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Feb. 22nd, 2005 05:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaI think forever only means something to me if it's... impossible. Sort of the way life is defined by death, permanence has to be defined by impermanence. I think that explains why I dwell on the impossibilities of human relationships-- it's like... in some way, lastingness proves truth and provides comfort, a soothing of the restless spirit, and yet in another way, the things that always last without constant change and upheaval seem less real, because nothing in life seems all that unyielding, even the mountains themselves.
I've always been driven both by the need for rest and comfort, the need for knowledge, and the desire for passionate freedom, which brings with it the decimation of both certainty and comfort. I can never quite reconcile these elements within myself, or decide what's more important-- the free-fall of constant seeking after truth or the peace found in the grounding one finds within oneself when one stands utterly and completely still. That is lastingness, I think-- that is forever; the one eternal moment when one stands still and breathes deeply, and becomes the same as the wind and the trees and the worms.
It's only human to think that the impermanent things are less real, to feel that they're less satisfying. It is only natural to want reassurance, and to want someone to wake up to, and to want someone who's always by your side. Being alone can be awful, like a resonating bell that echoes and echoes across the universe, with no one to hear it but yourself. And love can easily become a safeguard against that feeling-- a way of ensuring that the universe is not a cold and lonely place; that one has a place within it to call home.
So I don't know why I often want to go against my instincts like this, and be alone, and embrace impermanence and the cold of empty space, the exhilaration and fear within falling, apparently off the edge of the world. It seems like everything includes within it its opposite, and the vast reaches of the sky, empty and wide and free, often feel like a homecoming, just to look at them. If one listens, it's like there's no such thing as emptiness, because being is everywhere, and because one is always part of One (the universe), there is no such thing as 'alone'.
The questions and the feelings, they always return-- that is what permanence is; that cycle. The questions 'who am I' and 'why am I here', and 'what is there for me?'-- they keep coming back; one can never quite be satisfied with an answer. I think memory returns the same way-- you remember the people you loved once, you remember their faces and the things they said and the things you'd never told them-- and suddenly that immediate moment of yes, of love-- that returns as if time itself had never passed. That moment of first realizing that another person is dear and present-- it stretches out across one's living memory, mostly silent but sometimes surging into a voice, stubbornly making us dream of forever.
This rather over-the-top & overly philosophizing entry brought to you by the typical overt symbolism in a yaoi manga called Punch Drunk Babies, and by the continued support and tolerance of Readers Like You (tm).
Btw, from reading this aestheticism.com review of Koi ga Bokura wo Yurusu Hani, er... can anyone tell me if this sounds good? Over-the-top? Worth reading even though I'd have to hunt wildly for it through the evil wilds of irc? I'm lost, I really am.
I've always been driven both by the need for rest and comfort, the need for knowledge, and the desire for passionate freedom, which brings with it the decimation of both certainty and comfort. I can never quite reconcile these elements within myself, or decide what's more important-- the free-fall of constant seeking after truth or the peace found in the grounding one finds within oneself when one stands utterly and completely still. That is lastingness, I think-- that is forever; the one eternal moment when one stands still and breathes deeply, and becomes the same as the wind and the trees and the worms.
It's only human to think that the impermanent things are less real, to feel that they're less satisfying. It is only natural to want reassurance, and to want someone to wake up to, and to want someone who's always by your side. Being alone can be awful, like a resonating bell that echoes and echoes across the universe, with no one to hear it but yourself. And love can easily become a safeguard against that feeling-- a way of ensuring that the universe is not a cold and lonely place; that one has a place within it to call home.
So I don't know why I often want to go against my instincts like this, and be alone, and embrace impermanence and the cold of empty space, the exhilaration and fear within falling, apparently off the edge of the world. It seems like everything includes within it its opposite, and the vast reaches of the sky, empty and wide and free, often feel like a homecoming, just to look at them. If one listens, it's like there's no such thing as emptiness, because being is everywhere, and because one is always part of One (the universe), there is no such thing as 'alone'.
The questions and the feelings, they always return-- that is what permanence is; that cycle. The questions 'who am I' and 'why am I here', and 'what is there for me?'-- they keep coming back; one can never quite be satisfied with an answer. I think memory returns the same way-- you remember the people you loved once, you remember their faces and the things they said and the things you'd never told them-- and suddenly that immediate moment of yes, of love-- that returns as if time itself had never passed. That moment of first realizing that another person is dear and present-- it stretches out across one's living memory, mostly silent but sometimes surging into a voice, stubbornly making us dream of forever.
This rather over-the-top & overly philosophizing entry brought to you by the typical overt symbolism in a yaoi manga called Punch Drunk Babies, and by the continued support and tolerance of Readers Like You (tm).
Btw, from reading this aestheticism.com review of Koi ga Bokura wo Yurusu Hani, er... can anyone tell me if this sounds good? Over-the-top? Worth reading even though I'd have to hunt wildly for it through the evil wilds of irc? I'm lost, I really am.
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no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 09:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 09:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 09:23 pm (UTC)LIKE FOR INSTANCE, BECAUSE UNDER GROUND HOTEL JUST HAD A NEW CHAPTER. AND I AM JUST ABOUT DEAD.
...I'd post about this on lj, but... NO ONE CARES. heh.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 09:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 09:48 pm (UTC)See, I feel so guilty about writing such messed-up H/D... like, I'm sure they're not -that- bad except in my head, and I'm constantly paranoid I'm messing up their characterizations, especiallly when I read someone else's Draco (like omg, Bridget Jones!Draco (http://www.sugarquill.net/read.php?storyid=1632&chapno=1) is better than mine! woe!) but when I read really messed-up original manga, NO ONE CAN TELL ME ANYTHING!! GUILT-FREE ANGST & SEX, BABY, OH YEAH!!1
*coughs*
no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 10:22 pm (UTC)I have to admit though, I seriously think your characterisations are far better than BridgetJones!Draco. I'm not a big fan of that fic at all. Probably because the only way I can stomach uber-poncy!Draco is if there's buttsex (or something similar) involved.
But I really do love you right now, cos when you said "7/10" I thought "chapter 7 out of 10" or something, not 7 chapters out of ten! *hugs* I will have to read it tonight when I have some privacy, right after I watch Sukisyo ep 6 (yay! teh Yoru/Ran sex finally arrives!).
no subject
Date: 2005-02-26 12:07 am (UTC)On re-read, I realized I was just being paranoid because uber-poncy!Draco is just so common, y'know, and well-liked, and... yeah, he definitely should be gay if he's gonna be so... gay, ahahah. I think it bothers me that I don't make them -likable- enough sometimes... er... a lot of times. Like, partly it's that I don't like Draco the way I used to, but partly it's that I'm so drowning in angst where most people (who're not self-confessed angst-whores, pandering to which isn't my intention) like a bit more... uh... appealing characters. And uber-poncey!Draco is just so cute and likable (or at least, non-offensive, I guess? Snarky!) I think I'm angstying 'cause Aja recced a lot of fluff (again) ^^;;;
Heeeee! <3 As if I'd just send you chapter 7. Tsk :> I've been trying to send it for days but I'm on dialup so it kept timing out before I got to the lab to send it, and discovered the last chapters were corrupted ^^; (EP 6!! THERE IS EP 6!?! *NEEDS IT NOW*!! ...except I still haven't watched 4&5, 'cause I'm lazy -.-)
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Date: 2005-02-26 12:48 am (UTC)most fucked up and twistedBest. Love. Stories. Ever. Let me just say, Keller/Beecher 4 eva!!11one. Imagine Sword and Sen with er, more angst than you can handle, 60 x the drugs, and some crazy Neo-Nazis. So damn good.It does have a lot of humour in it as well as nasty stuff, though the nasty stuff is obviously dominant, cos it's a prison and all. I just got my kicks watching it and seeing all these actors from other shows getting down-and-dirty in a low-budget show and actually seeing them act really well because of it.
I think it bothers me that I don't make them -likable- enough sometimes... er... a lot of times.
Heh, sometimes I think you're on a path to write the most un-likable H/D ever, a bit like Stella keeps trying to write unsexy-H/D-sex (and fails XD). But then they just act so stupid and clueless I can't help but like them. Especially when they're stupidly yelling at each other and begging to be CAPSLOCKED. Hee. So cute.
And uber-poncey!Draco is just so cute and likable (or at least, non-offensive, I guess? Snarky!)
Too true. I think it's also a contrast-to-Harry thing. Harry's so scruffy and non-poncy (at least, I've never read a believable poncy!Harry) that of course Mr-Opposite-to-the-Gryffindork has to be poncy, or uber-poncy in the case of uber-scruffy Harry. He can still be snarky, though his snarky usually has less bite when he's like that.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-26 04:13 am (UTC)Especially the line "Tampon boy should act like a tampon and take responsibility for his actions!". WTF!? Bwuahahaha... Certainly not what I expected from the synopsis on Aestheticism.
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Date: 2005-02-26 02:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-26 04:14 am (UTC)