mr Malfoy?
A: Do you want me to sing it to you? Everyone tells me I have a lovely voice!
Q: If you must.
A: Uh, all right, nevermind then. [coughs] Did you slip something in my drink? You're a Mudblood-lover, aren't you? Admit it, traitor!
Q: Can we... stick to the subject, Mr Malfoy?
A: Right, then. Have you seen that hair? Try not to run into walls while staring in horror! It's a safety hazard while trying to navigate the corridors, really. [mutters] But don't listen to Parkinson, whatever you do.
Q: Oh?
A: Eh, she just likes to wind me up. "You mock because you care, don't you, Draco!" [sing-song] What rubbish! Soon there'll be rumors about how much I love bloody puppies, and I'll know who to blame!
Q: Okay! [sweats] Onwards... Ravenclaw?
A: They can be useful on occasion, but generally they bore me half to death. Better than the Hufflepuffs, at least. Smiley people are so sickening, don't you think? Besides, yellow and black; what were they -smoking-? Neither of them have any fashion sense. Have you seen that fish-eyed blonde bird? Keeps bumping into me and tugging bloody carnivorous flowers from my hair. The nerve!
Q: Are you referring to Miss Lovegood, by any chance?
A: Yes, where was I? Oh. [crosses legs] Right. More than half of them are loons. Don't listen to the nerd's propaganda! They're all Potter's little lapdogs! Though that does help the cause of Slytherin domination. By counter-example, you understand. No independent thought at all. Pathetic! [sneers, uncrosses legs]
Q: Could you be more specific?
A: Hm, well... I'm evil but fair. That Chang bit seemed half decent on the pitch, but then she went and snogged Potter. If that's not proof she's crazy as a hatter, what is?
Q: And how have you come upon that information?
A: I have my sources. If you're implying Potter told me, you're mad! Just because--
Q: I see.... [cocks head]
A: Wait, wait, I didn't mean-- Strike that immediately! My Father would--
Q: [coughs loudly] Let's just forego your... clearly complex feelings on Gryffindor for now... Your own House, then? What's your innermost feeling there?
A: [slight pause] Minions, all of them. Except for Nott, who gives good head. Wait, no, strike that! I meant, except for Nott, who is a rat, and for Pansy, who gives good head. It was late one night, so I wasn't sure, but--
Q: Mr. Malfoy. What makes you say you're a true Slytherin?
A: Don't question me! I'm like, totally dark and evil. Haven't you heard the bit about kicking puppies? What does it take around here?! My god, it's almost like I have to Crucio someone just to get some respect around here. [hmphs]
Q: And what sorts of dark things do you like to do?
A: I bartend alone. All alone. In the dark.
Q: Be that as it may.... And what would you say to those people who would say you're, quote, "so gay it hurts" or in other words, "a walking rainbow", a "pink umbrella special" or a "girly girly boy"?
A: Those *bleep* *bleep*! They don't know what the *bleep* they're *bleeping* talking about! Why, I ought to *bleep* *bleep* their *bleep* *bleep* so hard they *bleep* *bleep* *bleep*!
Q: ....All right, I would say this concludes our interview then, Mr--
A: *BLEEP*BLEEP*BLEEP*BLEEP*BLEEP*BLEEP*BLEEPING*BLEEP*BLEEPS*!!!!!!
Q: That will be all, thank you. (And may I just add, SO IN DENIAL, OMGZ!!1)
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Date: 2005-06-10 06:56 pm (UTC)...not my joke, but I couldn't resist it :D